The Human Condition Ch. 11

We rinsed off the leftover soap and got out of the shower. Both of us had left our towels in the other room so we padded out there wet and naked.

I went over to the bed where I'd thrown mine and Joe grabbed his off the floor by the couch. We were both in the middle of drying when he looked at me and grinned.

"I think we need to go shopping for a bigger water heater."

I laughed. "That might be a good idea."

I watched Joe watching me drying myself. His eyes were back on the whip mark and his face showed real distress. I sighed. Apparently, this was a conversation we couldn't put off any longer.

"Okay," I said resigned. "Talk to me."

"About what?"

"About whatever it is you need to talk about so we can get past this."

Joe was silent and I could tell he was really thinking about it. And as he thought, I took the opportunity to look at him. It was something I didn't think I'd ever get tired of doing and I felt like I'd been deprived of his face for so long. Now I scanned it greedily looking for changes and slight alterations. He didn't look as exhausted as he had the night before. The hollows in his cheeks and under his eyes were still there, but seemed softer somehow. I also noticed his lips seemed a little swollen and there was a slight red tinge to his chin where my beard had irritated the skin. I'd marked him and it pleased me.

I was so caught up in admiring him, that it almost surprised me when he spoke. "Are you really okay?" He asked softly.

I looked at him. A million smart-assed answers were on my lips, but I held them back. If we were to have any chance, we were going have to start being open and honest with each other. We'd wasted so god damned much time dancing around each other already.

"I'm getting there," I finally spoke. "It hasn't been easy, but I've had a lot of help from a lot of people and I think I can finally say I think it's going to be fine."

"You have no idea how much I regret that you can't include me in with that group," Joe's voice was soft and hesitant, but he never broke eye contact.

"Yeah, well honestly," I stared right back at him. "I wish that too."

He looked surprised, almost shocked, but if he thought I was going to just pretend we didn't have some baggage between us, he was dead wrong. One thing I'd learned in therapy - you couldn't let things fester unless you wanted to make them worse. We needed to deal with this and since he'd brought it up, I thought there was no time like the present.

"Look Joe," I went on relentlessly. "I'm not going to pretend that I didn't miss you or wish that you could have been here to be my friend if nothing else."

Now he lowered his head, but not before I saw the tears in his eyes - and the shame.

"But it's okay, Joe, really," I went and knelt beside him and cupped his chin in my hand. "You know, for so long I thought you were just about perfect. When I thought about you it was as this ideal man who was big and strong and smart and always knew all the right answers."

He sniffled. "You've got to be kidding me."

"Nope, and it was damn uncomfortable sometimes, having to try and keep up with this image I had of you. So when you ran..." Joe groaned. "When you ran, it was a shock and it hurt, but at the same time it was almost a relief. Because for the first time I could think about you as a real person and not some golden image I had in my mind. And you know what was really surprising?"

"No," he whispered.

"I realized that I loved you even more than I thought I did. Because nobody can really be in love with perfection, it's too fucking boring."

That got a laugh out of him. "Well then you must be head over heels with me now."

"Oh yeah," I agreed and kissed him softly.

He broke the kiss and smiled at me. "I want you to know that I swear my running days are over."

"They better be," I agreed. "Cause the next time I'll track you down like a dog, and it won't be pretty when I catch up to you."

I stood then and went back over to the bed and lay back on it. I thought that was probably enough truth for now. We'd have to talk about this a lot, but maybe - at least at first - it would be better to do it in small doses.

"Now, where were we?" I wiggled my eyebrows at him and then spread my legs to give him a good view of what I wanted him to concentrate on next. "I remember, talking about shopping for a water heater"

Joe blinked, but I could see he was just as anxious as me to put the last few serious minutes behind us. Slowly he stood and threw his towel down on the floor and swaggered over to me until he stood there towering over the spot where I sat on the bed.

"Oh yeah," he smiled wolfishly. "A very good idea indeed. But I think it's going go have to wait for later."

"Really? You have plans for us?" I teased.

"My turn," he agreed. "You picked the last time."

"Sounds fair, I gue... Oomph!" I grunted as Joe tackled me, throwing his body right over mine on the bed.

