The Game Ch. 10

It seemed unfair that in joy the hours rolled by in blinks, but in pain seconds could become eternities. I shook off the thought and vowed to enjoy whatever time I had left. I snuggled closer to Ron.

By 5:30 I knew sleep was going to elude me at least until the next night. I did not want to disturb Ron so I slipped silently from the bed and drifted down the stairs to sit by his pool and watch the sun rise.

As I opened the basement doors and stepped naked into the cool night air I smiled as I recognized a familiar silhouette at the edge of the pool facing east as the first pink stripes of light painted the eastern sky.

I was not the only one who could not sleep, and I went to Rachel. She sat naked dangling her legs into Ron's pool staring into the east lost in thought. I wondered why she was naked, but suspected that she had been communing with herself.

I sat down next to her and put my arm around her. She leaned into me, but did not speak. We sat silently, each contemplating the meaning of life, as the sun rose slowly pushing back the shadows that minutes before consumed us.

When it was light enough to begin seeing colors I saw Rachel was silently crying as she watched the sky turn first to purple and then to pink in the East.

She turned to me and smiled with big glassy eyes, "It's so beautiful."

I smiled back and said, "It is."

"Thank you.", she said.

"For what?" I asked.

"For loving me.", she replied.

"You don't need to thank me for that." I said.

She seemed to contemplate this for a minute and then turned to me, her eyes going serious, "Nothing is ever going to be the same again between us is it?"

I considered her question and replied, "No. We will never be the same as we were. We will have each other in a way I hope neither of us has another person, ever."

Rachel nodded silently and said, "I'm glad it was you."

"Me too." I replied honestly.

"I need to ask you something else and I need you to be honest with me.", Rachel said solemnly.

This time I did not fear what she would ask. If I could not be honest with her then honesty was dead in this world.

"Okay." I said.

"I don't think I want to talk about this with any one else. I mean I am not sure anyone else could understand what we just went through, and I know I don't want to try to explain it to them. Are you going to tell anyone about yesterday?" she asked.

I thought for a moment and saw her point. No one could understand what we just went through, and telling someone about the experience could only lead to sympathy or moral judgment. I had no desire for either.

"Why don't you want anyone to know? Are you ashamed of what happened to us?" I asked not really answering her question.

"I'm not ashamed of what happened. I guess I am a little ashamed of being so horny that I could not think through the consequences of what I was doing, but I feel more victimized than ashamed." Rachel answered.

"I don't think I am going to be sharing this story with anyone, except for Ron." I said.

She said nothing for a moment but then, "How will he take it?" she asked not looking at me.

I took her hand in mine and said, "He loves me Rachel, and I love him. He will probably be scared. It will be an after the fact scared, like the way you are after you avoid a really bad traffic accident by inches, but it will eventually be okay. If I don't tell him, it will be a secret that is always between us, and I don't want that."

She nodded as if understanding.

She turned toward me deliberately and her eyes met mine. I was surprised at what I saw there. Her eyes glistened with tears but also with hard, steely resolve that frightened me a little. Her lips went thin and her fists were clenched tightly. I watched her as she made a conscious effort to relax them.

"Do you know what I feel right now?" She asked.

I shook my head but said nothing.

Her eyes met mine and they were so cold. Her lips were a thin white line of rage. Her teeth gritted.

"I am more pissed off than I have ever been in my life." She said coldly and the depth of her rage so coldly and softly expressed impacted me more than anything I had ever witnessed. I remembered my own anger in the cab ride home at Chad and realized that the nuclear holocaust of rage that I felt that night was like a candle standing next to the sun compared to hers.

She said nothing more, but continued to stare at me as dim light from the dawning sun formed a black silhouette around her as if the depth of her rage somehow bent the very light of the sun around her.

And then she relaxed a little and the depth of her anger slowly receded. She was once again Rachel and I realized I was not breathing.

"I know I have to let go of it." She said, "But it will be so damn hard. I don't want to go through life this angry. I am so thankful to be alive I want to experience life with joy not anger, but it's there. I can feel it deep down inside me like a fire that won't go out."

"Who are you angry at?", I asked quietly hoping wondering if it was me.

She stared at me with bewilderment now on her face and said, "Myself mostly, but also Chad and those other fuckers. I can't believe I put myself in that place just to get laid."

I nodded again and admired the depth of her resolve to stand up and take responsibility for her part in what had happened.

Rachel sighed and now she looked more tired than I have ever seen anyone look before.

I put my hand on her naked shoulder comfortingly.

