tagHumor & SatireThe World's 10 Greatest Inventions 09

The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 09

byCal Y. Pygia©

Cock rings are simple, both in their purpose and their design. They're meant to keep a guy's cock hard, and they're designed so that, round, they slip down the column of the penile shaft. Seated, as it were, at the base of the dick, they choke the prick, restricting return blood flow, rather like a mild tourniquet, thereby keeping the virile member virile.

Mostly, impotent and effeminate guys wear cock rings to make themselves seem more potent and less effeminate, even if it's only in their own eyes that they seem so. However, in the unlikely event that a chick's actually married to a guy who is impotent or effeminate, she'll probably humor him by pretending his cock ring's as valuable to her as the ring she wears (or hopes to wear on her finger someday). If she's between premenstrual syndrome attacks, she may even agree to put the damned thing on your stupid cock, you fucking asshole-prick!

Although simple in purpose and design (reread paragraph one, if you missed this), the cock ring should be chosen with care and deliberation. There are a wide diversity of cocks, after all, in multicultural America. Black cocks are nothing like Caucasian varieties, and white pricks differ considerably from their Asian counterparts. Even among male appendages of the same racial or ethnic group, penises extend across a wide range of lengths, girths, and erectile densities. A ring that's the right tightness for a wee Korean or Chinese weenie might be unfit for a monster African-American prick.

Skin tone is another consideration in selecting an appropriate cock ring. Since men, other than gay guys, are oblivious, by nature, to even the idea of complementary colors and don't get even the notion of color coordination, they're unlikely to know which color of cock ring goes best with a particular complexion. As a result, they're apt to make such fashion faux paus as picking out a yellow or gold ring for a saffron-colored Asian cock. Unless you know your summer colors from your winter hues, it's best to leave the choice of your cock ring's color to your girlfriend, your fag boyfriend, or a fashion-hip gay acquaintance who doesn't hate you.

Cock rings are manufactured from a variety of materials, which further complicates one's selection of this not-so-simple "simple" device. Plastic is a favorite material, because it's sleek, simple, and, in its own way, elegant. It slides on easily, and it sits tight once it's in place, making a reliable tourniquet that can keep you or your man manly for hours at a time. (As in the case of the use of Viagra, should an erection persist for more than four hours, thank your lucky stars! Seriously, if worn too tightly or for more than 30 minutes, a cock ring can cause gangrene and require penile amputation, so be real.) Other materials include leather, rubber, and silicone. Leather is a favorite among leathermen, but women with breast implants prefer silicone cock rings, considering them to be a first-aid kit, as it were, should one of their tits spring a leak.

Loathe to admit that they consider their cock rings to be a sort of bracelet for the penis and pretending to abhor the wearing of jewelry by men, guys make up all kinds of excuses for wearing these devices. Some claim that they suffer from erectile dysfunction or erectile hyperfunction. Metrosexual men and queers, however, are more honest and direct, declaring that they consider their cock rings to be fashion statements. In addition, one gay guy said that his rings "do double duty as pacifiers," which are all the rage among adult babies and similar perverts. To prove their devotion to their lovers, heterosexual men sometimes purchase cock rings that are equipped protruding clit-flickers.

As with any invention that's been on the market for more than a second or two, a whole horde of inventors have rushed forward with "improvements" to the cock ring, hoping to cash in on the device by having made slight modifications to its original design that no will want. Ergo, cock rings are now equipped with buzzing vibrators; removable "bullet vibrators" to stimulate the testicles, vagina, or anus; and valves through which inflatable rings can be expanded or deflated. It is thought that the use of an inflatable cock ring led to the most recent death of Michael Jackson--or maybe it was David Carradine, who played a grasshopper in the TV series Hung For You.

For men for whom it's more, not bigger, that matters, the triple cock ring has additional rings with which to restrain the testicles, should they become unruly during foreplay. Some panties for men include built-in cock rings through which your pansy playmate may slip his weenie before making whoopee.

Pain, discomfort, or coldness in the cock or balls are warning signs that mean you've left your cock ring on too long and, most likely, will suffer a heart attack, a stroke, diabetes, rheumatism, arthritis, and/or the heartbreak of psoriasis. For this reason, cock rings shouldn't be worn if you're a male, a male-to female transsexual, or a female-to-male freak, and inflatable cock rings should never be filled beyond a pressure of 32 pounds per square inch, or psi. Another warning (makes you wonder if the damned things are worth the bother): the plain round kind, especially if they are brightly colored, can look like a popular candy, so, for blondes, they could pose a choking hazard if ingested.

Cock rings can double as fine buttons, acceptable grommets, serviceable washers, handy slugs for parking meter and vending machine violations, and, should the groom lose his bride's wedding ring, the cock ring can make a passable substitute and has the added bonus of letting the rest of the wedding party know just how kinky a couple are getting hitched before their eyes.

In short, if you're a guy and you want to feel a little cockier, wear a cock ring.

Next: Penis-shaped Lipsticks

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byCal Y. Pygia© 0 comments/ 19511 views/ 1 favorites
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