The Outsider Ch. 08

Mike was quiet, because he wasn't sure how to react to Ruthie's last statement. Another overly strong opinion, to say the least. He paused, but finally he replied:

"I'm not so sure that I agree with you on that. If your life sucks, then you need to try to fix it. Either fix what's wrong in your life or fix what's wrong with the system."

Ruthie rolled her eyes.

"Fix what's wrong in the system? And just how are you gonna fix what's wrong in the system?"

"You at least have to try..."

"Why? Why do you at least have to try? No one's gonna give a shit whether you try or not. Mike, you've gotta understand that a lot of people's lives suck and they suck for things they can't help. If you're ugly, you can't fix that. If you're a psycho, you can't fix that. If you're a meth-head, chances are you can't fix that. If you're job's been outsourced and you know that you're gonna be unemployed the rest of your life, you can't fix that. I mean...look at all the people that Mega-Mart's put out of work. How many of them do you think will ever get decent jobs again? How many? Their lives are gonna suck. So what's the point of them staying alive?"

Mike cut her short.

"Ruthie, my dad was put out of work by Mega-Mart! I really don't appreciate you saying he'd be better off dead!"

Ruthie turned pale. She tried to correct herself.

"I...I mean he's got something else to live for...you guys...family...but...there's a lot of people...that don't have that. Todd...I mean...I don't think he had anything else going on in his life...that's all I was trying to say."

For a moment they sat silent. She began fidgeting and looked down at the table.

"I'm sorry about your dad...I really didn't mean to..."

Mike took a deep breath. "Look...I understand that's not what you meant. But...just to let you know...you need to watch how you say things to other people..."

Ruthie blushed and tears welled up in her eyes. Mike came to her rescue by suggesting they go outside. As they put up their trays and made their way towards the door, he wondered about her unusual position on suicide: that if a person was unhappy, killing himself was the logical thing to do. It was a rather hopeless view of life, but as was normal for her, she was being recklessly honest with expressing how she felt about an important issue that has vexed people throughout recorded history. At first he had thought about changing the subject, but he was curious to find out more about her unusual take on committing suicide. He also calculated that if he let her talk some more, it would set her at ease about the slip she had made at the dining table.

He pointed towards a hill at the edge of campus, where there was a walkway and an observatory. The observatory was closed to anyone who was not an astronomy major, but the path underneath offered a view of the university on one side and the Pacific Ocean on the other. The observatory itself blocked the light coming from campus, so the only man-made lights visible were the string of distant headlights from cars driving along Highway 1. As they looked out over the coast and the distant Pacific Ocean, the two students were able to set aside their uncomfortable moment at the dinner table. Still, Mike was curious about Ruthie's opinions about suicide and how she formed them. She responded:

"I don't know...from a lot of places I guess. I've thought about it...'cause I've had a sucky life...ever since I left Nebraska...and even before I left...and I've often wondered what's the point of living. Of course my mom keeps telling me that the point of living is to glorify God...but I think you know how I feel about glorifying God. So...I've done a lot of reading...history and on the Internet. You know...a lot of societies didn't have the same ideas about suicide that we do. The Japanese...if they screw up, it's what's expected of them, or at least it used to be. Killing yourself was honorable. In ancient Rome people killed themselves all the time, if they thought they were going to be humiliated or if they were gonna be arrested. In a lot of cases in Rome, if a person was about to be arrested, the guards even gave them to chance to kill themselves to save their honor and avoid getting tortured. I found that fascinating...and a lot better than the 'culture of life' that we have here in this country. If you screwed up or your life sucked, then there was a way out and there was nothing wrong with taking it."

Mike smiled slightly. "I don't think that's ever gonna happen here."

"Of course it's not. They've got us brainwashed with this 'culture of life' crap. No matter how much your life sucks, you owe it to God or your relatives or whoever to stay alive. I guess the point is that I strongly believe that if a person wants to kill themselves, that's their right. The government has no right to try to force someone to stay alive if that isn't what they want. The truth is that a lot of people's lives suck and there's nothing anyone can do about that."

Mike considered what his friend was saying. Her opinion certainly was different from anything he had ever heard, but he was surprised that he did not find it repulsive in the least. She was forcing him to look at a life and death matter from an entirely new perspective. As brutal as it may have sounded at first glance, what she said actually made a lot of sense.

