Things My Mother Told Her

Anyway, Bob did have one thing right. In a lot of his stories the guy just moved out and moved on with his life without ever divorcing the cheating whore. I'd taken some time and looked into it on the internet and legally, men and women don't have to live together just because they're married. I decided that no matter what happened, Kathy and I were through. Now on the internet this would be where the new hot woman enters the story, smelling and looking great. She immediately falls in love with average Joe (namely me) and leaps gracefully over a crowd of rich guys, politicians, bodybuilders and just general ne'er do wells, all of whom have been gifted with foot long dicks that are as thick as beer cans.

As I finished my run, I started looking around for her. I looked behind trees. I looked on the benches. I remembered that in one of those stories the couple started out by fucking in the bushes in the park. I dove into the bushes trying to find her, but I didn't find shit. Boy was I pissed at Bob and all of those other internet writers. I had thorns and thistles in my hair and my socks as I emerged from the bushes with a grimace on my face.

"What were ya looking for?" asked the other runner. You remember him. He was the guy I said I'd never spoken to. He picked one of life's most embarrassing moments to start a conversation with me. On closer inspection, he didn't really look much like a runner. He looked older up close and to be honest, crazier.

I didn't want to tell him that I'd been looking for my imaginary perfect woman that the writers on the internet had promised me, so I held up my keys. "You look kind of off," he said. "Even when you were running; you just looked different. You didn't seem to be as focused or as happy as usual. Believe me; I know what that's like..."

"Oh shit," I thought. Here it comes. Please old guy, don't tell me your problems or your fucking life story. But he did. He droned on and on endlessly about his youth spent on the "Mighty Missip," and about a thousand other useless items and bits of trivia. Finally, he told me about how his only son, who was incidentally about my age, recently died of a sudden brain aneurism that was probably genetic, because they ran in his family. Just as I was hoping that his would pop, he surprised me. He actually asked me about my problems.

There has to be something about that whole thing about the kindness of strangers, because I just unloaded on him. And unlike what I'd done to him, he actually listened to my whining about Kathy and what she'd done and how unfair the divorce laws were. I even told him, since I figured that we didn't know each other from (I hate to say it) Adam, that I'd given just disappearing a strong consideration.

After that he just smiled at me and said, "See ya' tomorrow." As I headed back to my car, I actually felt better.

When I got back to the car, I started my usual post run rituals. I had a towel that I kept in the trunk and wiped down every trace of sweat, twice. Then I put on a warm-up suit. I wasn't cold, I just wanted to make sure I didn't damage my car's leather interior with any of my foul odors or fluids.

As I opened the door, I noticed that my iPhone was ringing. I didn't recognize the number but I answered it just for shits and giggles.

"Brian, this is Pearl," she began. Even her voice made me think of clouds, roses, twin screw superchargers and other wonderful things.

"We need to have a talk," she continued. "Can you come and bail me out of jail?"

"Pearl, I can't imagine you in jail," I said. "What did you do?"

"Oh, I got into a big fight in the hospital with your whore of a wife," she said. "It started when I was trying to find out why my pig of a husband was in the emergency room, naked as a jaybird, with his nuts swollen up to the size of cantaloupes, two broken ribs and his nose pushed so far into his head that he lost at least three IQ points. They said that if you'd hit him any harder you'd have killed him. They also have to do surgery to get his balls back down into his scrotum. It's a good thing we already have a son because well...the prognosis for future procreation is questionable."

"They asked me to bring clothes for him when I came down. So I asked them what happened to his clothes. That was when they told me that he'd been naked when they picked him up. They also gave me your address. This is when things started to get interesting. I walked into the emergency room and heard my fat assed husband talking to the medical staff. He was asking them for pain killers and screaming about how badly his nuts hurt. I thought he'd had some kind of accident at work. As soon as I got near him and asked him what had happened. He started telling me they'd given him something and it was making him sleepy. He dropped right off to sleep. The nurse standing there told me that she hadn't given him shit. I knew that something funny was going on. I'm talking about funny bullshit, not funny ha ha."

