The Perfect Life for Davey Ch. 04

So one Thursday afternoon, I decided to skip my 2:15 class and go see about a roommate reassignment. Since Tyler kept tabs on me every minute of the day, I could only do this when he thought I was in class. I went to the office of the Director of Resident Life, one Kelly Smeltzer, and asked the receptionist if she was in, and if I could see her. What about? I was asked. "My roommate and I don't get along, and I'd like to request a change." I was told I needed to fill out a request form, and Ms. Smeltzer would review it and contact me. Damn, I thought. I wonder how long that takes.

I filled out the form and left it with the receptionist. Ms. Smeltzer e-mailed me the following Monday, and told me she'd scheduled an appointment for me, for 9:45 AM Wednesday. I thought, Crap. I don't have class then, and Tyler knows it. He would expect me to be in the dorm room. But HE would be in class during that time, so he wouldn't know I wasn't actually there. As long as the meeting was over and I could get back to the room by, say, 10:25, I should be safe.

Kelly Smeltzer called me into her office, from the reception area, at 9:51 Wednesday. She was quite a stunning woman, dressed very smartly in business attire. She had very piercing eyes which made me feel kind of intimidated. I guessed she was in her late 20s. We sat down, and she said, "So David, I read your request. You didn't provide much detail. You just said you're not getting along with your roommate. So... why not? What's going on?"

"Well... um... my roommate, Tyler... um... well, we don't have any common interests. He works out with weights, he plays basketball... you know... he likes to watch sports on TV. I'm not really into any of that. Um... you know, I'm here to learn... I'm here for academics... um... He's an OK student, but... um..."

"OK, so you and Tyler have different interests. Guess what? When I was in school, my roommate and I had different interests. What did you expect? Someone who was exactly like you?"

"Well, no, but... I mean, I understand I can't expect... um..."

"Do you have any brothers and sisters, David?"

"No."

"So you're an only child. Well, you know, one of the things you'll have to learn in college, then, is how to share a room with someone else. Developing relationship skills is just as important as anything else you learn in college."

"I know, but-"

"So let me guess. Tyler has some habits you find annoying."

"Yes!"

"Like what?"

"Well... ummm..." What could I tell her here? That he makes me suck his dick? THAT annoyed me. But I couldn't very well tell her that, or that he makes me stick my tongue in his butthole, or lick his feet. "OK, here's one: He insists we leave the bathroom door open. All the time."

"Why does he want the door open?"

"I don't know, really. He wants us to still be able to talk, I guess? When one of us is in there and the other is out in the room?"

She shrugged. "Well, he sounds friendly, like he wants you two to get to know each other well, and be friends. Is your privacy so important that you can't accommodate this preference of his?"

"Uhhh... well, it's just... I mean... let's say he's... you know... going number two... um..."

"He leaves the door open and talks to you? And the smell comes out into the room?"

"Yes! And... you know, I don't-"

"David, you two are *guys*. I guess you haven't seen very many movies, but you know what? Guys in dorms find taking dumps to be a rich source of entertainment: humor, games, contests, hahaha. Bonding, even. Yeah. 'Hey, check out this one, it's like a foot long!' Hahaha. 'NICE, dude!' And as far as the smell, the more rank it is, the more you two can laugh. *Congratulate* him! Hahaha. Or... if you absolutely can't stand it, then get some air freshener and spray it in the room. This is just not a big deal, David." Her tone was very matter-of-fact and, I thought, a touch hostile.

"Well, but... OK, fine, maybe I can deal with him leaving the door open when he's in there... but... I'd like to have some privacy... you know... when I..."

"But David, if he thinks leaving the door open and talking to you when HE's in there helps you guys bond, then it's kinda rude for you not to return the favor. You see what I mean? How do you think it would make HIM feel for you to shut the door on him?"

I sighed, and decided to try a different complaint. "OK... forget about the door, then. Um... another thing is, He's messy..."

"And you're a neat freak?"

"Um... I don't know if I'm a neat *freak*, but-"

"You like to keep the place straightened up."

"Yes."

"Well, if his stuff is in your way, ask him to pick it up. If he won't, move it out of your way. When you really can't stand stuff lying around, pick it up yourself. Problem solved. You know what? If you just pick it up, and don't complain, or bitch at him, I bet he will appreciate it, and he might even start picking up after himself, to be considerate towards you. But you're gonna need to make an effort here, David. You can't just grumble and complain every time your roommate does something that slightly annoys you.

