The Meaning of Lizzie

Samantha,

I suppose that I should start with the standard opening questions for a letter: How are you? What have you been doing? etc... But, since I don't have a return address and won't have one for the rest of this summer that would be a bit pointless. I'm going on a road trip with a friend. I've decided to write you once in a while. Don't expect letters, just know that they may come.

That's how I started the letters. We were in Alabama that night and in the morning we stopped at a rest plaza on route 65 just outside of Athens. There was a light mist and the sun was coming up over some hills that were lush green and trees. There wasn't a single color except for the green and all different shades of green: forest, blue, and hundreds of other shades. I don't think crayola knows what to call all of it. That was when I knew that it was spring and that was when I started the letters. I wrote to Sam on a picnic table that said things like, DON'T FEED THE BEARS, THERE ARE NO BEARS AROUND HERE, DICKWEED, SALLY LOVES JOHNY, MARY LOVES SALLY. You've got to love people's humor.

I know that it's been a long time since you've heard from me. I've been thinking that maybe I should let everyone at home know what happened. I never meant to hurt anyone. I suppose I was being selfish when I took off and didn't tell anyone where I was going. I'm not trying to justify my actions or apologize for them. But, I think I may be able to explain them. I think I should start with Lizzi.

I met Lizzi as a friend of a friend. She was strangely eccentric, exceptionally elitist, intelligent to a flaw, and appeared farther from normal than anyone I'd ever met. I first spoke to her out of necessity, she was there and it was awkward to stand in silence. It wasn't until months later that I found out how much I needed to know her.

I listened to my family far too much. They said, "go to college." I went. They said, "be a teacher." I majored in elementary ed. I said, "I hate this shit," and quit. I changed my major to writing. That was where Lizzi came in. She was an artist. She liked to paint large distorted pictures of different parts of the body. She spent most of her time just being and only dealt with the parts of the world she saw fit. She was unique and I figured that a character like her with a decent plot would make a great story.

Lizzi was the "frightening" roommate of a disgustingly candied girl I knew. She was nice and normal and completely intimidated by Lizzi, who, took great pleasure in messing with her mind. I was fascinated by my first impressions of Lizzi. Much to the disappointment of my friend and that led to her no longer being my friend. In the end Lizzi moved in with Kate and my friend moved in with whoever that girl down the hall was who played loud rap music all of the time.

I went looking for Lizzi the day after I changed my major and quickly latched onto her, trying to figure her out. Our friendship, if you could call it that, was one sided in everything. I worked my way into her life without her needing or wanting me there. Looking back I can see that the only part that was mutual was the respect and need for the relationship. Though at first that was pretty one sided as well. Neither Lizzi nor I knew that Lizzi needed anyone. Let alone me.

As I first began my initiation into the small elitist group that was Lizzi's circle she was worried about how I would react to things. So, she brought them up slowly, testing the waters so to speak. I think that I became her great project for the year: turn boring loud freshman into interesting creative person. Not that I objected.

The beginning with Lizzi was mostly a game, I think. She took great pleasure in shocking me. She enjoyed seeing my face contort into that strange array of confusion and amazement that she so easily was able to evoke. After all, I was the "good Christian girl" and she was going to help me with that problem.

To a certain degree Lizzi was more interested in how she affected people then people themselves. It took a while before I gained enough respect from her to be treated as anything other than a science experiment that involved a human instead of a lab rat. She would go to great lengths just to get a reaction out of me.

Don't take this wrong Sam. It wasn't Lizzi entirely that did it. There were several pieces of myself missing. I didn't know where to look or what I'd find, if anything. But, following Lizzi around was definitely different from my life before.

