The Human Condition Ch. 10

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jfinn
jfinn
770 Followers

I started to protest, but he held out a hand, shook his head and I stopped. After a few seconds of silence, Joe began again.

"Mike, you've been honest with me, and now it's my turn. Forgive me if I get confused or don't make much sense. I haven't had much experience with it; lying is so much easier, especially when you've had as much practice at it as I have."

He waited for me to take in his words. When I had no further comment, he went on.

"From the time I hit puberty, I knew I liked boys sexually. Oh, I liked women, too - plenty - but the attraction to men was always there. I never did anything about it. Well... not much, anyway. There were a few times when my buddy Todd Baylor and I sorta helped each other out when we were beating off, but that was at camp when we were about twelve, and I really don't think that counts."

Actually, it does, I thought, but I wasn't about to interrupt him with a discussion of adolescent gay psychology.

"Anyway, that was about it, 'cause when I realized how much I'd really enjoyed it, it scared the shit out of me! So, I decided that I'd make sure it never happened again. Instead, I just thought, 'big deal, I like girls too.' That's the easier route; I'll just choose that path. I mean, who wouldn't if they could, right? Who would choose being something that half the world hates? At least, that's what my 13 year-old mind thought."

I winced a little but nodded.

Joe smiled apologetically. "Sorry if that's offensive. But you started the truth game, so consider it your fault that I've decided to play, too."

I shrugged. "It's the truth. I never had a choice myself, and I think most guys are the same way, but I can understand what you're saying. If I'd been in your shoes, I'd probably have felt the same way."

He nodded briefly, but he looked relieved at my reaction. "You'd be amazed at how easy it really was to do this. It was like I trained myself to be 100% heterosexual. 'That guy's got a cute ass,' I'd think, and then correct myself. 'No, don't look at him! Look at that girl with the great boobs, instead!' After a while, it just became second nature. Hell, I thought I was over it - like it was a cold or a case of the measles."

He shook his head as if he was still amazed at his own self-deception. "And it didn't exactly feel like I was denying myself anything. I still had all the girls I wanted. Why not? It was socially acceptable, and trust me - I loved every minute of it. That was another reason I was sure that I wasn't really gay. How could I have enjoyed sex with girls so much if I really wanted sex with guys?" He grinned. "Of course, the complexities of bisexuality escaped me in high school."

Joe's smile faded and he looked at me, suddenly serious again. "And they may have forever if something hadn't happened. I met you."

My face flushed momentarily.

"But I wasn't as smart as you," he continued. "I had no idea how I felt for you in the beginning. All I knew was that you were this really cool guy that I liked a lot." He dropped his eyes and studied the hands he was absent-mindedly twisting in his lap.

"Here comes my first confession," he said. "When you told me you were gay, my reaction had more to do with panic than anger." Joe laughed and shook his head. "I was so freaked, I thought the reason you were telling me all the that was because you knew - that somehow you'd guessed my secret! That you knew how attracted I was to guys."

I started to say something, but Joe shook his head.

"And there was more," he said quietly. "For one brief moment when you finally said, 'I'm gay,' all I felt... was happy. And that really scared the hell out of me."

"I had no idea," I said softly.

Joe looked up. "Of course you didn't! I wasn't about to let you or anybody else know my big secret! Hell, I couldn't let myself believe it! Anyway, I managed to justify my reaction pretty damn quick. All those years of conditioning kicked in. By the time I'd gotten home to Chicago, I was just chalking it up to 'one of those things.'

"But, that's why Josh was able to talk me out of being so pissed, so easily. I had already convinced myself that you were no threat to my sexuality." He shook his head and smiled wanly. "Funny - if I'd really thought about it, I wonder if I'd have realized how much I really wanted to be talked into apologizing, and what exactly that meant."

"You made me very happy when you called back that night," I said.

"Don't!" Joe protested. "Don't try and make this sound like it's something I should be proud of! I did that enough on my own. Do you know I actually had the balls to congratulate myself for being so liberal? You wrote in your letter that you thought you'd been an asshole, but I have to tell you - you don't exactly hold the corner on the market, Mike."