"You've had 18 years at home as an only child, and never had to worry about this kind of stuff. But now it's time for you to learn how to live with your peers, David. It's time to learn we are all different, we all have different habits, some people are neater, some people are messier, some people are outgoing, some are more reserved, some like sports, some don't, and on and on and on. We can't reassign people every time someone is slightly annoyed by their roommate.

"Try to be Tyler's friend, David. Learn to get along with him. You're not getting a new roommate. Good day."

I sat in my chair, stunned, feeling like I'd just gotten in trouble. I thought to myself, But wait! We've only scratched the surface of this roommate issue! He's made me a total slave! I knew I couldn't really tell her THAT; I doubted anyone would believe it. And those details were so intensely embarrassing for me that I knew I couldn't bring myself to speak of them. Plus, something told me Kelly Smeltzer would advise me to just *refuse* to do things Tyler "commanded" me to do.

But... even without that, there was still more I COULD tell her. What about him expecting me to do his laundry? What about him texting me all the time and keeping tabs on my whereabouts? (Well, on second thought, I probably couldn't bring that up without being asked to show her texts that said things like 'may i go potty now?')

As I thought about these things, I opened my mouth once or twice, false starts to further complaints, which I decided not to voice. Ms. Smeltzer fixed her intimidating stare on me, and finally raised an eyebrow as if to say, "Well? Are you going to leave now?" I slumped my shoulders, and got up to leave. As I got to the door, I said, "Um... thank you for your time."

"And I forgive you for wasting it," she said.

After closing her office door, I checked my phone and saw that Tyler had sent a text about five minutes earlier. It said "where r u?" Quickly I replied and said "in the room".

Arriving back at the room at 10:22, I unlocked the door, walked through it, and stopped in my tracks. There was Tyler, sitting on the futon! His phone lay beside him. I closed the door, and Tyler, his eyes fixed on the TV screen, said, "Put your backpack down right there, and take all your clothes off."

Once I was naked, he said, "My class let out early today. I came back early and found roomie not where he's supposed to be. Mm, mm, mm. Bad roomie. Bad roomie who will have to go a week without cumming now. Where were you?"

"I had to go to an appointment."

"What kind of appointment?"

"Um... I had to go see the Director of Resident Life. She called me in."

"For what?"

"Um... I guess just to ask me how my first semester was going."

"When did she call you?"

"Well, she e-mailed me, actually."

"When?"

"Monday."

"Monday? And gave you an appointment for this morning?"

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me about it?"

"Um... well, I forgot about it until after class today."

"What time was the appointment?"

"9:45."

"Your class lets out at 9:20. You had time to text me and tell me where you were going. You know you can't go anywhere without letting me know."

"Um... I'm sorry... I just... um... felt in a hurry."

"Hmmmm... well, you know... that doesn't explain why you lied to me five minutes ago, and told me you were here in the room, when you were not."

"I know... um... I, uh... I just thought... since I hadn't told you about the appointment... you'd be mad if I told you about it afterward... so..."

"So you figured since I should be in class and not here, you could lie to me and I wouldn't know."

"Yes. I'm sorry."

"Put your clothes back on." As I did so, he went to his desk and looked at his laptop. "Let's see... Director of Resident Life... Kelly Smeltzer... Pantana Hall... Room 156. OK, Davey. Let's go down to Pantana Hall."

When we got there, Tyler went to the receptionist and said, "Hi. I wonder if we could see Ms. Smeltzer. Do you think you could let her know that David has come back, with his roommate Tyler, and if she has just a few minutes, we'd like to talk to her?"

The receptionist called Kelly Smeltzer, and then said, "Go right in."

When we entered, Ms. Smeltzer stood up, walked out from behind her desk, and approached Tyler. "Hiiii. You're Tyler?" She extended her hand.

"Yes, ma'am." Tyler shook her hand.

"Pleasure to meet you."

"Ah, the pleasure's all mine. My goodness, Davey didn't mention what a beautiful woman you are."

"Ahhhh," she pointed at him in a gesture of mock-scolding. "Now, now. Be careful, big boy."

"You must be pretty new in this job, what are you, about 23?"

"Ha! I'm 31, actually."

"Oh my god. I honestly can't believe that. You look so young. You're so fit. You must work out."

