tagHumor & SatireThe Princess and the Gnomes

The Princess and the Gnomes

byZiggy Odyssey©

I had been watching the bikini girls frolic in the sand and the surf all week from my breezy balcony. I was sick (*cough cough sputter sputter*). I was really sick and nobody was allowed to come see me and I was not allowed to leave.

The doctor felt it would be best if I went to Florida and got some fresh air and listened to the ocean. Sounded good to me so I decided to follow the good doctor's advice.

So my sick eyes just watched the long legged girls, the short cuties, the jiggling orbs of girl tits, their swaying cute little asses. Their sun kissed bellies... their hand held radios... their giggles and shouts... their dark sunglasses.

All day long, bikini girls played on the beach. I begged and prayed for them to toss off their swimsuits and run naked in the foamy waves. They never did. The bitches.

I got desperate. I started shouting at them "Show me your tits!" The usual response was an upwardly extended middle finger.

By the third day of my illness I hallucinated mermaids rolling blissfully in the surf... three times.

I spent a lot of time jerking off and eating soup. I was so sick.

One evening, my sick ass was laying on the couch listening to the lizards scurry across the kitchen floor when I heard the front door being forced open.

I rolled my sick head around on my sick neck and saw her storm through the door.

Her long gorgeous body was wrapped in a skin tight orange latex hazmat suit. She marched across the carpet in her kickass nuclear boots.

She stood above me menacingly and flexed her gloved fists. I knew she was glaring at me from behind her dark goggles and there was probably a smile smeared on her wicked lips under her air filter mask.

I heard her muffled voice say "So what's this all about?" as she delivered a swift kick to the couch with her kickass nuclear boots.

Description of Mazzie Fury's kickass nuclear boots: orange with red Saturn rings around the calves. Fully robotic lunar tread. Built to mambo, or stomp planets. At present, toe tapping impatiently.

"I'm so glad you came over. You're the only one I know with a skin-tight orange latex hazmat suit and I didn't want you to miss this... by the way, I like how your bio-suit conforms itself like balloon skin over your wild raspberry nipples *cough*" said I.

"You've never tasted them. How do you know they're 'raspberry'?" she retorted as she sunk into the big lazy armchair and teasingly rubbed her gloved thumbs over her balloonesque tits. The latex squeaked as she tweaked her nipples.

"So I'm here... so what's the big deal? You know I'm not fucking you tonight. You're contagious. Your spermy goo is probably swimming with legions of cootie-germs. It's totally gross to think about," she said as she made herself comfortable by laying back and kicking up her kickass planet stomp'n boots.

"I found some," I was very excited, "I got hairysnatchbitchfuckingteenagegnomes action goin down live, here, tonight, in this time share condo dwelling thing. Wanna watch with me? *hack*" I was very sick.

She was suddenly still. "What are you talking about?"

I tried to explain, "First I had to find me a hairysnatchbitch. That wasn't to hard. There's an entire web ring of hairysnatchbitches that run their own amateur porn pages. I found the wildest hairysnatchbitch. She's a super-freek. She's coming here tonight."

"She's coming here?" Mazzie asked through her air mask. At that very second, hordes of my horrible sick germs were lashing themselves against her micro filtered mask's armorous mesh. The lizards were keeling over in the kitchen.

"Yeah she's coming here. You should see some of her video downloads. I especially liked the series where she seduces a group of rainforest poachers and then trades them their guns for some gangbang fun. But the one where she ritualistically brings herself to orgasm on a torchlight alter to call upon the great OOga Boogoo and starts kicking and screaming... that's a pretty good one to."

"She shouldn't be coming here... she'll catch your nasty illness. The doctor said 'no visitors.'," Mazzie casually reminded me as she adjusted her air mask.

"Oh no. She's already had it. Most of the women in her tribe get it when they have their first period. You can only get Monohepatitus-enfluenzeema Disjunctus once in your life. And gnomes can't get it at all. Do you know how hard it is to find gnomes these days? They keep a low profile but I managed to find a group of young gnome dudes that are here in Florida for spring break. They'll be here soon," I explained.

"uh huh..." Mazzie murmured and I could tell by the way she cocked her head that she was wondering if my fever had made me delirious.

Just then the doorbell rang and Mazzie leaped from the chair and landed with a padded thud in her kickass boots. She was totally blam.

"I'll get it. You stay here, sicko," she said.

