The Trials of Jay Miller

"I can't do it Sarge."

"Goddamn it Bobby, put the fuckin' cuffs on. You know the drill, now put 'em on." I ordered.

"But Sarge..." he said, trying not to offend me.

"Give me the goddamn handcuffs Bobby, I'll do it myself," taking Bobby's cuffs from his trembling hands.

Bobby's a good kid, I've known him most of his life. He's going to make a fine cop someday, he's just a little confused right now. Hell, we're all confused right now. I even wonder how things ever got to this point. Something inside snapped I suppose, after over twenty years on the force, I should have seen it coming. Anybody is capable of committing an unthinkable act if the circumstances are right, the right time, the right place and for any number of reasons.

It's a real bitch trying to secure a pair of handcuffs on yourself, I don't know how I got it done for sure, probably practice. I'd snapped the jaws shut thousands of times, but I've never cuffed my own hands behind my back before. It's an unnatural act, a cop arresting himself. What the hell just happened you ask? Well, let's see if I can sort it out for you.

The accused murderer's name is Jay Miller, that's me, Sergeant Jay Miller. The victim of my alleged crime is Amir Asante, my son-in-law. No, let me revise that, he was no relative of mine, he was my daughter's worthless husband. What a piece of shit he was, they should have listened to me. I told my wife and daughter he was no good, but what the fuck do I know?

Shaking Bobby from his haze, "Come on Bobby, read me my rights and get me downtown, I'm tired of looking at this piece of crap."

Bobby did a fine job throughout the rest of the arrest procedure, he did it all by the book. I know it was pretty hard for him, he was the first one on scene. I was so proud of the way he entered the room, there I was standing over the body with the murder weapon in my hand. He trained his revolver on me, and cautiously took the 9-mm Beretta from me. Just the way I had taught him, by the book.

My first visitor was an old friend of mine, Nathan Sharp. Nat and I go back a long way, he started his law practice about the same time I joined the force. They'd offered to let me call an attorney, but hell, I knew the score, with the evidence they already had it would be a slam dunk case. Nat must have heard about what happened, and took it upon himself to help me out.

"Jay, what the hell happed last night?" Nat asked, "You're the last guy on earth that I would have expected to be talking to through these bars."

"The asshole had it coming, he was for sure the waste of an egg and sperm." I responded drolly.

"You don't really expect me to believe you did this, do you?" Nat asked.

"What does the evidence tell you Nat?" I calmly asked back.

"Jay, you know better than to ask a lawyer that kind of question, it means what I tell it to mean," He chuckled, "Anyway let me see what I can do to get you out of here, I think I can convince the judge that you're not a flight risk."

"Don't bother, this is good enough, they'll feed me pretty well in here." I said.

"You can't be serious, you want to stay in here?" Nat challenged.

"Yep, I need some time to think," and with that I was done talking to him for the day.

It had been one thing after another, why couldn't, my daughter Nancy, see that I was only thinking of her when I begged her not to marry that man. God, I didn't beg her, I absolutely forbid it. But that didn't stop her, shit, it probably fueled the fire, she might have done it to spite me. Oh, and there was the issue of my wife Lena, she took Nan's side. Over my objections, she encouraged Nancy. "She's a grown woman Jay, It's her decision. You just keep your nose out of it." Yeah, look where that got us.

I won't try to bullshit any of you by saying I gave Amir the benefit of a doubt, I didn't like him from the minute I laid eyes on him. I consider myself a pretty good judge of character, and that prick didn't have what it took to be married to Nan. She was entitled to much better, she's a wonderful person, much to good to be treated like she was.

From the day we brought Nancy home from the hospital, she had me wrapped around her little finger. Looking back on things now, I was awfully over protective of her. I always had a rule about the boys she went out with, they had to look me in the eye before they could date her. I needed to know who she was with, and by meeting them first, I could let them know she was not a girl to mistreat or assume she was easy.

I was a young man once, I know all about what guys think of at that age. That's fine with me, but they could get their pussy from somebody else's daughter. Nan was not going to be some clown's punchboard if I had anything to say about it.

