The Human Condition Ch. 08

"Gay," I added.

"That, too," she agreed, "but I'm willing to bet you take a lot of care not to be perceived as effeminate because of it. I think that's important to you. And anyway, what does that have to do with anything? Rape is power - it's not about sex. Lots of rapists swing both ways. It's the dominance that turns them on. They like to make people feel
helpless. Some of them, like Elliot, translate that to mentally helpless, as well as physically. It's what gives them their charge, and to hell with the lives they destroy getting it."

I nodded, and she reached out and squeezed my hand.

"You listen to me, Mike," she said quietly. "You're stronger than you know, and you're going to make it through this."

I thanked her, we said goodnight, and I walked over to my car. I had alot to think about on the way home, a lot to face, but I felt better about myself than I had in a long time.

Of course it wasn't easy. I wasn't suddenly 'all better' - I don't want you to think that. But every day was a step forward; the hole I'd dug for myself was getting shallower, and soon I'd be able to I'd be able to leave it behind all together.

One big relief was my sex drive was coming back. I don't mean I was ready to out and score a quickie at the bar, but I was able to at least think about sex without wanting to puke my guts out. And my dick was making a little comeback of its own. Now, the only problem was trying to think of anybody, but Joe, as good fantasy material.

My folks came up for my graduation. I'd been talking to Alice, trying to decide what I was going to say to them. She listened, but mainly declined to give me her opinion. It wasn't until the day before they arrived that I managed to wheedle anything out of her.

"It's up to you, baby," she said finally. "I don't live your life, and I can't tell you how to live it. But I do know for myself, that I've found the truth, no matter how difficult, is always better."

I thought about that the whole night. I'd been tapering off on the sleeping pills and had been doing pretty well, but this night I was sleepless. It didn't feel too bad though, because for once I was up because I was facing my problems, not because I was trying to hide from them.

My parents arrived around 3 the next day. Only my sister Sarah had made the trip with them. My brothers still had class for another week. Sarah was a senior in high school and was already finished. I would be heading home for her big day in another two weeks.

Lucy had insisted that my folks stay with her at the house and Sarah was going to bunk down with me. Lucy had met my parents once before on their annual trip to see Michigan play Penn State in football, and they'd hit it off as soon as Lucy realized my folks were going to root for the Big M and not the Nittany Lions.

I took my folks over to Lucy's and left Sarah to get her own things unpacked. After we'd dumped suitcases, Lucy gave us all a glass of wine and we sat around the kitchen table and talked. I knew if I was going to say anything now was the time. I took a big breath and began before my nerve left me.

Lucy figured out where I was heading and tried to leave, but I stopped her. It wasn't as if this was anything new to her, and in my newfound resolve for honesty, I wanted her there. Also the moral support would be great if my parents weren't able to handle it as well as I hoped.

It went okay... and it didn't. My folks, as always, came through with their love and support, but they were also so horrified that I felt like shit about telling them after all. I assured them that I was fine physically, and that mentally I was on my way to a full recovery. I glossed over that last part; even mentioning therapy had brought tears
to my Mom's eyes, and my Dad had to stand and pace the kitchen as he listened.

Eventually, we switched the conversation to something less
controversial. Just in time, too, because Sarah came in the room, bitching about how hungry she was, and wasn't I going to take them to someplace fabulous for dinner?

The rest of the night went by uneventfully, and if my Mom held my arm a little too often and my Dad couldn't stop staring, whenever I thought he wasn't looking, it couldn't be helped. Sarah was her usual smart-assed self, and that was good. It leant an air of normalcy to what could have been an otherwise-strained evening.

At one point, when Sarah left to go to the bathroom, the conversation stalled and I thought it would be best if I made my own escape. I used the same excuse my little sister had, and headed for the john. I had just finished up and was coming back when I noticed Sarah, still in the hallway, talking to a guy.

He was an okay-looking kid, maybe 19 or so, and he wasn't doing anything wrong as far as I could tell. But it suddenly hit me that my little sister wasn't so little anymore. And what made it worse was that somewhere between puberty and now, Sarah had grown up goddamned gorgeous.

She was as fair as I was dark, a taller clone of our mother. She could've had a real 'Alice in Wonderland' thing going for her if she'd played it up. Instead, she'd adopted a grunge rock look that, I was sorry to say, worked really well, too. Now she was headed for college - not here, though - at Northwestern, for broadcasting.

It hadn't been all that long ago that I'd been getting ready for my first year away from home. I remembered how much I'd looked forward to it. Then I remembered why and walked up to the pair to break them up.

