tagHumor & SatireThe Inner Workings of a Man's Mind

The Inner Workings of a Man's Mind

byMaster_Vassago©

Chapter One

SEX.

Ok, lets face it men think about sex lets say roughly 2000 times a day. When we desperately want it the lot of us aren't getting it, and when we have resigned ourselves to not getting it the women finally decide to start giving it. How do you cope with such a thing. Here's how, you look deep into your subconscious and think about well sex. I mean with all that sex on your mind the brain has little time to think of other things.

Example: At work you notice a secretary, co-worker whatever she may be wearing a nice little skirt that shows just a bit too much leg. Your mind immediately drifts beyond that extra bit of leg and wonders what's under the rest of the skirt. The same applies for blouses, a little cleavage showing forms a deep seeded need to see the how puppy package. Now your workday is shot and your stuck trying to think about expense reports and all the other nonsense while not picturing the little hot body near you naked and on your desk.

It is impossible, you wake up with morning wood and expect that even though your bladder is ready to explode, should you roll over and nudge your wife with the offensive beast she should respond accordingly. You remember the vows to have to hold through sickness and in health. Well they should be changed to, you have to hold throughout your sick and tiredness and definitely in health.

Sex is the primary driving force of life, now lets think about that. Without sex there is no procreation, without sex men get highly agitated and want to start fights. Think about your college and latter high school days, when you were occasionally getting some loving. When you went three weeks or so without sex you were ready to tear some ones head off. And those damn communal showers didn't leave a lot of privacy for bopping the bishop now did they. Also you have to consider the times that you had to live in fear of your roomate(s) coming back in and catching you being abusive to yourself. Oh the horror. In high school we all were dying to get our first time over with, for most it lasted about a minute if you were lucky and that pressure was gone, and then five minutes after the girl left you were right back where you were before.

This is a very vicious cycle and then the moments you know your getting laid and then it doesn't happen, or perhaps it wont happen and you swear that this is the first time that your proud little guy refused to join in the game. I do know that in today's laid back moral society it is much easier to get a one night or whenever she is in the mood boinkbuddy. It is gratifying and you don't have to buy her flowers. These are the girls we would never take home to mom but we love to show off to our friends. Now of course the first time she asks you for a favor, to say, go to a wedding, you will tuck tail and run for the hills and a new search has begun as soon as the phone line is disconnected. Let's examine the letters in sex and see why they arouse us so much now.

S. words that start with S issue sex to us. Suck. Sex. Slut. Supple. Slit. Submissive. Succulent. Sweet. Sixty-nine. Shove. Stud. Sensual. All of these words and so many others immediately remind us of sex. I tell you they are all evil words. Now with the E's. Erect, erogenous, exquisite, enormous, engorged, excite. See the point. Finally the X's. Well ok the X's stand by themselves you cannot do much with an x.

Sex as an exercise can burn numerous calories and keeps you fit. Here's an argument for your female counterpart. The more sex you have the better you feel, no porn star was ever depressed all the time and neither is a guy who hates his job, yet gets sex on a regular basis. It's all relevant.

2. Women. We all as men love them. Of course some of us prefer thin, while others take a liking to plus sized lovers. But in all women have that one thing we want... Pussy. It's warm, wet and just pulls you in. How can a woman have that and still ruin your life. Simple she opens her mouth.

Some of us would prefer the June Cleaver type, a woman who stayed home cooked, cleaned and took care of the children. But that leaves you with bedroom antics. Could June at the end of the day give a blowjob that left her husband in convulsions. Would she flip over and beg him to spank her and slam his pulsing cock inside. Probably not. We all need the Madonna and the whore, and sadly enough too few women are readily accepting of both roles.

But enough is enough women have only one place in the world of erotica and porn. To fulfill our childish male fantasies.

3. That leads me directly into fantasies. Everyone has their own personal kink. I like so many different aspects that to limit any one fantasy here would be unfair to you the reader and women in general.

