The Pretender Ch. 06

Daniel lazily stared at the ceiling. It was Tuesday. Monday, he slept most of the day away, due to the pain meds. Heck, even just regular Tylenol made him sleepy, so the codeine really zonked him out. Today, he wasn't in that much pain anymore, so he'd skipped his mid day dose. He wasn't sure what he was going to do the rest of the week either, but he was sure he was going to drive himself nuts without something to do. Resolving to get out of the house today, Daniel carefully rolled out of bed, and took his pajama bottoms off. He stepped into a pair of boxer briefs, and jeans. He was out of coffee anyway, so he figured he might as well go grocery shopping, and that would qualify as his getting out of the house. He cautiously pulled on a tshirt, but he hated how bruised his arm looked. He really didn't want people to ask him what happened, especially since he ran into clients at the grocery store on a pretty regular basis. However, if he wore the sling, it would cover his stitches and bruises so it wouldn't draw as much attention. Then he could lie about what happened if someone asked.

Daniel pushed a cart around the grocery store, trying to decide if he needed anything else. Really, he just wanted coffee and cereal, since he wasn't much of a cook with one arm. As he stood in front of coffee, debating between a dark roast and a medium roast, someone tapped on his shoulder.

"Daniel is it?"

Daniel recognized the man after a moment, realizing it was Ben's dad, Hugh.

"Pastor Hugh, right? Yes I'm Daniel."

"I thought I noticed you over here, and unfortunately the sling was the give-away. Ben told me what had happened."

"Bit of bad luck at work."

Hugh nodded.

"Did Michael tell you I'm supposed to call you?" Daniel asked.

"He mentioned you might. He wasn't sure if you would."

"I think I should, at least once I guess. When are you available? I have the rest of the week off." He motioned to his arm.

"Well, actually I have time this afternoon; do you want to swing by the church?"

"Sure. About 2? That will give me some time to drop off my groceries and drive out there."

"Perfect. I will see you then."

Daniel was a bit nervous to see how this counseling would go, but not as nervous as he was when he first step foot in this church. And if it went half as well as last time he was here, he was in good shape. Hugh was arranging some flowers at the back of the pulpit.

"Hi Hugh!" Daniel called out, to prevent startling the man.

"Daniel! I'm glad you came. Come with me to my office."

Daniel followed Hugh down a narrow hallway into a cozy office. It almost resembled a physiatrist's office, with a desk, a chair and a long couch.

"Please, have a seat." Hugh gestured in the direction of the couch and chair. Daniel decided to sit in the chair. He wasn't sure he wanted this to feel like a full blown counseling session just yet. Hugh sat behind his desk, rummaged around in a drawer and then pulled out a notebook.

"So. I understand you've had a pretty conservative upbringing." Hugh started.

"Well, yeah. I was home schooled until I was a freshman. Church each Sunday with my parents. Sometimes Wednesdays too. Each time it seemed as if we'd listen to some lecture on why we were all going to hell. And everything I seemed to do was on that list."

"Sure. I guess traditional churches, especially Catholic and Christian ones will often preach against 'alternative life styles', but as with most things in life, one size doesn't fit all."

Daniel laughed.

"What you have to remember Daniel, is that the bible cannot mean today, what it meant back then. Sure there are some verses that can be twisted around to support or deny homosexuality, but in the end, God made you the way you are. Do you really want to change that?"

Daniel was silent.

"I just am unsure what it means to be Christian, or religious for that matter, and be gay. It just seems like it's one or the other."

"It doesn't have to be Daniel. You can still be faithful and loving to God, but choose who you want to live with and love. I hope through our conversations and a few visits to the church that you will understand this."

"It... well. Hmm." Daniel was a bit speechless at this. When all you've learned in the past has come crashing down around you, it leaves you feeling a bit alone.

"Look, I know this is a lot to digest in one sitting. So, let's see each other on Thursday? Same time? And I will leave you with this thought. There are seven deadly sins, but homosexuality is not one of them. What does that say to you?"

Daniel wasn't given a chance to respond, but was politely ushered out of the office.

