The Pastor's Wife

When I told Morgan about my mother's reaction, she laughed out loud.

"Morgan! You mustn't laugh! My mother's first husband died of a gun shot. She told the police it was a burglar, but they knew it wasn't true."

"Well, at least if she does you'll be well provided for!"

The weeks leading up to Christmas fell into an easy routine. Morgan would help me with the rehearsals on Sunday evenings, and we would meet for coffee or lunch at least once a week. A lot of times after rehearsal, Morgan, Emily and I would stay in the music room together. I would play piano and we would sing children's songs, or hymns that I knew. Sometimes I would play classical music or show tunes. They both loved classical music and would listen raptly while I played. Sometimes during the week when we would meet and Emily didn't have school, the three of us would go to the park together to play or have picnics. Sometimes when we were alone I would unburden myself to Morgan, telling her about the difficulties Daniel and I were having. Through it all, she would listen sympathetically and try to cheer me up. Often, I got the feeling that she didn't think a lot of Daniel, but she never criticized him.

I swear, I never saw a person who worked from home take so much care in their appearance the way she did. She was always immaculately groomed when we met, and even if she was wearing faded jeans she always wore a jacket or sweater that made her look outstanding.

There's no question that I was enjoying her company. It seemed like I lived for our meetings. Morgan had a spark and joy for life that was contagious. Whenever she saw me her whole face would just light up. She was just great to be around. I left our meetings each time, a little more refreshed; a little more healthy, and a little more whole. Morgan's friendship was bringing out the best part of me. I didn't realize it at the time, but she was becoming a piece of me. A stabilizer. A piece that held things together and kept it all from flying apart.

The depression that had been hounding me for most of the year was burning away and I was starting to get some more confidence. I actually went out and bought a new wardrobe, and got my hair done. Of course Daniel threw a fit over the cost, but I just smiled sweetly and told him how wonderful it was that the Lord was so richly blessing us.

Chapter 4

It was around New Year's when I started thinking about the upcoming year. I finally admitted to myself that I wasn't actually in a marriage and that Daniel just didn't have the capacity to change. Our marital counseling sessions had been a total loss, and there was no point in trying them again. I was considering the unthinkable. I was thinking about divorce.

At my next meeting with Morgan, I broached the subject.

"I'm thinking of divorcing Daniel but I'm not sure. Can you tell me about your divorce?"

She paused and looked at me. I'd never known her to hesitate before. She glanced around as though making sure there was no one to overhear. Slowly, she leaned closer.

"I'll tell you, but you must promise to not tell anyone else. Right now, there are only three people that know the truth. You would be the fourth person. Will you promise not to share this with anyone?"

"Of course! You're my best friend. You know I'd never betray you."

"There's one other thing. You're going to find out something about me that very few people know and this may shock you. I'd like to keep that a secret as well. Will you promise?"

"Of course I will. You know I love you as a sister. Nothing can change that."

"OK. Here's the truth about my me and my divorce. I met Craig when I was 22. He fell in love with me. I admired him and thought he was a wonderful man, something I still think today. When he proposed, I saw how loving and gentle he was and was sure that I would grow to love him. We were married in a few months, and in another few months I was pregnant with Emily. Craig is a wonderful man, and I still think the world of him. As terrific as he was, we had some rough spots in our marriage. There were times when we wouldn't or couldn't be there for each other."

"Is that when he slept with your sister?" I asked.

"My sister? I don't, oh - that. Anyhow, we were having a rough spot in our marriage and I started having an affair. It was amazingly dumb of me and I'm ashamed of myself for doing it. Craig didn't deserve what I did to him. In my own defense, I can only say that I was so emotionally lonely that I couldn't help myself. Craig caught my lover and me in bed together. I suppose if it had been anyone besides his sister, we might have patched things up."

I felt my mouth fall open. My eyes must have been as big as saucers. "Then you're" I stopped.

"Yes. I guess I'm at best bisexual, more likely a lesbian. When I met Craig, I knew that I had feelings for women. I tried to lie to myself. To tell myself that this wasn't who I really was. I guess we all do really dumb things, and so far, this has been my dumbest. Of course my dumbest led to my second dumbest which was getting married, and my third dumbest of having an affair with his sister. The only real bright point about the whole thing is Emily."

