The Wrath of the Wicked Webcam Ch. 06bysophist801©
NOTE: After feedback from many of you (my thanks) it was clear this story was not finished. It could be read as a stand-alone tale but the context would best be understood if you read Chapters 1-5. This is still a story of healing, reconciliation and facing the demons that we all try to push-under-the carpet and try and forget. We never forget how we have been hurt (or hurt others) we can only do our best to be responsible for what we have done (or failed to do).
The teachings of Jesus tell us that faith, hope and love are necessary for people to live, especially when the world seems to crumble around them. Saints Peter and Paul go on to say that love, of the three qualities, is most important. Love is necessary for faith and hope. Faith and hope, without love, has little meaning. No, I'm not going to preach or praise the Lord. Getting "religious" is best left for another time and another place.
It is important, for me, that it took all the love in my being to have faith in Jocelyn and let hope back into my life. When I understood the power of that love it became relatively easy to extend my trust and have faith that our marriage was going to work, that we were beginning to grow and learn how to be "whole" as a family. It felt good as we learned from each other. As a result we began to talk frequently about what was (or wasn't) going on in our lives, what we were thinking and feeling, and sought ways to do things for one another.
Our conversations evolved into a "dialogue" of give-and-take, a real-life dialectic that moved us closer to acceptance and understanding. With my penchant for the analytical, some might call the predisposition for trying to see something that isn't there, as nothing more than a "mind game." Fritz Pearls calls this mental masturbation. Masturbation, in any form, was not where either of us wanted our lives to be reduced to. After all you don't need another person, by definition, to masturbate. You do need another person to love, have faith in and share your hopes and desires with.
This change in our lives took time. In fact it was almost a year following the time when I lost my job and Jocelyn found work as a model on an adult webcam site before we reached a comfort level that found a strength our marriage never had. To get to this point meant we needed to be more attentive to one another. This attention also needed to go beyond expressions of love, like making love, holding hands, kissing each other hello and good bye. It meant being able to mean what were saying and doing. Meaning then came from that deep-seeded belief that love was the driving force in our lives. With the love we would be able to withstand those stressors in life that threatened to tear us apart.
It is just such a stressor, a challenge, a force outside of our marriage that slammed into us a year later. I was, at least this time, better prepared to handle the stressor. Being better prepared, as a good Boy Scout is always prepared, does not mean I would deal with the event very well. There was a part of me, something so ingrained in who I was that I would need to understand first. This is a thing called ego. No, to be more precise, it is my male ego.
As a child I was raised by a career military officer and was always told it was important to "be a man", to be in control, to never let an opponent get the upper hand. When I fell off of my bicycle with skinned knees and palms my father ignored my tears and put me right back on the bicycle. When my grandfather put a pistol in my hand and told me to pull the trigger I dropped the handgun into the sand and cried. He picked up the handgun, cleaned it off, and made me empty the revolver, three times! I had to do this until I was not afraid and did not cry. When my father caught me smoking out by the garage at age 12 he did not yell at me. Instead he made me smoke an entire pack of cigarettes until I was so sick I never wanted to smoke again. There was little room for emotional outlets and little acceptance for anything that challenged what it meant to be a man.
Faith, love and hope were not part of my father's preparing me to be a man, to be in control, to be able to withstand crisis situations with strength and dignity. My father was, after all, a warrior who saw combat in Korea, World War II and Vietnam. He also died an unhappy alcoholic. For him, he died a soldier first, not a father. But he still had been my primary role model and I knew I needed to work on being able to accept adversity without my male ego getting in the way.
The crisis situation?
It was precipitated by the eruptive death of Jocelyn's parents who were killed in a car accident. It had been one of those late night drives down Ventura Highway when Jaclyn's parents were hit head on by a semi truck driver, who had fallen asleep at the wheel. The truck driver demolished the car Jocelyn's parents were in and jack knifed the truck in the process. The truck driver died also when the truck flipped, breaking his neck and back. When Jocelyn was arranging the burial for her parents she was also confronted with enormous financial debt left by her parents. They had a Living Trust that named Jocelyn so everything, including the debts, fell on her. This included her parents Santa Monica home, which had two mortgages, and the fact her father had lost their savings in a bad investment scheme. No sooner did we have her parents in the ground when creditors began to do their vulture-circle around our home, threatening to take everything we owned.
