tagHumor & SatireThe World's 10 Greatest Inventions 05

The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 05

byCal Y. Pygia©

The condom was meant to be the world's first pocket pussy, or portable artificial vagina (about which more information will be disseminated in the next installment in this series). However, it proved inadequate for this purpose, and, after having invested a lot of time and some ingenuity in developing the thing, some other purpose had to be found for it, so its inventor, whose name has been lost among the millions of anonymous Neanderthals (or, possibly, Cro-Magnons) of prehistory, decided it would do as a sperm catcher, although, even with a brain as primitive as that of the prototypical man's, the inventor had sense enough to know that it needed a catchier name than "sperm catcher," so, for want of a better term, he called it a "prophylactic." When no one else could pronounce the word, however, it became known as the "condom," and that's the truth.

The first condom was made of the intestines of Dolly, its inventor's pet sheep by day and his wife (and blanket) by night. Her intestines were used for two reasons. First, their employment preserved, and, therefore, reserved Dolly's vagina for her husband's use and, second, because he knew, from personal experience, that, as a surrogate vagina, Dolly's intestines were hard to beat and would feel good covering his, or any other caveman's, erect penis.

When the device failed as a portable pussy, it was touted as a means of preventing pregnancy and other diseases, and, in fact, sex education teachers have documented the effectiveness of condom use in preventing pregnancy. Among the thousands of cucumbers over which they have unrolled condoms to demonstrate to schoolchildren how to do likewise, not a single vegetables has gone stark raving preggers. (Unfortunately, the same effect does not always occur among the schoolchildren themselves, and some sex educators contend that students should be taught that "abstinence makes the heart grow fonder" rather than how to put a condom on a cucumber.)

God has mixed feelings about condom use. In Protestant camps, clergymen often don this gay apparel to prevent impregnating their wives and girlfriends, whereas, among Catholic priests, condom use is considered sinful, because God has bidden men and women to "be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth." Somehow, the priests do not see their vows of chastity to be sinful, despite the fact that chastity also seems to prevent fruitfulness, multiplicity, and the replenishment of the species.

In the beginning, a lot of different inventors experimented with a lot of different materials besides Dolly's intestines in their never-ending campaign to improve the appearance, texture, and durability of the condom, some fashioning it of oiled silk, others of tortoise shell, and still others of animal horn, thereby coining the word "horny" as an adjective to describe condoms. (Men, not women, invented the condom and its myriad "improvements," intent, as they have always been, upon having the fun of sex without the long-term responsibility of fatherhood, and they don't really care what they stuff up a woman's cunt as long as whatever it is, whether animal intestines, oiled silk, tortoise shell, or animal horn, it does its job effectively.)

Gabriele Falloppio's discovery of syphilis, sometime along the sixteenth century, led to a resurgence of interest in the condom, and the prophylactic was reintroduced, this time with ribbons attached to it as a means of fastening it--one hesitates to use the phrase "secure it"--to the erect penis. However, the condom failed as often as it worked, for it often tore, broke, or fell off inside milady's muff, and it was only during the world wars that governments took an interest in perfecting the invention as a means of protecting drunken sailors and other intoxicated military men from the prostitutes with whom they consorted between firefights. (There's such a thing as a female condom, resembling a sort of urinal, made for women Marines and other female fighting men, but I don't want to think about that.)

Not since high school had the government been so interested in their extracurricular activities, and, initially, some soldiers weren't sure why the hell the government was supplying them with condoms instead of bullets. In fact, a few soldiers actually put their issue of condoms over the barrels of their rifles to keep out dust, dirt, sand, sperm resulting from masturbatory activity, and other detritus; used them to store corrosive fuel additives; and employed them to protect non-electric firing assemblies used in underwater demolitions. (Criminals like to store drugs or alcohol inside condoms for anal-retentive transportation into prison facilities.)

Since the world wars, the manufacture, testing, and distribution of condoms have become enormously successful enterprises, and the human race now teeters upon the brink of extinction, as births continue to fall precipitously. (Psst! An insider's stock market tip, exclusive to Literotica readers: Cornstarch production and sales are on the increase, too, since it, instead of talc, has become the favorite substance for "dusting" condoms prior to their packaging to prevent their self-sticking when rolled.)

Only a handful of companies are perverted enough to make money by preventing the births of millions of unwanted babies: Seton Scholl, Ltd., Church and Dwight, Okamoto Rubber Company, Adam & Steve, and Dunlop Tires.

Today, most condoms are made of polyurethane or latex rubber, and resemble balloons when they stretch out for a nap. Otherwise, they look like rings with a transparent (or, sometimes, colored) center. Testing facilities report the ability of machines to stretch condoms a distance that is eight times greater than condoms' own length before the material snaps under pressure (as anyone would). Condoms are filled with water or electrocuted as a means of detecting holes before they're packaged and shipped to men's rooms, pharmacies, and "family planning" clinics everywhere. One size fits all (in case you were wondering or had dozed off when the great elasticity or latex was mentioned, just a moment ago).

Condoms come in many colors and flavors and can be eaten before, during, or after intercourse, although I wouldn't recommend it. Some men claim that fruit or candy flavors make women more inclined to suck cock when a man wears a condom, but no women have ever been heard to make this assertion. However, a few ladies have agreed that the reservoir tip with which some condoms are equipped is "cute." In general, women also agree to disagree with men that "ribbed" condoms or condoms equipped with "French ticklers" enhance their sexual experience.

There's an anti-rape condom, too, which acts as a sort of vagina dentata, or vagina with teeth. If you're not sure what the hell that is, watch the movie Teeth.

Tomorrow's condom is likely to be "invisible," formed by spraying on liquefied latex (inspired by the sight of a drive-through car wash), or using a gel that hardens (and swells?) inside the vagina or, for the misguided, the rectum, and there's even one that may compete against Viagra and similar drugs, using a "mild electric shock" to keep a man manly while he does his duty.

What won't they think of next?

*

Next: The Pocket Pussy

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byCal Y. Pygia© 0 comments/ 11347 views/ 1 favorites
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