Her butt looked soooo good in that bio-suit. It was like her nude body had a wrapper pulled taut around it. I wanted to peel her out of that outfit. She could keep the boots and the goggles on though. Damn... where did she keep the zipper on that suit?

I heard the girls' voices in the doorway and Mazzie invited in the jungle princess.

She was tall and dark. Her long black braids dangled over her graceful shoulders. A necklace of wicked little bones around her neck. An authentic leopard skin party dress was slipped over her long legged princess body.

Mazzie followed the Princess across the room.

"You are the man-creature who is named Ziggy Odyssey?" asked the Princess in her thick wild accent. Her long dark lashes fluttered over her warm chocolate eyes.

"Thaz me... *cough hack snort*" I squirmed on the couch.

"I am Princess Juba-ba Ju-kengi Akishah daughter of Gy-kengi Muu-Ra Akishah. My friends call me JuJu," she smiled and extended her dark slender hand, bracelets and trinkets jingling.

I pressed her cinnamon hand to my chapped lips, "It is an honor and a pleasure for you to join us this evening Princess JuJu. Could you do us the favor of showing us your womanly jungle garden paradise? *hack wheeze*"

I had been studying JuJu's tribal customs and I knew all the proper terminology to win favor with Princess JuJu-bug.

She smiled warmly and tilted her hips. She bit down on her juicy lower lip and then began to drag the edges of the jungle-cat dress up her hairy thighs. She slid the dress over her broad hips. Dark wispy hair coated her inner thighs and mounded in a great nest upon her rolling pubis. The dark hair fanned upward and made a little wispy trail over the pooch of her cute princess belly.

"mmmm..." my eyes were wide and feverish, "and the yoni treasure of honey?" I asked hopefully.

"oooo... you like to see my pink pussy?" she mewed.

Her hand glided through the wiry black hair. Her fingers spread to part her blushing cunt lips and show me the pink folds of her labia, glistening with the yoni treasure of honey. She corkscrewed a finger over herself and let her dress drop down again.

My nose was plugged and I could not smell her musk. For that, I lamented greatly.

"You are clearly a capable woman. Someday soon you will make ten of your father's sons bray like asses *cough*," I said in appreciation.

I knew it was a ridiculous thing to say but to her tribal ears, it was a big turn on. She squealed and lifted her arms up high with laughter. Her bushy armpits thrusting as she did a little dance. I suspected that she had been chewing on coca leaves.

She just kept dancing. Her jungle hips wiggling. Her hairy legs kept twining around themselves as she repeated some oom-shackalacka chant.

"yep... she's a wild one," Mazzie confirmed.

"yes yes... oom-shackalacka JuJu baby, but I gotta tell you, I'm really not feeling well so I'm just gonna watch tonight. This is my friend, Mazzie Fury. She's gonna watch to," I explained to JuJu.

"You want for me to invoke the great OOga Boogoo while you watch?" she asked confusedly.

"yes. Wild OOga Boogoo with a gathering of small men. Remember the small men that I said would be dropping by?" I asked her highness.

"oh yeeeees. They will bring me the magic mushrooms! And lay with me to speak poetry!" exclaimed JuJu as she hopped on one leg.

"Yes! Yes! They will be here soon... and with them you will do dance of the fire lingham. With all of them at the same time. Yes. Remember the pictures you showed me? Well, we will have big fun tonight. You will do hot wet fucks with them," I said excitedly.

"YES! I will do hot wet fucks with these little men. But they will bring me the magic mushrooms and the sweet words of poetry?" JuJu asked as she held out her widespread hands to me and emphasized her point by turning them into fists.

"oh yes! They will have very good mushrooms and they are wonderful poets," I turned to Mazzie and explained, "JuJu likes psychedelics. Apparently her mom (the queen) met up with Terrence McKenna in the jungles. And also JuJu is a very big fan of poetry... aren't you JuJu?"

"MMMMmmm ugh yeeee-aaa! I want to trip my balls off in the morning when the world is sleeping! I want to fuck poets like the great ones, the Jack Kerouac and the Jim Morrison Lizard King!" she exasperated.

"Are gnomes poetic by nature?" asked Mazzie, adjusting her goggles.

"I don't know but we'll find out *cough rattle*" I croaked.

Just then there was a small knock-knocking at the condo door.

