The Sex Education Class

Dear Reader,

This short story is my way of paying tribute to a British actress -Joyce Grenfell. A gifted musician, talented film actress, witty & entertaining writer and of course, Queen of the comic monologue - Joyce Grenfell was a woman of many talents.

In the 50s and 60s she wrote and performed a number of comic monologues centred around a much harassed schoolteacher trying very hard to maintain control over a class of increasingly unruly children.

Although this is not in any way, shape or form, an erotic story I've used its central theme of sex education as a way of slipping it into Literotica. It doesn't do justice to Joyce's own material and as the humour is typically English it may, at first, seem a little strange.

As you probably don't know her, or her work, and I can't produce a photograph of her on these pages, picture, if you will, a tall, thin, angular woman with hair cut back to the base of her neck and permed into curls on top. She had large, prominent teeth, the kind that the mouth can't quite hide, and an aristocratic accent that held her in good stead in the various movie roles she took, notably as Miss Ruby Gates in the St Trinians comedies.

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"Now class we did learn a lot of new things last week didn't we? If you remember we said that when we talk about the birds and the bees we are really talking about people. Well this week we are going to talk about people a little more. Yes Angela that means your mummy and daddy as well. No dear I didn't mean we would talk about them in that way, we are going to talk about them in the way we talked about the birds and the bees last week. Now Angela I thought we already understood that people do the same things as the birds and the bees, so that they can have babies which will grow up into children like yourselves. Yes dear, even your mummy and daddy. Hands up any of you who have a baby brother or sister. See lots of you.

Yes George what is it? No it's not just Angela's mummy and daddy who are like the birds and the bees, everyone's parents are the same. George, perhaps your daddy is more like a big fiery dragon but for today we'll call him a little bee shall we? Yes alright then, a big bird. Right that's settled. George's daddy is a big eagle. Yes Colin your daddy can be an eagle too. No George it's only fair that Colin's daddy can be an eagle. Goodness you don't want your daddy to be the only eagle in the whole world do you? Well we'll leave that for now. Children settle down please just think in your heads what type of bird your mummy and daddy can be. You don't have to shout it out all at once. Sally, I said you don't have to shout…oh… yes of course your daddy can be a bee if he wants. Now that's settled children let's move along shall we?

You remember how we said that when a family wants to have a baby the man and the woman fall in love? Just like your mummy and daddy did. Thomas that is not a very nice thing to say, I'm sure your daddy would be very cross if he heard you say that. Of course he fell in love with your mummy. Will the boys stop making silly noises please! Thomas if he hadn't fallen in love with your mummy then you wouldn't be here would you? No you weren't found under a gooseberry bush. Your mummy was mistaken. No Thomas your daddy may have said that he made a mistake but that's not what I meant. George please be quiet there's a good boy. Eagles don't make aeroplane noises when they fly.

Class settle down please. Goodness we are getting distracted aren't we?

Now children hands up all those who can tell me what happens next. Think hard now. We did speak about it last week. No Colin, it isn't to make sure your credit cards are kept in a safe place, no matter what your daddy says. Yes Alice? I'm sure you would find Colin's credit cards no matter where he hid them but that is not the answer I'm looking for. That's right Susan they show their love by joining together as one person. No class, not like the plants in The Body Snatchers nor like the monster in the Exorcist. Good heavens you do watch some funny films don't you. No, they join together just like the birds and the bees do. Do you remember we talked about that last week? Good.

Yes Angela that's right they join their bodies together. No George, we'll talk about how they do it another time. For now it's enough to know that they do.

Samantha stop hitting Dennis and put the ruler on top of your desk where I can see it. And Dennis take that silly smirk off your face and do please stop rubbing your behind.

Well done Colin, well done. What's that? You didn't say that, but you did, I heard you.

You said what? Now Colin that's a very naughty word to say. I know it begins with W but it has nothing to do with the workings of your body. Yes but I'm sure that when your father says he's going off to work he means work and not that other word. No Colin they are not the same thing. Colin sit down now there's a good boy. Let's leave the basics for now shall we class? How many of you know where babies come from? Yes Tommy, if you must, but hurry up. You too Samantha? Oh very well but be quick both of you. Where do babies come from class?

That's right Janet from inside mummies tummies. Good girl. But to be even more precise, from their mummies wombs. No George, wombs not rooms. Yes there are baby rooms in hospital George. No it's not the same thing. In hospital they're called delivery rooms. No George rooms not wombs and it does NOT mean your mummy has a room in her tummy, delivery or otherwise. GEORGE sit down…

Now that was getting a bit confusing wasn't it class?

Mummies have special places inside their bodies called wombs…George put your hand down. Wombs are where your mummies look after little babies before they are ready to be born. George I will NOT tell you again, put your hand down. Can anyone tell me how the babies get inside your mummy's wombs?