Lizzi was laying in bed when I came to her room one night. That wouldn't have upset my traditionalistic nature itself, but she was lying in bed with a woman. We had known each other for a short time at that point. I had come to accept that Lizzi was trying to make an impression on me. But, I never really considered this and at first it truly confused me. I sat in a chair opposite the bed and carried on a conversation with her and the girl with her, Jane, and Lizzi's roommate, Kate, before I finally got up enough nerve to ask them why they were in bed like that. They weren't naked or anything. But, they were touching and caressing and then kissing so I asked. They laughed and I waited and yes they had decided to start going out. It was strange enough that it was Lizzi, who had been dating a man named Mike just before that, but Jane was another friend of mine, from long before I met Lizzi, and the fact that she was dating Lizzi had shocked me more than anything else.

Lizzi was normally abnormal in comparison to social equinox and could be called the societal Antichrist in some respects. But, Jane was, or had appeared to be, the "miss fit in" of the bunch and as much an adamant hetero as I used to be. It seemed that I was being dealt a tremendous dose of the antiserum for not judging by appearances and it was going down quite badly. Salvaging what I could of my shattered picturesque impression of friends and life as I had known it, I finished the conversation jokingly. I should have realized, at that time, what they had in the works. The conversation had turned chidingly to me going out with Kate, but I thought that they were teasing me.

Months passed and I got used to hearing about the escapades that the group went on. They'd all go out in the middle of the night and decorate trees with odd gloves and socks or they'd go for a walk in a thunderstorm or spend the night camping out in the cemetery with tarot cards trying to determine the future, convinced that the ground held some special meaning. They went to poetry readings and sat around in their room naked. I even heard rumors about them throwing a party where everyone was supposed to come naked and just be there naked. But, I was never invited. I don't think I would have gone, back then.

Those things, that they did as a group where no one was any different from anyone else and whoever wanted to join in could, weren't the things that I wanted to be a part of as much as the long intimate conversations that can only take place between close friends. All of the people in Lizzi's circle seemed to have that level of communication indicative of lovers or intimate companions. I had never been part of something like that. Although, I did and still do believe it exists, somewhere.

But, even the ridiculous stuff they did, together, sounded great to me, who never left my room. And complete childishness was something that I never actually tried anymore. Lizzi would tell me about everything they did. It became a temptation dangling there in front of me. I could see it as well as my own reflection in the mirror. That reminded me of the bad taste I left the bathroom with every morning. That taste in my mouth that never seemed to go away after I brushed my teeth staring into that giant, dorm, bathroom mirror surrounded by florescent lighting.

I know now that she was preparing me, kind of the way doctors get a person's body ready for an organ transplant so that the body doesn't reject the new organ. When I was at the point of wanting nothing else, but fearing to ask for it, she invited me along. In this way it could never be said that I was forced into anything I didn't ask for.

I was growing increasingly restless watching the television in complete boredom as Jason would leave me in my room alone and go out with the guys, supposedly. I was still completely and foolishly devoted to him. Then the phone rang. It was a sound completely foreign to me at that point and almost scared me as I picked up the receiver. It was Lizzi and she asked me to join a small group that she was leading into town that night. Leaving my high school prom pictures behind in a pile on the floor and Jason's class ring with them I headed out the door to meet Lizzi and the others who were gathered in her room and waiting to leave. There were close to ten people including Lizzi, Jane, Kate, and I. Mike, Lizzi's ex who I found completely intriguing, never came around anymore after he found out about Jane and Lizzi. I have to admit I was a little disappointed about that.

We ended up in a bar that I had heard of as the place to go for underage drinking. The bar tender didn't ask and I didn't say as he handed me a drink without looking at my I.D. and I went over to join the rest of the group at a round table in a corner in the back. Even through the thick smoke I could see that Lizzi and Jane were all over each other. But, no one among us, except me, noticed. Kate sat down next to me and sidled up fairly close. I was always a touchy person and people picked on me about how adverse I was to physical contact so I didn't say anything about Kate's proximity, thinking that it was probably normal for her, and after I finished my third beer her hand on my knee didn't bother me at all.