Lena kept telling me that Nancy could handle things on her own, she was bright enough to handle all of the boys. Well, that's all good in theory, but I'm a cop, and it's better to have a gun in your holster than good intentions. It's always wise to be prepared, Lena would be a widow by now if I thought like her.

When Nan started college, she tried to fool me a little. She thought she was being sneaky about the boys she dated, but I knew about all of them. I stayed in the shadows, and let her believe she was pulling one over on me. I don't want you to think that I actually followed her around, but I know a lot of people, and they kept an eye on her for me. This way, I knew what she was up to, and it kept Lena off of my case.

In Nan's sophomore year, she took an internship at a brokerage house. She worked there a couple of days a week, it was good experience for her. That is up until Amir started showing an interest in her. He was a slick young man, I'll give him that. He swept Nancy off her feet, it's to bad she didn't see him for what he really was.

I have an innate ability to see through the bullshit, as I have already pointed out. I also have resources to back up my prejudices, but it wouldn't have mattered one bit. Both Nancy and Lena were charmed with Amir, so I got absolutely nowhere with them. I knew he was a bad seed, and they didn't listen.

I did a little snooping around with his ex girlfriends, they all had some interesting things to say. Amir was a control freak, he was looking for a virgin bride to become his wife. His exes all told me he would continue to see them even after he had crossed them off of his list of potential marriage candidates. He wasn't interested in marrying a woman if she had been used, it had something to do with his Middle Eastern heritage. He wasn't against sex before marriage, just not with his wife to-be.

Amir had many women, even after he and Nan tied the knot. I had tried my damnedest to warn her, but her mother told me to keep out of it. So that's just what I did from that point on, well, up until yesterday.

Yesterday should have been like any other Monday, but as is would turn out I would learn many new things about my family. Lena was acting very nervous about something, she was usually honest with me so it had to be something bad. I ended up almost having to drag it out of her.

"Lena, why don't you just spill it? I'm not leaving until we hash out whatever is wrong," I said, knowing to worst was to come.

"Jay..." and that's as far as we got before Lena broke down in tears, Not just tears, but a real sobbing sniffling cry. I'd never ever seen Lena break down like this. I asked her what was wrong, but she keep up the waterworks. When she finally got her act together, she started by pissing me off from the get go.

"Jay you have to promise that you won't do anything stupid," she said between the tears and the sniffles.

"I'm not promising anything. Lena, we've been married a long time, and if this was something I did you'd be yelling at me. By the way you're carrying on, it has to be something you're afraid to tell me. If you don't tell me now we'll sit here until you do," I replied in a threatening tone.

The crying started again, "He... hhh... he hit her," she blurted out between sobs.

"Who hit who?" I asked trying to make some sense of what she was trying to tell me.

"Nancy," she sobbed. I stood without a word trying my best to control the beast within me, "JAY NO! Don't, you can't do this, not this way." Lena said, sensing the anger and rage that was about to come.

As calmly as possible I went to the phone, "Yeah... this is Jay. I won't be in to work today. Yeah... It's a personal matter... Okay..."

I stood over Lena, "When?" I asked.

"Two days ago," she sobbed.

The rage boiled inside me, two fucking days ago, when the hell would she have told me if I hadn't practically drug it out of her. At that moment in time, I was nearly as mad at Lena as I was at Nan's husband. What about Nan, why the fuck didn't she tell me? But right now I need to concentrate on the bigger problem, Amir.

I know, I know, I'm a cop, I'm not supposed to react this way. But there is just so much any man can take. I was going to turn that motherfucker's face into pulp. How dare he even consider abusing my little girl, Amir would pay for his transgressions with his own blood. I slammed the door as I left the house, I needed to talk to Nancy.

I was the last person Nan was expecting when she opened the door. I don't even really know what I was expecting, but the raccoon eyes told me this was no small slap. He had to have hit her hard in the face with his fist to produce two black eyes. Nan broke down and buried her head in my chest, I held her for a minute and asked, "How long Nan, how long has this shit been going on?" I grabbed her shoulders and held her at arms length, "Nancy goddamn it, tell me, how long?"