"...that's not that far away," the boy was saying. "Maybe we could get together sometime over a weekend."

"Hi!" I said, and felt great satisfaction when the kid jumped.

"Oh, it's you," Sarah said with a distinct lack of enthusiasm. "Have I been too long? Were you sent to rescue me from the perils of the white slavers who we all know lurk outside of restaurant restrooms?"

I ignored her. "So aren't you going to introduce me to your little friend?"

"Er, Justin," he said, sticking out his hand.

"Asshole," Sarah hissed, glaring at me.

I lazily ran my eyes over the kid. "Seems okay to me."

Okay, I probably had the shot she gave me coming for that one. But she was my baby sister, after all, and I was supposed to act like a pain in the ass. It's in the rulebook somewhere.

Justin wisely decided that it was time to split. Sarah and I made it back to the table without her causing me too much damage, although she did manage to kick the back of my calf every third or fourth step. She stopped talking to me, too, after that. She didn't unbend until we'd gotten our folks safely tucked away in their bed at Lucy's and made our way back to my place.

"I'm sorry," I said, for the thousandth time that night.

Sarah threw her purse on the couch and walked over to the fridge. She pulled out two cans of beer and tossed one to me. Apparently, her highness had decided to bestow her generosity and forgive me; even if it was with my own beer.

"You're too young to drink that," I said as I popped the top on mine.

"Oh, bite me." She took a big swig and came over to the couch and sat beside me. Her face got serious. "So you were actually raped?"

I had just tipped my head back for another swallow. I choked and beer shot out of my mouth and nose.

"Fuck!" I jumped up and grabbed some paper towels. "How the hell do you know about that?"

She shrugged. "You were telling Mom and Dad. I just listened."

"What charming habits you've picked up," I said, rolling my eyes.

"Whatever works. So you're okay now?"

"Didn't you stick around for that part? Yeah, I'm fine."

"Good, I'm glad." Her face softened as she looked up at me. "Mike, I really am glad, you know."

I smiled at her, touched by the unaccustomed concern. "Thanks, Sarah. That means a lot to me."

She backed off; it wasn't in her to be nice for very long. "I mean, what would I do if you went ape shit on me? Then I'd only have Andy to talk to, and we all know what a shit-heel he is. Rob is too young yet. Though," she mused it over in her mind, "he is kinda sweet. Probably the best of us, anyway."

"Gee, thanks."

"Well, you know what I mean. You're so straight," she said, and stuck her tongue out at me when I laughed pointedly. "Well, you know what I mean. I'm pretty much of a bitch, and Andy has gone totally over to the dark side."

I nodded. I knew this was the truth. Andy had always been wild, but since he'd hit high school it was even worse. My parents were worried sick about him.

"So that leaves Robby, the great white hope," Sarah concluded.

I took another swig. "You think he's going to be okay, huh?"

"Yeah I do," she said with a nod. "He's a real sweetie, even when he's being a pain in the ass. He idolizes you, too - did you know that?"

"You're kidding?" I was pleased, though I tried hard not to show it.

"He's always talking about his big brother Mike who hangs out with jocks and is gonna be a lawyer. You know what he said the other day? In front of the whole clan, including Aunt Livid?"

I shook my head.

"He said," she started to do a perfect imitation of our littlest brother's voice, "When I grow up, I want to be just like Mike... except for the gay thing."

I burst out laughing. "What a little shit."

"That's what Dad said. But Mike, he was serious, so don't turn into a basket case or something. He needs you. I... we all do."

Then I thought of a question I'd wanted to ask her before, but had got distracted when she mentioned Rob.

"Sarah, do you think that Mom and Dad are okay about me telling them about the rape?"

She snorted. "No. Of course they're not okay! They love you and want you to be safe."

"You think I shouldn't have told them then. I mean... I worried because I was afraid they might be disgusted or something. Sure, they know I'm gay, but do they know exactly what that means?"

She gave me this really disgusted look. "Jesus, for someone who'd supposed to be so smart, you really are clueless. They would never equate your being gay to your being raped. Even they aren't that stupid," she said, then corrected herself. "Actually, they aren't stupid at all."

I raised an eyebrow. Sarah really was growing up — faster than me, it seemed. She hugged me quickly, then got up and confiscated another beer and one for me. When she came back to the couch she changed the subject.

"So Joe was the one who rescued you?"

I nodded. "He started it, but there were others who were involved."

"So romantic."

I think I mentioned somewhere before that Sarah had a long-standing crush on Joe. I'd always thought of it as some cute little girl thing, but Sarah wasn't a kid anymore. It worried me that she still might feel that way.

