The Replacement

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Buffy looked annoyed.

Smiling smugly, Dawn said, “She didn’t say I couldn’t stand here.”

Buffy was also smiling smugly, “Hm.”

Buffy shut the door in Dawn’s face.

“Ow!”

Buffy went back to the bed and straddled Michael’s legs.

“I’m so glad I’m an only child.” Michael said and put one hand on Buffy’s cheek.

“You don’t know how lucky you are.”

Buffy put one hand on top of Michael’s. Buffy then pulled it away from her face and looked at it.

“Hey, your sleeves.”

“What?” Michael asked, a little confused.

“They come down over your palms.”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know, it’s kinda cute.”

“Mm-hm.”

“You know what cute leads to…”

Buffy pushed Michael, so he was lying down on the bed. Buffy leaned down and kissed him. Michael reached up to grope Buffy’s breasts, but she stopped him.

“Ah, good things come to those who wait.” Buffy said.

“And how are you gonna stop me from groping you?”

“I’m stronger than you, I can do what ever I like to you.” Buffy said and pinned Michael’s arms to her bed.

“Fine, two can play at that game.”

His undivine attention won

She deftly spun

From ‘neath His thrusts to writhe above

In ecstasy

Pendulous She swung

As is Her limbs imbibed his tongue

To spill, as with his rod

The secret name of God

Michael would have continued singing if Buffy hadn’t shoved her tongue down his throat.

Spike was in his crypt, arranging a mannequin. The mannequin was from the waist up only; it had no legs. Spike arranged its clothing, then turned away and took a long blonde wig from his shopping cart and carefully placed it on the dummy’s head. He smiled slightly.

“Very posh.”

He turned away as if to get something else, but suddenly whirled and aimed a kick at the mannequin. It fell over and its head came off, bouncing on the floor. Spike kicked it into the air and caught it. The wig was still on. Spike held the head up and gazed at it.

“Oh, Slayer.” He rubbed his thumb along its cheek. “One of these days....”

On a construction site various men and machines were working. Suave Xander approached a rack where a bunch of hard-hats were hanging. He picked up the one marked ‘Harris’ and put it on before walking off.

Suave Xander was wearing the hardhat, gloves, and safety goggles, using some kind of noisy power tool on a piece of wood. A guy walked up behind him. It was his boss.

“Hey Harris!” He got no reaction. He yelled louder. “Harris!”

Suave Xander turned off the tool, “Harris, right. Yeah.”

“In my trailer, okay? I’m talking to all the guys today. The job’s winding down.”

“Right, I’ll... be right there.”

The boss walked off as Suave Xander put down the tool.

Scruffy Xander was hiding behind a Porta-Loo, watching. He was still wearing the yellow t-shirt and flowered shirt over it, now looking extremely dirty. His hair was dishevelled.

Suave Xander walked toward the boss’ trailer.

Scruffy Xander muttered to himself, “Welcome to payback, mister evil-plan-face-stealer. You take my life, you get my being fired absolutely free.”

Suave Xander walked across the site, smoothly ducking underneath a big pipe being carried by two guys.

The door of the Porta-Loo opened and smacked Scruffy Xander in the face. A hard-hatted guy, exiting the Porta-Loo, looked at Scruffy Xander as he put a hand to his face.

“Harris. Where’s your hard hat?”

Scruffy Xander made a face and walked off.

Inside the boss’ trailer.

“Sit down.” The boss said.

Suave Xander did so, putting his hard hat on the desk.

Scruffy Xander was outside, he was trying to look through the window but it was too high.

“How long you work here, Harris?”

Suave Xander had something shiny in his hand, about the size and shape of a US quarter. He was turning it around in his fingers.

“Huh? I’m not sure.”

“About three months?”

“I guess, yeah.”

Scruffy Xander was trying to make a table to stand on, by pulling together some random pieces of wood that were lying around. He climbed up on it and peered in the window.

“And you haven’t done much construction work before this, is that right?”

“I knew they were gonna notice that.” Scruffy Xander said to himself.

“I have to tell you, that’s surprising... ‘cause your work here has been first-rate. Yeah, we have another job lined up in Carlton when you’re finished here.”

The shiny thing in Suave Xander’s hand was reflecting the light onto the boss’ face and chest.

“You ever think about staying on full-time?”

“What? Why isn’t he firing me... him?” Scruffy Xander said to himself.

“I was thinking that I’d have you head up our interior carpentry crew...” The shiny thing in Suave Xander’s hand, was still reflecting the light. “… see how it goes. It’s more responsibility, but the pay is better.”

Enthusiastically, Suave Xander said, “That would be great.”

