tagHumor & SatireThe Repair Shop

The Repair Shop

byXicotencatlSmith©

Joe's Cyborg Repair was a busy place on a Monday morning. The customer waited in the lobby, awkwardly holding a shoe box on his lap, positive that the other men waiting were staring at him.

"Everyone else is just here for minor repairs or tune-ups, no doubt," the customer thought to himself glumly.

The receptionist had warned him that he'd have to wait for quite a while to see the mechanic. She was right. It was nearly noon before someone missed an appointment and opened a place on the mechanic's schedule for him.

"Mr. Johnson?"

"Yes," the customer replied hurriedly, standing up and trotting obediently after the receptionist. She led him to the garage.

"Wait here. The mechanic will be right with you."

"Thank you," he replied.

At least the wait for the mechanic was short, as the customer hardly had a chance to read any of the posters before the mechanic himself arrived, sweeping into the room with a smile as white as his meticulous uniform.

"Mr. Johnson! Sorry about the wait, but Monday is our busiest day, you know."

"That's all right, doctor. I know you are awfully busy today. I'm glad you found a way to fit me in," he replied.

"So, the nurse tells me you suffered a catastrophic failure . . ." the mechanic said, now studying the chart as he spoke. "Complete separation?"

"Yes, sir," the customer replied nervously.

"Well, that's no good, is it?" the mechanic noted with good humor, trying to put the man at ease. "We'll get you right as rain, Mr. Johnson. I assume that's it there in the shoe-box?"

The customer handed the box over to the mechanic, who opened it and discovered that Mr. Johnson had wrapped his penis in a towel. He deftly removed the cock from the towel and placed it on the sterile work table.

"Wow. It really did come right off. And the testicles are still firmly attached?"

"Yes, sir. At least I think they are firmly attached still."

"So it wasn't a ball joint failure. That's usually what it is when they fall off completely; a bad ball joint. But still, we'll check the testicles to make sure before we send you out of here."

The customer watched nervously as the mechanic examined the penis.

"What's the make and model again, Mr. Johnson."

"It's just an '92 Ford Caucasian, six inches with a wide body enhancement."

"Standard or automatic?"

"Standard."

"Mmm-hmm . . ." the mechanic murmured. "Let's check the odometer."

The customer winced as the mechanic took a scalpel and made an incision near the head of the penis. "I didn't even know it had an odometer," he ventured.

"Oh yes, standard equipment," the mechanic replied. He checked the odometer reading carefully. "Alrighty, you've logged 320 miles since you had this penis installed."

"Is that a lot?"

"It depends. I've got to ask you some personal questions now, Mr Johnson."

"Okay."

"Are you heterosexual?"

"Yes, but does that really matter?"

"Oh, goodness gracious yes! Now if all the miles you are logging are vagina miles that may be what's happening. The vagina is incredibly tough. Ass miles are nothing compared to it. In all my years I've never seen a penis that would wear out before the ass that it was fucking."

"Really? I thought the ass was tighter than the vagina."

"Here again, it depends on the ass, but I've found that people tend to go along with the fucking much more cautiously when they are off-roading their penis into an ass. Not only do they go relatively slowly in the ass, they are much more likely to use synthetic lubricants. It means there's a lot less wear on the penis in those situations."

"I see," replied the customer.

"Now, how hard would you say that you fuck?"

"How hard do I fuck?"

"Yes, on average."

"I don't rightly know, doctor. I reckon pretty hard. That's the way my wife likes it."

"Would you say you fuck hard the whole time, or do you make sweet, sweet love for a while and then really pound it on the home stretch?"

"I would say I probably pound it the whole time."

"How long is an average love session? Try not to exaggerate, just try to be as accurate as possible."

"Sure, doc. I'd say probably about fifteen minutes, on an ordinary night. Special occasions we go longer."

The mechanic made some notes. "And about how deep to you go on an average stroke?"

The customer thought about it. "All the way, or pretty close to it."

"And how about when you pull back for the next stroke?"

"I pull all the way back."

"All the way? Are you sure about that? You are completely clearing the vagina entrance and then going all the way back in?"

"Oh, no sir. I'm not doing that."

"Would it be safe to say you leave at least the head in?"

"The head and probably a little bit of the shaft, I suppose."