"I told myself I loved you like a brother. Hell, it even made sense with Josh so cut off cause of being in the seminary and all. It didn't even occur to me that no matter how close I was to him, I'd never felt the connection I'd felt with you - and he's my twin! But I barely missed him after a while, 'cause I didn't need him the way I always had before. I had you."

I had to admit what he was saying was starting to make a lot of sense, especially after my conversations with Josh. All the pieces I hadn't been able to fit into place before were working their way into the picture. It was a different picture than what I'd expected, but I had a feeling that when it was complete, I was going to like it a lot better.

Joe, for his part, was caught up in his story. "I can tell you the first time I started to realize that I might be feeling something for you, that didn't exactly fit in with my self-image of rampant heterosexuality. If you think about it, you can probably figure it out for yourself. Do you remember? It was the night you came home after spending that day on Cam's boat."

I nodded. Again, this made sense, and I'd already figured out this was a turning point in my own little journeys down memory lane these last few months.

Joe made a sour face. "I never liked him, you know - not from the moment I saw you look at him when he walked into that bar. I told myself that it was just that I was worried about you. Of course, that was pure bullshit, but I bought it because it was what I needed to believe. Then came that night when you came home with Cam, and even my powers of self-deception weren't strong enough to keep me from facing the truth.

"I'd been real happy when I got to your place. You didn't know that, did you? How could you? It sure wasn't the mood I was in when you finally got home. See, Betsy had called an old mutual friend of ours... and then she'd gone to Illinois for the game, and I saw her there afterwards. She told me Bets was on her way back. Of course, I picked up the phone and tried to call you right away, because by that time, I shared everything with you. It seemed natural... addicting. But you weren't home. I tried a couple times, but hey - it was Saturday night, I understood."

"Big of you," I said dryly, then immediately regretted it when I saw the look on Joe's face.

"Yeah, that's me all right," he agreed bitterly.

"I didn't mean it that way," I said quietly. "I'm sorry."

"No, you should mean it. It's true. You know, you once told me I was too easy on you, but from my point of view, it's always been you that's excused me. I mean, why the fuck are you even letting me in your house after I just deserted you like that, with the rape and..." He choked as the words caught in his throat.

"Stop it!" I moved over and grabbed him by the shoulders. "We'll talk about that later. We'll talk about all of it, but right now, let's take one thing at a time, alright?" I looked at him and watched as he struggled to get back his control. When I figured he'd succeeded I spoke again. "Now, tell me the rest of your story."

He nodded then cleared his throat and started again. "The first I thing I did when the team got back was to go over to your place. You still weren't there. I was a little disappointed, but I let myself in and thought you'd be back any minute. That was at 3p.m - by 4, I was asleep on the couch; by 7, I was awake again, and by 10, I was worried."

Joe yawned and I almost stopped him; he looked so tired. Maybe now wasn't the best time to discuss anything. But he saw my look and shook his head no.

"I'm okay, Mike," he said. "Believe it or not, it feels good to tell you this finally. It's such a relief."

"All right, but if you want to stop don't worry about it."

He shrugged. "No, I'm fine. Where was I? Oh, I remember.

"You showed up at 11 that morning, and I knew the moment I saw you that something momentous had happened, and I knew it had to do with Cam by the way you looked at him. I'd never seen you look at anybody that way - not even me. I was instantly so jealous I could barely breathe. Of course, I couldn't let you know that, so I just translated all that emotion into anger. Not exactly a hard trade, since I was pissed, but only at myself for feeling that way. You know the rest of what happened after that, but you never knew why."

I shook my head. "Not right away, no. But these last months, I've been doing a lot of searching through the past, and I wondered..."

Joe shrugged again. "You were always smart."

"Yeah," I said ruefully. "When I wasn't being a total dumbass."

He actually smiled a little. "I was the dumbass that night. Even then I knew what I was doing was unbelievably stupid. But the fact was, until that minute when you walked through the door, it'd never dawned on me that I'd ever have to share you with anyone. Oh, I knew you had boyfriends, but you were always so casual about it. You even told me a couple of times how you didn't ever see yourself really getting seriously involved with anybody. I depended on that being true. I should've known better."

"But you're the one who told me I needed more in my life!" I shot back, indignant at his last statement.

