The Human Condition Ch. 06

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jfinn
jfinn
771 Followers

It was after that dinner, that I finally got the courage up to ask my Dad the question I'd been wanting the answer to for almost six years. Ben's own confessions had forced me to think about my own life and relationships.

I suddenly needed to know, to have it spelled out, what my parents, especially my Dad, felt about me, and the direction my life had taken. I took a deep breath and asked him how he really felt about my being gay.

He looked at me for a long time. "You want the truth?" He asked.

"I wouldn't have asked otherwise."

He shrugged. "Okay then, the truth is I hate it."

I flushed and dropped my eyes. I wasn't exactly surprised, my old man was never going to be the poster child for liberal tolerance, but I'd been hoping he'd at least come to accept my sexuality, if not embrace it.

I don't know how long we stood there, but I was determined that I wasn't going to be the first to turn away. I'd raised the goddamn issue, the least I could do was face the answer. It was my father who finally sighed and stepped forward towards me.

"But Mikey, that's a bullshit question and what I think about you being gay doesn't mean crap," he slid his arm into a lock over my neck and pulled me down so he could kiss the top of my head. "Cause it doesn't matter. You are who you are. I'm not some asshole who doesn't know that."

"I just don't want to feel like I've disappointed you," I said.

"Aw Jesus, Mikey, you should know better than that," he squeezed me harder. "For a smart kid, you come up with some of the dumbest shit." He let go of me, stood back and cleared his throat.

"Now go help your mother take out the garbage or something so she doesn't bitch to me later that nobody ever helps her. Then get your ass back in here so we can watch that Schwartzenegger movie your brothers insisted I let them rent. I want to make sure the body count doesn't go into the triple digits," he sounded gruff, but I knew he was giving us both time to recover.

I turned to go find my mom, but I didn't get out of the room before his words stopped me again. "You know, you should have asked me if I loved you," he whispered huskily. "Cause that's the only thing that really matters as far as I'm concerned. And in case your wondering, the answer to that question is yes, always, forever."

And I realized that he was right. It had been a bullshit question. I didn't need his approval, I needed his love and I had that.
So yeah, I was lucky all right. My folks might not be checking the paper, looking for the next gay pride parade to march in, but they loved me and accepted me and isn't that what really matters? At least it seemed that way to me on those cold autumn days when I sat with a dying boy whose parents couldn't forgive him for being the person he was.

Ben died three days before his twenty-second birthday on a snowy day in December. The cause of death was listed as pneumonia. He had come down with it the week before and we had all watched him as he slowly lost his struggle to breath. He was a fighter and finally, Betsy, going into her big sister mode for the last time, told him it was time to let go.

As Joe, Abdul and I watched, she held his hand and said it was all right to leave her; she'd miss him forever, but she'd be okay. I don't know if he heard her or not, but he seemed to relax after that and he quietly stopped breathing about 15 minutes later.

We said our final good-byes to him on his birthday. The service was held in a little chapel on the outskirts of town. There were only 10 pews, but half of them were empty. There was only me, Lucy and the guys from the Tuesday game plus a few others from the hospital and some of Joe's other teammates.

I sat and thought about that as the hospital chaplain performed the ceremony. Nobody who'd really known Ben was there, not one friend had made the trip. I knew Betsy had made some calls, but apparently the news had not instilled any need to attend in the people she'd told. I thought about all those men that Ben had known. Had he meant so little to them? I knew that nothing could hurt Ben anymore, but I felt a cold anger at the people who had used him and then forgotten about him when he no longer could give them what they wanted.

The Chaplain finished up with a prayer, then six of us stood and picked up the coffin to take it out to the hearse. Ben had wanted to be cremated, so there was no graveside ceremony. We shuffled awkwardly down the aisle and for the first time, I noticed a small, blond, delicate looking man in the back pew.

He was blowing his nose as we passed, but he looked up and I saw the tears that were still streaming down his face. I recognized him from a photo Ben kept by his bed. It was Philip. It seemed I was wrong, someone had been there to mourn Ben and the boy he had been.

Afterwards, we all went back to Lucy's for a small buffet. Philip came too and I met him. He was charming and funny and if you didn't look real close, you could almost miss that his heart was broken. He sat close to Betsy and they talked about their childhood together.