"That would make your penis's fuck cycle about eight inches. After the initial penetration, you go four inches in, four inches out for every stroke. That's exactly average for a six-inch penis. Okay, let's do some math here," the mechanic said, turning his notepad so the customer could follow the calculations. "If you average a hard fuck of one stroke per second for fifteen minutes, that's 900 strokes at eight inches a stroke . . . so you are putting about 600 feet of distance on your penis every time you have sex. With me so far?"

"Yes, I think so."

"Now, you have 320 vagina miles on the odometer. 5,280 feet in a mile, divided by 600 feet per sex episode. That means, on average, it takes you only 8.8 sexual encounters to go a full vagina mile. 320 times 8.8, and that means you've had sex 2816 times, give or take."

"Wow."

"That's what I thought. You put on the form that you've had the penis for ten years now?"

"Yes, sir. I bought it new when I got married."

"So that means you've averaged over 280 sexual encounters a year. That's impressive. But let me ask something else. What's your masturbation frequency?"

"Not all that often. I know everyone says that, but I've been married the whole time so I've never been without sex for long enough to jack off, not that my wife would let me anyway. My wife is Italian, has one of them high performance vaginas, and she wants it almost every day."

"How about anal sex or oral sex?"

"Sometimes. Special occasions, and usually just as foreplay."

"So it would be safe to say that almost all of your mileage is vagina mileage?" The mechanic asked, and the customer nodded in reply. "That explains a lot."

"Is that why it fell off?"

"Probably. Like I said, usually it's the ball joint that fails because people abuse the orgasm mechanism, but in your case it looks like the hydraulics might have gone out and caused the shaft to fail."

"Can it be fixed? I can't really afford a new penis right now."

"Sure, it can be fixed. We won't be able to get to it until later this week, at the earliest. We'll do a complete rebuild and it will work just fine, but remember that nothing is going to roll back that odometer."

"I see."

"Well, Mr. Johnson, you've got excellent penis insurance," the mechanic noted, reading the chart again. "I see that covers a loaner penis while we're working on yours."

"That's right."

"I see that your policy specifies a Honda or equivalent for the loaner. We've got a black stretch sport utility penis, a Cadillac Gladiator, that I will have the nurse attach for the same rate."

"Gosh, thanks doc!"

"No problem," the mechanic said, scribbling on a notepad. "I'm going to write a prescription for you that I want you to show your wife. It will specify that more anal sex, more blowjobs. Try jacking off and cumming on her tits at least once a week. I'm not saying to abstain from sex, just do anything that will reduce the amount of vagina mileage you put on your penis. When you do have regular sex, I want you to slow it down. The Cadillac will help. I don't care if she is driving a Ferrari, the size of that Cadillac will slow her down some. But when you get your regular penis back, try slowing it down even more. Make sweet, sweet love; no more than ten or twelve strokes a minute. I want you to limit the hard pounding to the last five minutes, tops."

"I understand," the customer said as the mechanic ripped the prescription off the pad and handed it to him.

The mechanic smiled kindly. "It's not the end of the world Mr. Johnson. Your rebuilt penis will give you many more years of reliable service as long as you use it wisely."

"Yeah, doc. I understand. I just never realized that I was abusing it."

"Well, you were using your penis harder than most people use theirs," the mechanic agreed, nodding his head. "But you weren't exactly abusing it. A lot of people don't realize how important a good sexual variety is for a couple; not just for the women, but for men as well. The modern penis is built for plenty of pounding, but it's never going to keep up with a vagina in the long run if you don't vary your technique. You can't drive your penis on overdrive all the time and not end up breaking something."

"I know that now," the customer said, trying to laugh.

"Alright, Mr. Johnson. I'm out of here. While you wait, go ahead and take off your pants, and open your private maintenance hatch for her. The nurse will come in and get that loaner attached for you and help you fill out the claim form. I'll have someone from the office call you when we've got your penis rebuilt."

"Thanks again, doc.

"No problem, Mr. Johnson."

The mechanic left the customer in the office garage and called to his receptionist for the next patient.

"Service bay four, Doctor. His chart is on the door."

"Thanks, Sally. And tell Nurse Ratchet to fit Mr. Johnson in Bay Two with the Cadillac as a loaner penis. Tell her to make sure the nuts are tight while she's at it."

"Sure thing, Doctor."

The mechanic studied the chart of his next customer. Some cosmetic damage from an accidental bite during oral sex.

"I hope it doesn't take too long to buff it out," he thought as he opened the door. "I'm never going to make my tee time if we get any more backed up."

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