The Outsider Ch. 17

The change was not fast enough or drastic enough for Mike to worry too much, but he did notice his girlfriend spending less time with him now that Shannon no longer was forcing her into his arms. The nights of her sleeping over came to an end, although in the evenings she still visited to work on her term papers and surf the Internet.

As the first week following Thanksgiving passed, Ruthie's mind adapted to the reality that she had a lot more privacy. Not only did she have a room to herself, it also turned out that only two other rooms on the 5th floor were occupied, by graduate students who very rarely were in the hall. Besides the bathrooms, the only other room on the floor was a conference room that always was locked. Very quickly she got used to walking naked in the hallway when she wanted to go to the bathroom. Only once did one of the graduate students run into her. She blushed and apologized, but the guy simply smiled at her and commented:

"Cute outfit."

She took that to mean that he didn't mind seeing her.

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On Wednesday Ruthie returned to the counseling office. Two weeks had gone by since she had seen Dr. Hartman, which meant that she had a lot to tell her. The counselor was relieved to know that her client had safely extricated herself from her situation with Shannon, and that as a result she was less dependent on Mike.

Obviously the main focus of the conversation was the Mega-Mart stampede and Ruthie's conflicting feelings about what had happened. There was a lot more that Ruthie wanted to talk about: the memories that going back to her room had brought back, the situations of her cousins Rosa, Gerardo, and Alex, and just how alienated she felt from the town where her family lived. Her four days in Salinas did nothing to make her feel any more at home there.

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There were only two weeks remaining in the semester of regular classes and another week of finals. Mike and Ruthie spent most of there time preparing term papers and studying for tests, apart from the hours they spent at their jobs. They ate together and sometimes went to the Student Center, but their trips to places like the beaches or Santa Cruz had to be suspended because neither had any time. They were fortunate, however, that they did not have to worry about being lonely, because they did have each other.

Mike expected the spring semester to not be much different from the fall semester, given that his father's mortgages were paying his tuition and his job was paying for his living expenses. However, Ruthie lived in constant fear...worrying about the latest bad news coming out of Sacramento. Coming into the university, she knew that the grants she had received were precarious, something Mike's father had mentioned as well. She had not given much thought about the spring semester, thinking that whatever budget cuts that would end her aid would not be announced until the summer.

On the final day of classes, Ruthie's life was disrupted by a thick envelope that had been sent to her from Nebraska. The return address read:

Jake Burns 388 Stockman Trail Lincoln, Nebraska

Ruthie's hands trembled as she opened the envelope. It was the first time she had any contact with her father in six years.

The envelope contained several items. The first thing Ruthie pulled out was an opened letter from the California Department of Education. The letter had been addressed to her home in Salinas and was dated October 22, but it was the very first time Ruthie had seen it. Strange...why would she be getting it from her father and not simply have it forwarded by her mother? Ruthie read:

Ms. Burns:

We regret to inform you that due to the financial crisis that continues to restrict funding for higher education, the Salinas Valley Scholarship Program has been suspended and tuition assistance for the program's participants will terminated as of January 1 of the upcoming year.

Our records show that your participation in the Salinas Valley Scholarship Program for the current academic year is as follows:

Fall semester: tuition = $ 5,773.34 Fall semester: books = $ 300.00

Spring semester: tuition = $ 0.00 Spring semester: books = $ 200.00

During the spring semester you will need to make alternative arrangements to finance your tuition expenses to attend classes at Davenport State University.

The California Department of Education regrets any disruption this action might have on your academic career, but the ongoing loss of tax revenue has forced the California State Legislature to severely reduce spending on all state programs, including higher education and grants for students.

Ruthie was left breathless. She felt nauseous and was very close to throwing up. She dug in the package and pulled out a second envelope that was blank, except her name. The envelope contained a check for $ 5,773.34 signed by her father. The check was wrapped in a letter that read:

Ruthie:

It's been a while since we talked. I know you're still mad at me, and you have your reasons. I'm hoping I can make it up to you.

I tried to get in touch with you a couple of months ago, but you were in Davenport. Your mom and me talked, and she sent me this letter from the university and asked me to help you, so that's what I'm doing. Hopefully this check will fix your problem.

I want to see you, and have you come back to Lincoln to visit for a few days. Debra is gone from my life, so you don't have any reason to stay away. I've sent you a plane ticket. If the dates don't work for you, you can change them, but I do want to see you. I talked to your mom about it, and she said she understands and will let you come out.

Dad

The package also contained a round-trip airplane ticket from San Jose to Lincoln and back. The dates were for December 26 through January 2. Ruthie calculated that timeframe was doable, given that she would not have to skip Christmas in Salinas. The final item in that package was a picture of her father, her grandmother, and Ruthie when she was ten. Her hands were still trembling as she looked at the photo. She remembered it had been taken just a couple of months before her grandmother really got sick.