I snorted. "You can't possibly be still mooning over Joe? Sorry Sarah, but you aren't his type."

It was only something to say - just bullshit to get her mad and off track. So her response surprised the shit out of me.

"I figured that out a long time ago," she said, looking sideways at me, judging how far she could push it. "Last Spring, when I came out here for that week."

"You mean when you conned Mom and Dad into thinking you were going to go to school here, so you could get some time out of class?"

She grinned. "Sure, that was the plan. But Mike, I did look the place over and I saw a lot of other things too. Like..." She swallowed; sometimes that tough-girl veneer of hers was pretty thin. "...how you looked at Joe when you thought he wasn't watching."

"What? Don't get crazy on me here." I couldn't look at her, even as I said it.

"Oh, it's okay," she reassured me, "you never did it in public where someone else would see, just here, at home. I guess you take me for granted so much, you didn't remember I was around. But I was, and I'm not the little innocent you think I am."

"I'm beginning to realize that," I muttered.

"I noticed something else, too. Something you might be very interested in."

"Yeah, right."

"You weren't the only one looking."

My head shot up and I stared at her. "Sarah, so help me God, if you say one thing about this to anybody..."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh chill, please. I would never do that. But I want a favor in return."

"Okay - you can have my old Van Halen CD's."

"Cool, but that's not what I was going to ask for," she said with a grin. A cold chill ran down my spine when she continued. "What I want is the simply the truth. Are you and Joe lovers?"

"You know he was engaged this fall," I retorted.

"And I also know that doesn't mean shit! And you haven't answered my question."

I thought about it. I was willing to tell her the truth. Alice was right: the truth was always best. The only problem was, I didn't know what that was. I looked at Sarah, smiling next to me and waiting expectantly.

I took a deep breath. "I'm working on it," I said quietly.

Sarah's smile turned into a grin and she jumped into my lap and gave me a big hug. "Oh that is so great! I would so love to have Joe for a brother-in-law."

I pulled her back. "Hey, wait a minute! Let's slow down here. There are a lot of problems..." - that was an understatement, I thought to myself - "...like Joe doesn't really know if he can have a relationship with a man, let alone be open about it. And I can't have it any other way."

She nodded happily, unwilling to even think about that. "Don't worry so much, Mike. He loves you - trust me, a woman knows these things."

I tickled her ribs and she squirmed and giggled and tried to get out of my lap. "Woman, eh?" I laughed. "I don't see any women around here - just a skinny assed girl who has a big mouth and sees much too much for her own good."

"Oh, you are sooo gonna get it for that!"

She attacked me back and we ended rolling on the floor like we used to when we were kids. We didn't stop until we were out of breath. We lay there together, exhausted, until Sarah finally yawned and said she needed sleep. I needed some, too, because of the thoughts that had kept me up the night before. I got up and then leaned back down to give her a hand.

"Mike promise me you mean that."

"Mean what, Sarah?"

"That you'll work on getting things right with Joe. That you won't put it off until it's too late and then, for the rest of your life, wonder what could have happened it you tried harder," she dropped her head as her cheeks flushed. "and yes, I know this is none of my business."

"When has that ever stopped you?"

"Shut up, I'm serious," she punched me, but my teasing had done the trick and she wasn't embarrassed anymore. "I just want what's best for you. And for Joe. I wouldn't have said anything if I didn't know he was as crazy about you as you are about him." She stood on her tiptoes and kissed me. "So promise, okay?"

I took her words seriously. My grown up little sister deserved that. "I promise."

She grinned at me delighted then turned and started to get ready for bed. I made up the couch for her while she brushed her teeth, then we said our goodnights and crawled into our beds. I thought a lot about what she'd said and even more about what I had told her.

I'd given her my word I was going to try and fight for Joe. I was going to keep that promise too. Somewhere through all the mess and all the problems of the last few months, I'd realized that everything else in my world might have changed, but not my love for Joe.

Betsy and Sarah believed he loved me back and I trusted their instincts. I wanted to believe them because I'd finally realized I needed Joe and I was tired of waiting around for him to make the first move. For once in my life, I was going to go after the thing I wanted most in the world.

Now all I had to do was try and figure out how the hell I was going to go about
it.

to be continued...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Authors note:
This is a work of fiction. Readers should remember this when they read my description of the therapy sessions that Mike undergoes. They are figments of my imagination, devised solely to tell a story. Crisis Intervention
counseling and psychotherapy are wonderful resources for people dealing with the trauma of being raped and if any of you feel that I have trivialized it, I'd like to assure you that this was never my intent and I apologize.

Jayne