She turned to me with new tears filling her eyes. She bit her bottom lip fighting back the tears. "I just wanted to have sex and that was all I could think about and it almost killed us. I think I'm obsessed with it. Sometimes it's all I think about. My fantasies are so...... graphic." she trailed off.

I used my thumb to wipe a tear from her cheek and smiled warmly at her. She returned the smile wanly.

"Rachel, it's okay. Everyone has graphic sexual fantasies. You're not a freak; you're a normal 18 year old woman. I think it's admirable that you are willing to take some responsibility for what happened, but don't shoulder it all. You didn't do anything that outrageous, and hey, everyone needs to get laid." I said trying to lighten the mood a little.

She smiled a little at me, but still seemed troubled. She looked at me again and said, "Can we trust each other?"

I was briefly confused by her question and said, "Of course, honey."

"No I mean really trust each other. You are the only person I have ever felt like I can trust completely, and a lot of it is because of yesterday. I hated what happened to us, but I loved that feeling of being able to finally share myself completely with someone. I felt that way with you. I still feel that way with you, but I want to know if you feel that way about me?" Rachel said quickly. Her words flowed out in a quick even rhythm as if she were trying to articulate a feeling that could not quite be put into words.

I held her hand in mine. I considered what she had said, and contemplated how emotionally naked we had been with each other in the past day. Nothing could ever compare to that empty feeling of loneliness. We had shared that loneliness and it had changed the way I felt about her. It had changed the way I felt about everything.

I smiled at her and said, "I do Rachel. You are not alone."

She squeezed my hand and said, "I love you.", as a single tear streamed down her right cheek in the dawning sun.

"I love you too, but I am worried about you a little." I said.

She shrugged and said, "I will be alright, I think. But I am a little afraid of feeling like that again."

"Like what?" I asked.

"You know horny. I am afraid I will make bad decisions, and I do have some powerful desires when it comes to sex." She replied.

"You don't have to feel guilty about getting horny." I said quickly.

She sighed, "Not getting horny, what I want when I get horny." she corrected.

I thought I understood more now. She was afraid of acting on her desires because of what had happened. She was afraid of losing herself to her sex drive. The torment of that conflict must be hell for her. I understood and my understanding made me ill with empathy for her.

I was suddenly cast back into the memory of my own recent past and remembered writing my first letter to Ron.

I thought about how I might feel if I felt guilt at the slightest tremor of a fantasy. Would I have the courage to fulfill the fantasies I have had? Who was I kidding? I was barely strong enough go through with them now. It would be impossible if I felt nothing but fear and guilt every time my endocrine system decided that it was time to get freaky.

I thought of all of the joy that I would have missed, and most of all something much more valuable than just sex. I would not have the relationship that I have, because through sex and fantasy, Ron and I had learned trust and understanding.

I suddenly felt a loss for Rachel that chilled me to the core of my soul. She would never have the opportunity to feel some of the things I had felt if she held onto her guilt. I stared at her and it was like watching a part of her future die before my eyes, swallowed up in her own feelings of fear and guilt. And part of me felt like I was dying here too.

I spoke urgently to her now, "Rachel you can't give up your sex life and most importantly your fantasy life because you had one bad experience. I know it was a lot more serious than 'a bad date', but your fantasies are not something to suppress and hide from. They can make life worth living."

"I don't think anyone would even believe my fantasies." She said glumly.

I laughed. I didn't mean to, and I hoped she didn't take my laughter as mockery of her pain, or worse yet judgment. The laughter held no humor in it, only surprise at how like me she really was.

I laughed because she had said out loud something I had told myself over and over for years. It was of course ridiculous, and I found the irony that saying something can sound completely rational and hearing it completely insane.

And a bizarre thought occurred to me in that same instant: 'That's how politician's can say patently ridiculous statements with complete sincerity. They actually believe themselves.' I laughed again.

She stared at me coldly until I squeezed her hand reassuringly and said, "Rachel everyone thinks they are the only ones who fantasize about freaky sex, and everyone is wrong about that. Even an old lady of 34 like me sometimes has a fantasy or two that are a little unconventional. I mean you were here the other night and saw Molee get fucked like a gang bang queen. That was a fantasy. Everyone has them, and I promise you your fantasies are no freakier than mine or anyone else's."

She looked doubtful. I smiled at her and said, "You said you trusted me. Tell me your fantasy. You will feel better, and I am willing to bet that what goes on inside that pretty head of yours is nothing worse than anything I have done or contemplated myself."

She stared at me nervously. She looked away at the sunrise that had turned the eastern sky a bright orange, but the fiery ball of sun still stood below the horizon.

She turned back to me and took a deep breath and said, "Okay, I trust you."