"Yeah, well... I thought we'd already established what a liar I can be," Joe said with a sigh. "Do you know I almost kissed you that night? I was so nuts about seeing you with Cam, I was ready to do try just about anything to make you see what a mistake I thought you were making - even to the point of telling you the truth about my feelings. But when put my arms around you, I suddenly realized that he'd been there first! I felt like he'd beaten me at a game I hadn't even known I was playing."

My eyes widened. Just as he said those words, I realized that was something else I'd known - somewhere deep in my brain, I'd known even then what he'd wanted to do. I'd just buried it like so much else I'd buried about my true relationship with Joe.

"And deep down inside, I knew," he continued. "I knew that however much I might think I wanted you at that moment, I really wasn't prepared to give up everything I'd created about myself... not even for you."

"And that wasn't fair. At least Cam was sure of who he was. If you two didn't make it, it wouldn't be because he'd never given it a fair shot. I couldn't say that about myself."

He looked at me and smiled sadly. "It was probably the one time in this whole mess when I was honestly thinking of you and not being a selfish prick."

Jesus Christ, I thought, suddenly angry. Couldn't you at least have given me the opportunity to try and change your mind? Then I stopped that train of thought before it could consume me. Of course he couldn't, and why would he have thought I'd even want it? It wasn't like I'd been any more honest with him about my own feelings. Hell, at the time he was describing, I hadn't even been honest with myself! Seems like we had a lot more in common then I'd ever believed.

I struggled to my feet, still weary from the day's activities. Nothing was going to get resolved tonight, that was clear. I was worried that we were both so exhausted that we could inadvertently make it worse. Joe's little confession might be good for him, but it was starting to piss me off, and that wasn't the way I wanted our reunion to go. We had a lot of baggage to sort through, but it wasn't all going to happen in one night.

"Okay, enough," I said, raising my hands in surrender. "All my hair shirts are at the cleaners, so we can't continue this conversation until I get them back." I leaned over and grabbed Joe's arm and dragged him up to his feet. "I'm about to fall down dead from lack of sleep, and so are you. We can't solve anything if we can't think clearly."

Joe started to protest, but a yawn caught him in mid-word and he stopped and smiled at me sheepishly. I remembered suddenly that I was in love with the guy. I pulled him to me and wrapped my arms around him tightly. After a moment he put his arms around my neck and buried his face in my shoulder.

I felt my anger melt. Maybe we wouldn't exactly make a poster for the perfect gay couple, but what we did have was worth trying to build on. I hugged him tighter and felt my heart swell when he returned the favor. Yeah, I thought. I was in love with Joe and he seemed to feel the same about me. Life really is beautiful
.
We stood like that until we started swaying. He looked up at me. "If we stay like this much longer, we're probably going to fall down."

"I know," I agreed sadly. "But I don't want to let you go."

His mouth found mine and we shared a soft, sweet kiss. Surprisingly, there was no passion behind it on either of our parts. It was as if we both realized that we had the time to explore that side of us later, and that now was the moment of promise, not fulfillment.

He kissed me again and then we reluctantly broke apart. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. When I came out Joe was still standing in the same spot I'd left him in.

"I thought you'd be ready for bed by now!"

Joe flushed and had a hard time meeting my eyes. "Well, I wasn't sure how we were going to work this."

I walked up to him and gentle tipped his face so he was looking directly at me. "Well, I thought first we'd strip, and then I'd fuck you silly."

His eyes widened.

I laughed. "Jesus, Joe! You have got to get a sense of humor!"

He looked at me and blushed even redder. "Asshole," he muttered.

"Look," I put my arms on his shoulders and felt how tense he was. "I think we should just relax and take our time here. You're totally beat, and so am I. Why don't we just get some sleep for now, and then we can start to figure out where we go from here in the morning."

The muscles under my fingers relaxed. Joe nodded and then smiled shyly at me. "Thanks, Mike." He brushed his lips over mine. "I don't want to act like some virgin at a prom, but I guess I'm a little bit nervous."

"S'okay. If you want the truth, so am I, a little bit." I pointed towards his duffel. "Now, get your jammies on and come to bed."