She asked him to stay, but he had to get back to Chicago. His show was on the road now and he couldn't take another day off. He promised to return soon though, when he could get the time. His leaving started the exodus, soon no one was left except myself, Joe and Betsy. They left a few minutes later.

Joe had moved his stuff from the frat house to her place. He was going to stay with her, at least until the next semester. She needed him, he said. I hoped that now they would finally be able to figure out where they were going and that both of them would be able to find some happiness.

I didn't see Joe again until after the Christmas holidays. He had taken Betsy home with him. His parents had loved her at first sight, when they'd met her all those years ago. They welcomed her now into their family. I think they'd were half expecting to hear an engagement announcement. That didn't happen and Joe had returned from the holidays looking more lost than ever.

Every time I looked at him, I couldn't help feeling like I was somehow letting him down. But I saw him less and less as his commitments with Betsy grew and my own time was taken up with school and work and Cam. I did notice that he seemed to gradually be coming out of his funk. He wasn't exactly his old happy go lucky self, but he appeared to have made some progress with whatever was bugging him. At any rate, my own troubles with Cam were starting to grow and I was too self absorbed to worry much about Joe anymore.

My crisis had started when I went back to Pennsylvania for the holidays. I'd loved being home with my family and had a great time with them. In a way, that had been the problem. Here I was, supposedly in the middle of this great love affair with this handsome guy and I didn't miss him at all. If anything, it had been a relief to not have to deal with juggling my schedule to fit him and everything else in. That bothered me more than if I'd been pining away for him.

Three months before, I'd have said being with Cam was a dream come true. I was beginning to think that there was something wrong with me. That I had some basic lack inside myself that wouldn't allow me to really commit to another human being.

Ironically, the more I pulled away from Cam, the more determined he was to strengthen our ties. Right after I got back from the holidays, he started bugging me to move in with him. He had a big house and there was plenty of room, but I was increasingly convinced that he wasn't the guy for me. I used my lease with Lucy as an excuse to put him off.

Cam wasn't stupid though. He sensed my ambivalence and he tried to fight it, first by being as nice as he could possibly be, then pushing me to move in and make a commitment. When neither worked, he grew frustrated. He became sarcastic and critical as if he was trying to bring on the breakup we both were beginning to realize was inevitable. By the time February rolled, around I think the only reason we were still together was each of us was too stubborn to be the first one to call it quits. Only the sex could still be thought of as satisfying and even that warm glow lasted only as long as it took us to get our rocks off.

Joe suggested we meet him and Betsy for drinks on Valentine's Day before going off for more private celebrations. It seemed like as good a way as any to start off a holiday I wasn't at all sure I wanted to celebrate. We were meeting in the bar where Cam had first made his intentions known to me. It was also the place where Betsy and Joe had met for their first date three years ago. We were going there as a romantic gesture.

Yeah okay, it was a farce, at least on my side, but I still wasn't sure if I was ready to give up on Cam and me. I figured a nice dinner by candlelight, couldn't hurt. That's what I thought we'd be doing after the bar, a romantic dinner for two in a dimly lit restaurant.

The only problem was, I'd forgotten to clue Cam in on what I wanted, and he had a very different agenda in mind. He'd committed us to going to go to a party at one of his friends. He'd told me this just two nights before. Told me, not asked. More proof, I thought, that my wishes weren't a big consideration with him.

To say I was not looking forward to Valentines Day anymore was an understatement. But I couldn't cancel because of Betsy and Joe. So now, here I was, getting ready for a date I couldn't wait to be over.

"Are you just about ready?" Joe asked as I finished with my tie and put on the new, dark green sport coat, my folks had gotten me for Christmas.

"What's your hurry?" I countered. "We don't have to pick up Betsy for another half hour and Cam won't be meeting us until at least seven."

"I thought we could get a head start with a beer."

"Sure, there's a six pack in the fridge, grab me one to while you're at it."

Joe took two bottles of LaBatts out and handed one to me. We assumed our usual positions on each end of the couch. He took a healthy swig and closed his eyes.

