The Reluctant Journey Ch. 10

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Darlin92
Darlin92
797 Followers

"You're mine." He growled in her ear irritably. Strangely enough he could smell the alcohol on his own breath, reminding him of its presence.

"Cain, please! You're hurting me!" She screamed desperately. Cain frowned, he wasn't actively trying to hurt her. He just wanted her to stay still, to stop trying to get away. He lifted his weight and flipped her over quickly to face him. He held his weight on his forearms. He wanted to get sick when he saw her pain filled expression. "Cain, please," she repeated, softly this time as torrents of tears leaked down her face, "you're hurting me."

Cain woke up with his head on his desk. He felt physically ill from the emotional turmoil of the too vivid dream. He sat back in his chair and took deep breaths with his eyes closed. Cain could feel a tension headache starting to form. He had tons of paperwork to sift through after his brief hiatus from his home office. He was also personally involved in future arrangements for Malia's family. He would rather them be gone sooner rather than later. Except that wasn't exactly true. He didn't want Malia to leave. She was funny and beautiful and so innocently sexy it made him ache. He didn't want her to leave because if she left it would just be him and his responsibilities again.

It was selfish and she didn't deserve it. He was hurting her, he knew he was, but he couldn't give her what she wanted. He was too damaged to be in a relationship with Malia. He wasn't able to be a husband and a father, like she would expect, like she deserved. She was his escape from responsibility, not an addition to it.

He stared at the papers that scattered across his desk. He needed to work. He'd been telling himself that for the past two hours. Yet all he seemed able to do was sit in the leather office chair and stare at the messy desk, and sleep apparently. Malia's face at dinner had been bothering him all night. It was the same pain filled face that had invaded his dream. He hadn't been able to openly look at her like he'd wanted to, but he'd felt her stare throughout his tasteless dinner. He usually loved watching her eat, her face was so expressive as she enjoyed the various courses. He'd consciously avoided even glancing her way though, not in front of everyone, not when he couldn't keep his own emotions under control. But he'd gotten the chance to look at her, just once, when her mother had asked her to join her for a walk. Malia hadn't been looking at him but he could see the pain nonetheless.

He wanted her so badly. He wanted to be able to kiss her again and show her all of the things she'd been missing. He could still see how she looked at him wet from the rain and pinned to the tree by his own body. She was so sexy. He also wanted to talk to her though, he wanted to make sure she was okay. He wanted to goad her into saying something deliciously smart-alecky. She had a quick with that brought out his competitive nature. He loved to verbally battle with her and see who would come out on top.

The phone rang, making him jump and interrupting his musings. He picked it up, annoyed. "Yes?" His voice was abrupt.

"Master Cain, I'm sorry to interrupt you sir." It was Jepson. Cain sighed. The old man had been working at the manor since before Cain was born. He was traditional, running things the way Cain's father had.

"It's fine Jepson." Cain interrupted an apology he didn't deserve from the old man. "And it's just Cain."

"Yes sir." Jepson answered, though Cain knew it was useless to try and correct him. "Miss Milly Clayton is requesting entrance into the manor. She wishes to speak with you sir."

Cain sighed. "Transfer the call to me Jepson, but don't open the gate."

"Yes sir." He answered professionally.

Milly didn't wait for something as tedious as a 'hello'. "Cain!" She yelled into the receiver and he moved it slightly away from his face. "Your security team isn't letting me in." She sounded comically outraged.

"You don't live her Milly." He explained, as if speaking to a child.

She paused, clearly taken aback. "Hmm, am I to take it that Cain Malcolm does not wish for the pleasure of my company?"

"As the screened phone calls didn't seem to make much of an impression I figured a reinforced wrought iron gate might do the trick."

She laughed snidely. "Well, well, we are feeling testy tonight. Problems with the equipment Cain?"

"Go home Milly." He sighed. Milly's manipulative banter was like a sordid parody of Malia's quick wit. Milly paused for a moment.

"How has you cousin been Cain? The young girl staying with you while her parents are away." She clarified.

"Why do you ask?" Cain guessed Milly was talking about Malia. A cold chill ran up his spine at the bitch's interest.

"So touchy. I'm simply politely inquiring." Nothing Milly did was simple. She was the definition of conniving.

