The Wanderings of Amy Ch. 20

"Amy, I don't care to talk about Wendy. What she tells you is her business. But I cannot add anything. She will spend time with me, she will face her problems, and she will move on with her life. That's as much as I can say."

"But will I see her?"

"I don't know. You might. It depends on how she does. You'll at least see her at the Mardi Gras party, but I know that's not what you're talking about. I'll let you see her if I feel it will help her."

Amy sat silently for a few moments, then spoke again.

"Dr. Burnside, you will at least let her work on her art? You'll give her time for that?"

"Of course I will. She's good. I like her drawings, but I'm sure that doesn't surprise you. Do me a favor. Pick up whatever art supplies you think she'll need over the next semester and give them to me before Christmas. I'll have them in her room waiting for her when she comes over."

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Wendy spent Christmas with Amy. Robert had invited both of them to spend Christmas with himself and Suzanne, but Amy turned him down, explaining that she needed to spend time alone with Wendy prior to her treatment. Robert was even more perplexed about the whole affair. He explained his doubts to Suzanne. The photographer simply responded that whatever was going on, Amy knew about it and had not objected.

The morning after Christmas Amy and Wendy got into Suzanne's minivan. Wendy wore a sweatsuit and had in her hand the only item Burnside allowed her, her cell phone with its re-charger. Wendy would not be allowed to talk to anyone, but she would have the phone in her room in the same way a person might use a safeword during S&M play. Wendy's correspondence books already were at the professor's house. Amy had taken them over a couple of days before with Wendy's art supplies.

Wendy was scared, but at the same time resigned and relieved. Her six weeks of nervous waiting were about to come to an end. She was more determined than ever to go through with this.

Amy drove up into Burnside's driveway. She squeezed Wendy's hand, and with that she got out. Amy watched as her friend rang the doorbell. The door opened almost immediately. Wendy slipped through the door and vanished as the door went shut.

Amy pulled out of the driveway. For the first time in almost two years she felt terribly alone. Not lonely, but alone. She wondered what was happening to her friend on the other side of that door.

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Amy returned to the apartment after dropping off Wendy at Burnside's house. She still felt adrift after having left her to a semester of harsh servitude. For the last month she had truly enjoyed having her friend back to normal, and now she was gone again.

Amy faced the prospect of spending a couple of days by herself. Paul was in Pennsylvania with his family and would not be back until December 30. Of course Amy could go over to Robert's place, but as soon as she did there was the problem of explaining where Wendy was and what had happened to her. Amy felt that she needed to talk to Suzanne and Robert separately about what Wendy was facing and why she felt it was necessary to submit to Burnside. Amy felt that Robert would understand more than Suzanne, considering what he had endured with his wife Tricia. Amy remembered Robert's comment about Tricia that day, now almost two years ago, that she first asked about Robert's strap and later had it used on her own bottom. "Tricia was a lot like you. She had a wild side that if let out of control, would wreck her life."

Amy's memories went back to that moment in Robert's car, and to her feelings of guilt, anxiety, desire, curiosity, and sexual arousal. She remembered Robert's cruelty and kindness to her that night, and the days following when she re-entered the world changed. It was not the punishment that changed her. The change in Amy's life began months before when she watched Courtney slowly kill herself. The change intensified when Courtney died and Robert picked Amy up from the police station. The change in Amy's soul continued when she enrolled in classes and began modeling for Suzanne. The shock of the strapping did not change Amy, but it symbolized her painful re-entry into the world. It was only afterwards that Amy was able to forgive herself for her actions in high school and the disaster with Courtney.

Amy's thoughts went back to the first Halloween party at Burnside's house, now over a year ago, and the term paper that followed. That term paper finalized Amy's change from who she had been in high school to who she was now. Amy realized that she owed Burnside a huge debt for giving her a sense of direction in her studies. It was because of that party that she had met Wendy in the first place and made the discovery about her own grandfather.

Ruth Burnside was by no means a lovable person, but she had pardoned Amy twice for offenses that should have ended her career under the university rules. Amy realized that Burnside, in her unique way, actually was very forgiving of people's mistakes. She forgave on her own terms, which were not very pleasant ones. However, she always was willing to give a person a second chance, or in Amy's case, two second chances. She realized, at that moment, that she cared deeply for Burnside, in spite of the professor's unpleasant personality and harshness.

Amy did not know how Suzanne would react to Wendy's servitude, other than she would be very upset. It was quite possible that her roommate would storm over to Burnside's house and demand that Wendy come out. Amy wanted to avoid that if at all possible, because she was convinced that Wendy was doing the right thing. Wendy needed the same sense of direction that Amy now enjoyed. Most importantly, she needed to forgive herself for her trips to Atlantic City and her attempt to pawn her family's pendent. If Wendy were anything like Amy, the only way she could forgive herself would be to endure a harsh experience first.

Amy knew that the idea of seeking out suffering made no sense to Suzanne. Amy's roommate had no need for enduring a harsh experience, because she had endured seven years of physical and emotional abuse from her father. Amy realized that Suzanne was a survivor. She still was amazed that Suzanne had endured so much suffering and had not turned to drugs, or alcohol, or religion, or some other escape while in high school. There was no self-destructive flaw in her personality as there was in the personalities of Amy, Wendy, Courtney, and Robert's dead wife Tricia. Instead Suzanne had pushed ahead in her life and had become a rock in the lives of Robert and her models. How could Amy explain Wendy's needs to Suzanne in a way that made sense to her?

It was bitterly cold outside and Amy had no desire to go back out. She spent a long time just looking out the window at the bleak cold weather. Finally she went into Suzanne's studio to deflate the air mattress Wendy had been sleeping on. She rolled it up and took it back to her room. She returned to Suzanne's studio room and sadly looked through the volumes of pictures of Wendy and of the two of them together. Amy wondered if she ever would model with her friend again.