Ruthie laid out everything that her father had sent her on the room's spare bed. She wasn't sure how to react. Her heart filled with resentment, because she really did not want to see her father again, but her situation gave her no choice. She'd have to accept the check, deposit it, and use it to pay the university. She had to continue with her studies, because her only alternative was to return to Salinas and sit in her room doing nothing. Her father knew that. He knew that there was one way he could force her to see him, and that was by giving her the money she needed to stay in college.

Ruthie's thoughts drifted to her mother. She realized that perhaps Doña Lisette knew her better than she realized; which was why she forwarded the scholarship cancellation letter to her ex-husband instead of to her daughter. There was nothing Ruthie could have done about her scholarship, but there was something Jake could do about it. OK Jake...you want to see Ruthie so bad? Then you fix this problem for her.

Ruthie knew how hard all of this must have been for her mother. Over the years the girl heard enough hints to understand that Jake and his family had treated her badly during her stay in Nebraska. To keep Ruthie in college and out of Salinas, Doña Lisette had to sacrifice her own pride and ask her ex-husband for a favor. Ruthie knew her mother well enough to know asking her father for help was a huge humiliation, but one she was willing to accept for her daughter's sake.

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The only thing Ruthie could think of was to call Mike and ask him to come over. Mike, who had not yet seen his girlfriend's new room, was more than happy to oblige. When he knocked, she simply told him to come in. She was sitting quietly on her bed, wearing nothing but one of her Mega-Town t-shirts, staring blankly at the papers in front of her. Mike looked at her and then at the papers. She nodded for him to examine them.

"I...I don't know what to think of all this...I...guess it kinda sucks..."

"This check's supposed to pay for your spring tuition?"

Ruthie nodded.

"I mean...you ought to be relieved. It's great that your dad's gonna pay..."

Ruthie nodded again.

Mike, only vaguely aware of the bad memories and emotional turmoil swirling through Ruthie's brain, was worried about the check more than anything else...getting it cashed and turning the money over to the university so she could stay enrolled. He nagged at her to get up, put on her shorts, and go to the campus bank before it closed. She listlessly complied, following him first to the campus bank branch to get a cashier's check, then to the registration office to turn the funds over to the university. He was hugely relieved when the clerk handed Ruthie a receipt stating that she was paid up for the spring semester, but she seemed indifferent about it.

"Now I'm stuck having to see him." Ruthie mumbled.

"Your dad?"

"Yeah." She paused. Without looking up, she continued: "I kinda was hoping I wouldn't have to see him again."

"Well...I mean...was what he did to you really that bad? I mean...did he do something he shouldn't have done to you?"

Ruthie realized what Mike was getting at. "No...nothing like that...I mean...what happened was that he kicked me out. Just kicked me out. He stuck me on a plane and told me to get the hell out of Nebraska and never come back. I was 12...and I was kinda fucked up anyway...and me getting kicked out like that fucked me up even more..."

"So...why'd he kick you out?"

Ruthie took a deep breath and decided to start the story at the beginning.

"You know that my parents split up when I was three..." (actually, Mike did not know that, but he nodded) "My mom had to come back here to California 'cause she couldn't get a job in Nebraska and there was nothing for her to do. So she just up and left and came here. I'm not sure why she left me behind with my dad...she never explained that to me and I've been afraid to ask. But anyhow...it was my dad's mom who raised me...kinda like she was my mom...She was really nice to me...I had a lot of fun...you know...when I was a little kid...and I didn't see all that much of my dad...'cause he was always going out with his friends...out on his bike...stuff like that...so I was always with my grandma...and she was the one who did stuff like take me to school..."

"Anyhow...when I was nine...my grandma started getting sick...you know...with cancer...and she kept going in and out of the hospital. It was not bad for a year...but then she really got bad...she'd be like...crying...because she knew she wasn't gonna be around much longer and later on I realized she was worried about me 'cause she knew my dad wouldn't bother to take care of me...and she was right, 'cause he didn't."

"It sucked...really sucked, what happened to her...what those fucking doctors did to her just so they could clean out her insurance. They kept cutting stuff off of her...her tits, stuff out of her stomach, a foot, and then one of her arms...it was like watching a horror movie, but it was real. I hate doctors 'cause of what they did to Grandma. I hate 'em all...fucking money suckers. I mean...it got so bad...watching her...that I knew she'd be better off dead...I'd go to the hospital...and we'd talk...and I'd see her with all that shit sticking out of her..."