That is a difficult question I know so I'll tell you. Your daddies put them there. All right George, what is it? Well why didn't you say so before? Run along and if you see Tommy tell him to come back to class straight away. No, not Samantha as well, she'll be in the girls' room. No you can't go in there and tell her. I don't care if it is unfair, just go where you have to, and tell Tommy to hurry back.

Now class repeat after me "Daddies put babies into mummies tummies". Again class and try to sound a little bit more interested. This is very important. That's better. You can stop now Henry. Henry you don't have to sing it. Henry I know it's a nice tune but it's not meant to be a song. Yes Susan, Henry is naughty isn't he? Henry BE QUIET.

What's the matter Janet, why are you crying. No I'm sure Colin was only joking. You were joking Colin weren't you. Daddies do not cut mummies open and put the babies inside. Well how they do it we'll discuss later in the course. Janet don't cry, it's not true, and Henry that's enough singing there's a good boy. I'm sure we all know that daddies put babies into mummies tummies by now. And no they do not cut mummies open. Class settle down now. We're all getting just a little bit boisterous aren't we? And Janet do stop crying there's a good girl. Colin was only joking weren't you Colin. There you see Janet, Colin said it was a joke all the time.

And here's Tommy back. You look a little flushed Tommy are you feeling unwell. What's the matter class why are you laughing. Janet stop crying, and Henry I won't tell you again, and the rest of you be quiet. Tommy come here let me feel your forehead. Mmmm yes it's a little warm. Class what IS so funny.

Are you alright Tommy? Go and sit down then. That's better class. Now where were we? Oh yes. Daddies put babies into mummies stomachs, called wombs where she looks after the baby for nine months. Does anyone know why she has to look after it for nine month? No Colin please don't say that or you'll upset Janet again. And Janet please take hold of yourself child, goodness me. And class please stop laughing. I'm sure I can't see anything funny at all. Come in George take your seat. My goodness you look flushed as well…class will you PLEASE SETTLE DOWN…Well, take your seat George, Tommy's feeling better now aren't you Tommy? Good.

Why do mummies have to look after babies in their stomachs for nine months? Yes Janet it's because it takes that time for babies to get ready to be born. Good. Yes Edward what is it? Probably it only seems like nine years for your sister to get ready to go out but it's not the same thing is it? Well yes I suppose if the baby is inside then it has to come out but it doesn't have to get ready the same way that your sister does. No Edward the baby doesn't have to wash it's hair, nor put on makeup. By getting ready I mean it's grown big enough to be born. That's enough Edward it's not nice to say that you wish your sister had never been born. Yes Edward even if she does take a long time in the bathroom. Janet I'm sure the baby would like to have some nice makeup and it may have some when it's born if it's a little girl, that is, but not when it's still inside your mummy. No need to upset yourself Janet. No don't cry, it doesn't mean the baby is poor. I'll tell you what, why don't you go to the bathroom and compose yourself and perhaps you could find Samantha for me. I'm sure I don't know where that girl has gone to. No Colin, I don't think she's getting herself ready to be born, and no Henry, she isn't washing her hair. Run along Janet and do dry your eyes. Give your face a little rinse.

Now all the time the baby's inside your mummies tummies it's being looked after and fed. No not with burgers and fries Henry and no, not with peanut butter sandwiches Colin. The baby is fed by your mummies through a tube that fits into the baby's belly button. Yes I suppose it is a bit like putting petrol into a car George but that's not a very nice description is it? Yes what is it Samantha? No the tube doesn't have to be put into your mummy's tummy, it's already there. Yes and the food as well. Oh dear I can see you're all a little confused. When the baby is attached to one end of the tube your mummy is attached to the other because it's been there all the time. And whenever your mummies eat something, the baby gets fed too. Not the same food Henry but different food. No your mummy doesn't have to eat two different meals Colin, the food she eats changes inside her and then the baby eats it. Oh dear, Susan what a little disaster. Angela, take Susan to the nurse, there's a good girl. Tell nurse I'll be along shortly. Quickly now before Susan does it again. Never mind Colin, I'm sure she couldn't help it and nothing landed on the floor, and no, we don't need to evacuate the classroom. Colin do be quiet dear, you're upsetting the other children. Now where were we…

No Dennis, we weren't talking about eating in bed. We were talking about feeding the baby in your mummies tummies. Henry, stop singing that tune we've all heard it enough times now. And Samantha I won't tell you again, put that ruler down and come away from George. George stand up straight, you look very silly bent over like that. Yes even if you like Samantha hitting your bottom. You still look silly. Henry stop singing, Samantha sit down, Dennis be quiet. And Colin would you PLEASE stop crying. No I'm not angry at you. Edward stop laughing at Colin and get down from that chair before you fall and Edward…

Oh! There's the bell. Walk out quietly in a single file. Quietly I said. AND in single file. Stop pushing children you will only hurt yourselves.

Next week we are going to talk about bunny rabbits won't you all like tha…!"