"Daddy, didn't mom tell you? She said she was going to, she told me last week that she would," she cried.

As I was about to open my mouth, I got the strangest feeling that we weren't talking about the same thing. Lena told me Nan was beaten two days ago, what the hell was Nan talking about.

When I finally got the story from her, my world was tilted on its ear. I was near an implosion, Amir had signed his own death warrant now. That son of a bitch had beaten and raped my little girl, and he had done it repeatedly. He threatened her, he threatened to beat her harder if she told anyone. I had planned to pack Nan's things and take her home with me. What was the point now, she would be in no danger after I got a hold of him.

Walking back in the house was much the same as the way I left, there were no words for Lena and a few doors were slammed in anger. I opened my gun safe and pondered my choices, I wanted to leave a large gapping bloody hole. About like the one that I felt inside of me. I carefully cleaned and loaded my 44 mag, it was heavy and felt good in my hand. "Dirty Harry should be proud of me," I thought.

I must have checked twenty different bars and dance clubs before I got the information I wanted. The rotten bastard had an apartment where he banged his whores. I hoped and prayed that I would catch the cocksucker there. I would make sure that as he took his last breath, he would take the image of my smiling mug to hell with him.

I had a job to do and I climbed the stairs to his apartment with a purpose. I passed a faceless woman coming down the stairs, she must have sensed the fury as our eyes met for a brief moment and she ran hurriedly by me. Out of habit I checked the knob before I put my shoulder to the door, I took it as a bad omen when the door opened with no resistance. I pulled out my weapon and entered cautiously, I instinctively felt like I was on the job not there to commit murder. As I rounded the corner to the bedroom, what I saw would have made Dracula sick. It was a scene of slow agonizing pain and death.

There was blood splatter consistent with a slaughter house, and sprawled on the bed was Amir. My first thought was how I had been cheated of my revenge, but I realized that he was still alive, barely, but still alive. I holstered my weapon and gazed down on him, the blood was oozing from the jagged hole in his neck. Amir was wheezing and gasping for air, he reached out for help and I backed away. The bullet had torn away a good portion of his windpipe. I watched his lips move as he silently begged for help, then I calmly and deliberately pushed the buttons 9-1-1 on my cell phone to set the wheels in motion.

The look on his face was priceless as he pled for me to help him, I watched the life slowly drain onto the sheet, and puddle along his naked body. I sat in a chair across the room and waited patiently, I waited for death to come. He was looking right in my eyes, the only thing that would have improved the scenario was for me to have pulled the trigger. I stood as I realized that his eyes were now blank, he had died the kind of death that I would have wished only on him. I picked up the Beretta only seconds before Bobby cleared the doorway.

***

The Chief put me on administrative leave, for obvious reasons, and against my wishes, I was released on bail a few days later. I had to find a new place to read my newspaper while I took a shit, I didn't have a throne of my own anymore. My home was not mine, at least until this mess was resolved. I rented a small, furnished apartment across town from where I used to live. It would do, I didn't need much.

Nan was the first to come see me, she may have been testing the waters. "Daddy, why didn't you go home?" she asked, obviously still shaken by the events of the last few days.

"I don't want to involve you or your mother in this, I have to do this alone," I replied stoically.

"That's crazy Dad, where would you get a stupid idea like that? Mom and I still need you, you have to come home," she said.

"You didn't need or want me enough to tell me what that monster was up to, no Nan, I'll do this alone," I stated.

The tears were streaming now as she said, "But Daddy, we... we didn't want to hurt..."

"Bullshit, you were both terrified about how I would react, that's fear, plain and simple. If that is what I instilled in you, then I have no place in either of your lives until this is over. Look Nan, you better go now, this is doing neither of us any good," I said as I helped her through the door and closed it behind her.

Lena started the telephone barrage soon after that, I had nothing to say to her. I was still in a very bitter mood over her lack of communication. The hurt that they both had endured could have easily been avoided if they had bothered to tell me what was going on. I distinctly remember being told to stay out of it, it wasn't my place to interfere. Well goddamn it, whose place was it?