I deliberately turned my back to him and walked over to the clothes hook on the back of my closet and started to strip. I was being honest - I was a little nervous. I wasn't even sure if I shouldn't just offer to sleep on the couch. God knows, I was totally ready for sex with Joe, but it was clear he was scared shitless. I figured he'd go through with it if I really pushed it, but sacrificial virgins had never been a turn-on for me. I was willing to wait - at least for a little while - until he'd gotten in his bearings.

I stripped to my boxers, but stopped there. I normally slept nude, but it didn't seem like such a hot idea tonight. I turned to see Joe standing there in his briefs too. From long habit, I started to avert my eyes. Then I stopped myself. What the hell was I doing? Maybe we weren't ready yet for the big event, but we sure as shit could check each other out.

After all, it wasn't like I hadn't seen Joe's body before. I had, but only in stolen glimpses. And even those didn't happen often. All the times he'd lived down the hall from me or borrowed my shower when he'd show up at my door after a workout session or a run, you'd think we would've been a little freer with each other. But I was always worried he'd think I was trying to make the moves on him, and he'd had his own concerns, as I knew now. But now, here he was, standing right in front of me, and finally I got a look at the man I'd fantasized about for so long.

He'd lost some weight since the last time I'd seen him, and he'd always been thin. Now, there wasn't an extra ounce of fat on his body. His chest was hard and lean, and he had a triangle of golden hair spreading across to his nipples. From there, it trickled down to a narrow arrow that dissected his naval, then continued south until it spread out again at the waistband of his briefs. His legs were heavily sculpted, long and toned, and covered with a light covering of down that matched the soft hair on his chest. My eyes followed the length of his legs to his long narrow feet and toes and then they reversed and covered the same ground until they stopped at the top of his thighs. He had quite a bulge there, and it stretched and weighed down the soft cotton knit of his underwear. As I looked I could see a twitch and I thought I noticed a thickening of the shaft, whose outline was plainly visible under the thin fabric.

I forced myself to stop from licking my lips and turned my eyes back to Joe's face. I suppose I was worried that I might be making him uncomfortable, but I shouldn't have worried. He was too busy looking at me to notice what sights I'd been taking in. His eyes flickered up and down my torso and when they stopped, my cock told me it knew it was being admired.

Now it was my turn to blush. Because unlike Joe, my distress over the last few months had caused me to gain, not lose weight. Not much, only 10 pounds or so, but still, I was no lightweight to begin with, and the new weight had settled into small love handles and a little thickness over my chest. Thank God, I'd been blessed with a naturally decent body, and the rest of me still looked toned and pretty fit. I was promising myself that this time; I really meant it about starting to work out when Joe interrupted my thoughts.

"Which side of the bed should I take?"

"Huh? Oh," I finally focused on his question. "I usually sleep on the right because of the phone and the alarm and all. That okay with you?"

Well, at least he'd answered the question of whether we were going to sleep together that night.

"Sure," he replied, and walked over to the right side, pulled down the covers, and scooted in.

I watched as he did this and it suddenly hit me. This was Joe in my bed. I mean, in my bed! Right there, sprawled out underneath my official Spiderman sheets! And I had just told him that I thought it was a good idea that we get some sleep. Was I out of my fucking mind?

I turned off the overhead light, then slowly walked over and sat down on the bed. I could feel his eyes burning into my back. I reached over and turned off the desk lamp, and the room was suddenly illuminated with a pale blue light from the full moon outside. I didn't even have the dark anymore to try and convince myself that lump next to me wasn't a guy I'd been lusting after for four years.

Shit, I thought, this was torture! I wasn't even tired anymore. But, I reminded myself; I was going to keep my word. God knows how, but I was going to try. I swung my legs around and pushed them under the covers.

We lay next to each other - not touching, not saying anything, and barely breathing, if the truth be told. I didn't know about Joe, but to my way of thinking, this was turning into a goddamn long night. My head and my heart knew without a doubt that this was absolutely the right thing to do; I just wish my cock felt the same way. It was as hard as a baseball bat, and it was pointing directly at Joe's face, acting like a beacon to show me exactly where it should be right now.

jfinn
jfinn
770 Followers