"I'll get it," said I, as I attempted to stand. I'd been on the couch for several hours. My legs felt weak and rubbery. My head swam as I staggered to the door.

I'd never met a gnome I didn't like. That's because I'd never met a gnome before. There were six of them on the doorstep.

"Hello," piped a little voice.

"We've come for the sex party!" squeaked another.

"Well you've come to the right place. You guys got the goods?" I asked.

One of them waved a baggie of shrooms above his head, "Here go Man!"

"Exzzzellent. You guys know any poetry?" I asked. The little men looked confused.

I gave them the low-down, "Look, there's this really hot jungle kitty in here and she totally digs poetry so you better come up with a few verses or at least recite some Doors lyrics. It will really turn her on."

I held open the door and their little feet did pitter patter through the entryway.

There were six of them in all. They were only about two foot tall (so they'd come up lil' past your knees). They had the beards that you would expect gnomes to have but since they were teenage gnomes their beards weren't white. Most of their beards were blonde or brown but one had a black beard and looked like Gene Simmons in a strange kinda way, and one had a red beard (he looked like a guy I knew in college). Stout & stocky little men. One of them was skinny and puny but a little taller. One had a bad case of acne. They all wore brightly colored gypsy looking clothes and pointed little shoes. Of course they had those pointy gnome hats. They gibbered nervously amongst themselves and looked around wildly. Because of my illness, I couldn't really smell anything but Mazzie told me later that they had a very curious cologne smell to them. Gnome cologne I guess.

When JuJu saw the little men tromping into the living room she gasped and put her hands over her mouth. She hunched over with laughter and couldn't control herself.

"Princess JuJu, tonight you will dance the crusade of the fire lingham with these small men," I said. That made her laugh even harder.

"Here, they brought your multi-deminsional toadstools," I stuffed the goods in JuJu's cleavage while she was bent over in hysterics.

I didn't like her laughing at them. It wasn't nice. These were, afterall, teenage gnomes and might be very sensitive.

"What are you laugh'n at bitch?" grumbled black beard. A ruddy little dude in a red hat shoved him.

"Hello Princess JuJu, I'm Winkin," said he with a wink.

And then each in turn: "I'm Wankin." "I'm Blinkin." "I'm Blankin." "I'm Knob." "And I'm Dopey," said the one with the red beard, "I heard you were sick so I brought something for you."

Dopey unpacked a vaporizer and stuffed some delicious red haired marijuana in it. Good old Dopey. I thanked him profusely and we got it cooking. I told him that I couldn't get over how much he reminded me of a guy I knew in college.

JuJu, Blinkin and Knob were mixing drinks in the kitchen.

"Aren't there supposed to be seven of you dwarves?" Mazzie asked.

"DWARVES!!!" they all shouted in unison and began to pull out their beards.

"WE'RE GNOMES YOU SILLY GIRL!!!" shouted Blankin with the black beard.

"ooohh... my apologies," Mazzie giggled, "And do gnomes have much bigger cocks than dwarves?"

Wankin unzipped his britches and pulled out his wanker, "Does a dwarf have THIS?" He shook it at Mazzie's boots.

"Oh it's MUCH bigger than I imagined," she sang with sarcasm.

"All of you... let me see your man sticks," JuJu towered over them and peeled off the leopard skin dress. Flinging it wildly over the couch. Her dark nippled tits were swaying mellons. Her belly rolled and flexed. She slapped her thighs and set her crawling fingers to work in her musky underbrush.

The gnomes began to peel off their festive little scraps of garb with shouts of gnomish glee.

And there they stood. Six naked little gnome guys. Their stout little ruddy bodies tense and alert. Their little pot bellies breathing. Their little gnome peckers bobbing. Their dicks were about the size of a finger and they squeezed them and pulled on them as they gathered around JuJu's knees gaping up at her.

She stepped around them teasingly. I really hoped she didn't start hopping on one leg and smash one of the gnome boys. That'd be a bummer.

JuJu spread her long legs gracefully in an upside down 'V' and arched her booty-licious ass up in the air as she bent over and ran her fingers through Wankin's curly hair. She giggled with delight.

"Now... which one of you will have the pleasure first of my mouth?" her voice was soft and haunting.

"How about... YOU?!!" her eyes went OOga-booga, she snatched an uncertain looking blonde gnome with acne. I think it was Knob. She snatched him up with both hands around his slim little waist and lifted him in the air like a doll. His arms and feet were flailing.