"Milly I want you to listen to me well. You and me are long over. There is nothing now or in the future between us. You are going to go home and end all contact with myself as well as anyone associated with me personally. Milly you do not want to get on my bad side, I assure you." His voice sounded cold and menacing, even to himself.

"Wow, very intimidating General." She replied unfazed. "I do believe I've heard that tone before, but I've never had the pleasure of having the words aimed at myself. I'd reconsider who doesn't want to get on whoms bad side Cain." With that she hung up. Cain gritted his teeth and used all of his restraint to gently set the handset back down.

The restraint it took, however, seemed to completely deplete his reserve and he found himself getting up and leaving his office. He didn't think too much about the hallways he was taking until he was directly in front of a tall white closed door in a silent hall with similarly closed doors on all sides. This wasn't a good idea, he thought briefly before opening the door as quietly as possible and slipping inside.

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Malia had visited with her sister after dinner, they'd briefly talked about their less than certain future. She felt guilty that she wanted to be alone all night when she hadn't interacted with any of them in so long. She just felt like she needed to think. She needed to let the advice her mother had given her simmer in her mind. Gwen had visited her after her sister had left. It had seemed like she wasn't going to get the chance to be alone until late into the night.

However, Malia had welcomed Gwen's visit. She was more animated than she had ever seen her. She'd told Malia about kissing Tristan and her subsequent embarrassment. Malia was ecstatic and happy to be focusing on someone else for once.

"It was exactly everything I ever thought it would be." Gwen had said excitedly. "Except more, you know?"

Unfortunately she did know. Malia simply nodded, not wanting to take any feelings of optimism away from her friend. Gwen had sobered, however.

"It's just, he hasn't done anything since. Like at all." Gwen frowned. "I just wonder if he didn't feel the same connection that I did. Maybe he just wants to be friends." She then looked sad. "Maybe he just wants to go back to a professional relationship."

"I highly doubt that." Malia had laughed. "You are gorgeous Gwen. Like beauty queen, goddess-like gorgeous. He's probably just as insecure as you are, which is unfounded in both of your cases. You should talk to him. Talk to him like you're talking to me now." Malia smiled reassuringly at her.

She smiled back. She was finding herself, Malia could see. "You're right. Thank you Malia, I wouldn't have talked to him in the first place if it weren't for you."

"I didn't do anything." Malia replied.

"You did. You're so courageous, and you don't even see it. When I left my home, my family, I was absolutely terrified. I did so willingly and knowingly. You were taken forcefully from yours and you had the courage and will to fight for your family, for yourself. You're brave Malia, and stronger than you realize." Gwen seemed to see that Malia needed to be alone then. "Thanks for listening to me." She smiled. "I'm going to get some sleep and think about what I'm going to say to Tristan. You should sleep too, you've had a busy day."

"Geez you've gotten downright bossy Gwen." Malia smiled. "Shut up already." She said in jest.

Gwen smiled and stuck out her tongue at Malia as she left the room.

Malia was exhausted, but her mind refused to take the hint. She laid on her side and thought about Cain. She felt like there was an inherent attraction between them, uncontrollable and instinctive. But would the feeling last forever? She desperately hoped not, not if she couldn't be with him. Her mother had told her he didn't deserve her, she was probably right. But it wasn't about equality and fairness, it was emotional. Right now her emotions were telling her to do whatever possible to be with Cain.

She could go to him. She could tell him that she wanted whatever relationship they could have, even if that meant purely physical. It was so tempting. Instant gratification, and it would most certainly be oh so gratifying. Maybe they would even grow to have a future. He could fall in love with her eventually.

The thought made her stomach clench. How pathetic a picture she would make, waiting for him to deign to love her one day. Her mother was right, Gwen was right, she didn't deserve that. She was stronger than that. She'd come to the manor with a will to fight him, to be reunited with her family at any cost. And yet somewhere along the line she'd lost that strength. She felt like she'd been a puppet to his will lately. Malia clenched on to that anger because it was preferable to the pain.

On that thought the door to her bedroom opened quietly, silhouetting a tall figure briefly before it closed again just as quietly. She knew that figure, intimately. She turned on the small lamp that was on the nightstand. Cain looked surprised as he stood just inside of the door.

