The New Owners - 03 March

Wed, Mar 1, 00

I almost forgot Margaret tonight. I guess I have been leaving work earlier than normal recently like around 6 every night so I can get home at a good time and I... actually, I guess maybe I was just too eager to go make tea. So I was 10 minutes late and when I was driving there I realized I had not told Trish that I wouldn't be home until later and wondering if she would be upset and if I should go down when I got home or just skip tonight. Which started me thinking that I don't think Trish said "See you tomorrow" last night and I don't even think the night before that. Which means I am just going over cause I want to. I mean, I do want to but its not like I can pretend she is asking me to. So by the time I got to Margaret's I was all worried about that and just couldn't get into the session so she just did some energy work.

On the drive home I decided that I should just skip going down tonight. She did not say I should and it was after 8:00 and she probably wouldn't feel like tea. It just feels stupid to be knocking on her door a 8:30 to make her tea. If he was working tonight Ryan will be home in an hour and she will be making their dinner.

Thu, Mar 2, 00

Trish was very cross that I didn't go down last night. I told her I had an appointment but she just said I should have gone down afterward. Then she asked me if I didn't think I should apologize. Just like I was a bad child. I know I blushed and got that horrible exciting feeling and I was so busy thinking about my hoo-hoo that I didn't answer so I could be even more embarrassed. Finally she said "Well...?" and I managed to tell her was sorry. I really like it when she makes me feel like a naughty little girl. When I was boiling the water I checked and found that my panties were completely soaked.

She was wearing an even shorter skirt then last time and all I could think about the whole time I was doing her feet was what she would say if she caught me peeking up it. I didn't do it, but it was SO hard not to especially because she didn't even try to keep her legs together. It really is as if she can read my mind sometimes. Like she knew what I was thinking last time and was daring me to today. And it is hard to find somewhere else to look when you know you are not supposed to look someplace. I don't think I looked her in the face the whole time because I would have had move my eyes past "there" to do it so I just concentrated on her feet.

When I came back upstairs there was a message from Nancy asking if we are still on for dinner tomorrow night. I had completely forgotten. I never forget dates and here I have forgotten two in two days. Anyway, I knew I couldn't just not show up Trish's tomorrow after last night so I had to go down and tell her I would be out. Only she laughed at me and asked if I was asking her permission to go out which made me blush and get embarrassed which always makes me tongue tied. I told her I was just letting her know but she said "Yes, Marilyn, you may go out tomorrow night" in this totally condescending tone that made me mad. I DON'T need to have her permission to go out for dinner. So I just said good night again and started up stairs until she said "Oh Marilyn?" I know now when she does this that she is going to humiliate me somehow, so that horrible embarrassment came flooding over me in an instant while I stopped and turned back, waiting for it.

"Don't you think you should thank me? For giving you the night off?"

Why does she think I need her permission? How does she know that I won't just tell her to go to Hell? I wanted to. Oh, I wanted to so badly. But my mouth just would not say the words. And after a minute or so of standing there like an idiot I just had to say something so I did it. I said "Thank you". And in that same condescending tone she said "Your welcome, Marilyn. Have a good night, Marilyn" and closed the door. I don't understand what is happening. What does she want? How can she think I need her permission to go out?

Fri, Mar 3, 00

Had dinner with Nancy but all she did was complain about work and I kept wishing I had stayed at home and was sitting at Trish's feet with her laughing at me. G_d, I'm pathetic.

Sat, Mar 4, 00

Spent most of the day making an upside-down cake to take tonight. I had to run out to get pineapple and cherries and then when I actually started I didn't have enough flour so I had to go out again. Now I am just waiting to go down. I hate this waiting when you are all ready and there is not time to get into anything. I totally have butterflies wondering what is going to happen. What I want to do is go use Kendal but I better not. Beside, in a way it is better to not be able to. It makes me want to more. I will just save it for after dinner. I wish I knew what to expect tonight. I am so nervous my palms are sweating and I have that ringing in my ears that I get when I am stressed. What if she makes me serve them dinner? I am supposed to go down at 6 so I wonder if I will have to serve tea before dinner. Oh this is crazy. I am just making myself crazy wondering. I think I had better go watch tv.