I stood in front of the courthouse waiting for Nat, when he arrived, we took the long walk up the granite steps together. I had not even decided whether I would plead not guilty or take the rap. Somebody had to pay for a killing, why not save everyone's time. I knew that if I had been there earlier I would have popped a cap in him. It all boiled down to timing, so I was guilty at least in my own mind.

The arraignment hearing was short and sweet. The judge, a man that I'd known for many years, looked down at me and asked the question, "How do you plea?" Nat spoke before I could process to words, "Not guilty your honor." The gavel fell and a date was set for the evidentiary hearing.

Lena was there and met me in the hallway outside of the courtroom. She came to hug me but I pushed her away, "No Lena not now, you need to stay out of this. It's not your place to interfere" I repeated her words back to her.

She winced as her own words came back to sting her, she knew now was not the time to start up with me. I walked away, and only looked back once. Lena stood weeping alone, it nearly tore my heart out to watch her cry like that, but I had to distance myself from her.

Nat pushed the reporters away, and we left the building through a side exit. I went to my dreary little abode and had a bowl of soup for lunch. As I ate, my gaze wandered around my small sanctuary, it wasn't so different from the room Lena and I had lived in when we were first married. This place was cramped for me, how had both of us lived in a place so small? When you're that young and in love, I guess you don't think of things like that. Those days were the best times of our life together.

We had nothing then but each other, and as I sit here, I realize that was enough. Oh so young, so alive and so much in love, now this. The room started to close in on me, as if to remind me that my new home might be even smaller by comparison. I could be living the rest of my life in an eight by eight cell. Later down the road a ways, I may not have the choice to stay or leave. So I exercised my option while I still could, and got up and walked out the door.

I had no particular destination in mind, I just walked. Roaming the streets for hours, wandering with no purpose, I walked to my old neighborhood. Without realizing it, I stood in front of my house. The house that Lena and I had built together, the house that our baby grew up in. The house that I hoped to grow old and die in, the house that I may never set foot in again. That thought sent chills down my spine.

As I turned to go, a voice called out, "DADDY." I had no will to walk, I stood motionless as Nancy ran to me.

"What on earth are you doing just standing out here?" she touched my solemn face, " My God, you're freezing," she said as she wrapped her arms around me. I felt an instant warmth rush through me, I hadn't even realized just how cold it was.

"Come in the house," she tugged at my arm.

I remained glued to the sidewalk. I pulled Nan back to me and held her, I kissed her forehead and said, "No Baby, I have to go."

I walked back the way that I had come, the same aimless wander. I slipped into the darkness that had descended without my knowledge. I stopped at an all night café and drank coffee until the sun came up. I had seen my life through tired eyes in the bottom of the chipped and stained mug, a mixture of warmth and consolation descending to a bitter cold murk. The waitress filled the cup again and I realized what a fool I was. It was that easy, the warmth could be replenished.

I could live life again with my family, but not yet. I had to get free of the albatross that was around my throat and threatened to tear my family apart. Amir had almost succeeded in doing just that, but we would not have to worry about him again. My next thought was of Nan, I wondered how she was standing up to the stress. I had seen her a few times since the shooting. But I had been so absorbed in my own hate and self pity that I didn't even bother to find out.

I called Lena and killed two birds with one stone. I explained to her my need to keep her and Nancy removed from my ordeal. She didn't like it, actually she hated it, but she understood. I needed to focus all of the negative attention on myself and hope that forensic science would help me gain my freedom.

We talked in length about Nancy's feelings and mindset, Lena told me she had tried to get Nan to see someone but Nan had adamantly refused. She insisted that the nightmare was now over and she felt free of her tormentor. I asked Lena to keep a close eye on our daughter, sometimes there is a delayed emotional reaction in cases like this. Lena tried to ask a few questions about the case, but I immediately cut her off and hung up. There was absolutely no fucking way I was going to discuss the murder with her.

I felt reassured that life was as normal, as could be expected, on the home front. I next called Nat and discussed the evidence with him. I wasn't a lawyer of course but I knew the mechanics of the legal system. I knew the only thing that really tied me to the shooting, was that I was there. I held the gun and I had a motive that I doubted anyone knew about.