For a while they stood in silence, looking out over the ocean and the steady stream of headlights going up and down the highway. Mike continued to ponder what Ruthie had said to him, wondering what painful event in her past might have pushed her to be so accepting of suicide. He also wondered if she had seriously considered committing suicide herself. He knew that she must have; otherwise she would not have given the issue so much thought. Then, his own training in political analysis kicked in, and he thought about her comment "they've got us brainwashed with this 'culture of life' crap." That most certainly was true, but why? Why would the government force a person to live out an existence that he doesn't want? Mike's cynical view of politics and economic interests prompted him to throw out an idea:

"I suppose the whole thing with the government and the authorities comes down to a vested interest in keeping people active in the economy. If a lot of people started thinking..."my life sucks, and I'm checking out" then who would be available to work in all the Mega-Burgers? Who would be around to pick artichokes? Who would be around to serve coffee? Who would be spending their money on Chinese imports at Mega-Mart? So the rich guys have this huge incentive to suppress any thought of suicide as a personal choice...I think that's the answer to your question. Just like everything else in this country, it really comes down to money. If you're dead, they can't make any money off you."

"There's that whole money thing, but I think there's more...the big argument that I've seen on the Internet is that suicide is selfish, that it hurts those around you so you have no right to do it. It's this idea that you have stay alive to serve everyone else and you can't do what you want. I mean...I know my mom would be really messed up if I ever tried anything, and that's the type of argument they're using...that and the whole thing about pissing off God. And...it's a challenge to the Christian world-view; if you're not alive you can't serve God. They argue that life is so precious, and folks need to be encouraged not to leave prematurely. But I argue back, what's the point of living if the life I want is denied to me and all I get is the crumbs left over by the rich? It's up to society to make life worth living. The government needs to stop doing shit for all the rich people and start worrying about making life worthwhile for the rest of us. You look at all the stuff the rich are doing to us, taking away our health insurance, taking away our scholarships, suing us when we try to download music, passing all these morality laws so I can't do something as simple as take off my dress if I'm hot...and then they wonder why some of us can't stand the world they have created..."

"And that's my point, Ruthie. It all comes down to money. You just said it yourself."

Suddenly Mike's heart skipped a beat as he remembered her phrase "...passing all these morality laws so I can't do something as simple as take off my dress if I'm hot..." Interesting that she would say that, especially considering how she normally dressed...

They realized that several hours had passed and that it was getting late. Ruthie was trembling because she had nothing to protect her body from the chilly wind except for shorts and a very flimsy shirt. Even in the dark, Mike could see that her bare arms were covered with goose-bumps. She had not given him any indication that she wanted to go back to the dorm area, but it was clear that she was very uncomfortable perched on that hillside with the wind hitting her exposed skin. Mike realized that if he wanted, he had an opportunity to get closer to her. He did have some doubts, because there was no question that Ruthie's lack of social skills might cause him some embarrassment from time to time. She was morose and obviously prone to depression. However, the evening's conversation had proven that he really could talk to her about any deep or thoughtful topic. He felt that he needed that in his life, and her openness about "deeper issues" far outweighed whatever faults she might have. On top of everything else she was very attractive, with her large dark eyes, petite figure, and perfect olive skin. She was timid and yet at the same time was not in the least prudish about her body. That detail Mike found very desirable about her. He wanted her.

"Ruthie, I'm kinda worried about you. You look cold standing there in the wind like that."

She nodded.

"Why don't you let me put my arms around you, so you can warm up a bit?"

She nodded again and allowed him to wrap his arms around her stomach. She pressed her back against his chest and immediately stopped shivering. For a long time they stood quietly, watching the fog build over the Pacific Ocean and the line of headlights along the highway thin out.

Mike didn't know what to do next. Ruthie was only the second woman he had ever held in his arms, so he was not sure how to proceed with her. Up until that moment, his entire experience with the opposite sex consisted of the time he had spent with Lisa, and he knew that experience was irrelevant because Lisa and Ruthie were so different from each other. He wanted to kiss her, but had no idea whether or not she would go for that. In the end he decided not to take the risk, opting to err on the side of caution. It was fortunate that he decided to wait, because had he tried to kiss her at that moment she would have become very nervous and the mood of the evening would have been spoiled.

Finally they realized that it was time to return to their dorms and get ready for the next day, which included the infamous English literature course. They headed back. Mike decided that there was at least one thing he wanted to change.

"Tomorrow...in lit class...I'd kinda like to sit with you...if that's OK..."

Ruthie glanced up at him, smiled slightly, and nodded.