The Real Me

The other vampires stared at him.

Whispering to other vampires, “What?”

“Brad, guess someone was feeling guilty for standing me up in the tenth grade.” Harmony said admiring the unicorn.

Again to other vampires Brad said, “I, I had to get her something. She sired me.”

To Cyrus, Peaches said, “Sire-whipped.”

Mort added the unicorn to a large collection of other unicorn statues sitting on a table.

“Anyway, the books you guys brought me to help with the plan? Well, I’ve been skimming through the book jackets all morning, and let me tell you, there’s some pretty useful stuff in there, so…”

Cyrus raised his hand.

“Yes, uh... sorry, forgot your name.” Harmony said.

“Cyrus.”

“Cyrus, huh, right. Peaches’ friend.”

Peaches nodded.

“What’s your question?”

“When are we gonna do it?” Cyrus asked.

“Eww! That’s rude! I barely know you!” Cyrus looked sideways at the other vampires in confusion. “Uch, and you’re a minion!”

“He means the plan! When are we gonna do the plan?” Mort clarified.

“Ohhh! The plan!” Harmony laughed in embarrassment. “Ah, well, first lemme tell you I’m really psyched about it and I hope the rest of you guys…”

“When?!” Mort yelled.

“Tonight!” Harmony yelled back, then more calmly, “We kill the Slayer... tonight.” She smiled in self-satisfaction.

The other vampires grinned and nodded at each other.

Dawn was sitting on her bed holding her diary, wearing the same clothes she was wearing at the magic shop.

“So not only didn’t you take your sister shopping for school supplies…” Joyce was saying.

Dawn listened in.

Buffy and Joyce argued in Joyce’s bedroom. Joyce walked back and forth getting dressed and putting on jewellery.

“… you brought her to a murder scene.”

“No, I didn’t bring her to it, it... just... sorta came upon us. It’s not like she saw the body or anything.”

“Oh, well. That makes it all right then, doesn’t it?”

“No, that is not what I meant.”

“I asked one favour of you, Buffy. To look after your sister. And now you want to unload her, so you and Michael can go out.”

“To patrol. I’m working, it’s not like I wanna go to the sock hop.”

“I have to be at the pre-show reception in half an hour. Who’s gonna watch Dawn?”

“I don’t need anyone to watch me!” Dawn called from her room.

In unison Buffy and Joyce called back, “Yes you do!”

Joyce walked into the bathroom.

“Wait. So what you’re saying is if I can get an acceptable babysitter here before you leave, I can go patrol?”

“Babysitter? I’m fourteen! I’m old enough to be a babysitter!” Dawn called out.

“And who are you gonna get on such short notice?” Joyce asked.

“I can take care of myself!” Dawn called.

Buffy suddenly realized, “Xander.”

“Xander?” Joyce asked.

There was the sound of running footsteps. Joyce and Buffy looked up as Dawn appeared in the doorway.

“Okay.” Dawn said.

A little later the doorbell rang. Dawn ran up to the front door, pausing to fix her hair. She was wearing a tight short dress. She opened the door, Xander stood there holding a pizza.

“Dawn patrol.” Xander said.

Smiling Dawn said, “Hey.”

“Check this out, they put cheese on round bread. It’s gonna be big.”

He entered the house. Dawn watched him with a smile as Joyce appeared, putting on a jacket.

Xander is so much cuter than anyone. And smarter too. He totally skipped college and got a job working construction. Which is so kind of... deep, you know? He builds things. And he’s brave too.

Just last week he went undercover to stop that Dracula guy.

“Xander, thanks for doing this.” Joyce said.

“Total non-sweat.” Xander said.

“Again, thanks for coming. Oh, uh, here is my card. If you have any problems, you just call me on the cell phone.”

Joyce gave Xander her card.

“Have fun. Not too much fun, though.” Xander said to Joyce.

“Dawn, be good.” She kissed Dawn goodbye.

“Oh, we will. We’re just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from... some guy... I don’t know his name.” Xander winked at Dawn.

Joyce left and Dawn, smiling at Xander, started to shut the door.

Xander treats everyone like an equal. He doesn’t look down on people.

Anya appeared in the doorway, preventing Dawn from closing the door. Anya carried a stack of board-game boxes.

“Hello there, little girl.”

Dawn’s happy expression turned to one of dismay.

Even when he should.

Talking as if to a very small child Anya said, “We are gonna have fun, fun, fun. Look, I’ve got Monopoly, Clue, and ooh, the Game of Life! That sounds good!”

Dawn looked upset. She closed the door.

“Poor Dawn.” Tara said.

Tara stood looking at herself in a mirror, which was above a sink with a towel rack beside it.

“She was pretty shaken up.”

“Well, sure. Bloody death and stuff.” Willow said.