___

Oh G_d I knew she was going to do something! As soon as we sat down to dinner Trish asked me if I was seeing any one and then asked me why not. Like what was I supposed to say? That I am totally plain, horribly shy and afraid of being hurt? And they were both sitting there waiting for an answer. I just said I hadn't met anyone. Then she asked me what happened to my last boy friend so I told her about how Kendal had left me for someone else. Then she asked me how long it had been. G_d I didn't want to answer. I just knew they would think it was pathetic. It is pathetic. But I didn't think she would make such a big deal of it! She kept saying "Fourteen years?!" like it was the most unbelievable thing she had ever heard and making me feel about two inches tall. "Fourteen years? I hope you have gotten laid since then!" she said sort of as a joke. I started to lie but I didn't know if I could be convincing and just that moment of hesitation and she said "You haven't, have you?" Well that was already enough and I was hating myself that I had gone and then she said that it was no wonder I use my vibrator so much! Oh my G_d, I wanted to die right there. I wanted to run away. Or crawl under the table. Anything so I wouldn't have to sit there with them looking at me blush! It was bad enough that she said it, but in front of Ryan! I mean, I had thought about it, but I really didn't think they could hear! And I was stuck there. We had only just started dinner and I sure couldn't eat. I couldn't look at either of them either so I just sat looking at my plate.

And she just kept talking. Making it worse. She said they had figured out that was what made their tv go funny. And that they could hear it at night. Like she should talk about making noise! And then asked if I have a name for it!

Oh G_d, I still can't believe she asked that. I felt like a trapped animal. The room was suddenly about a thousand degrees and my ears were ringing so bad I couldn't hear and I was shaking. I felt like a bad little girl sitting in front of Mommy and Daddy. I looked up at Ryan, I think hoping he would save me, but he was smiling at me his eyes laughing while I squirmed. I wanted to just get up and leave but I thought that would make me look even more stupid. I mean, the fact was they are right, it is pathetic that I have not had a date since first year university and it is pathetic that I have named my vibrator after the only boyfriend I have ever had. But they have no right to laugh about it. Or maybe they do. Maybe anyone would if they knew. About Kendal, I mean. But it doesn't make it very nice. She even joked about borrowing it. Oh yeah, and after she joked about me having a name for it I guess she could tell from my reaction and she said "Holy shit, you DO have a name for it, don't you?" and start laughing at me and said that if she had used a vibrator for 14 years she would probably have a name for it too. It was cruel. She could see perfectly well how uncomfortable I was but she just kept on and on. Even when she started talking about something else she still made fun of me, saying no desert for me until I had finished my dinner. Like I was the least bit hungry. I felt like throwing up. But they had both finished and she acted like she really expected me to finish my spaghetti so I sat eating alone while they watched and she talked. She never stops talking. I really felt like a bad kid. I don't know how I got through the whole thing without crying. I sure am crying now though. I am bawling my eyes out. The page is wet and I can still hear them screwing next door.

Sun, Mar 5, 00

They are driving me crazy! They were making so much noise this morning that I couldn't stand it and went to visit Mom and Dad and now I just got home and lay down for a good cry and they have just started again! I suppose I could go into the living room, but I have a right to be in my own bedroom, darn it!

I think he is going down on her. She talks different when he does that. I wonder what that feels like. She makes it sound awesome, but then she makes everything sound awesome.

Damnit, I am not going to listen. I am just going to write in my journal and to hell with them.

I felt miserable all day. I couldn't get to sleep for a long time last night cause I was too upset. Normally I would have used Kendal to feel better but now she has ruined that for me. About 2:30 I was just so desperate I even tried using my wrist but that only got me more and more frustrated until I was crying while I was doing it.

Okay, you bitch! I think the whole neighbourhood knows that "it feels so fucking good when he licks your c---". Just shut up! Nobody cares! It is SO fake. I mean, nothing could feel THAT good. Could it? I can't even believe he does that for her. Its gross. Its different giving a bj. I mean, that is a little gross, but not like putting your tongue in there. Ewww.