"I don't know what to say!" Lurid images flashed through my mind, Morgan kissing another woman. Embracing and crushing her lips against the unknown sister. Somewhere deep inside of me, something sat up and took notice. My thoughts were a whirlwind. My stomach tightened, and I was having trouble catching my breath.

"You're shocked. I can see it. Please say you'll still be my friend? I've really come to depend on you and I'd hate to see our friendship hurt." I could see the genuine fear in her face.

"Of course I'm still your friend. That doesn't change. Now, you need to help me think about divorcing Daniel." I grinned.

We talked about what the consequences would be. It was going to be a severe career problem for Daniel and cause a lot of problems in the church. There was no question that I was going to have to leave the church and find a different one. I thought of letting my mother handle the problem, but I didn't want to take the chance she'd get caught. I didn't see myself taking future grandkids to prison to visit her on Sunday afternoons.

As Morgan and I parted, I gave her a warm hug and thanked her. I noticed when we embraced that she was wearing a beautiful perfume.

As I drove home, I had a lot to think about. I wondered what divorcing Daniel was really going to mean to both of us. Because of our positions it was going to be about twice as bad as it would have been for a normal person. All of our friends were from church, and that was going to end for me. In essence, my life would be totally starting over. It was a daunting idea. I clung to the idea that I would still have Morgan as a friend.

Thinking of this started me wondering about Morgan's revelation. The thought that Morgan was a lesbian had just never occurred to me. I had always thought of gay women as rough butches who drank beer and rode motorcycles. She was so beautiful, soft and feminine. Unbidden, pictures of her kissing her sister-in-law sprang up. I wondered how Morgan's zest for life and fun personality would be expressed in a kiss. I wondered what her lips would feel like against mine. No! Stop this line of thought. I snapped myself out of my reverie. Going to the bathroom, I took a scalding hot shower and prepared myself for bed.

At some point, after I was asleep I became aware that Daniel had come in. He'd had a board meeting and was doing hospital visitations afterwards. I checked the clock. It was after 11. From the odor I knew he hadn't taken a shower. I wished he had. I rolled over and forced myself back to sleep.

That night the dreams started.

Morgan and I were walking down the lane together. We were smiling and laughing. It was sunset and it was stunningly pretty. Small puddles on the road showed that it had rained earlier. It was so clear and the sun's setting rays were so intense it gave everything a surreal sharpness and depth. The brilliant green of the trees contrasted sharply with the vivid whites and yellows of the wild flowers. Black and yellow bumble bees were dancing among the flowers. Hummingbirds flitted along. Stopping here and then blurring off to their next meal. Deer were grazing in the field on the other side of the stone wall. As we walked, we swung our joined hands together. We were holding hands. She kissed me tenderly and smiled.

"I told you everything would be all right!"

I had a lot of dreams that week. Sometimes they were unremarkable. Morgan and I were doing some ordinary thing together, but as a couple. Things like picking out carpeting, or buying an oven. In others, things were more powerful.

Morgan and I were having dinner. I recognized the table and china as being ones that I owned. The lighting in the room was subdued and the table was lit by candles. She was beautiful. She was wearing a lovely dress that was cut low enough to show off her gorgeous breasts. We had finished our meal and were sharing a dessert together. Afterwards, we had coffee and finished off the bottle of wine together. I could see her face shining with such adoration when she looked at me. The look that melted me, and turned my heart inside out. The look that told me I was loved beyond measure. I could feel in my soul that I was looking back at her with the same intensity and love.

During the next week, I started seriously wondering about what the Bible said about being homosexual. It was all so confusing to me, and I admit. I'd never really tried to think about the subject for myself. When I met with Morgan again it was at the top of my mind. After we got through catching up with each other about our week, I broached the subject.

"Morgan, I want to understand what you think about being gay and the Bible. I mean, I know you're in Church, and I know what Daniel preaches on the subject. I've tried to think about it, but I just keep getting twisted around. Can you tell me what you believe?"