"I do, actually, and thank you. Have a seat, boys. What's up?"

"Well," Tyler said. "Davey told me he'd just met with you, to discuss how college life was going so far."

"Um. Yeah, kind of. The subject, specifically, was how you and he were getting along."

"Oh, I see. So do you call all the freshmen in to check in with them on that? Because I haven't yet gotten any e-mail about an appointment like that."

"Well, no, students usually make appointments with us if they have an issue they want to discuss."

Oh, shit, I thought. So Tyler has just caught me in another lie, since I told him *she* initiated our appointment.

"Oh, OK, well, you know, Davey told me about the meeting, and I suggested we both come in so that the three of us could work out any issues. He agreed that that'd be a good idea. So that's why we're here."

Kelly Smeltzer gave a nod of impressed approval, and said, "Well, good. I think that was an excellent suggestion, Tyler, and I commend you, David, for agreeing to it. So Tyler, from your point of view, how are you two getting along?"

"I think we get along great! We spend a lot of time together, and, you know, even though Davey isn't into lifting weights and sports and stuff, he helps me study for tests, and helps me keep the room clean, and stuff like that. He offered to teach me to do laundry. I never did stuff like that at home. So, you know... I like Davey a lot. He's cool."

"I notice you call him Davey. Is that what most people call you, David?"

"No," I said. "I've always gone by David."

"Well, see... Tyler's found a friendly nickname for you. David sounds a little formal, don't you think? Davey is more familiar, something you'd call a buddy."

I found "Davey" belitting, but, OK, whatever.

"I guess from our conversation earlier, David," she continued, "I underestimated the degree to which you really are trying to make it work with your roommate. You didn't tell me you helped Tyler with school work, and offered to teach him how to do laundry. Very nice. Did he teach you to do laundry, Tyler?"

"Well, he ended up just agreeing to do mine and his. It's just easier that way. My mom and girlfriend have always done mine, you know, and picked up after me and stuff. I never really learned any of that."

"Do you have brothers and sisters, Tyler?"

"No."

"Oh, so you're an only child, too. So you and David have that in common."

"Yes."

"Oh, well, see, David? Actually I'll call you Davey. Because, like I said, David is more formal, and you know what, Davey? If there's any problem here at all - which I don't think there is - but if there's ANY problem, it's that you need to learn to loosen up and not be so uptight. Don't you agree, Tyler? Don't you think Davey needs to loosen up a little?"

"Yes," he said. "In fact, I've told him that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I think Davey's great. I like him a lot. But you know what he was doing the first day I met him, the day before classes started? He was sitting at his desk reading the books for his classes - that hadn't even started yet! - and taking notes. Haha. I mean..."

"Oh my god," Ms. Smeltzer said, shaking her head. "That's not normal, Davey."

"I know, right?" said Tyler, and they both continued to laugh at me. I wished the ground would swallow me up.

"Well, Tyler," Ms. Smeltzer continued, "I appreciate the fact that you can accept Davey's personality and habits, and that they are different from yours. I think, so far, you're doing a great job of trying to get along with your roommate. You are an example of how it should be done. Many freshmen have difficulty adjusting to living with someone else for the first time, and most of the challenge is just to accept that any two people are always different. And also, each one has to take responsibility for making it work. If one won't, the other still needs to make an effort. So you've shown the willingness to make that effort regardless of whether Davey will.

"So it's clear to me that Davey just needs a little push from you to learn how to loosen up, and not to be so uptight. So Davey, what I expect from you now, is to accept those little pushes from Tyler. He has already taken the lead to make sure you two get along well, and Tyler, I want you to continue to take the lead. Now, Davey had mentioned to me that you like to keep the bathroom door open?"

"Yeah. You know, I think, why not? It's just us there. We can still talk to each other... you know..." He shrugged.

"Right. That's what I told Davey. It's a male bonding thing. So I'm gonna establish that as a rule. The door stays open all the time."

"I'm cool with that," Tyler replied. Of course he was.

"Good. Now as far as other privacy matters, I know this subject will probably make you uncomfortable, Davey, but in college you need to get used to open talk about certain subjects. Sexuality, for example. You mentioned you have a girlfriend, Tyler? Is she local? Are you from here in Trentstown, or somewhere else?"

"I'm from Keenesburg. My girlfriend's there."

