The Misadventures of Boney & Cloyed

Well you can blame Gatorhermit and Magooo for the inspiration to do this story. Their comments caused me to look into the possibility of telling the story of the Hispanic Redneck family in "Don't ask" in more detail. I tried to make sure that no rednecks or bigots were hurt in the telling of this story. Well I didn't worry so much about the bigots.

Reminds me of an old joke; What is black and yellow and funnier than hell?...A school bus full of bigots going over a cliff.

I doubt that there is a single original idea in this story. I admit I borrowed and modified a lot of items from too many sources to identify all of them. If you think you recognize anything of yours in here you might or might not be correct.

There are enough ideas left over to write more, but I used most of the good ones here and will most likely leave it as is. Maybe I will use them in something else.

The only popular subject I did not deal with was incest; because Momma says "...that is a sin and you don't want to do that sort of thing or the Lord will get ya."

So what category? No loving wives, no incest, only gay by reference, everyone consented (sort of), no anal, not much interracial, no to all but humor and non erotic. I guess there is a strange one somewhere that thinks this is erotic.

Is there a category just for rednecks? I guess that would be humor (?).

You can enjoy it or not. I had fun putting this shit down, hope it is enjoyed by some.

Keep the remarks nice or you will be persecuted in whatever method suits me.

Be good and take your meds as required, you will survive. Or not.

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Daddy decided it was time for something different. He and Momma never bothered to get married. I guess, after11 years and 6 babies, Momma was not the virginal woman he wanted to be with. She blossomed into womanhood at over 350 pounds; being a baby factory will do that to even the finest of women.

The story is that they met when he was traveling between migrant camps. He was a fruit picker. His old car chose to die about 200 yards down the road from our place. He was a frail little fellow; Momma pushed the car into the yard and fed him supper. Then she fed him a whole lot more.

She weighed in at about 150 back then. It was mostly tits and ass. Daddy offered to work for her until the car was repaired and the parts were paid for. She kept him really busy for a good long while.

Daddy was the runt of the litter in his family, about 5 foot 6, 105 pounds with a full belly and a roll of quarters in his pocket. Momma said he was more than adequate in bed.

You might have heard the old joke about the dwarf who walks into a whorehouse. He whips it out and the ladies see about 4 inches of floppy meat; SHORTY is tattooed on the side. One of the girls says she will take care of Shorty. 2 hours later he comes strolling down the steps with a big smile on his face, and leaves. 5 minutes after he leaves the girl struggles down the stairs, looking like she had been to war. The other girls surround her and try to comfort her. The Madam asks what happened. The girl says "Remember SHORTY? When he gets erect the tattoo reads Shorty's Bar and grill 33rd and 3rd, Brookline, NY. We serve the best steaks in town."

That was Daddy in a nut shell.

They were a sight to be seen together. He was this scrawny little Mexican fellow. She was all tits and ass with a nose the size of Philadelphia; and she was as redneck as they come. He towered over her 4 foot 8 inch tall body.

Momma took a shine to him and they settled into a serious bout of domestic tranquility. 13 months later she gave birth to a set of twins, both boys. There was no time to call for a doctor; she woke at 3 in the morning as her water broke and the first one slid out about 45 minutes later. Daddy said the first one was going to be named Jose; after his father. Momma promptly spit out the second boy and pronounced his name to be Josb. (Pronounced Hose B) Momma is not the brightest bulb on the marquee. She always took it to be a compliment when Daddy would tell visitors "She is almost as smart as a box full of hair."

Momma was a great cook and spit out babies at the regular rate of a litter every 18 months; all except the first were single babies. She always claimed the first batch was more because they did it twice that night. She was happy.

Momma and Daddy put out 6 boys total; she always wanted a girl but never got one. Each of the boys was bigger than the one before. The first 2 were 7 pounds 9 ounces and 7 pounds 7 ounces. The last boy was 14 pounds 13 ounces.