"You know," he said. "I'm going to miss this."

"Why?" I joked. "You going somewhere?"

I knew he wasn't. Both of us had gotten into a couple graduate schools. Joe had his pick of Stanford, while I'd been accepted at both schools I'd applied to, including Hastings in San Francisco. But the thing that had made us both ecstatic was we'd been accepted at U of M. I loved Ann Arbor and there was no doubt that this was where I wanted to stay for another three years. Joe felt the same way. I knew this, because the celebration, when we'd gotten our letters, had lasted for an entire weekend and the hangover had been one of the worst of my life.

"I want to tell you something," Joe said quietly. "I'm going to ask Betsy to marry me tonight."

"That's great," the words came out automatically, but I was surprised. While I knew they were doing better, I hadn't realized they'd come that far.

"I know we got off to a rocky start," Joe answered the look on my face, not the words I'd spoken. "But it's better now."

I nodded, but something about the tone of his voice didn't ring true. I wasn't sure who he was trying to convince, himself or me.

"It's time, Mike. It's the right thing to do and it's time."

Uh oh, this didn't sound like the words of a man who was so in love he couldn't wait to pop the question. I knew I should keep my big mouth shut. I opened it anyway.

"Look," I broke in. "I love Betsy, you know that, but are you sure, man? I mean, let's face it, you haven't seemed to be the happiest camper in the park lately."

"That isn't Betsy's fault," he shook his head.

"Okay, I'll give you that, but Jesus, Joe, I don't want you to rush into this because you feel some responsibility to take care of her. When you think about it, that's even kind of insulting to Betsy. She isn't a child; she's a mature, adult woman. I don't think she'd thank you if she thought you were asking her to marry you because you were sorry for her."

"Shit, Mike," Joe stood and started to pace. "That is not it at all. You have to believe me here. Sure, I'm sorry about Ben. But God, I wouldn't marry her because of that."

He turned and looked at me. He looked like he was desperate to convince me of his desire to get married. "I love her, Mike, I really do. There isn't another woman I could even begin to think of spending my life with. And I want that, you know I do, I always have. I want a family, a wife, kids, dogs, cats, hamsters, the whole nine yards. I can't imagine a life without those things."

"I know you do, but shit, you're twenty two years old, Joe, you have your whole life ahead of you. If you're not a hundred percent about this with Betsy, maybe you should wait."

"No," Joe came back to the couch and stood over me. "I've thought a lot about this. My whole life, I've known that someday I'd settle down. This is it Dude. I'm going to marry Betsy."

We looked at each other for a long minute. Every part of me screamed this was wrong, but then I looked at the pleading in Joe's eyes. He needed me to be happy for him. I'd already upset him with the little I'd said; it was time for me to mind my own business and trust Joe to know what was best for him.

"Hey, it's your life." I stood up too. "You know I love you man, Betsy too. If this is what you want, then I'm really happy for you." I almost sounded sincere.

I grabbed him for a bear hug, but he stiffened in my arms and moved away. Somewhere in my brain an alarm went off. There was something else he hadn't told me.

"If she says yes," he continued. "I'm going to suggest that we move to Palo Alto. I think it would be good for us to start over somewhere fresh and I know Betsy loved California."

"You want to go to Stanford?" I just stood there.

Hearing about the marriage had been a shock, but now, listening to him tell me he would be leaving, left a hole in my in heart you could've put a fist through. In the back of my mind, I'd been preparing for the day that Joe and Betsy would get married, but I'd never considered they might be moving away when they did it.

"I just think it would be best. I don't know, maybe she won't even go for it."

No, I thought dully, she'd go for it. She'd say yes to the proposal and yes to the move. Joe was right; Betsy loved California. She talked about going back there all the time. I think she would have already, if it hadn't been for Joe.

"So when do you think all this'll happen?" I finally croaked out.

"Well first, I have to ask her," Joe smiled, but his eyes were concerned. I realized this wasn't any easier for him than it was for me.

"I'd like to get married as soon as we can throw together a wedding, maybe in Chicago, since Betsy still wants nothing to do with her family. Then we should probably head west right away to get settled before I have to start school."

"So you won't even finish the semester?"