Ruthie looked up at Mike, remembering his father's efforts to show them around the neighborhood. A very strange thing happened at that moment...Mike imagined that Ruthie looked much older than her real age...that somehow her past had caught up with her...making it very easy for him to imagine what she would look like forty years into the future. She looked away and continued her story:

"My grandma tried to talk to me as much as she could towards the end. She wanted to tell me all the stuff she had been planning to tell me when I was gonna be in high school...everything...but she wanted me to know what her life was like when she was my age. She always was saying 'you gotta remember what I'm telling you...because if you forget, then it's gone...you're the only one who knows...' And she'd talk...and she talked so good that I could picture myself being with her...a long time ago..."

"After I turned eleven she started getting worse and worse...and then she got all crazy and I couldn't talk to her anymore. Well, sometimes I could...she'd suddenly get sane for a few minutes and would ask for me...and then she'd talk...and then go crazy again...so I stayed at the hospital as much as I could...so I'd be there when she wanted to talk...Those fucking doctors kept cutting stuff out of her...keeping her going...and she wanted to die...but they wouldn't let her. The last month there wasn't anything left of her...but I still kept going to her room...hoping that she'd say something more. She did a couple of times...but then she went into a coma...and I wanted her to die or get better...and finally she did die...She was dead...in the middle of the night, and I held her hand...and it was all cold and almost didn't weigh anything."

It was dark by the time Ruthie finished that part of her story, which was lucky because tears were flowing down her face.

"You gotta understand that she was the only person who really loved me...and could show it. I mean...my mom tries...but for her it's hard...to express herself if she's not talking about her Jesus shit...and I've never been able to relate to her..."

"So your dad kicked you out when your grandma died?"

"No...not exactly. But I was totally pissy after the funeral and I sorta blamed him for not being around when she was in the hospital and that got him mad at me. What I didn't know, until Grandma was dead, was that he had been going out and was getting ready to get married to Debra and I was gonna have to deal with having a step-mom...and she didn't like me at all. I didn't want my dad to get married, 'cause I was scared of having to live with an adult I wouldn't get along with...and Debra didn't make things any easier when she kept saying things to him like 'that kid needs quality time with the belt', and she'd say it so I'd hear and then look at me...and on top of everything else she had another kid from another marriage...and the thought of living with not just her, but her son...so finally I told my dad that he shouldn't get married to that bitch, and I said it like that...I called her a bitch. We had some fights about it, and then I tried running away...but I didn't get very far. I went to a friend's house and her dad found me there and brought me back. Finally I said that if he wanted to get married, I'd just go look for my mom in Salinas...and that was a dumb thing for me to say, 'cause it gave him the idea of how to get rid of me. He didn't say anything, but two days later he came up to my room and threw a suitcase on my bed. 'Pack your shit. You've got an hour to get ready and then I'm taking you to the airport.' I was like: 'what?' So he told me...'you wanna live with your mom? Great. You're gonna go live with her.' I thought he was kidding, but he wasn't. He was totally pissed at me. When the hour went by and I still hadn't packed, he just emptied a couple of drawers of my clothes into the suitcase and told me to get in the car. He gave me this lecture saying he wasn't gonna take shit from a 12-year old spoiled brat and that since I wanted to give him attitude I could 'go live with the Mexicans', as he put it."

Mike was floored that Ruthie's father could have done that to her. But, as she pointed out, her dad was in love and love makes a person do strange things, even if it involves hurting family members. She noted:

"There was this one woman I heard about...a long time ago...she drowned her two kids in a car just 'cause her new boyfriend didn't like kids...two little kids...she put them into her car and ran it into a lake...just to make her boyfriend happy."

"Yeah...I think I heard about that."

"So you really think that what my dad did to me was all that weird? I mean...when you think about it...all he did was stick me on a plane."

"Yeah...but even so...to do that to your kid...I couldn't even picture my dad doing that to either of us. I mean...he'd give up his life if he had to...or anything else...to protect us."

Ruthie sniffed back some more tears.

"I guess things were different with my dad...I dunno...I guess I kinda made things hard for him and he couldn't handle it." After a long pause she added: "Anyhow, my mom was glad to see me...I mean like...really glad...talking about how Jesus brought me back to her and all that shit..."

Mike thought about Ruthie's situation...realizing how lucky he had been to have parents that he had.

"So now, after all that...and six years...your dad finally wants to see you? Any idea why?"

"I 'spose he feels bad about what happened between us. He wrote that 'Debra is gone from his life'. I 'spose that means he must have split up with her. Maybe he's guilt-tripped...or maybe just kinda lonely...I don't know..."

They got back to his room. For once she had no desire to go back to her room or to be alone. He sat down in his armchair and Ruthie sat in his lap. She was crying and totally stressed as the unpleasant memories from six and seven years before forced themselves into her thoughts. She had wanted to think that part of her life was over, but clearly it wasn't.

Now she had two things to dread about Christmas: saying goodbye to Rosa and having to deal with her father.