For a minute we were all arms and legs. I wasn't sure if we were making love or starting a wrestling match, but whatever it was, it sure as hell was fun. Then Joe removed all doubt by pinning my arms over my head and kissing me. He had ended up on top again, but I didn't mind a bit.

We meshed our hips together thrusting like two thirteen year olds who don't quite know how to go about things. But of course that wasn't the case - at least for me, and I decided to move things along. I raised my legs up until they were tucked almost into my pits. That put my ass on display nicely and Joe's next thrust slid over my hole making it twitch with delight.

Joe was in a rhythm now and so was I. I was looking forward to the next step, when I realized Joe had stopped moving. I waited for a couple of seconds, but he didn't seem in any hurry to continue and since I figured I knew what the deal might be I decided to let him off the hook.

"Look, if you're worried about what happened with me and Elliot, don't be. I mean, yes it makes me a little nervous, but..."

"No," he stopped me. "I mean yes, I'm concerned about that, but I figure you're not going to do anything you aren't ready for, and I'm sure as shit not going to make you, so I guess that's not really the issue." He stopped and took a deep breath. "The thing is that... Jesus, this is embarrassing, but... How the fuck do I do this?"

"You mean you've never...?"

He shook his head miserably. "Well there was one time with this girl, but... I'd rather not go into to it."

I stifled the urge to laugh. "Well first things first." I reached around and fumbled in my nightstand until I came up with the gay man's best friends, lube and condoms. I showed them to Joe and watched as he swallowed nervously.

"I'll just put these over here," I set them down in between the pillows. "That way they'll be near when we need them."

"You were a Boy Scout, weren't you?"

I rolled my eyes. "Not hardly, but I've always admired their motto," I pulled him to me and gave him a sloppy kiss. I stopped suddenly as a thought occurred to me. "You do want to do this don't you? I mean this is where you were heading right?"

Joe raised an eyebrow and looked at me like I'd just lost my mind.

"Okay, just checking," I laughed, and waylaid any comments he might have had by sticking my tongue back down his throat.

With that kind encouragement, it didn't take him long at all to get enthusiastic again. I was amazed to find myself right back in the same position he'd abandoned a few minutes before. Again, I broke the embrace.

"Um Joe," I whispered in between kisses. "Joe, wait."

He groaned, "What now?"

"We need to get you suited up."

"Uh yeah, right," he said sheepishly.

"And you need to get me ready," I grinned at the look on his face. "Don't worry, I'll talk you through it."

We both sat up and I reached back and grabbed the condom and lube. I looked down at Joe's lap. The sexual teasing we'd been putting each other through for the last couple hours was taking its toll. He could have punched a hole in the wall with his cock it was so hard. And I was starting to sound like I'd just finished the Boston Marathon. As I watched a drop of precum bubbled up from his slit and started to drip down the side of his shaft. I reached down and with the tip of my finger smeared the slippery fluid down his shaft.

"Keep doing that," Joe warned. "And things are going to be over before they start."

"Hmmm, don't want that," I agreed. I handed him a condom and watched as his shaking hands refused to obey his command to tear it open.

He saw me looking and grinned self-consciously. "You'd think I'd never done this before."

I took the condom out of his hand and popped it out of the foil. Then I took a dollop of lube and slicked Joe up. He hissed at the feeling, but said nothing.

"Well technically," I slid the thin latex down over his rod. "You haven't."

I handed him the lube. Maybe he wasn't experienced, but he caught on quick. He squeezed a blob of the slippery stuff on his fingers and shuddered, just from the contact. He looked at me and I could tell from his eyes that the reality of what we were preparing to do had just really sunk in. He didn't look a bit unhappy about it either.

"Warm it up," I cautioned, and watched as he slid it around for a minute doing just that.

I lay back down on my stomach and spread my legs and waited. It didn't take him long to figure this move out too. I felt his hand sliding through my crack until his finger made contact with my pucker.

"Ohhhh yeah," I encouraged him.

He circled my center again and again, and then tentatively pushed. There was nothing tentative about me though and I raised my hips and impaled myself on his finger. His hand stilled.

"Go ahead," I said hoarsely. "Explore a little bit."