Where was I? I thought about last night all day over and over. She had no right. I can't believe that after what she did to me last night she still had the nerve to stop me on my way in and ask me if I was going to make her tea. I told her I didn't feel like it. She said she was sorry if she had upset me yesterday. Yeah, I'll bet she's sorry. If she is so sorry then why did she do it? "Oh gee, I thought you wanted me to completely humiliate you in front of my husband". I hate her. She has even ruined the wall for me because I hate her so much. He is fucking her now and all it is making me is angry. She keeps telling him how good it feels to have his huge cock inside her, over and over and over. I think she knows I am listening and is trying to make me jealous. If that's what she wanted I guess it worked, cause I am jealous. I am jealous and angry and I feel like a total loser.

Damn it. I can't. I don't want to get excited but I can't help it. I just found myself playing with myself for the second time. You are so stupid. Just leave. But I can't. She wants me to. I can hear it. But I won't. I certainly am not going

Oh, I think he is coming. Yeah, that was it. It sure stops quick after he comes. Great, now I am wide awake and can't use Kendal. I guess that is stupid since they don't care what I can hear but it just seems more embarrassing that I am doing it alone. Like she is a winner because she has him to fuck her and I am a loser because I have to do it myself.

Yeah, well if the shoe fits, Marilyn.

Oh I don't know. It was just too much. And I don't like it in front of Ryan. I like it when it is just the two of us. Its like it's not real if no one else sees it or something. But one things for sure, I don't think I want to go down there anymore. I don't even know how I can face them. I think I may have to move.

Mon, Mar 6, 00

I was awake until 2:00 last night. I tried with my finger but that is just so gross. I used my wrist for a while which makes me feel like when I was little, but it just made it worse so I finally ended up going in the living room and using Kendal under my duvet so I think they couldn't hear. G_d, I feel so stupid hiding it like this but its better then having them know every time I do it.

Felt depressed all day again today.

Maybe I think I will go to a movie later.

The thing is everything they were saying is true, I just don't like people knowing about it or saying it. I know I am a loser with a boring life, but I don't need strangers laughing about it. I don't want to think about it. But it is like they have made me look at how pathetic my life is. When I got home tonight I had a total meltdown because I wanted to use Kendal like I always used to. G_d I so looked forward to that all day when I am stressed. Its the only way I can enjoy my evening is to have that quick release and just let all the stress go. It was just part of my routine and I hate when I can't do my routine. I ended up doing it in the living room under the duvet any way but instead of relaxing me it just made me mad cause I have to hide.

___

She just came up and asked if I would come down for tea. I told her I didn't think it was a good idea. She said again that she was really sorry she had upset me and that she promised she would be nice and that Ryan would not be home until 9:30 so it would just be the two of us and she really missed our "little tea parties" and she just kept asking until I said 'yes' and went down with her wondering who was going to make it. She asked me if I "would mind" while she went to check on Alyssa. Nice of her to ask, but I still ended up making the tea. I even put two cups on the tray, but by the time the tea was ready I decided to put one back and went out to be her servant. I like being her servant. I know I felt happy while I was rubbing her feet that we hadn't lost that. I even snuck a few little peaks up her skirt. hee hee. I couldn't see much but it gets her back for being so mean.

Went to see American Beauty just because it has so many Oscar nominations. Everybody has been raving about it but I just thought it was okay. It seemed kind of pointless. Maybe I was just not in the mood.

Now its 11:45, I am not at all tired and I need to get to sleep and I can't use Kendal in my own bed because the neighbours might hear and make fun of me. Grrrr. I guess its out to the stupid living room.

Tue, Mar 7, 00

If she had any idea of the stupid things I do she would laugh so hard. I must have stood in the hall way for five minutes and started to come back up stairs I don't know how many times. She never said "See you tomorrow" yesterday, so was I supposed to go down? I knew I was, and I even wanted to, but it is so hard when she hasn't told me to. It is a lot easier to do what I am told then to just go. Anyway, when I finally made myself knock she was very nice so maybe she learned that I won't put up with her being really mean like on Saturday.