“Promotion? But I… I mean, he didn’t… Doesn’t he see the shiny thing?” Scruffy Xander gestured angrily at the window. This caused him to lose his balance and fall off his perch.

The boss shook Suave Xander’s hand.

“Congratulations, Harris. You and your girl should go out and celebrate.”

Suave Xander said, “I already have an idea how.”

The For Rent sign had gone from the apartment building, that night.

Suave Xander was filling out forms while the manager lady watched. He was still wearing the khaki pants and blue shirt, but now with a brown suit jacket over it.

“I was going to call you, Mr. Harris, let you know your credit checked out fine, but… I really didn’t think you’d be back.” The Manager said.

Out in the hallway Scruffy Xander was listening in, crouching on the floor.

“‘Mister Harris.’ Yeah, right.” Scruffy Xander said to himself.

“I’m sure you’ll like the building…” the Manager said, smiling, “… I think someone said you’re currently in your parents’ basement?”

“Right. There comes a point where you either have to move on, or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and… go with it.”

The Manager laughed a little more than necessary.

“Well...” she said picking up the documents. “I hope you’ll be happy here, Mr. Harris. We’re certainly happy to have you.”

“Thank you.” Suave Xander said, he was doing the trick with the shiny thing again.

“And if you... need anything... day, or night... please. Call me.”

Suave Xander grinned.

“I, um... I’m leaving my home number here...”

“She’s coming on to him… me!” Scruffy Xander said to himself.

“Call me.” She handed Suave Xander her card. “Even for, you know… non-business stuff. Maybe we could, uh, do something?”

“Please, lady, that is so not me. He’s too clean for one thing. And his socks are all matchy.” Scruffy Xander said to himself.

Scruffy Xander leapt aside as the door opened. He rushed to hide around the corner.

In the doorway the Manager said, “Remember… any time.”

She closed the door and walked off.

Inside apartment Suave Xander was dialling the phone.

“Anya, you there... Look, I know you’re still mad, but… I figure you’re probably sitting there pretending you’re not home but listening anyway.”

In Anya’s apartment she was standing there in a bathrobe, still with her arm in sling, listening to Suave Xander on the answering machine.

“Am not.” She said to the machine.

“Look, I have something to show you. Meet me at the apartment. You know the one. Nine o’clock.”

Anya looked conflicted.

In hallway outside Xander’s apartment the door opened and Suave Xander came out. He closed the door, locked it with the key. Scruffy Xander came out from around the corner and leapt on Suave Xander’s back, yelling.

“Yaah!”

Suave Xander threw him off and Scruffy Xander fell down. He got up and they stared at each other. Suave Xander punched Scruffy Xander in the face. He went down again, clutching his nose.

“I won’t let you do this!” Scruffy Xander said.

“What’s going on down there?” asked a female neighbour.

“You can’t do this to me!”

Suave Xander turned and ran off. Scruffy Xander groaned and clutched his face.

“Oh, man, I need Buffy.” Scruffy Xander said to himself.

In Sunnydale that night it poured with rain. Scruffy Xander ran across the courtyard outside Giles’ apartment, soaking wet.

“No, no. He looked exactly like me.” Suave Xander was saying.

Scruffy Xander went to the window and saw Suave Xander talking to Michael, Buffy, and Giles.

“It stole my face. We have to find it, and we have to kill it.”

Scruffy Xander turned away.

“She sees it’s not me. Please, Buffy… resist his spell. Do this for me.” Scruffy Xander said and turned to look in the window again.

“Don’t worry, Xander. Whatever stole your face, it has to deal with the Slayer now.” Buffy said to Suave Xander.

Scruffy Xander stared through the window in alarm.

Willow entered her bedroom, carrying some books. A moment later the door burst open and Scruffy Xander came in, thoroughly drenched.

“Don’t be scared, Will. Just listen. It’s me, Xander.”

Willow put her books on the bed, looking confused.

“And I can prove it.”

“Um ... okay.” Willow sat on the bed.

“Let’s see.” Xander paced. “Stuff only you and me know. Okay! On my seventh birthday… I wanted a toy fire truck, and I didn’t get it, and you were real nice about it, and then the house next door burnt down, and then real fire trucks came, and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me.” He grinned nervously. Willow didn’t respond. He paced more. “For a while last year, I thought I was lactose-intolerant, but it was just some bad Brie. Oh!” He pointed at Willow. “Every Christmas, we watch Charlie Brown together, and I do the Snoopy dance.”

He began to do the Snoopy dance, wearing a big grin. Willow watched for a moment and then got up.

Smiling Willow said, “Xander... stop dancing.”

“Aha! You called me Xander!”

“Xander, shut up! Why wouldn’t I think you were Xander?”

“Oh. Huh.”