He shrugged. "I've already got my credits; I was just putting in time." I knew that, Joe had taken summer classes when he'd been working on the AIDS project; he was way ahead of the rest of us.

We stood there awkwardly, then I moved forward again to hug him and this time he let me. It was brief and clumsy and it came to me as he let go first; he's already leaving me. And my mind already started to think about this--the beginning of the end of our friendship.

It wouldn't happen right away. Next week would probably be pretty much the same as usual, but soon, the wedding would take up more of his time and then there'd be the round of goodbye parties and showers that would eat up the hours we'd gotten into the habit of spending together. Pretty soon the marriage would be a memory and he and Betsy would be gone from my daily existence.

We'd talk on the phone a lot the first months, but then it would gradually taper off till we just exchanged Christmas and Birthday cards; finally I'd find a birth announcement in the mail and I'd send some dumb ass toy. In a move, I'd lose his address and I'd keep forgetting to call his parents to get it again until too much time had passed and I'd figure there was no point in bothering.

After a while, he'd just be this guy I knew in college. Maybe we'd meet in 20 years at an alumni reunion and we'd sit there and try to think of something to say and all we'd really be thinking is, why in the Hell was I ever friends with this guy?

The picture was clear and vivid in my head, but even as these thoughts formed, I realized I was kidding myself. Maybe I'd play out that scenario with a dozen other guys I'd met on campus, but I was never going to wonder why Joe had been my friend. And I admitted to myself, I would never stop missing him, no matter how much time passed.

Joe put his hand on my shoulder and I leaned into it. I felt the strength in him and my chest constricted at the thought that soon I might never know his touch again. An idea formed and danced on the edge of my mind. I almost staggered as I grappled with thoughts I'd believed I'd never face again. I teetered on the edge of acknowledging something I couldn't even bear to put into cogent thought. Mentally I threw myself back from the abyss. Then I wrenched myself away from him and went and got my coat.

Somehow, I managed to get through the next couple of hours. Joe and I picked up Betsy and we all went to meet Cam. We had a couple of drinks and made polite conversation. At least the three of them did. After all my exertions, I hadn't been able to block the thought that had struck me, as I'd felt his hand.

In one moment of absolute clarity, I had realized that all my carefully constructed arguments, all my emotional constraints, all my rational mental justifications, were just so much bullshit. Because no matter what I'd deluded myself into believing; the truth was I was hopelessly in love with Joe Lassiter. I had been since the day I'd met him. His leaving wasn't just the end of our friendship. For me, it was the end of everything.

I almost couldn't breathe from the truth of this amazing discovery. The damnedest thing was, for a couple of minutes, I felt this kind of elation, no, maybe relief was a better word. At least, I now knew why I'd never been able to really care about anybody else. For whatever reason, my heart had made its choice and nobody else had ever been enough to convince it that it had made a mistake.

Then reality crashed in like a tidal wave. My new self-awareness may have been a sign of my growing maturity, but it did nothing to change the facts. Joe was straight. He had chosen a woman to be his mate. And he was planning on leaving as soon as he could manage it. There wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

I glanced across the booth at Joe and Betsy. They looked so right together. Even now, I could see that. Her exotic darkness next to his all American good looks made them a stunning couple. They sat easily together and I realized Joe had been telling the truth; things did appear to be better between them.

As I watched, I saw Betsy pick up the hand Joe had rested on the table and hold it in both of hers. Absently she smoothed the gold hairs that grew at the base of his fingers. I felt a stab of jealousy as I realized how much I wanted to be the one to do that. The need to touch Joe was suddenly overwhelming and my hands twitched with the effort it took not to reach across the table for him. Abruptly I stood.

"Excuse me, I have to..." I stopped, momentarily at a loss for words. I had to get away, be by myself for a few minutes.

"Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go," Cam said, misunderstanding me, but giving me the excuse I needed all the same.

I took my cue from his words and escaped in the direction of the john, but I walked past it and went out the back door into the alley. The wind was cold and there was a light rain coming down. It was already hardening into crystals and would soon be nothing but ice. I barely noticed as I stood there, my mind preoccupied by what I'd just felt back in that bar.

jfinn
jfinn
771 Followers