Michael checked his voicemail as soon as he entered the airport. A message from the hospital he was about to have his externship at let him know they had booked a hotel room for him and a fellow 4th year student from Ohio State. Michael was a bit surprised at that, it must have been short notice that the other student was doing his externship at the same time, or had to switch his dates, since some clinics don't even like having one student shadow. He grabbed his bag, slightly disappointed that Daniel hadn't called. He picked up his rented car and drove to the animal hospital to pick up the details of where he was staying and his hours. He pulled into the parking lot, with a few minutes to spare before they closed at 6pm. The receptionists greeted him, and went to find the office manager. A middle aged women stepped through the door to the reception area and waved him back.

"You must be Michael, I'm Gale the practice manager here. And this is Westley, the other extern that will be joining us here for the next two weeks. I hope you boys don't mind staying with each other, although we did get you a suite so you'll each have your own bed."

Michael shook hands with Westley, giving him a quick once over since his gaydar pinged on first impressions. The man was short and skinny, with closely cropped blond hair and green eyes. He had to be at least a half foot shorter than Michael.

"Nice to meet you, Westley. I look forward to working with everybody here."

"Good, good. Well, I'll leave you boys to hash out the details. Here's your schedules, it's pretty much the same so you could carpool over here. Otherwise, we'll see you tomorrow!" Gale dismissed them.

"Did you drive here?" Westley asked.

"Yeah I have a rental."

"Ah, cool, I took the bus, so can I hitch a ride with you?"

"Sure, might as well." Michael waved goodbye to the receptionists, and walked out to his car, Westley following almost like a puppy. Westley quickly threw his small suitcase into the back seat and jumped into the passenger side.

A bit of an awkward silence filled the car.

"So were do you go to school?" Westley asked.

"Madison. I think I heard you are at Ohio?"

"Yeah."

"So, how did we end up on the same 2 week schedule, do you know?" Michael asked, curiosity getting the better of him.

"I had a medical emergency. Well. Yeah." He left it at that, going silent once again.

"Ah, here we are." Michael said pulling into the hotel parking lot.

"I hope they have a pool. I could use a swim... I brought my suit just in case."

"I could use a swim too. Been a while."

"Well, yeah considering it's sorta winter back home."

Michael laughed. It seemed even with the odd silences, Westley and him would be getting along.

Michael and Westley entered the suite that was to be their home for the next two weeks.

"You have a preference of which room you want?" Westley asked breaking the silence.

"Naw, you?"

"Not really. I'll take the one on the right. I assume they're the same."

"Looks like it. I'll take the left. You gonna go swimming right away?"

"Um. No, I suspect that right now there's a bunch of kids there. I'd rather wait. I think it's open until 1130, so I may go at 11ish." Westley said a bit nervously.

"As long as you don't mind, I'll go with you. It sounds like a good idea to avoid a bunch of kids."

"I might go unpack then, and maybe take a nap. Or do you want to do something for dinner?"

"Meh, I don't really want to go out. What to order in something? There's a list of phone numbers for the restaurants in the area that deliver right next to the phone." Michael lifted up the laminated paper.

"Pizza okay with you? I'm kinda a college food staples guy" Westley said, laughing at himself.

"Sure. You picky about toppings?"

"Not really. Just no sardines or anything weird."

"Ok, I might just do a veggie one, since meat gives me a bit of a heartburn issue this late at night."

"Sounds good."

Michael went about ordering the pizza while he watched Westley through the doorway into his room. He was kinda a cute guy if you went for a bit more of the twink look. Michael preferred more normal looking guys like himself. The typical normal looking guys versus the more extremes like twinks, or bears. He wasn't into the built or defined guys, and he liked his men to look like men, not boys. Like Daniel. He sighed thinking about the man back home. He was really Michael's ideal partner, minus the whole 'Not sure I'm gay' thing. But hopefully he talked to Ben or Hugh while Michael was away and would be really ready for a relationship. Soon enough the pizza came, and Michael and Westley talked about school, and the differences between the colleges. As the evening grew later, Westley got up to go change into his swim suit, and Michael did the same.

As they were walking down to the pool, Michael thought he saw a fresh mark, somewhat like a tattoo on the back of Westley's right thigh, but dismissed it, knowing that anybody who recently had gotten a tattoo would know to stay out of a pool.