The rest of the people with us were distributed evenly among different tables and there was this strange pale, dark haired boy who was continually staring at Lizzi and Lizzi would stare right back. She would even watch him while she was necking with Jane and he seemed quite amused by that. But, Lizzi never answered any questions about him that I asked, then, and no one else seemed to care. We spent most of our time there in a state of general amusement and seated across from a small group of guys who didn't come with us and didn't know us and were more or less frightened by the blatant lesbianism. The rest of the time we spent listening to the bad poetry being spewed from a small stage off in an abyss of the room.

We joked and laughed and left the bar quite blasted, tripping down the road and ended up in the park three blocks from our dorm and on the swing set. The motion of the swings was quite dizzying under the effects of alcohol. But I think that the fresh night air helped to combat the nausea which should have set in. The rest of the group had dispersed and I was left with Lizzi, Jane and Kate. Kate and I watched Lizzi and Jane in the moonlight and I wondered what it was like to kiss a woman. I'd never thought about it before and maybe it was the beer, but I asked and then found out.

Sam, I sit here carefully reading words from my page, but all I can see in the letters is the concerned frown passing over your face that I've come to know quite intimately in the few times I have seen you since I left home. You said once that you trusted me more than anyone else in our family. You have to believe in me now.

Kate's lips were a lot softer than Jason's and they tasted sweet. I think she'd been drinking wine that night. I could smell her hair and I touched it. It was soft and she didn't have a mustache to work my way through scratching my face, and her hands were smooth. After it happened we all stood silent for a while and the others waited to see how I would react. But, I didn't really react at all. I sort of treated it with a "matter of fact" manner and a "so that's what it's like" air. They went back to swinging and laughing and joking, though Lizzi was the only one who's voice didn't seem to hold the taught air that the rest of us tried so hard to hide, and no one said another word about it until weeks later. It was like a hidden secret that we all shared but weren't sure we wanted to admit to. I think they acted that way because they were afraid of how I would handle it and I know that I acted that way because I was afraid of how I'd handle it.

That was the strangest night I'd ever had. For the first time ever I got truly wasted and then I kissed Kate or Kate kissed me. I'm still not sure of the exact physics of the first kissed. But, when I finally got up the nerve to deal with it and said something about it one night, it happened again and that time I know I didn't mind and maybe even liked it. That night was the first time I actually came to grips with my views and feelings on the matter. Nothing ever went any farther between Kate and me. I don't think I wanted it to. I had reached the conclusions I needed from the experience and I was never really attracted to Kate anyway.

My new found insight and revelation that year took up a lot of my time and then all of a sudden it was summer and the group hugged and said good bye and made plans, if sketchy, for the next semester and summer correspondence. But, I never wrote any letters and none were written to me and I went back to my own boring normality over the summer.

It pleased my parents that college hadn't changed me too much, but they never paid that much attention to my behavior anyway, as long as I stayed out of trouble. I started to feel quite depressed that it had all ended just as I started to get involved. I had felt like I was understood and accepted. I wondered if things would go back to what they were when we all got back together come the beginning of the next semester. But, found myself feeling doubtful and contemplating trying to get into a sorority if it didn't work out with Lizzi, Jane, and Kate or giving up entirely.

You see, Sam, there was something more to it all then just being friends. Jason didn't understand at all. He hated them. Jason and I were fine all summer and if I had never gone back to school or if the others hadn't been there when I got there I know that things would have stayed the same and I never would have had the courage to get out. I would be married now with three kids and a dog and coming to visit Mom every Sunday for dinner.

Come the beginning of my sophomore year when I moved into the dorm the first person to knock on my door was Kate. She brought her usual entourage plus one. Some new guy she was dating. I was happy for her even if a little jealous and I let the past slip silently out of my mind. I felt like a huge weight was gone. I was back and everything was virtually the same except that Lizzi was depressed over her summer adventures.