The two of them were in a dorm room, unpacking. Willow went to hang a painting while Tara was unpacking bathroom stuff from a box.

“She’ll be okay.” Willow said.

“It’s just... I, I think it’s tough for her, not being able to... well, allowed to, you know, help.”

Willow tried the painting in a few places, then put it atop a bureau and began unpacking another box.

“Help?” Willow asked.

“Oh, you. You guys. The Slayer circle.”

“Well, Buffy doesn’t really need... a-and I think Dawn’s a little young.”

“I-I know, you’re right. It’s just hard. That outsider feeling.”

Willow looked over at her.

“Tara... you’re not an outsider.”

“Well, yeah. I kinda am.”

Willow walked toward her, “No, you’re not.”

“Willow, it’s okay. Where does this go?”

“Somebody making you feel uncomfortable? Is it Xander? It’s Xander, isn’t it?”

“No, Xander’s a sweetie.”

“It’s Giles! It’s ‘cause he’s... British and doesn’t understand about stuff.”

“It’s no one.” Tara continued taking stuff out of the box. “You guys all just have this really tight bond. It’s-it’s hard to break into that. And I’m not even sure I want to.

Willow walked up behind Tara and put her arms around Tara’s waist, resting her chin on Tara’s shoulder.

“I’m sure.” Willow said.

Tara put her hands over Willow’s.

“You’re completely one of the gang now. Everyone accepts that.”

They both smiled.

“You’re one of the good guys.”

Tara’s smile disappeared and she pulled away, disengaging herself from Willow’s embrace. Willow didn’t notice her expression.

“Maybe I can talk to the rest of the group and we can do something, some kind of Scooby initiation.”

They both returned to what they were doing.

“Oh! Maybe we could wear some kind of special ring that identifies us as members.”

“I don’t think so. I think Michael wears enough rings for all of us… But maybe something like that would be nice for Dawn. I do worry about her sometimes.”

“You don’t have to. She’s got big sister Buffy happily looking out for her.”

Buffy and Michael were walking through a graveyard.

“So then my Mom goes off on me about how I’m supposed to watch out for Dawn and make sure that she’s shielded from something that might upset her.” Buffy said.

“Like dead shopkeepers.” Michael suggested.

“She didn’t see him! A foot, maybe. A dead foot, which is bad, okay, but hello, I see dead stuff all the time, and you don’t see Mom shielding me.”

“So you want your Mother to give you space to be a Slayer, and shield you from it at the same time.”

“Thank you, logic boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.”

“I’m getting that.” Michael sighed. “What’s the deal, Buffy? You seem really…”

Buffy stopped him by putting out a hand. She stopped walking and looked intently to her right.

“Oh, trash can. From a distance it looked kinda…”

“Tense.” Michael said.

“Nooo, I-I was gonna say brown, squat, shadowy...”

“Uh-uh. Back to what I was saying before we were rudely attacked by nothing. You seem really tense.”

Buffy shrugged, “Yeah, there’s a new vampire gang in town.”

“I mean domestically tense. You’re on Dawn’s case a lot.”

“I guess. It’s just...” Buffy sighed. “I don’t know, it... I know it’s always been this way. She’s the baby. But for some reason lately, it’s just really getting to me. She’s always around.”

“Well, yeah. You’re like her idol, Buffy.”

“Her idol? I don’t think so, unless you like to spill things on your idol’s new leather pants, and…”

“You know what I mean. You have super powers... and college... a ‘studly’ yet sensitive boyfriend...”

“And a pesky life-or-death job that I can’t quit or even take a break from.”

“She doesn’t get the sacrifices. She’s a kid.”

“And that’s what bugs. She gets to be a kid, and she acts like it’s the biggest burden in the world. Sometimes I would like to just curl up in Mom’s lap and not worry about the fate of the world. I’d like to be the one who’s protected, who’s waited on…”

“… hand and foot, getting her own way. Always the favourite.” Dawn was telling Xander.

They were playing the Game of Life around a low table in the living room, surrounded by various junk foods. Dawn was eating a bowl of ice cream.

“You nut. Your Mom loves you both equally. But if I’m wrong, I find money usually helps tip the scale. Slip Joyce a 10 or a 20 once in a while. Then we’ll see who’s the favourite.”

Dawn smiled.

He says I’m like a kid sister...

Looking at the game board Xander said, “Here comes the judge!”

... but sometimes when he looks at me, I feel like he sees me as I am...

Xander gave Dawn a big goofy grin.

... as a woman.

Dawn had chocolate ice cream smeared all round her mouth.

“Oh, crap.” Anya said slapping down her cards. “Look at this! Now I’m burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage...”

“That means you’re winning.” Xander informed her.

“Really?” Anya asked surprised.

“Yes. Cash equals good.”

“Ooh!” Anya clapped her hands in excitement. “I’m so pleased.” She scooped up the plastic markers that represented children. “Can I trade in the children for more cash?”