"Kelly, like you I've given faith a lot of thought. First, I'd like to clear up two misconceptions about being a gay. In this church it's taught that being homosexual is about who you have sex with. It's not really about sex. It's about who you fall in love with. The sex part follows after that. The second thing is that it's not a choice that people make. I didn't choose to be this way. It's how I am. I like who I am, but it's not something I chose. I don't believe that God made me love this way as a temptation for me to overcome."

"What it really comes down to is whether you believe the Bible is the unerring word of God, without any bias or editorializing by the people who wrote it down or translated it. If you search on the net, you'll find a lot of opinions on the subject. Just search for the phraseclobber verses, you'll find tons of information.."

"But I'm sure you've heard Daniel's sermons on this. Why are you still here? Aren't there other churches you'd be more comfortable in?"

"Well, my folks pleaded with me to try it out for 3 months and I said I would. Emily is so happy here that I'm really OK. Since I'm not in a physical relationship with anyone at the moment, I don't have to hide who I am."

That evening, I started my research on theclobber verses. As Morgan had said, there was a wealth of information out there. I had to admit, a lot of the things that I read made a lot of sense to me. I knew that I had never felt comfortable about what others had said were condemnations, and the things I read helped me understand why.

While reading some of the testimonies of women who said they were both Christian and lesbian, I started thinking about my marriage with Daniel. Looking at it in the cold light of day, it seemed to me that my real attraction had been the idea of being involved in his ministry. It was also pretty plain that Daniel had never loved me. He only ever made the most perfunctory efforts to meet my emotional needs. Our sex life was a joke. Before finding out about his infertility, we were only fooling around once a month. After the fertility problem came out, things dropped off even more. We hadn't had sex in over 3 months. Part of me really didn't miss it. I'd read enough in marriage counseling manuals to realize that it was supposed to be way better than it was. Even in this he did the minimal.

No, I was a required accessory to advance Daniel's ministry career. I'm sure it had been said not too subtly that he would not be considered for a position as Senior Pastor until he was married. He had solved the problem in his typically practical fashion by courting and marrying an unsophisticated young woman. I was no more to him than an umbrella or a tie.

As I had these revelations, my tears started to flow. They came silently at first, and then more desperately until my whole body was wracked with great sobs that went on for hours. Finally, when I had exhausted myself, I called my mother.

"Hi momma!" My attempted cheerfulness must have been obvious but she ignored it.

"Well hello dear! What a surprise to hear from you? How are things going?"

After talking about things for a while, I dropped what I thought was the bomb.

"Momma, I'm thinking of divorcing Daniel."

"Well, that's the best news I've heard all week." she chuckled.

"Momma!"

"OK, ok, Kelly, I'm sure this is very difficult for you, so I'll be serious. The truth is that I never liked Daniel, and I don't think he ever treated you a tenth as good as you deserved. I never told you what I thought when you married him, because I didn't think it would help matters."

"I'm sure that a divorce is going to be very difficult for you and I want you to know that no matter what, you're my little girl and I love you."

"Oh, thank you momma. It means so much to me to hear you say that."

We chatted on for a while, when on an impulse I asked:

"Incidentally, how's Taylor doing?" Taylor was my second cousin. She'd caused quite a stir when she announced that she was gay.

"Oh, she and her girlfriend were up two weeks ago for a family reunion. Her girlfriend seems very nice. Some of the family muttered about it, but honestly, if anyone thinks this family won't mutter about something they're crazy. Why do you ask?"

"I don't know. She just crossed my mind I guess. Well, I know its late momma. Thanks for listening."

"Any time dear. And remember, there are always other alternatives to divorce."

"Yes momma. I'll remember that. Good night momma."

"Good night dear".

That night the dreams intensified.