Then JuJu wrapped her mouth around his entire apparatus. The gnome clutched her hair in fear. The other gnomes were dumbstruck.

JuJu's lips were wrapped tight around Knob's privates. He liked it. She was tonguing him. Swishing his cock and balls around in her eager mouth. He put his feet on her shoulders and loosened his grip on her hair.

"mmm...ummm..." JuJu hummed as the gnome began to wiggle his hips and sigh. The other gnomes cautiously began stroking JuJu's hairy legs.

JuJu spat his cock out and wiped her tongue over his scrotum, "speak to me the words of poetry."

Knob stared at her dumbly as her tongue twisted and flickered over his wet dick.

"uh... uh..." he said, "girl you gotta love your man. gotta take him by the hand. into this world we're born. the riders on the storm. the riders on the... storm. his brain is squirming like a toad and our love becomes a fire."

"yeas! MORE!" JuJu begged.

Knob continued to mangle Doors songs. He threw in some Led Zeppelin lyrics to.

JuJu let go of him and placed her hands on her head. (This showed off her incredibly hairy armpits.) Knob held on to her wrists while standing on her shoulders and stuffed his finger-sized prick in her mouth. It was an amazing feat of acrobatics.

"Impressive don't you think?" I asked Mazzie who was looking a little bored.

Knob was making these squealing little giggles as he began to slip his whistle faster and faster through JuJu's lips. We watched his little hairy gnome butt wiggle while he fucked JuJu's face. Then he began shrieking like a teapot. And then he tensed up, and the screaming little gnome was cumming all over JuJu's face. Little spurts of white rain shot her across her cheeks and nose as his dick waggled back and forth.

His screaming subsided to a wheeze. Knob looked around in a daze.

"Oh shit. How em I gonna get down?" he worried.

JuJu gently set him down and wiped his droplets from her eyes. After some experimenting, they found things worked best if JuJu layed on the floor with her head propped on a pillow. The gnomes crawled around on and plied at her wild naked body.

Twelve little hands worked their way over the inches of her skin. Brushing her legs. Kissing and licking at her thighs. Sitting down on her undulating tummy and falling forward to rub their bearded faces over her tits.

She was having one or two in her mouth. They made a game out of it. They wanted to see how many cocks they could fit in her mouth.

Three gnomes crowded up to her face, and you couldn't really see what was going on. I think JuJu got kicked in the throat more than once. That had to hurt.

The gnome dudes put their arms around each other like a chorus line. Then a fourth one crawled up on her face and squat down to her mouth like he was sitting on the middle guy's lap. Man, it was a sight! She did it. Four gnome cocks in her mouth.

By now the gnomes had started dipping into her hairy snatch. They thrust their faces into her gooey clam and gave her tingly little gnome kisses all over her pussy. Little tongues licked her long slit. They would throw themselves down against her wild pubic thatch and pump their little cocks into her cunt.

When JuJu began to beg for more, Blankin slid his entire forearm into her cunt and started wiggling it around. Blinkin hauled himself onto her belly and worked his tiny hands over her clit, rubbing it like a magic lamp. Then Blankin slid his other arm into her tight asshole. JuJu began to cry out in wild chants as Blankin alternately thrust his arms into her sloppy sex.

She had a gnome on each tit. Wankin sucked a perky dark nipple. Dopey sucked the other. They rubbed and spanked their dicks against her bobbling breasts.

The gnomes were a giggly bunch. When they got close to cumming, they squealed louder and louder until they were making that unbearable teapot whistle and then splat splurt... they would cum on her tits or splatter drops of it over her hairy snatch.

It was a long, wild night. The gnomes whistled their teapots and let fly milky little streamers. I think most of them came two or three times. JuJu gave herself to fits of OOgaBooga crying out wild blessings in her native tongue, "OOOO.... OOOga. GA! Ma ram hadda pud a shukkah! GA! GA! OOOOO!!!"

When they had all been spent, they ate the shrooms. I excused myself and explained that due to my illness, I was in need of rest. Mazzie tucked me in. I was feeling very tired and stupid. She shut the bedroom door. Where WAS the zipper on that suit?!! We talked for a little bit and then she patted me on the head and she left. I heard her say good night to JuJu and the gnomes, who tripped their balls off and kept me awake shouting poetry until morning.

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