We found ourselves in a situation similar to the one we were in a year earlier only this time we were in this together. There were no secretes. It quickly became clear we would need another source of income, even though I was (am) making fairly good money as a hospital administrator. Working for a large hospital demanded I be available almost 24 hours a day which meant it was almost impossible for me to take a second job. Other than her work a year ago at the adult webcam site Jocelyn had little real-life experience. The economy was still struggling and it was not a good time for her to go back to school, that would take time and money as well. We needed a second source of income to keep the creditors away from our doorstep, at least for a couple of years.
It was a few days after our return from Santa Monica when Jocelyn and I sat down late one evening to evaluate our situation. I was a little surprised when she came out of the bathroom that evening for our talk. She was wearing a dark pink top that showed a hint of cleavage. She was also wearing a pair of dangling ear rings I'd given her a few years ago. The top she wore was more of a tank top that left her navel exposed a navel that was now pierced with a single rhinestone stud. Beneath the navel she had on a pair of thigh-high black stockings and a very sexy, but tasteful pair of black lace panties. She had not gained any of the weight back she'd lost a year ago by running almost daily. In fact we now usually ran together in the early morning to stay in shape.
I also had not noticed that the corner of our bedroom had been painted red with a bamboo design that was very tasteful. Jocelyn did not come to me as I sat in bed g, waiting, wondering how we were going to deal with the debt left by her parents. Instead she walked over the corner of the bedroom and switched on a halogen floor lamp. It was then I noticed that the corner had been wallpapered, not painted, with an oriental looking red print. It was pleasing to the eye and I was beginning to get an idea about what was to come. My stomach churned, as in knots, with the glimmer of what was about to unfold.
"Jocelyn, what are . . . . "
"Shessssh. Let me show you, and then we can talk." I immediately closed my mouth.
There was a large divan sitting in the corner, one of our favorites for napping in or sitting to read. In this way one of us would not to disturb the other while sleeping. We'd gotten to the point where the presence of the other person was important for peace of mind so it was easy for me to sleep in the room if she wanted to read before bed.
Jocelyn then wheeled the computer monitor and computer (on a fancy computer stand made of hardwood) facing the corner. When she did this I immediately knew what she was doing. I wanted to immediately say, no way in hell! But I stopped myself as I wondered how much of my reaction simply was my male ego or my twisted sense of pride. I needed to let her continue. I knew it important for her to at least complete her, show?
Once the monitor was in place she turned it on so that I could see the image that was on the screen. Jocelyn then sat down on the divan facing the couch and I realized how sexy a woman I was married to. Her stomach was flat and the stocking did a wonderful job of highlighting her white skin.
"See the image Bobby?"
I nodded my head yes almost choking as I realized how I was becoming excited.
"Bobby, you have to talk to me as if you were watching me from out there, in cyber space, OK?"
"OK" I was recalling how I had ambushed her when I discovered her webcam job over a year ago.
Could I do this?
"Hi." I said back to her.
"Are you lonely, hun?" She was now looking at the monitor and not directly at me or the monitor and I willed myself to play along.
"No. . . . I mean yes" I realized this was, in a sense, a role play.
"What do you want?" Jocelyn was absent-mindedly playing with a strand of hair as she spoke.
"Ummm, well, what do you do?" By this point I was turned on by her show and knew I was hopeless to stop what was happening.
"Whatever you want." She then let a hand trace the skin above her top as if adjusting the tight fitting top she was wearing. She appeared to do this naturally but I knew this was part of her act. All the time she was appearing timid, shy, almost like a little girl plays up to her father.
"Can you show me, ah, your nipples . . . .?" I did not believe things would move this fast then realized I did not really understand the adult webcam business. Business?
"Sure, hun, if you want to tip me. Do you want to tip me, to see more?"
I swallowed hard knowing her seduction was so good that I would never think to say no.