"Oh, you're up."

"I am." She sounded blunt, spurred on by her recent track of thoughts. "What are you doing her Cain?"

He was slightly taken aback by her tone. As had always been the case, he didn't respond well to her authoritative streak. "I live here." He stepped closer to her bed, substantially more confident. She sat up against the headboard and folded her arms across her chest.

"Did you want something?" She sounded even more irritated, because she was.

He laughed sardonically. "Little girl, I want quite a few things." He looked her over lecherously, clearly trying to get a reaction. When she stared back at him unamused he sighed resignedly. "I wanted to make sure you were okay."

"I'm fine, thank you." She said dismissively. He clenched his jaw, aggravated at her response.

"If tonight was your version of fine, you should invest in acting classes."

"Why? Because it would be incomprehensible that someone should not hang on your every word. I'm surprised that no one jumped your bones right there at the dinner table, with females being in your presence."

"Keep your voice down." He growled, looking downright angry.

Malia laughed snidely. "That's right, you're trying to play knight in shining armor now. Please, if one of us is failing at fooling anyone it's you Cain. My parents have seen you for the person you really are from the beginning."

"Malia." He said warningly.

"What Cain. I should be quiet? You came in here. Why? To see if I was okay? Of course I'm not okay Cain. Did you think that I was okay, that I would just be okay? I'm trying here." It took everything she had to keep the tears that threatened to fall at bay, but she did. "I can't be with you Cain, not if you don't want me. And if I can't be with you, then I need to learn to be without you. I'm trying." She repeated. She clenched her jaw as hard as she could to keep from breaking down. The fact that she accomplished it gave her a minuscule twinge of pride.

Cain looked highly taken aback. She needed him to leave. If she was going to stay strong, to not burst into tears, she needed him to leave. But she desperately wanted him to come to her. She wanted him to tell her that he wanted her just as badly as she wanted him. She wanted to hear that he loved her, that she was more than another lay to him. She wanted him to just kiss her, to just offer a sliver of hope that they could one day be something more. If that thought made her pathetic or weak she would live with that. If only she could have him it would be well worth it.

Cain nodded and turned to walk to the door. He left without looking back and closed the door behind him. Malia felt a very real physical pain in her chest as that door latched closed. Her heart had finally broken. There was no hope for any of girlish dreams. Cain didn't care about her and he never would.

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Cain threw up in the trash can in his room's kitchenette. God what was wrong with him! Why the fuck had he gone in to see her? She was right, he couldn't be involved with her emotions if he wasn't willing to tell her that he loved her too. And he wasn't ready for that. But something was bothering him, literally making him sick.

'I can't be with you Cain, not if you don't want me' She'd said so matter of factly. Of course he fucking wanted her, he wanted her more than he'd wanted anyone before in his life. But it wasn't enough, and it never would be. He would never be able to live up to what she deserved. He'd wronged her so much already. He was trying to fix his problems, not make them worse.

Even with all of his success, he felt like a chronic fuck-up. His father had seen that side of him, not because he was an unsatisfiable man, but because that side of Cain had always been there. Cain had the potential to do whatever he set his mind to, but there was the part of him that would always work to undermine his progress. He couldn't pretend with Malia. Cain felt like his life was just one wrong move from crumbling around him all the time and he would not bring other people into that, not people he cared about. Tristan was his brother, Finn was his friend, he couldn't change that, but he would not bring another person into his life that he knew he would only eventually disappoint.

But it hurt more than he thought it would, seeing her in pain. He missed her so much. She felt like the missing piece of himself, every aspect of him that was lacking. Why the fuck not just get it over with, Cain thought, as he poured amber poison into a crystal glass. If he couldn't have Malia he could have this. He shot the drink back, ending seven years of sobriety. It burnt as it went down, though not the satisfying burn of his dream.

He needed more than one drink to get the picture of Malia out of his head. He threw the glass across the room and grabbed the bottle. Damn it he needed the blissful cloudiness quicker than he could get it. He slunk down into the beige lounge, bottle pressed against his lips. He knew he would end up here one day, staying sober was just prolonging the inevitable. He would feel better, just as soon as the bottle was empty. Then it would be okay again.