Dawn gave her a disgusted look.

Suddenly something smashed in through the window, showering them with broken glass. They all ducked behind the table. Dawn shrieked. Xander got up and went to see what it was. Anya followed. Xander picked up a rock with a note tied around it. He untied the string, handed the rock to Anya, and read the note. Dawn stayed on the floor watching.

“ ‘Slayer, come out and die’.”

The note was written in large letters. The ‘i’ in ‘die’ was dotted with a smiley-face.

“I’m waiting for you, Buffy!” Harmony called.

Xander went over to the hole in the window and peeked out. He saw Harmony, surrounded by her four minions, who carried weapons. Harmony looked annoyed.

“I know you’re in there!” Harmony yelled.

Xander was standing in the doorway, holding the front door open.

“What do you mean, she’s not in there?” Harmony asked.

Xander looked unimpressed.

“She has to be. I’m calling her out!”

Anya and Dawn stood a few feet behind Xander.

“Then I bet she’ll be real sorry she missed your call. ‘Fraid you and your buddies are gonna have to come back and be killed by Buffy later.”

Scornfully Harmony said, “They’re not my buddies. They’re my minions.”

“They’re... what now?” Xander asked.

“Minions! You know, lackeys? They work for me.”

Xander looked sceptical. Then he started laughing.

“What’s so funny?!” Harmony asked.

“Nothing! What could be funny, just ‘Look out, it’s a terrifying Harmony gang, ooh’!” Xander said laughing.

“Stop laughing!”

Harmony tried to attack him, but she couldn’t go past the doorway. Dawn ducked behind Anya. Xander continued laughing.

“I just, I just can’t picture anyone pathetic enough to be following…” Xander looked at the minions again and pretended to be shocked. “Is that Brad Konig? Huh! Hey Brad, who’d have thought when you were beating up kids in gym class, you’d end up Harmony’s lapdog?”

“Screw you, Harris.” Brad said.

“You should know all about being somebody’s lapdog. I hear you were a good little puppy for Dracula.”

Anya and Dawn looked insulted on Xander’s behalf.

“You heard wrong.”

Harmony laughed, “Don’t feel bad. I hear that mind-control thing he does works really well on weak fraidy-cat losers. You didn’t stand a chance.”

From behind Anya, Dawn said, “Shut up!”

“Dawn, I’m handling this. Shut up, Harmony!” Xander said.

“Make me.” Harmony shot back.

“Fraid I don’t feel like getting into another hair-pulling contest with you.”

“You’re the hair-puller, you big girl!”

“Oh yeah? Come inside and say that! Xander will kick your…” Dawn said, not realising what she’d just done.

“Dawn, no!” Anya said.

Xander made his ‘uh-oh’ face.

Harmony morphed into her vampire face and lunged at Xander, shoving him to the floor as Dawn shrieked.

Harmony was on top of Xander, holding him down as he struggled. Dawn shrieked and pushed past Anya to run up the stairs. The minions rushed to the door but couldn’t enter.

“The invitation was for one.” Xander said to them, thought this was little comfort.

The minions snarled. Anya turned and ran into another room.

“Not such a pushover any more, am I?” Harmony said and punched Xander in the face a few times.

Anya was running around, “Slayer’s house have more weapons lying around.” She picked up a lamp.

“I’ve been working out, learning some new tricks, honing my…”

She bent to bite Xander as Anya ran up with the lamp. Harmony straightened up and backhanded Anya, breaking the lamp and sending Anya flying.

“Instincts.” Harmony finished.

Xander kicked Harmony in the stomach and she flew backward out the front door, crashing into her minions. They all fell down the porch stairs. Xander and Anya rushed to close the door and leant against it, looking out at the vampires.

“This isn’t over, Xander! I’ll be back!” Harmony said.

“And we’ll be ready for you! Stakes... crosses... the whole enchilada.” Xander retorted.

He and Anya pulled away from the windows.

“Buffy is not going to be happy about this.”

Anya shook her head in agreement.

Buffy laughed hysterically.

“Harmony... Harmony has minions?” Buffy said amidst her laughter.

Buffy and Michael were in the Summers’ kitchen laughing, Anya and Xander were there too, they weren’t laughing.

“Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction.” Xander said.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Buffy cleared her throat and stopped laughing. “It’s just... Harmony has minions!”

Buffy started laughing hysterically again.

“And Ruffles have ridges. Uh, Buffy, there’s actually a more serious side to all this.”

“I sure hope so, ‘cause I’m having trouble breathing.” Buffy giggled, then stopped and took a deep breath. “What is it?”

Xander was nervous, he looked at Anya, “Well, she did come here to kill you.”

Buffy burst out laughing again. Michael also snickered.

Chuckling, Michael said, “Buffy, come on, they have killed once that we know of. She could be a threat to you.”