Lizzi hadn't gone home that summer like the rest of us had. She moved in with Mike and ended up back in an intimate relationship with him that they both had said would never happen again. A previous boyfriend of Lizzi's had also surfaced that summer and ended up killing himself before the end of the first month he was around, because he found out about Mike. It all sounded to me like a bad rerun soap. But, the weirdest part about all of it was that Lizzi felt responsible for the second guy's death and Mike's depression when she pushed him away again intent on returning to Jane come the beginning of the year. Lizzi didn't want to lose Mike's friendship over the entire affair and so now she wanted me to start dating Mike so that he would have a girlfriend and she wouldn't never see him again because I was her friend and always around. At first I found Lizzi's logic rather twisted and selfish. But, this was Mike and I couldn't help but like him. He was "a good looking, fun guy who wasn't after a commitment but wanted someone around on an intimate level," (personal ad would read). That seemed to be the exact relationship I was looking for. But, you can guess how awkward the entire affair would be if we actually did anything and at first we didn't.

That was where my next great moral dilemma occurred. Start dating Mike, have a fling with no real meaning behind it and sex for the first time in months, I had stopped sleeping with Jason out of resentment or revenge or something, or don't go out with Mike and leave Lizzi depressed and Mike depressed. Besides that I was still around Jason and regardless of how the situation was set up he believed that we were together or would eventually be back together and would start trouble with anyone who seemed to be getting close to me. But, I was bored in that relationship. It was solid and had an air of marriage about it, if I allowed him to stay around. Then again I wanted to be out of it and no one in Lizzi's company who knew what was going on saw any moral problems with going out with Mike and not telling Jason. In the end I found out that it was exceptionally easy to pull off and Jason never knew what was happening. He was continually going out with his friends and I, in turn, would go out with mine.

I had given up my virginity to Jason the summer before that semester and Lizzi was glad for that. She seemed to believe that a virgin was a waste of a good body. Not that I share her belief. But, I do think that virginity is only a state of mind in life and not necessarily any state of the body itself. In essence I had decided that I was looking forward to getting involved with Mike. In fact I wanted very much to be with him. The first time I got exceptionally intimate with Mike though, all I could think about was what he may or may not have done with Lizzi, and my mind, reeling of the possibilities forced me to stop headlong and leave the apartment. I found myself back in bed with Jason and then felt bad about going from one guy to the other. Besides the problem that because I had slept with him, Jason decided that there was still a chance for us. Finally I convinced Jason that we needed to see other people, period. Then I didn't feel so bad about going out with Mike. But, I still couldn't give Mike everything he wanted, or I wanted, without wondering about Lizzi.

Lizzi had grown quite fond of talking with me and since I was dating Mike she was always asking me how he was. She cared a great deal about him as a good friend. But, she was adamant about never getting involved with him again. Finally one night I couldn't take it any longer and I asked her what, exactly was between them when they were together. Lizzi didn't say much about what they had done but she confided that it meant more to Mike than to her and convinced me that I was acting like an idiot and sometimes a person has to be impetuous. Next thing I knew I was in bed with Mike and this time I didn't run out.

Sam, as I reread the pages I know that after that night with Mike I wasn't going back to the person I was before that and I was glad. This was it. The deciding factor. No matter how much or how little the relationship with Mike or with Lizzi meant to them they had no idea what it meant to me. I know that Mike was just using me as a vehicle to get over Lizzi. But, reciprocity as it is, I was only using him to break away from home and Jason.

Mike was a memorable lover. He was different. Mike held and caressed me and didn't worry about my thinking he was strange if he did something he thought I'd like. Jason had been afraid of experimentation. With Mike I felt alive and free and totally out of control, not only in bed but in general. It was one of the greatest feelings of my life and exceptionally addictive.

The relationship with Mike didn't last very long, sexually. Although even after we stopped having sex on a regular basis every once and a while it just happened. But, through everything our relationship became one of the strongest friendships that I had during college. Because of the things that we had in common, like the writing we both did and many of our views about human compulsions, we just seemed to connect and understand each other. It had always been hard for me to open up to people and trust them, but I found it all very easy with Mike and to this day I wonder where he is and what he's doing and miss the times we spent talking.