Obediently he wiggled his finger and laughed when he saw my corresponding shiver of excitement. "God it feels so soft," he sounded surprised. "I didn't know it would be like that, almost like velvet or suede or something, and the musculature - amazing."

Right, only I really wasn't in the mood for an anatomy discussion. "More," I demanded. "Put another finger in."

There was no hesitation this time as he added a second digit. I was glad to see that my muscles seemed to be waking up to the memory of what was required of them and relaxed after only a few seconds. But even so, it was a bit uncomfortable. It had, after all, been a very long time.

I grimaced. "You need to add some more lube."

He was instantly concerned. "Are you okay with this?"

"Yes, just need a little more grease," I assured him.

"Okay," he forgot about the chill and squirted a big splash directly on my ass and I hissed from the feeling. "Damn! I'm sorry."

"Don't be," I twisted and looked at him. "Just remember paybacks are hell."

His eyes clouded over momentarily and I swore softly to myself. Shit, not another Cam. I wasn't prepared to bottom for the rest of my life. One of the things being with Saul had convinced me of. Oh well, I thought, one step at a time and for today, being fucked was exactly what I wanted.

Joe had put his fingers back in me while my thoughts wandered and I was glad to see that now the discomfort was almost completely gone. "How much of this stuff is enough?"

"When you think you've used too much, that's probably just about right," I managed to say through my sexual haze. A pretty good accomplishment when you realized my brain was working with almost no oxygen.

Joe added another finger and when he did, he inadvertently rubbed against my hot spot.

"Hummph," I grunted and got a grin in response.

"You like that?" Joe asked, and then to prove it to himself, he found the spot again.

"Oh god, yes," I pulled myself up on my side; careful to keep his fingers planted in my ass, and grabbed his other arm to bring him in for a kiss. When we finally came up for air, we were both moaning.

"It's time," I gasped.

He pushed me back on my stomach and I pulled my legs up to my chest giving him an easy target. I felt the weight of him on my back and his now slippery cock slid home towards it's target and...

"You're shaking," Joe stopped. "And I don't mean that in a good way."

He was right. Dammit! It was Saul and Kevin all over again. I could feel the panic swirling in my gut. Goddamn, Elliot and every rapist who ever lived, including all those guys who thought "No" was a relative term that didn't include them.

Joe wasn't one of them though. He was off me like a shot and then he grabbed my suddenly limp body and pulled me to him. "Mike, baby - it's okay," he stroked and cooed over and over again until I'd regained some of my senses.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I didn't think this would happen. I want you so fucking much!"

"Trust me, my love, I already figured that out," he grinned a sexy smile and we both laughed at the small joke. At least it seemed to break the tension of the last few moments. I stopped shaking, and just to prove to both of us that I was fine, I pulled myself out of his arms.

Joe watched me until he was satisfied I really was okay and then sat back on his heels and cocked his head. "So, what happened do you think? What set you off?"

So typical, I thought. Of course Joe would be like this - practical, accepting, calm. First take care of it, and then find out what happened so it could be avoided in the future. It was these instincts that were going to make him a great doctor someday.

I sighed and thought about it for a minute. "I don't know, I think it was the fact that you were on my back and I couldn't see you. I suddenly felt trapped."

Joe nodded seriously and considered what I'd just said. "Okay, well maybe there is some way we can get around this," he studied my face. "Unless of course you don't want to try again so soon."

It was my turn to raise an eyebrow. "Are you out of your fucking mind?"

He laughed and then flopped back onto the bed and spread his arms. "Then take me, I'm yours."

I looked down at him. Mine. I shook my head - unfucking believable. I was being offered a miracle and who ever turns down one of those? I leaned over and kissed him.

This time it was Joe who stayed on the bottom and me who led the way. In the past this had never been a favorite position of mine, but now it felt right, I needed to be in control. Already Joe seemed to intuitively know what would please me most so he gave me that power. And although I could see by the clench of his jaw and the strain of his shoulders and the way his fists had gathered up the quilt underneath him, that it was damn near killing him to remain passive, he did it.