I was preparing for bed. I'd already brushed my teeth and I was standing in front of the mirror brushing my hair. I was wearing a stunning lace babydoll and a pair of matching panties. My hair was shining beautifully, and my face had an easy contented look on it. A look of contentment mingled with anticipation. From behind me, Morgan stepped up and embraced me, cupping my breasts in her hands, and kissing my neck. She was wearing only a pair of panties, and I could feel the warmth of her breasts pressed into my back. I smiled at the reflection in the mirror, thinking how wonderful life was. Then, I turned to face her, pulling her against me. I was hungrily kissing her, longing to devour her, and be devoured by her.

I spent the rest of the week anxiously awaiting my next meeting with Morgan. I had my hair done, and bought a new dress. I could tell from the admiring stares of the male customers that I looked attractive. Well, I guess the word really wasn't attractive but hot. I looked REALLY hot. I spent the time beforehand trying to think of ways to get my courage up. I was so nervous. When I met Morgan, she hugged me closely and gave a low whistle.

"Wow, you look delicious. Do you have another funeral?"

"No, silly, I just thought I'd dress up."

We talked along, and I told her of my decision.

"I've decided I'm going to divorce Daniel. I'm going to tell him after Easter." Easter was 5 weeks away. Easter and Christmas are the two most hectic times of year at church, and I didn't want to make things worse by announcing the divorce right beforehand.

We talked about how things were going to blow up and I gave her my mother's reaction.

Finally, I forced myself to bring up what I really wanted to talk about. I could feel my stomach doing flip-flops. My mouth felt dry, and the coffee just couldn't make it wetter. Hesitantly, I started out:

"When we you first told me you were a lesbian, you said that you weren't involved in a physical relationship then. What did you mean?"

"Well, I'm involved in an emotional relationship with someone. I'm afraid I'm totally head over heels in love with her but I don't know if she feels the same way. I've avoided bring it up because I'm not sure my heart could take it if she didn't feel the same way."

As she said this, she looked directly at me. I could see the nervous anticipation behind her eyes as she was looking for some hint, some sign. I hoped against hope that she was talking about me.

"I love you." I whispered.

"Oh, I love you too." she said.

Suddenly, we were two weeping women hugging each other. We must have caused quite a commotion since about half the people in the coffee shop were looking at us and the barista almost steamed the meat off his thumb.

"Come on," I said, "let's take a walk down to the park There are so many things I want to tell you."

As we walked arm in arm to the park, I told her how much she'd been in my thoughts since our first meeting, and how precious she had become to me.

"Morgan, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want your lips to be the last thing I feel before I fall asleep at night, and your face to be the first thing I see every morning. I want to spend every day with you. I know that with you by me, life will be terrific. I want you and me to grow old together, to love together. I want to be in your arms and have your warm breath on my face be the last thing I feel before I die."

"Of course we will." she smiled. "How soon would you like to move in?"

Her question brought me back to reality. A small lump formed in the back of my throat.

"I can't until the divorce is final. Please, Morgan, I need to feel your lips against mine right now. I want to make love to you right here on this table, in the middle of this park. I love you so much. Please understand that I can't do this until I'm divorced from Daniel."

"I understand. As difficult as it will be, I think you're making the right decision."

That evening I called my mother.

"Hi momma!"

"Well, you're sounding chipper this evening. What's going on?"

"Momma, I've decided to divorce Daniel. I'm going to tell him after Easter."

"Well, I'm not sure congratulations are in order, but I'm glad you've come to a decision and you seem to be OK.

"Oh, momma I am. I'm going to be so happy, I just know it!"

"It sounds like you've already found a replacement."

"No, momma, the last thing in the world I'd want to do is replace Daniel."

Chapter 5

The next 5 weeks flew by in a daze. Morgan and I still met each other, but our conversations had changed to our deepest hopes and dreams. The joys we would share with each other. In between things, I signed a 3 month lease on an apartment, and started setting up bank accounts and credit cards in my name. At last, Easter passed and I broke the news to Daniel.

"Daniel, I've been giving a lot of thought to your ministry. It's clear to me that your ministry is the most important thing in your life."

"Yes, I suppose you are right. My ministry means everything to me."

"I'm glad you can admit that. It's clear to me that your family responsibilities are impeding your ministry. It's also clear to me that you don't love me. I suspect the real reason you married me was because Senior Pastors have to be married."