"Oh, wow, Keenesburg. That's pretty far away. How about here? Are you dating anyone here?"

"No."

"OK, how about you, Davey? Do you have a girlfriend?"

"No," I replied.

"I didn't think so. Are you gay, straight, or bi, Davey?"

"Um. I'm straight."

"Do you think Tyler's a nice-lookin' guy?"

"Uh. What?"

"It's a simple question. You say you're straight, and I believe you. But do you think Tyler's a nice-looking guy?"

"Well... um... yeah, he is."

"Good, so you're able to say that. And you're right, he is. He's really fit, he takes good care of himself. He carries himself with confidence. He speaks with confidence. You could learn a lot from him. Oh, and he has a girlfriend, and you don't. That should tell you something, too. So, anyway, back to sexuality. Since neither of you has a girl here, and since you're both young men, obviously you each masturbate. Have you worked out any kind of agreement involving your privacy in that respect?"

"No," said Tyler. "What do you suggest?"

"Well, I am quite certain Davey needs to loosen up when it comes to sex, just like with practically everything else. I want you to help him. Do you watch porn in the room, Tyler?"

"No... I don't really need it. I usually just talk to my girlfriend on the phone."

"Ohhh. I see." Kelly Smeltzer smiled. "OK, so when you masturbate, you're on the phone with her?"

"Yeah."

"Would you be willing to put the phone on speaker and let Davey listen to these conversations?"

"Sure," Tyler shrugged.

"OK, so... I'm going to set some rules here. Rule number one: Tyler, I want you to masturbate with Davey present, and Davey, I want you to watch. Listen to Tyler and his girlfriend while they talk, and pay close attention, and watch Tyler masturbate. Davey, you will not be allowed to also masturbate during these sessions. You will instead focus on what Tyler and his girlfriend are doing. You should also assist them if they desire. So Tyler, if you need a tissue, or... I don't know, need Davey to bring you something. Need him to help you clean up afterward. Or if your girlfriend has something in mind, a way Davey can help. Whatever.

"See, Davey, you're a good student when it comes to academics, and you help Tyler with that stuff. But you need to become a student of sexuality, too, and Tyler can help you with that. So I want you to be just as studious with Tyler's lessons as you are in classes.

"Now, like I said, while you're masturbating, Tyler, Davey is not allowed to touch himself. But when you are finished, if you think Davey has been an attentive enough student, then you can allow him to masturbate as well, under your supervision and direction - still involving your girlfriend if you want, but that's up to you. So, when YOU masturbate, Davey, class is still in session, and Tyler is the teacher. Rule number two is: Davey, you will only masturbate with Tyler's permission. If there is any reason you are not willing to allow it, Tyler, then Davey cannot do it. Now, I know what you're thinking, Davey: How will Tyler know whether I'm playing with myself when he's not around? Well, I have a solution to that problem. When we are done here, you and I will talk alone for a few minutes, Tyler.

"Does all this sound good to you, Tyler?"

"Yes! These are very good rules, I think. Are there other rules you think would be good for us?"

"Well, I think that should do it for now. Like I said, the bathroom door open is a rule. And I'll leave it to you, Tyler, to set whatever other rules you think would be good. And Davey, you will accept them, whatever they are, because like I said, Tyler has shown the ability to take the lead in seeing that you two get along. So... I guess another rule is, Davey, you are never allowed to complain about anything. Not to Tyler, and not to me. Or anyone else, for that matter. Because, quite frankly, Davey, you're a whiner. And you need to learn to accept things that are out of your control.

"Like I said, Tyler, any time Davey complains, or breaks any rules, a good punishment is to withhold masturbation from him. And again, I have a way to ensure that you're able to do that. We'll talk after I dismiss Davey. Davey, what I want you to do, today, is write out a very nice, very long, detailed, handwritten thank-you letter to me, expressing appreciation for all the time I've taken out of my schedule to help you and Tyler adjust to college life, and to living together. It should be at least one entire page, but I would err on the long side, if I were you.

"Then I want you to write another, similar letter to Tyler, thanking him for his friendship, his tolerance of some of your annoying personality traits, and for being so willing to put a lot of energy into making your roommate situation good. You will also express to him your desire to be schooled in the ways of sex, and pledge your complete cooperation for anything he wants to do in this regard, and promise to follow any rules he sets for your roommate arrangment, now and in the future. You're dismissed, Davey."