When I was rubbing her feet she asked me why I like doing it and I didn't know what to tell her. I don't know why I like it, I just do. I couldn't very well tell her that it makes me feel pathetic and that that turns me on. I just said I didn't know. Then she asked me if I was a "lezbo". I told her "no" and I really don't think I am. I was actually thinking about that a couple of days ago, I guess after I thought he was going down on her, and the more I thought about it the more I thought that if I was lesbian I would want to do that, and I certainly don't. I mean, I think about it sometimes when I am using Kendal and need something gross to think about, but always about being forced to do it. I don't ever WANT to. I think it is because I find it so gross that the idea of being forced to turns me on.

Well I certainly wasn't gong to tell her THAT so I just told her I wasn't and that I thought it was really gross. She said that was good because she wouldn't want a lezbo touching her. I am glad I am not.

Anyway, then she asked if I just "get off" on doing nice things for her. Well that is basically it, so I shrugged and said "yes". And she leaned forward and patted me on the head and said "Good girl"! Like a child or a dog! It was like this electric shiver went through me. It made me very aware of the way I kneel at her feet and I felt embarrassed the way she treats me, but I was also felt REALLY happy that I had pleased her. I mean REALLY happy. It seems silly how happy such a little thing made me, but it did. I also got that tight excited feeling in my stomach that I get when I am getting turned on from being made fun of.

Then, instead of taking her hand away, she grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled me toward her so I was off balance, tipping my head back so I had to look up at her! Oh my G_d! I got so turned on/excited/embarrassed I think I was shaking. There was something so perfect about it that I wanted to cry. It was a totally frightening wonderful feeling that she could have asked anything of me right then and I would have done it. After a few moments of looking down at me, smirking, she said, "Well, I guess I will just have to find more nice things for you to do for me. Won't I?" She seemed to want me to answer but there was no way I could talk. I was so excited I could barely breathe, so I just nodded. Then she put me back down and patted my head again and told me I was a good girl again and I started crying. I don't know why. It certainly wasn't because I was sad. I guess just emotional release. That just made her pet my head more which felt so good that I just cried more. It felt so good to be bawling like a little girl while she patted me like one, but after a while I just had to get out of there so I told her I had to go and sort of ran out.

She asked me to babysit for her Friday night. Oh well, I didn't have plans anyway.

Wed, Mar 8, 00

Trish wants me to stop going to Margaret. She likes her tea earlier. And the thing is, I am starting to think I am wasting my time and money anyway. We spent the whole time talking about stupid stuff and she has no idea that last night I was crying from happiness because my landlady had me on my knees pulling my hair. But I have been going to Margaret for so long it would be weird to not have her to talk to. Plus how would I tell her?

She was playing with Alyssa while I was doing her feet and her skirt got all bunched up so I could totally see her panties and her thighs were spread a little. I don't know why I want to look, but I do. I think it is just because I know I shouldn't. Especially after last night. I tipped my head so she could not see my eyes and just stared at it. It makes me totally grossed out but I kept looking. It made me feel so perverted and dirty. Why does that turn me on so much. Part of it is cause I kept picturing how disgusted she would be with me if she knew.

Thu, Mar 9, 00

Ryan answered and I didn't want to make tea with him there so I didn't know what to do. So I just told him I thought he would be working and did not want to intrude and to tell Trish I had come down. I wish he worked regular

Some one is coming upstairs. I think its her.

___

Oh G_d, I have to be more careful. She came up to see if I would make tea for her up here and the first thing she says is "what are you doing" like it is any of her business. I told her "writing" and she just walked into my apartment asking if I would make her tea and when she saw my book she asked what I was writing. I should have told her it was none of her damned business but I just said "my journal" and I think I almost ran to grab it so she couldn't. I think I would have just died if she had read any of this. I am going to have to make sure I put it away from now on. I hope it did not look too obvious the way I grabbed it and went and put it in my bedroom. I think it may have looked like I had something to hide. Which I do, but I don't want her to know that. Then while I was putting it away she laughed and said "it can't be a very exciting journal" OH! How dare she! I was just so mad I wanted to scream. So much for her being nice to me. I guess she can only manage to be nice for 3 days! I almost said something when I came back but I just wanted to get off the topic of my journal so I didn't dare. But I was still mad so I just made her her damned tea and made her ask me to rub her feet and I didn't do a very good job, either.