The men enjoyed a quick swim, and then sat in the hot tub for a bit, before the pool room closed at 1130.

That awkward silence happened again. Michael was never sure what to say in situations like this, because honestly, he wasn't used to it. Even with Daniel, the silence felt mutual, and comfortable, like nothing needed to be said. With Westley it felt like there was something hanging in the air, tension that could be cut with a knife.

"Um. I probably should let you know something before it becomes an issue." Westley said. "Because it was with my last roommate."

"Okay..."

"Well. I'm gay." Westley kind of cringed, waiting for Michael to yell at him. Michael was just shocked at how it seemed recently he kept running into more and more gay men. Almost like he was fishing and he was a gay lure or something. He shook his head to get back to the more pressing issue.

"Okay." He said.

"Just okay? No weird freak out, no requesting a new room?" Westley said.

"No dude, I'm gay too. Don't worry about it."

"Oh for fuck's sake..." Westley said.

"Whoa, where did that come from?" Michael laughed a bit.

"Well, remember what I said about the 'medical emergency'?"

"Vaguely."

"Well, my previous roommate decided to take it upon himself and mark me as a queer." Westley stood up and lifted the bottom of his board shorts to reveal a pink scratched out scar that read 'QUEER' in childish scribbles.

"OH MY GOD." Michael said.

"No shit... and this is with some scar reducing therapy too. I'm still waiting to see the plastic surgeon, but they want to have the reducing heal first."

"Seriously, that is messed up, I hope you pressed charges."

"Believe me, I did. He got kicked out of school too. Felony assault and what not."

"Jesus. Man, I'm sorry. That's, wow."

"I'm just glad to be among my own people. Or at least someone whose accepting of it." Westley said bitterly.

"Do you have a support circle back home?"

"What do you mean?"

"Like, any friends, your parents, counselor that helped you come out?"

"I'm not exactly 'out' back home. This was the first experiment into that, by telling the roomie. I suspect it's going to be the same, but probably not as violent."

"I would hope so! But hey, I have a set of friends and a pastor that you could always chat with too, if you're interested. In fact my best friend back home is just starting to go through with it, and we've been helping him out too. We like to refer to it as the 'Gay it Forward' movement. Helping others come out safely."

"Little late for that, but hey, couldn't hurt, right?"

Daniel stood in front of his closet. He wasn't nervous or worried about today's talk with Hugh, but it was difficult deciding what to wear. Why? He wasn't sure. He really should just pick something comfortable since anything besides a tshirt rubbed his sutures a bit. He shrugged and grabbed the first solid colored shirt he could find, and put on a pair of nice jeans. It would have to do.

He arrived at the church just before 2pm. He slowly walked up to the door. He wasn't sure what was making him hesitate. It wasn't like what Hugh had said Tuesday hadn't made him feel a bit better. It sure didn't make him feel worse. At least not that Daniel could tell. The seven deadly sins comment made sense to him, at least in part. He was still concerned that just because it wasn't a deadly sin doesn't mean God frowned upon it and wanted you to make yourself better.

"Daniel! Come on in." Hugh waved him into the office from behind his desk. "Did last week's discussion help?"

"I think it left me with a few more questions then answers, but it didn't make things worse."

"Good. That's what I want to hear."

"That I have questions?"

"Yes, because faith isn't blindly following someone, faith is trust, understanding and accepting, right?"

"Yeah, that makes sense."

"So what are you questioning?"

"Well I guess I thought about what you said, with the seven deadly sins. But what I'm not sure I can glean from it is that God doesn't want us to fix ourselves."

"Daniel, when it comes to a part of who you are, you aren't going to 'fix' yourself. This isn't something that can be 'fixed' any easier then being left handed, or being a different skin color. And you can use one of those examples as a stepping stone for the reasoning of the bible cannot mean today what it did then. Being left handed used to be seen as demonic. Children were forbidden from writing left handed. How is that any different then sexual preference? It isn't in my book. Oh sure, years from now they may find the gene responsible for causing homosexuality, but what do we do with that knowledge? It really doesn't change anything, except the nay-sayers will have to stop saying being gay is a choice."

"Okay. I get that. I guess I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm, I don't know, frustrated with the fact that I am this way. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? Was it something I did as a child, or in a past life or something stupid?"