“What’s goin’ on?”

Xander sighed, “Okay. I woke up in the dump this morning.”

“Xander, the basement isn’t a dump. It, it’s more like a really nice hovel.”

“No. The dump. The city dump. I got hit last night, fall down boom, woke up this morning.”

“Nuh uh! We walked you home last night, remember?” Willow sat down on bed again.

“You walked? Will. Did I do anything weird? Did I wave any shiny things around?”

“Shiny things, what are you talking about?”

“Last night, that wasn’t me. There’s a double out there. Some… thing has stolen my face, and it’s going around pretending to be me, and it’s hypnotizing people. It even got to Buffy and Giles and Michael. It’s over there right now and they have no idea.”


“What’s intriguing me is that there are any number of demons with the ability to mimic a simple form, but, uh… this sounds like more than that.” Giles said.

“Hold up. Do we really have to figure out what it is? Let’s just go kill it.” Suave Xander said.

“Yeah. When the impostor’s killed, the body’ll probably turn back into whatever it really is, and then we’ll know.” Michael said,

“Toth!” Buffy said.

They both looked at her.

“The demon with the creepy stick thing.”

Thoughtfully, Suave Xander said, “Toth.”

“It’s gotta be! He hit Xander with that blast, and somehow it allowed him to take Xander’s form. Couldn’t that be what the creepy stick thing did?”

“Yes... I suppose, yes, yes, it makes sense. A shape-shifting device.” Giles moved toward his bookshelves.

“It does make sense. It must be Toth.” Suave Xander said.

Willow and Scruffy Xander were sitting side-by-side on the bed. He was wringing out his wet clothing.

Angrily Scruffy Xander said, “It’s a robot. It’s an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me designed to do evil.”

“Uh huh. Or it’s Toth.” Willow said.

Still angrily, “Or, it’s Toth.”

“I was gonna look for Toth anyway. Guess now I start… looking for you.” Buffy said.

“Should I go with you? I… told Anya to meet me at my new place. I’d feel a whole lot better knowing she’s safe from this creep.” Suave Xander said.

Buffy nodded, “Go be with her. I, I mean, if you were out there looking for the double too…” she looked at Michael, then back at Suave Xander, “let’s just say that I wouldn’t wanna run into you and kill the wrong one.”

“Good thinking. When you kill this thing, you better make sure you got the one’s who’s actually…” Suave Xander said.

“A demon. A demon has taken my life from me, and he’s living it better than I do.” Scruffy Xander said.

He was now standing and had his Hawaiian shirt in his hands. He gave it a shake to remove the water. Willow was still sitting on the bed, and winced as the water sprayed her.

“Well, we’re working on it. There has to be a way to get to Buffy to… unhypnotize her. I’ll find a spell to snap her out of it.” Willow stood up and went to her bookcase.

Sourly, Xander said, “Right. Whatever.”

Willow turned back to him, “Xander, you sound a little… “But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.”

“That’s not true! Sometimes we all helped save you.” Willow realized that was unhelpful. “And sometimes you’re not in trouble.”

They both sat on the bed again.

“I’m just… another great humiliation.” Xander said and Willow looked sympathetic. “But this time it’s even worse. This demon, he’s like taking my life, and everyone’s treating him... Everyone’s treating him like a grown-up! Will, I’m starting to feel like…”

“Like what?”

“Like... he’s doing everything better. He’s smarter, and...” Xander shook head. “I don’t know, maybe I should just let him have it. Take my life, please.”

“Xander, no!” Willow put hand on his shoulder. “You’re just tired, and... and all soggy. That’s why it seems so hard, but you can’t let him just take your whole existence.”

“Why not? It’s not like I was doing anything so great with it. When I get to the pearly gates I’m sure the guy is not gonna go, ‘Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection, come on in!’” Willow was still looking sympathetic. “No, what have I got that’s even worth…” His eyes widened. “Anya!”

“You think he’s after her?”

“She won’t know. He can just... no. No way!” Xander jumped up. “No way. He can take anything, but he can’t have her. I need her.”

Half disgusted, half smiling, Willow said, “Really?”

Desperately, Xander said, “He could be with her right now! Figure out a spell, something... revealy. I gotta find her.” He turned to leave.

“Xander....” Willow said and he turned back. “You already knew he was taking over your life, and... you didn’t think about Anya till just now?”

“Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it.” Xander left.

“I handled it fine.” Willow pouted.

Scruffy Xander burst into Anya’s apartment.

“Anya? An?”

He looked around. There was no one there. He noticed the answering machine blinking and pushed the button.

“Meet me at the apartment. You know the one. 9:00.” Said Suave Xander’s voice on the machine.