She began talking slowly at first but quickly picked up a rhythm. I listened as her words painted an erotic movie in my mind. As she spoke her nipples hardened and a thin shine of excited sweat appeared on her upper lip as she mentally lived her fantasy out as she spoke.

She spoke for nearly 15 minutes, the passion and urgency in her voice increasing with each minute. I found my own nipples hardening and felt the familiar tingle between my legs. Each word, sentence, paragraph seemed to come alive in my mind as she spoke as if I were inside of her head voyeuristically watching the scene that she painted.

When she was done we were both full of nervous sexual energy. She stared at me wide eyed and naked. For a minute I did not trust myself to speak. She misinterpreted my silence and said, "See I told you it was weird."

I blinked twice and found my voice. "Rachel you are not a freak, you are a fucking genius. Do you really want that to happen?" I asked the tremors of excitement evident in my voice.

Rachel giggled with relief. "Maybe. I mean I think about it a lot." She actually blushed as she thought about it. My God she had an amazing imagination. There was a depth in her that was like staring into the Grand Canyon. It was exhilarating and scary at the same time and part of you just can't believe it's that deep.

I nodded understanding knowing that reality and fantasy were sometimes best kept separate, but this was incredible.

After the moment passed she turned to me. "So you have done that huh?" she asked with an edge of 'I told you so' in her voice.

I grinned at her, "Well okay I have not done THAT." The truth was I had never even thought of doing what she suggested. I wondered if even Ron and I could do that.

"Okay so I shared my abnormality, you're turn. Now you share. Tell me how freaky you are.", Rachel said to me and then grinned. It was a genuine grin and it made her face light up. God she was beautiful when she was happy.

I stared at her intently. I did trust her, and I would not bullshit her. We were too close and had been through too much for that.

I stood up and went into the house leaving Rachel at the edge of the pool. I returned with Ron's portable DVD player and sat down again. Rachel was now intrigued.

I took her hands and said, "You really don't have anything to feel guilty about. I felt like you did about sex for a really long time and only recently have come to terms with the guilt of it." I paused wondering if this was really the wisest course of action and dismissed the thought immediately.

"I am going to tell you something and then show you something under two conditions. First, if you ever betray my trust, I will never forgive you. Trust can only be earned once with me, if you lose it, you will never get it back. And secondly, you will talk to me if you ever feel guilty about sex. Life is too short for that fucking bullshit." My words came out passionately and with conviction.

Rachel nodded and said seriously, "Okay, I understand."

I stared at her for a long time knowing that this road only traveled one direction and there was no going back. I felt like Alice standing at the edge of the looking glass and wondered if I dared step through with Rachel. Then I smiled and realized that there was some joy sharing this with her.

I began slowly as she had. "Ron and I have invented a game." I began and found myself smiling. This was really fun to share with her, and the curiosity in her eyes only made it more fun.

I paused over the edge of the abyss of knowledge I was about to share with her, knowing that I had already passed the point of return, but also that I had not yet plunged into the depths below. The feeling was like the moment of weightlessness when you stepped off the high dive, but right before you plunge into the water. In that instant you have commitment without consequences, and time is suspended.

The world had stopped for me and everything was in that one moment. I savored it, and then it passed as Rachel spoke.

"What kind of game?" Rachel asked grinning like a child would at the word's 'Once upon a time' when being read his favorite book.

I smiled and continued, "A very cool game, but also a very scary one sometimes. It's a game of fantasy fulfillment. Each month we exchange fantasies in writing and the other has 30 days to fulfill it."

She stared at me with wide disbelieving eyes. She was grinning now like a teenager on summer vacation. "That's so cool." She said dumbfounded.

I smiled at her youthful radiance that once again seemed to light up around her.

I spent the next few minutes answering her questions and explaining all the detailed rules of "The Game" we were playing. She was genuinely intrigued and excited. It was fun to watch her gain understanding. At one point I thought she would clap her hands and dance with joy. As I said, it was fun to share this with her.

After a moment I said, "I have told you something, and now I am going to show you something." I said to her still smiling face. She grinned and I continued, "You shared one of your fantasies with me, and now I am going to share one of mine with you. Only this one I have done."

I told her about the note I had mailed Ron and the circumstances that led up to it. And then I pushed play on the DVD player. The home movie Ron and I had made that amazing night came to life.

Rachel watched with wide eyes as the actions of my fantasy became reality on a 7 inch screen. Her mouth hung open and I noticed the harness of her nipples. I smiled to myself as I watched her watch me.

And for good or ill, we stepped through the looking glass together.