"Daniel. I understand that this isn't an easy thing to accept. The only thing that I can say is that Mother Teresa had it right. God doesn't ever give someone a struggle he doesn't believe they can't over come. And remember Philippians 4:13, 'I can do all things, through Christ who strengthens me'. That itself is proof that God doesn't use homosexuality as a punishment. This isn't some struggle you have to live with because you murdered someone in a past life or didn't rest on the Sabbath when you were a child. This is something God knew you could handle. And in return, He knows you will make a difference."

Daniel nodded.

"Okay. I think."

"Look, I know this is hard. I watched James struggle through it. He isn't as religious as you, so I know this will be a longer fight. I know there isn't a whole lot of obvious references to gays or homosexuals in the bible, and I'm sure you've read through it by the time you were in high school if your education was what I suspect. There is a subsection of Christians that believe that David, of David and Goliath fame, and his friend Jonathon were lovers. And as much as Leviticus 18:22 is thrown around, it really does seem to me that it refers to cult prostitution, and is taken out of context. And again, the idea that the bible cannot mean today what it meant then, is backed up by the changes we have already seen, contrary to Leviticus."

"Like eating pork, and women being virgins when they marry."

"And resting on the Sabbath, as well as selling children into slavery."

"Okay. I'm starting to feel better about this. You're right though, I think it will be a battle to get my brain and my heart to think the same things."

"Just remember this; once you are ready to let people know, you no longer have to lie. You don't have to hide yourself, and you can be who you were meant to be. You no longer have to suffer from depression and angst over who you truly are. You already are a good person. How can God deny you the love you deserve from Him and a potential partner?"

Michael and Westley had a non-eventful first half of the week. After clearing the air the Monday night in the hot tub, the men got along well. During most of the days at work, they shadowed separate doctors so they really only had a chance to chat at lunch. Michael started to drive them back to the hotel after the long day. He'd gotten used to the silence that seemed to follow Westley.

"You're a quiet guy aren't you." Michael finally said.

"Yeah. I was quite shy growing up. People always seem to do enough talking for me, and I found it was easiest to smile and nod." Westley laughed. "And it does come in handy. I've learned to be a great listener. And people think that it's a great trait. I also learn a whole lot about people in the process. Like you, I see you checking your phone a lot, you mumble under your breath and always ask me questions when the silence gets to be too much for you. Which is cool. It makes me think you got somebody back home that's supposed to be calling you or something."

"Well. Not supposed to be calling. Just might."

"Hmm." Westley said

"Yeah, it's complicated."

"Sounds like it."

"I don't know. I'll tell you about it if you want."

"You don't have to if it makes you uncomfortable."

"Maybe later. What to get something to eat?"

"I have had enough cheap food recently. I could really use a salad or something I think."

"Well, let's go to the grocery store near the hotel, maybe pick up some salads, or stuff to make them."

"Sounds good." Westley agreed.

Daniel felt like he had a déjà vu moment. Here he was, lying on his bed, and staring at the ceiling. He should call Michael. Or at least text him since it was Friday. He was nervous about it though, unsure if Michael would want him to call or not. As he was arguing in his head the pros and cons in calling Michael, his phone rang. It wasn't a number he recognized. He decided to answer it just in case.

"Hello?" Daniel answered.

"Daniel? It's Ben."

"Oh, hey, I wasn't sure who it was; I haven't put your number into my phone yet."

"So that's why you haven't called me. Michael was sure you would..."

"Well, I actually ended up talking to your dad Tuesday and Thursday, so I didn't think to call you."

"Oh, cool. Michael will be happy to hear that. I know he was worried about somebody checking in on you, but I didn't want to be intrusive. I figured you'd call if you needed something."

"Well, actually, I could use something to do outside the house today, it you want to hang out with me."

"Anything specific?"

"Not really. I've just been making it a goal of mine to leave the house once a day so I don't end up depressed and staring at the ceiling like I am right now."

Ben laughed.

"Okay. James and I were thinking of heading out for lunch. Probably Mexican if you're up to that."

"Sure."

"We'll come pick you up then. Need some time?"

"How long will it take for you to get here?"