After having that one Daddy wanted to start having anal sex because he swore he could never get any friction. Momma told him she that was intended to be an exit; besides she did not want any redneck lawyers in the family. You know, lawyers equal assholes; never mind I don't want to explain it. Every time I try I get a headache.

So the boys were named, in birth order; Jose, Josb, Moe, Larry, Curly and Herbie. Guess which movie was out when Herbie was born.

Over the years genetics and the amount of good food we were fed caused us to become some rather large boys. Not just fat, we were large all over and all as strong as oxen.

Momma claimed that when Herbie was born his dick was almost as big as Daddy's.

There was a fellow who had been coming in for a while to gas up and get his brews for the campfire at his lake side cabin; his name was Paul. He had been in the Army for 15 years; then someone decided it was time for Lieutenant Paul to get out because he would never get any further. He went into the reserves and was promoted to Captain a few years later. After 10 years in the reserves he finally made Major. Then his unit was called up to go to war.

The 'poor man' injured his back and had to stay here while the others went away. They had to keep him on active duty until his back recovered; about 5 years later. Then he promptly retired from the military and bought the cabin. I have a bridge to sell you if you believe the story about his back.

He was always asking us boys if we like to go camping, and then asking if we ever woke up with our pants around our ankles and a rubber hanging out of our ass. One day he walked into the store and said "Yes, that is a banana in my pocket. But I am still glad to see you." Jose and Josb kicked his ass that day. He stopped coming inside after that. About 2 months later we saw Daddy climb into his truck and they were gone. This was almost 13 months after Herbie was born. We saw them about once a year as they stopped in for beer and gas. They are always feeling each others asses and holding hands.

When Herbie was 10 he called them both a couple of faggots and told them to never come back. The other 5 of us backed him up.

Life was good after that. We sold enough beer, gas and camping supplies to feed the family and pay the bills. We thought about getting into repairs; but no one wanted to work that hard. After a week we decided to skip that idea.

Instead we decided we would get into amateur stock car racing. We were real good mechanics and loved to drive fast so it seemed a natural. The track over in the next county paid $500 for first place, $300 for second and $200 for third. Now, that was some real money.

We also made a little shine from time to time. Ours was proclaimed the best in the valley by those who knew. Mostly we sold it by the pint; $2, you supplied the container. You left the container on a window sill as you came in for lunch. You tipped Momma an extra $2 when you sat down and when you left the container was in the back seat of your car in a paper bag. Momma called it a seating tip.

One day a fellow stopped in and asked if we could deliver larger amounts. He wanted it for his bar. Momma said we needed to talk about it for a while.

A few weeks later Moe saw an old, broken down honey wagon for sale on the side of the road. It almost ran and the tank parts worked; it needed a lot of repairs. The old man who owned it, one Mr. Boe Vine, died and the children wanted no part of it. We got it for a song.

It took a lot of swamp water to flush out all the shit that had built up in it over the years, and then we started in with fresh water. Once it was cleaned up we made all the repairs and painted it. We painted a golden toilet on both sides and put "Yours is our bread and butter" in a circle around the porcelain god.

While we had it apart we welded a compartment into the front of the tank. It had 2 compartments; one held 500 gallons of fresh water, to rinse things off. The other area was about 400 gallons to hold shine. The shine tank was inside the fresh water. There was a switching valve inside that would only work with the lights on and the truck in reverse and the switch in the down position. The water and shine both came out of the same hose.

Every 3 weeks, or so, we would drive up and pump his septic tank and deliver 400 gallons of shine to a holding tank he had inside his garage. After washing off our truck we always filled the fresh water tank from a special spigot on his building. First we delivered the shine then flushed the hose after the delivery.

We get a lot of regular and semi-regular customers in the place. One was this fellow who drove a custom camper, pulled by a huge pickup. It is hard to miss; they are custom painted to match each other. Horses are running across the desert on both sides. He was a regular for 10 years. He had been bringing this beautiful platinum blond in with him for the last year or so. To say she was beautiful would be a disservice to her. One day as he left the store I sighed, a little louder than I meant, "Oh man, if you ever get tired of her I sure would like to have her."

