tagHumor & SatireThe World's 10 Greatest Inventions 10

The World's 10 Greatest Inventions 10

byCal Y. Pygia©

In a bar, it's better than any pickup line a girl could use. Just remove the tube from your purse, rotate the screw at the bottom, and up pops a miniature, circumcised erection in the color of your choice, thereby advertising your willingness to provide more than stimulating talk to your lover! (Tip: although penis-shaped lipsticks can be purchased by either sex, they don't work as well for male users as they do for women, unless the local watering hole happens to be a gay bar).

Tip: Ladies, it helps immensely if, while you're applying the lipstick, you smile flirtatiously at your intended, because there's nothing more exciting to a man than to have a woman smile and make eye contact with him while she's sucking his cock, and, although the lipstick isn't his dick per se, in his mind (if nowhere else), it's certainly a stand-in for his prick. Also be advised that, as tempting as it may be to take the lipstick between your lips, into your mouth, or to lick it as if it were a lollipop, it's best not to do so, for, although undeniably sexy, to both straight and gay guys, such actions are apt to reduce the volume of your lipstick at a much more rapid pace than would otherwise likely be the case, and penis-shaped lipsticks aren't exactly cheap.

Fashion-conscious women will want to coordinate the color of their lipstick with that of their fingernails. Since you will be holding the lipstick, the color of your nails should match or accentuate the color of the cosmetic phallus. The colors need not be of the same hue (although light-pink nails look pretty, matched with a darker pink lipstick): contrasting colors or complementary colors can work just as well as a monochromatic scheme.

Tip: In general, according to the blue-yellow-red color wheel, orange complements blue, yellow-orange complements blue-violet, yellow complements violet, yellow-green complements red-violet, green complements red, and blue-green complements red-orange. It's kind of complicated. If in doubt, refer to an artist's color wheel or ask your beautician.

Tip: The color of the tube is important, too. You don't want it to distract from the color of your penis. If your lipstick is red, a purple or dark blue tube is not your best choice. For the same reason, an overly ornate tube, glittering with sequins or diamonds, for example, although lovely, is likely to draw attention away from the all-important penis shape, so be cautious about decorations, too. Again, if you're not sure of your best option, refer to an artist's color wheel or check with your cosmetician.

Like the real deal, penis-shaped lipstick comes in a variety of colorful colors, including Flaming Faggot Red, Pussy Pink, Oral Orchid, Labial Lavender (popular among girly boys), Purple Tits (for BDSM enthusiasts), and Cadaverous Gray (for girls who like a little necrophilia in their sex lives), so there's a color to match every outfit, every lifestyle, and, more importantly, every nail color.

For kinkier ladies, some suppliers offer a penis-shaped lipstick that was popular with Cleopatra. Made from crushed carmine beetles, this PETA-unfriendly gloss imparts a deep red color to the lips, which can be enhanced by adding the shimmer of powdered fish scales, an effect, known in the business, as pearlescence (although no actual pearls are involved in the essence).

To encourage kissing (as if, with pretty girls and girly boys, encouragement were needed), many colors are associated with flavors: Flaming Faggot Red with cherry, Pussy Pink with strawberry, and Cadaverous Gray with rotten flesh, for example.

Before England's Queen Elizabeth I's 16th-century reign, lipstick, like other cosmetics, were reserved, in Europe, for prostitutes, for which reason Elizabeth I is referred to as "the queen of harlots." After World War II, when millions of women began to wear lipstick, it lost the glamour that it had had when only whores and Queen Elizabeth I had dared to wear the stuff, and its use was regarded as merely proletarian.

Men--mostly actors and homos--occasionally wear lipstick as well, but the cosmetic item tends to remain associated predominantly with the gentler sex, presumably because, according to some scientists (those who are hornier than their colleagues), the lips are supposed to be natural mimics of the labia, just as the buttocks are supposed to mimic the breasts. In men, these same scientists (or the bisexual among them, at any rate), claim that, in a similar vein, the human proboscis mimics the penis. Nevertheless, as of this writing, no man is known to paint his nose unless he is a clown or the late Michael Jackson.

Normally, women are advised to pick a lipstick color that matches the natural shade of their labia; however, in selecting penis-shaped lipsticks, they are advised, instead, to select a lipstick that resembles, as closely as possible, the sex organ that it is meant to "mimic."

Tip: A flaccid penis tends to be less vivid than livid, whereas the erect cock tends to be more livid than vivid, so colors which range somewhere between these two extremes make good choices, and, as with penises, a lipstick that exhibits a light shine is better during the day, whereas a bolder, glossier sheen is better at night. Bear in mind, though, that penises, whether soft of hard, come in a variety of colors, including Carefree Coffee, Turgid Toffee, Cinnamon Cum, Mahogany Monkey, Saffron Stiffy, Gotta Go Gold, Passionate Pink, Plum Wild Purple, and Ravish Me Red. When applied correctly, the lipstick should shine with just enough luster to suggest the presence of a thin film of semen, as if the lips have recently been in contact with an ejaculating cock.

What should a lady do, once she has, with the help of her penis-shaped lipstick, laid her Prince Charming? Keep it. The bastard may not turn out to be Mr. Right, after all. If he does turn out to be a dreamboat instead of a dream, you can always pitch the lipstick later or, even better, give it to your friend or little sister. Maybe she wants to get laid, too.

Before long, just like you, she'll be blowing kisses, too--or something else.

*

Next: There is no "next," dimwit! This is the tenth installment in a ten-installment series. Duh! You should be reading the For Dummies or Idiot's Guide version of this topic. No wonder you think your six-incher's a foot-long dong.

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byCal Y. Pygia© 0 comments/ 8879 views/ 0 favorites
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