Buffy laughed harder.

“Especially now that she can enter your house any time she wants.”

Buffy stopped laughing for real this time.

“What?” Buffy asked confused.

Xander and Anya fidgeted.

“Uh, yeah, actually, she - Harmony - kind of happened to sort of get an invite.”

“You guys can’t invite her in. I mean, only someone who lives here can…”

The clue hit. Xander nodded. Buffy frowned.

“Where is she?” Buffy asked quietly.

“In her room. Look, I think she’s still pretty freaked out.” Anya said.

“Dawn!” Buffy yelled and started to stomp out.

Xander stopped her, “Buff, it was an accident. She didn’t mean it.”

“Oh, well that just makes it okay then, doesn’t it?” Buffy stomped out.

Xander called after her, “No, but believe me, nobody feels worse than her right now.”

Harmony and her minions walked through a dark graveyard.

“What a total disaster. My first plan! I so wanted it to go well. Plus, I didn’t even get to kill stupid Xander Harris! God, that was so embarrassing.”

“We’ll go back later.” Mort said.

“No! It’s no good. Buffy’s gonna expect us now. The whole surprise is blown.”

Peaches spoke to Cyrus, “Who’re you growling at?”

“Not me, my stomach. If I don’t eat somebody soon, I-I’ll get dizzy.”

“Let’s go back to the lair. That census taker may not be empty yet.” Peaches suggested.

“Not me. This night is young, and I want some action.” Brad said.

Someone tapped Brad on the shoulder, and when he turned, they punched him in the face. He went down. The other three minions turned.

“Happy to oblige.” Spike said. “Here I thought it was gonna be a slow night.” He was puffing on a cigarette, sizing up the minions. “Step on up, kiddies. Thrashings for all.”

The minions started forward.

“Stop!” Harmony said.

Harmony emerged from behind Mort. Spike looked surprised.

“Well. Hello, Harm.” Spike said.

“Spikey. I mean, Spike.”

“Long time. You look good.”

“I feel good.”

Spike smirked, “I remember.”

They both grinned.

“How’ve you been?” Harmony asked.

Spike shrugged, “Not bad. Just got a brand-new telly in my crypt, so...”

Walking up behind Harmony, Mort said, “Why are you talking to him?”

“It’s okay, we used to go steady.” Harmony sighed. “Spike, Mort. Mort, this is…”

“I know who he is. He kills our kind.” Mort said.

“Oh yeah!” Harmony said, the to Spike, “What’s up with that?”

Spike shrugged, “Bloke’s gotta have a hobby, don’t he? Piss off, Mort.”

Mort growled and stepped forward, but Harmony stopped him.

“Mort, just give us... a couple minutes, ‘kay?” Harmony turned back to Spike. “He’s really testy. Some of us were thinking of voting him out of the gang.” She and Spike stepped aside where the minions couldn’t overhear.

“Gang?” Spike asked.

“Oh, yeah. I’ve got my own gang now.”

Spike checked out her minions, “Is that what those circus freaks are?”

“Uh huh. I mean... shut up!”

Spike grinned

“We’re gonna kill the Slayer.”

“Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one, or at least get your own tune.”

“I’m not gonna make the same mistakes you did. I’ve been doing my homework, reading books and stuff.”

“What, Evil for Dummies?” Spike walked around her. “Look at you, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you’re the new Big Bad. It’s, uh... well, let’s face it, it’s adorable.”

“You just can’t stand the fact that I’m my own person now. There comes a time in every woman’s life when she realizes she needs to take the next step. I’ve taken it. I’ve found the real me... and I like her.”

Spike moved closer to her during this speech, until their faces were inches away.

“Hope you’ll be very happy together. In the meantime, save Slayer slaying for the professionals.”

Harmony sighed, “You’ll see. Buffy’ll be dead by sunrise. I’ve got a plan.”

Chuckling, Spike said, “Lemme guess. Snatch one of her friends, use ‘em as bait, lead her into a trap. That sort of thing?”

Bluffing, Harmony said, “No! Much, much better one.”

Spike looked sceptical.

“I’m not gonna tell you!”

“Thought as much. Best of luck. Let me know how this arch-villain thing works out for you.” Spike backed away and walked off.

“I’ll do that.” Harmony shouted after him. “And after Buffy is gone? I’m gonna kill everybody in this town that was ever mean to me... Spike!”

Spike waved an impatient hand over his shoulder as he walked off. Harmony sighed, then turned back to the minions.

Smiling, Harmony said, “Guys! New plan.”

Buffy was laying out a huge array of stakes and crosses on her bed as Michael watched.

“That’s a lot of weapons for somebody you weren’t sweating twenty minutes ago.” Michael said.

“Well, that was before Dawn gave Harmony a backstage pass to kill us all in our sleep.”