He turned and looked then got in and drove off. The next 2 times that camper drove by to the park it did not stop. I never told the others what happened. The 3rd time he went by going up to the state park. 40 minutes later he was back and pulled in. The regulars I always greet with "Que Possum?" I am a Hispanic Redneck, remember?

I walked over to apologize for my remark. He just smiled and said he understood. Then he told me "There may or may not be some vermin in the camper, do what you want with them. I will not know if they were there or not. Just make sure there are no vermin in there when I leave." He said something about a wife and her lover and never wanting to see them again. At least that is something like how I remember it.

He went in to eat; when he came back out we had left 2 cases of cold ones and made sure there were no rats in the camper. Jose pulled it over to the shaded area of the lot for him.

The store had been the local pokey many years ago. No one bothered to remove the cells; we just used them to store our extra liquor. It took a bit of work but soon there were 2 empty cells; we put all the liquor in the middle one. The guy we found, in the camper, went in one and the woman, the beautiful platinum blond was put in the other. We took their clothes and cuffed them to the bars, just to make them feel more at home. A chain was clamped to their ankles and welded to a large metal plate that was bolted to the floor. When we took their clothes we found out she was a natural blond.

For the next week we kept a close eye on them, fed them one time a day and told them if we heard a peep out of them they would pay. Each time one of them would talk we threw a switch and they both got the shit shocked out of them. The electricity ran through the chain and out the cuffs and down through the bars.

One day Momma got wind that we were holding a guy in the back, we had not decided what to do with him yet. She went to visit. As she left that day she told him his life would be a lot better if he would pleasure her. The look on his face was all the answer he had to give her. It had been years since she had a man and she was getting fed up waiting for another. She ordered their food to be cut to ¼th of the current amount. We did not like it, but when Momma spoke we did whatever she said. Each afternoon Momma went to see them and asked which one was gonna make her happy first. The 4th day he finally broke down and said he would do it.

We locked Momma in the cell with him and Jose told him to "...treat her good, or you WILL live to regret it"

We went out to sit on the porch as far away as we could get. After 4 hours, as she requested, we went back and let her out. She was the happiest we had seen her in a coon's age. She promptly went out and fixed him a supper to die for; there was a small steak, baked potato, beans and ham and pecan pie for desert. He also was given a beer.

Now you need to remember us boys were Momma's life. She walked past the blond's cell with the dinner and stood there for about a minute. Just before she went to give the food to him she said. "If'n ya wants ta eat like this all yous needs ta do is treat me boys right; jus like your man did for me."

The next day we were introduced to her womanly charms. Momma set the rules; if you didn't do your jobs you did not get your turn, only one boy at a time and only 2 per day. You could take all the time you wanted but she got to rest and bathe for 4 hours between boys. We went in order of our ages. When Jose got to her she cried in pain for the entire time; he was too big, it hurt. Momma gave her the rest of the day off since it hurt her so bad. Hosb went next; it was still painful but not as bad. The day that Herbie got her, she was in serious pain. She got the afternoon off again. Within a month she was begging us to be rougher and faster and started to ask for more than one boy at a time; Momma said "No!" to that one.

The blond swore she was happier than any other time in her life. She treated all us boys real nice. The guy, on the other hand, looked as if he was going to waste away and blow off in the wind. Blondie decided to help him out and spent part of her time eating Momma out, between bouts with us boys.

It was 6 months later when we realized she had not had a period for a few months. We did a home test kit and discovered Blondie was with child. Six months later she gave all of us a little boy. After a month of recovery we were all ready to screw a tree. We were glad when she started to want us again. One a day was the order for the first month, then Momma let us go back to 2 per day. Sucking on her titties was a delight now. We never drained her too much; the baby has to eat too.