Scruffy Xander looked around, ran to a bureau, and started rummaging through the drawers.

“It’s gotta be here. Where is it?”

In his apartment Suave Xander was getting together a bottle of wine and two glasses. Anya stood in the living room, on a blanket that was spread on the floor. A picnic basket was at her feet.

“You’re lying. It’s a trick.” Anya said.

“No. Trust me.”

He walked over with the wine and put it on the floor next to the basket.

“You really got this apartment?”

“I really did. And do you know why?”

Anya looked around.

“The ceiling fans? Very attractive.”

“No. It’s because I knew you wanted it. It’s all for you.”

She moved closer to him and they kissed.

“Anya, you didn’t see me today, did you? I mean; we didn’t talk?”

“What do you mean? I just got your phone message, that’s all.”

“Good.”

They kissed again, knelt and then sat on the blanket.

“So... what happens next?” Anya asked

“Well, at some point we take off our clothes.” Xander said.

“I mean what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car?”

Confused, Xander said, “A car?”

“And a boat. No, wait, I-I don’t mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Just... we have to get going. I don’t have time just to let these things happen.”

“There’s no hurry.”

“Yes there is. There’s a hurry, Xander. I’m dying.”

Xander looked shocked.

“I may have as few as fifty years left.”

“Fifty years? What is thi… Oh, wait a minute. This is about this.” Xander touched her arm in the sling.

“What about the sling?”

“You haven’t been hurt like this since you became human.” Xander said and Anya nodded reluctantly. “Maybe it’s finally hitting you what being human means.”

“No, that’s not it.” Anya said pouting.

“Yes, I think it is. You were gonna live for thousands of years.” Anya nodded again. “And now you’re gonna age and die. That must be terrifying.”

“You don’t understand what it’s like.”

“Being suddenly human? I think I can get what that would be like. And we can get through it together.”

“You can’t make it any different. I’m going to get old. And... you can’t promise you’ll be with me when I’m... wrinkly and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive.”

“No, I can’t promise that. But it doesn’t sound terrible. And that’s saying something.” Anya looked somewhat comforted. “I promise you, Anya. Very soon you won’t be thinking about getting older.”

They smooched.

Suddenly the door burst open and Scruffy Xander rushed in. Suave Xander and Anya looked up.

“Get away from her!” Scruffy Xander said.

“Xander!”

Anya and Suave Xander stood up.

“Xander!” Anya said to Suave Xander.

“Get out. You don’t belong here.” Suave Xander said.

“Anya. It’s me.” Scruffy Xander said.

Anya looked in confusion from one to the other. She started to walk toward Scruffy Xander but Suave Xander stopped her.

“It’s a demon. He stole my face, he’s trying to trick you.”

Anya looked from one to the other, very confused.

“Anya, you know I’m me, right?” Suave Xander said.

“No!” Scruffy Xander said.

Anya looked at Scruffy Xander again and moved closed to Suave Xander.

“What is it? Make it go away.” Anya said to Suave Xander.

In Giles’ apartment Michael was looking at a map. Giles was looking at books.

“So you’re thinking we split up?” Michael asked.

“Yeah, you check the places where he might try and go and blend in as Xander. I’ll check the places where Toth might hang out.” Buffy told him.

The door burst open and Willow entered.

“I swear, this time I know I had that locked.” Giles said a little annoyed.

“Buffy, Toth looks like Xander.” Willow said in a rush.

“We already know. We’re on our way.” Michael said.

“Wait a second, how did you know about this?” Buffy asked.

“He came to me. I-I mean Xander did. And he’s in terrible shape, we need to help him.”

Giles was reading a book, not listening to them.

“He came to us too.” Michael said.

“No. We each had a Xander. I mean… you didn’t have a Xander, you had a, a demon in a Xander suit.” Willow said.

“What makes you so sure that yours is the right one?” Buffy asked.

“He knew stuff! He, he did the Snoopy dance.”

Giles continued reading.

“Buffy, it was Xander, and he needs us.”

“Oh, dear Lord!” Giles exclaimed.

“Buffy, our Xander, did he seem a little…” Michael began.

“He seemed kind of forceful and confident.” Buffy said.

“That’s not Xander.” Willow said.

“I said, ‘Oh, dear lord.’” Giles said.

“You always say that.” Buffy told him.

“Well, it’s always important!” Giles came forward to join them, carrying the book. “Neither Xander is a demon.”

“Um… is one of them a robot?” Willow asked.

“What? No. Um, uh, the rod device, it’s called a ferula-gemina. It splits one person in half, distilling personality traits into two separate bodies. As near as I can tell, Toth was attempting to split the Slayer into two different entities.” Giles handed the book to Willow.