"Yes. You are so beautiful." I meant every word I said.
"Thank you." She slowly lowered the straps to her top letting me see the black lace bra she wore underneath.
"Thanks for the tip, hun." Jocelyn was pretending I'd just tipped her. She then lowered the top of the bra, slowly, to reveal her pert hard nipples and white-white skin. I think my mouth had gone completely dry.
I sat silently completely mesmerized by her "show". I realized I probably could watch her do this all night long. But would I get jealous with her doing this for a cyber-space stranger?
"Do you want to see me naked?" She looked away from her monitor and directly into the camera. Then she put her lips together as if to throw me a kiss.
"Then you need to take me into private session. Do you want to do that?" Of course I did. It was also a relief she would not get naked in the public chat. Still, she would need to be naked for a customer. That customer would be nameless, invisible and could be from anywhere on the face of this earth. The customer was concealed while the model was not.
"Yes!" I then saw Jocelyn adjust the webcam to focus on the couch behind her. Once she had done this she moved back onto the couch and then looked at the camera. All the while she was smiling. If so much of our communication is nonverbal she would have to concentrate on appearing happy and pleased.
"Do you want me naked?" She asked again.
"Yes" Jocelyn had her clothes off, all but the thigh-high stockings and was reclining on the couch. God, I was so mesmerized.
"Now what do you want? Do you want me to play with myself?"
"Yes. Please." From the side of the couch she produced a small bottle of oil and placed a small amount on her fingers. Then she quickly began to rub her still shaved pussy. She seemed to be in a hurry. I would later learn that customers pay close to five dollars a minute for the privilege of "going private" with a model so it is important to give the customer what they want quickly.
"Do you want me to put my fingers inside my pussy?" Dumb question but it also excited me.
"Yes!" Without hesitation two oiled fingers disappeared between those lovely lower lips, her pussy. After a couple of minutes she withdrew the fingers and slowly placed them, one at a time, into her mouth to suck clean. She had to stop for a moment to adjust the camera to get the desired effect.
"Are you playing with yourself?" At that moment I was fully clothed and was not playing with myself.
"Yes." I answered.
"Do you have a big cock?" I wasn't sure what constituted a big cock. Jocelyn never complained before about me size wise. In fact she had been complimentary on more than one occasion. Still, the question caught me by surprise, mainly because it went to the heart of what it meant to "be a man."
"Yes." What man on the other side of this kind of a cyber-space connection is going to say no?
"How big is it? Tell me, hun." Do I lie or tell the truth?
"About 8 inches." I said.
"Tell momma the truth now. I think it's probably a bit bigger." She was smiling and licking her lips as she spoke. At the same time her free hand was massaging and pinching her left nipple. God, she knew how to flatter a man. I was silent. Mesmerized. Lost in how absolutely beautiful Jocelyn was at that moment.
"Still there lover?" She asked seductively. I wondered if I would be OK with her referring to a stranger as "lover".
"Good, because I'm now going to fuck you like you have never been fucked before!" I knew how good a lover she really was but her words were so convincing! She would have no difficulty exciting a cyber-space stranger with her words. Jocelyn was then off the divan and attacking me with a ferocity that was rare. It was wonderful to have her so aggressive. Could this be something to look forward to?
We never did have our talk the night of Jocelyn's demonstration. Passion overtook both of us and we made love into the hours of the early morning. Pure passion fueled by that sense of deep love that can't be explained without a sense of faith and hope.
We both woke, arm-in-arm, legs twisted around one another. Jocelyn's head was resting on my chest as she twirled my chest hair in much the same way she had absent-mindedly twirled her own hair while sitting in front of the webcam camera. Her fingers tickled and teased but they also told me she was awake and ready to talk. As much as I was craving a cup of coffee and a shower, it was time to get serious.
"So that's what it will be like?" I asked, referring to her "show" the night before.
"Pretty much. I would never go any further on camera than I did last night. Sometimes I might use a dildo."
"Do you own one?" I really didn't know if she did or not.