Luckily, once I felt myself back in my comfort zone, I was just as eager as he was. So I straddled his hips and felt Joe's cock brush against my back and thrilled at the thought that soon that big hard piece of meat was going to be inside me. And this time there would be no second thoughts.

"You ready?" My voice was an octave lower than usual and sounded more like a growl than something human.

"Oh yeah," Joe sounded just as stressed.

I rocked up at the same time I reached around and grabbed him with my hand. Then slowly I aimed my ass at him. Like a bull's eye beckoning an arrow, we met. I watched Joe's face as I slowly slid down on the head of his dick. His eyes widened and then narrowed as the feeling of impaling me took over.

It was a slow process, this consummation of our love. I may have been doing the driving, but I was still leery and I needed time to process everything my body was telling me. Thank god Joe wasn't as big as Cam. Although I'd always loved it eventually, the beginning of my fucks with him had always been an ordeal and I'd never really adjusted to his size. Joe, on the other hand, seemed to have been made for me. I felt full, but never to the point where I thought I would rip from the girth. It was such a relief. And when I was finally sitting on his hips I realized that for the first time, I'd been breached without losing my hard-on.

But it was more than size that made this a much different experience. From the very first time on that damn seductive boat of Cam's, getting fucked had been a real ordeal for me. The act of submission - of spreading my legs, and my ass so another male could mount me was almost more than I could stand. Of course I did stand it - often and with great enthusiasm. But still, there had always been that moment, that point where I struggled, almost in panic, to expel the object in my ass. Because to be penetrated, to be taken that way, just never seemed completely right to me, regardless of how good it got me off.

Not this time. Not with Joe. As I felt him enter me, I didn't feel dominated. There was no thought that somehow allowing his cock into my ass made me less than him. On the contrary, to look down and watch the wonder and pleasure in his face, made me proud. I could give him this - me - no one else. It was love, it was sex, and most of all it was completion for both of us. And I knew that no matter what ever happened between us, that this feeling would be there in my heart for the rest of my life.

I finally had him all inside. I was shaking again, but this time, it was in a good way. Joe was covered in sweat and his breath rasped in fast gasps that showed in his rapidly rising and falling chest. I realized again that this was his very first time with a man and it was obvious that the experience had affected him profoundly. Again, I was amazed that he'd been so docile. I knew from my own experience that the first time is so overwhelming it's almost impossible to not get carried away. But he'd hadn't tried to hurry me along or showed any frustration when I hesitated again and again, taking time to let the feeling of being overstuffed go away.

"I love you," we said it together.

Joe moved his legs restlessly and I could see that this was my cue. I wiggled a little and he groaned. I leaned down and grabbed his shoulders as a brace and then lifted my hips a couple of inches.

"Oh God," he twisted his head in a movement of unbearable pleasure.

My thoughts exactly.

I'd planned on taking this slow, reveling in all the feelings this first time for us was creating. Making a memory that we'd never be able to forget. Nice thought, but I found that once I'd started there was no way I was going to stop until the final explosion. Faster and faster I went, each time elongating my journey until only the head of his cock stayed inside me as I pulled out, hovering for just a second then slamming back down onto his hips. Joe helped me, thrusting up to get that extra bit, that little extra millimeter I seemed to crave.

My thighs were shaking under the strain and my sweat splashed onto Joe mixing with his own and gleaming in miniature puddles in the dips and contours of his hard body. Just looking at all that wet male flesh made my balls draw up and I knew it was time for some manual stimulation of my own dick. Joe had other ideas. He grabbed my hands and held onto them as he half raised and half pulled me down until our lips met for a hot, sweet kiss. I don't know if he'd known what would happen or if it was just dumb luck, but the change in position sent his cock charging over my prostrate and with a strangled cry that echoed in each of our mouths I came without ever touching myself.

My ass pulsed, once, twice, and then I stopped counting as my dick jerked and spewed its load on our chests and stomachs. Joe yelled my name as my ass transmitted its joy to his cock and, with one more shout, he joined me in my newfound state of sexual delirium and filled the condom with his hot fluid.

"Oh Christ, oh Christ," he murmured into my ear after I'd collapsed onto him. "Oh God, Mike," he struggled to raise his head and look at my face. "Are you okay?"