His door opened without any preamble. He didn't bother to look over, he simply took another long swig.

"What the fuck are you doing?" Tristan asked harshly as he walked over to Cain. Cain took another quick drink before Tristan could grab the bottle from him viciously. Cain didn't try to fight him for it. "What are you doing?!" He repeated angrily.

Cain finally looked at his younger brother. Tristan looked shocked and furious, and maybe a little hurt, but Cain's vision was slightly blurry now so he couldn't be sure. He was wearing boxers and a t-shirt, clearly having been woken up. "What does it look like I'm doing?" Cain answered. "I'm enjoying a drink."

"Yeah? So that's the plan? Just throw seven fucking years away Cain? You're just going to give everything up and go back to that asshole you were before?" Tristan sounded very angry.

"What's it to you? I get it Tristan, I fucked your whole life up. I'll never be able to live it down okay. So sorry, sorry I'm such a shitty brother, such a shitty person. I should have just left seven years ago."

"No, you don't get to use that as an excuse for this. I have never held that night against you Cain. If you feel guilty, that's on you. I have never given you a guilt trip about what was an accident. I'm sorry you think that you've ruined my life. Clearly we have different perspectives on that, because my life has never been in a better place than it is right now. If you got your head out of your ass you might be able to see that. But no, you're so worried about making things even that you can't see anything that's right in front of you. I don't give a shit about what happened seven years ago. But tonight? This?" He motioned to the bottle in his hand. "I'm not going to do this again. I will not watch you do this to yourself again."

This is where a younger Cain would have told his brother to go to hell, but he didn't feel that emptiness anymore. The alcohol wasn't taking away his guilt, his responsibility. Instead he felt unbearably vulnerable. He barely made it to the trash can again before he got sick. "I think I'm in love with her Tristan." He mumbled, his head still in the trash can.

Tristan waited until Cain stood again, still feeling nauseated. "That's a good thing right? She loves you, you love her."

Cain just shook his head.

"Cain, don't think about what she should feel or what you should feel, who deserves or doesn't deserve whom. If you do love her, then you of all people can find a way to make it work." He raised the bottle again and looked menacing. "But this, this isn't the way to accomplish that, to accomplish anything."

"It's just." Cain frowned, trying to voice more feelings than he was comfortable sharing. "I feel like I'm not in control of anything anymore. The only time I wasn't in control before, it wasn't good. You know?"

"You can't control other people Cain. You have to trust people to love them. You need to trust that Malia won't let you get to that place again because she loves you. Just like I won't let you get there again."

Cain shook his head in denial. "No one could stop me before. I couldn't stop myself. It's like I wasn't in control of my own body anymore Tristan, you don't understand. I'm terrified of loosing my control like that again. But part of me wants it, desperately, and that terrifies me."

"You aren't twenty-one anymore Cain. The fact that you're scared of loosing control shows me just how much you've changed. The old you didn't give a shit, about anyone or anything. You're not going to turn into that person again Cain." He sounded absolutely adamant, completely sure of himself.

Cain's head was spinning. He needed to pull himself together. Tristan was right. He'd worked too fucking hard to throw everything away now. If he couldn't live without Malia, he would find a way to have her with him. He would beg for forgiveness on his knees to her parents if he had to. The feeling that he might just love her too made him feel sick to his stomach, which wasn't exactly reassuring. But he suddenly had an overwhelming desire to go back to her. He needed to tell her that he wanted her. She needed to hear that he cared about her immensely, and maybe, just maybe he even loved her too. She didn't have to find the blond douche to fill her with babies. That thought was reassuring. He surprisingly didn't feel any fear in thinking about having children with Malia. He could raise kids, if he set his mind to it, if Malia was there to help him. He was getting way to far ahead of himself. He needed to go to her first and foremost.

Cain walked back to the room he'd recently fled, leaving Tristan in his own room without an explanation. He wasn't nearly as conscious about the noise he was making this time around. He would feel okay once he told her. They could be together. They would figure it out together. He opened the door and turned on the light-switch. It only took him a second to take in the empty bed. Malia wasn't there. Then he noticed turned over nightstand by the balcony doors which were now open. Cain's heart sank into his stomach.

Darlin92
Darlin92
797 Followers