Momma, not being too bright, figured she was just going through the change of life when her periods stopped. She just kept after the man and Blondie helped him out when he was too tired to go on. One day as she was eating Momma for the second time in a row Momma let loose with a big gush of liquid. She almost drowned her lover. Ten minutes later something started to push her face away from Momma. Blondie reached out just in time to catch the baby as it slid out of Momma.

Momma had her little girl at last. She was so fat that no one could see any difference as she got bigger with the child. The gas problems she had complained about for the last month turned out to be our little sister. Remember Momma is not too bright.

Every now and then we will get visitors at the store that have been fighting on the road. Sometimes the fights continue after they stop at the store. Well, one of those fights showed up on a fine spring Saturday afternoon. They got out and the woman ran for the outhouse. While she was in there he drove off.

Most times the guy comes back a bit later; this fellow did not. We had fed her lunch and calmed her down. By evening we sort of knew he would keep on running. We offered to call someone to get her; she was an only child, her parents were dead and she had nowhere to go. She kinda took an interest in Moe. The next morning we found them together in Moe's bed. Sally decided to stay when she found out she could have us all.

The first 2 now were given the run of the place mostly. They were told to keep out of the customers' sight. The fellow decided he was in love with Momma and became like her little puppy dog. We had taken to calling him Boney.

Shortly after Sally arrived, a big rig pulled up in front and a fellow was pushed out the door by a girl. The truck drove off dumping him in the dusty lot. By the time he got up the truck was long gone. The trucker and this guy's girl decided he was not needed and dumped him out, to continue their journey without him.

We took him into the store and gave him a drink and sandwich while Momma patched up his torn up hands and knees. There was a bit of road rash from the fall off the truck.

Momma told him he could stay as long as he needed and explained the rent to him. He was to be an assistant to Boney. He took one look at Momma and decided to avail himself of the offer. We named him Cloyed, because Momma now said she had too much of a good thing.

We soon found out why he was kicked out of the truck so fast. It seems that he had a certain propensity toward gastric distress when he ate the wrong foods. We spent some time figuring out what he could not eat and quickly resolved that problem. There was a list of 15 things he was to avoid. Soon Momma had both of her lovers so pussy whipped that she could get them to do anything just by threatening to cut them off.

Well there was a little problem with the grill in the store one day. Wasn't really all that big of a problem; it died on us. There was one in a town about 6 hours away that we could have if we picked it up; it was 4 to 5 days to deliver it to us. Momma told her lovers it was time to earn their lovin'. Since Cloyed was not going to be in the house for a bit he decided to consume many of the things on his list for breakfast. He had eggs, baked beans, fried potatoes (with onions), fried chicken and broccoli before they hit the road.

Boney was the only person who could be with him when he went into distress. After almost 4 years of dining at the Y, specifically Momma's, he had no sense of smell anymore.

So Boney and Cloyed went forth to retrieve the grill and make Momma happy. They had been driving for about 2 hours and decided to stop for some food. They found a little grocery/food mart and went in to get something. When the food was ready they went up to pay for it and Cloyed let loose with one of his better blasts. The woman turned green and ran to the back of the store. They waited for 10 minutes for her to return and finally decided to leave with the food; neither remembered to pay for the food. They drove and ate then one of them asked how much money they had left. After counting they realized it was the same as they left with. This amused them to no end.

After chuckling for a while as they drove they decided to see if they could do it again. By the time they found the next store Cloyed was almost in pain from holding back. Boney went in and got a basket full of goodies and was soon joined by Cloyed who let loose another scorcher. All the stuff was rung up and back in the cart. This woman also turned and ran as soon as she got her first whiff. The boys waited for 5 minutes and left with their things. They left $10 on the register.

The truck they were driving was just an old white Ford F150. There were no marks to make it standout in any way. The license plate had just enough dirt to make it difficult to read.

They really had to push it to get there on time to pick up the grill, so they drove straight through. Once they had the grill in the back they headed back home. Well, their thoughts turned back to the good time of earlier in the day. They decided to try this out a few more times. They were successful at each of the 5 places they tried. By now the bed of the truck had close to $950 worth of groceries inside the cap.