"No, well, yes." For a moment I was a little confused by her response then remembered she had used a black dildo over a year ago and quickly guessed she still had the rubber appendage. "I mean I would probably buy a couple less memorable dildos to use, if you said it was OK for me to do this." I was still troubled by the thought of Jocelyn going back to work on an adult webcam site but wasn't sure why.
"Oh . . ." I was beginning to think we'd come miles and miles in our relationship for Jocelyn to even consider this kind of work.
"Bobby, even though it is exciting, it is just a job." A year ago I would have not agreed with her.
"I guess I see that . . ." I did see it; I just had a few concerns.
"But you still have concerns, yes? What are they?" God, this woman knew me so well.
"Well, are there things you won't do on camera?" I could fell Jocelyn pinch one of my nipples, lovingly as if to say, of course. Actually pinching my nipples, feeling the softness of her lips on mine, were things she would never be able to share through the internet. It would still be nothing more than a fantasy.
"Yes. I won't fist myself or do anal. I also won't do anything that includes pissing, that sort of thing." That's good! Until her show last night there were things I hadn't considered could even be done. Pissing? Fisting? Women actually did this sort of thing for online customers? Then I realized whatever happened in "private" was something negotiated between the model and the out-of-sight customer.
"I also won't do anything you think is degrading to our relationship." This was probably the single thing that would end our relationship. If we didn't have the respect, regardless of whether things were said in a "fantasy" situation, then we were lost.
"Hmmmmm." I was pensive as I felt my breathing increase. There was still hesitation on my part.
"There is something else bothering you, what is it?" A year ago Jocelyn would not have asked this question. Hell, a year ago we would not even be having this conversation.
"Ah, well, where would you do this?" Last time she did this it was in secrete at a location I was not aware of. I did not like the idea of her going to a remodeled warehouse, or any place I could not control, or at least come to her rescue. Was this my male ego speaking? I felt this was not a safe thing to do and might put her in a situation where she might be tempted to do more than we'd agreed on.
That was when, still naked, Jocelyn got out of bed and walked over to the freshly wallpapered corner of our bedroom and sat down. Jocelyn sat down pulling her legs up to her chest. In this way you could not see her breasts or bare ass but she was seductive and provocative. Then she looked at the camera, which was off, and smiled.
"Right here." Jocelyn patted the couch as she spoke. "I wouldn't have to go anyplace and I could work the hours of my choosing. You would always know where I was and what I was doing. Then, when I got especially turned on I could turn off the cam and jump your bones!" In that instant Jocelyn had jumped back into bed sitting on top of me, letting me feel her naked sex, as I began to grow yet again.
Jocelyn looked at me and for a moment seemed to pull away. She was getting very good at sensing my feelings which made me feel good but was also a little disquieting.
"There is something else. What is it?" It was more of a feeling I was experiencing than a rational thought.
"I think I know . . . you are concerned that, once I start, my sex drive may drop off, that I may not be responsive to you. Is this it?" She was dead on target but I was hesitant to let my selfish wants and needs surface.
"That will not happen, Bobby. Unlike last time, I don't have to hide anything from you. When I did this before there were times when I finished working in front of the camera and was horny beyond belief. I also did not feel good about myself, my looks. I felt guilty about what I was doing and like I could not get the dirt off, even after a shower. So I rejected myself first. This time I will be home and everything I do will be for you, for my love for you and our family." Jocelyn then snuggled in the safety of my arms.
Yes, we made love once more before realizing that sustenance (at least coffee!) and the warmth of a long shower was long overdue.
After six months of working the hours of 8:00AM to 12:00PM, Monday thru Friday Jocelyn had begun to develop an online following. She never worked on the weekend and was always available for me or family. The income she generated was also good enough to stave off the creditors. Everything she made from the adult webcam business went to pay off debts. It was also a time when I did come to grips with that side of myself that seemed to always get in the way of "being a man". Jocelyn was never on-line when the kids were home. This meant the chances of her being discovered by the kids or their friends were slim though I think our oldest son had some idea why the corner of the bedroom looked like an Oriental studio. We ended up wallpapering the entire bedroom to dispel the impression.