Men like variety. We want the lollipop sucking little pigtail wearing slut. Also the quiet seductress who goes to dinner with us and "Forget's" her panties on occasion. Or the feisty little submissive wench in the bedroom that only denies our orders or requests so she will be "punished". So many different fantasies and once your married and have a child or children they seem to go right out the door.

Ladies don't forget the fantasy, the playful things you would do when you were dating once you got past the initial awkward stage. When one night you would come over to your man's apartment in a long coat with only stockings and a belt on beneath.

5. Wives. Hmm where to start. They can be a terror or the best thing in the world. Better than a girlfriend because when you are ready to have sex they don't need to be taken out to dinner and romanced first. But worse because when it's that time of the month, you have to go to sleep with them cupping your own crotch because of an offhanded comment that riled her up. You don't want to wake up cockless in the morning because you married the beast in the bed next to you.

And while we are at it. Women do expel gas and to put it bluntly they shit too and it doesn't smell like a bed of roses. The first time your woman will do this is after you are married. This is the foundation for your relationship now. Excusing her little raunchy bodily noises and stenches that seem to have come from the bowels of hell itself. If you can forgive a room clearing fart from your wife, you know the one that makes your eyes water until you have to run from the room or puke, then she will always love you.

NEVER, I repeat, NEVER make fun of her cooking. Some wives have never cooked until the first time they prepare dinner for their husband the first time. Oh sure they can make mac and cheese and hopefully boil water without burning anything else. But, realistically in today's age some women don't have to learn to cook until then. So the first few years you choke down burnt food and that first time she tries to surprise you by using YOUR grill to cook something and charbroils everything until it is no longer recognizable by any FDA inspector and it appears to better be classified as an element on the periodic table just smile chew, chew, chew, chew, and chew some more. After that first bite is gone smile, laugh and tell that lie about how the first time you grilled out you burnt the ever loving shit out of everything. Then wait till she goes to bed and search out the nearest pizza place or fast food restaurant nearby.

As for sex after marriage, it's simple. Learn to jerk off. On the rare occasion that she isn't too tired or is actually in the mood, POUNCE. Give her that built up loving you stored deep inside. By now your stamina is at 25 seconds. So give her lots of foreplay. Because it will be over quick. Pray for a second bout of sex. If it doesn't come. And lots of times it won't, go jerk off. Or go jerk off and practice for next time. Eventually she may get into the pre-marriage sexual spurts again for a week or two at a time when she wants to have you inside her every chance you get. Worship those times and keep them in your fantasies. They don't happen often.

6. Sports. HAH! Once you are married your sports life decreases unless you play anything professionally. She will think that if you go play sports it's an excuse to avoid spending time with her and/or spend time with your immature friends or another woman. Don't argue, or you will lose sexual privileges..see above section you don't want to risk losing anymore than you already have.

My downfall is soccer, so after two kids and over four years of marriage I have compromised. I don't play anymore unless she allows it.

6. Porn. I secretly think lots of women love porn. I have evidence to substantiate this statement and thought though. They don't want to watch it with you or rarely if ever. When they do they tend to laugh at everything and make fun of the plot. IT's Porn there is no plot just fucking. I must say though that when you leave out Penthouse or Playboy sometimes they tend to get flipped through or your favorite page gets turned.

Now I must also say that once I started writing on here I got the pleasure of being reintroduced to sex with the Mrs again. Now my writings may not be porn but, close enough at times. A welcome addition to the bedroom. Now I write things to cleverly suggest and pique her curiosity.

So in closing No I still don't understand women nor will I ever. But it's sure fun to try at times. I love sex and everything close to it. Even if I don't understand the wife or her moods at all times I will humbly smile when she asks if I want to have sex and run to the bedroom or couch which ever is closer and have the best 25 seconds of my day. 50 if I'm lucky and get it twice.

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