"Then your whore came over to me and started telling me how sorry she was and how she'd make it up to me but her first priority was talking to you. I asked her what the hell she was talking about and she tried to blow me off. She acted like she'd already said too much. Then I asked her why Josh had been at your house naked and what had happened and it all made sense. I figure you must've caught them doing something didn't you?" she asked.

"Anyway, she tried to just give me the bum's rush and go over to Josh. She told him not to speak to you until she worked all of this out. She told him not to talk to anyone because she was going to fix it. The bastard actually opened his eyes and nodded to her. As soon as he saw me coming up, he went back to pretending to be asleep. So I grabbed her by the shoulder to move her out of the way and she tried to swing at me. I grabbed her by the hair and launched her across the room. Unfortunately, she knocked one of the nurses down and the security guards separated us and called the police."

"The only person who can come and get me, with Josh in the hospital, is you and since you're the one I need to talk to about this anyway, will you please come and get me?" she asked in that little girl voice of hers.

"I'll be right down?" I said. I hung up the phone and started my car. Almost as soon as I disconnected, the phone rang again. I answered it immediately.

"Brian Honey, I need you to come and get me. I'm in jail," said Kathy.

"Fuck you, I hope you rot," I said hanging the phone up. I drove straight to the station and asked where Pearl was. He told me that she was in the last cell on the right. I looked through the room. There were several cells along the outsides of the room. In the center there was a big desk with a mean looking guy reading the paper. There was a phone and an ATM machine.

As I got close to the cells and could see the occupants through the screen they had blocking them from viewing the area outside of the cell block, Kathy stood up and started calling me.

"Brian, Honey," she yelled at the top of her lungs. "I knew you'd come for me, I just knew it. Just you watch. We're going to work all of this out and be even happier than we were before and..." her words trailed off as I passed right by her and kept going. I gestured to the guy at the desk and he came over.

"I'm here to rescue one of your puppies," I said.

"Be careful," he said. "Not all of them have had their shots. That bitch over there for instance is a menace."

"Yeah, I know, " I said. "She's my wife."

"Sorry, guy," he said. "I didn't mean..."

"Don't worry about it," I told him. "You're right."

"Well, you need five hundred bucks to spring her," he said.

"I'm not here for her ass. How much for the blond?" I asked.

He looked curiously at me. "Are you serious?" he asked. I nodded.

"Well, Pearl can go with you for only two fifty," he told me.

"Why the difference?" I asked.

"They both started with disturbing the peace," he said. "The arresting officers didn't bring any further charges against them because they were both emotionally distraught. But your wife kept getting lippy and had to be restrained. She's just been a general pain in the ass."

"Better your ass than mine," I said. "May I have a few moments with Pearl?"

"Of course," he said and led me over to her cell.

"Thanks for coming Brian," she said quietly. "I'm curious. How are you going to get both of us home without us tearing each other's hair out? Are you going to try to charm us into acting like ladies until we resolve this or are you going to manhandle us and make us toe the line?"

"Neither," I said. "I'm only here to get you. I'm leaving her ass in jail. It'll probably take a while for the paperwork to come through but as far as I'm concerned, she's no longer my problem."

"Hm, first time huh?" she asked. "Well, don't waste your money trying to bail me out. This card belongs to Josh. The pin number is his birthday, nine six seven six. Take out enough money for us to go to dinner and talk about this too."

I did. I went to the ATM machine and drew out four hundred dollars. I bailed Pearl out. The screaming as I walked out of the room and left Kathy in her cell was incredible. She sounded like a scalded cat.

I had a nice dinner at Texas Roadhouse with Pearl and we talked about the whole incident. It turned out that Josh had cheated on Pearl before. I listened to her tear filled story about how she'd caught him before but then as now she was trapped. Their son worshiped his father and she just couldn't see hurting the boy for something his asinine father had done. Someday she'd leave him, but not until their son was old enough to deal with it.

Once again, if this had been an internet story, I'd have fucked her every which way possible and we'd have discovered that we had the unique skill to pleasure each other in ways that no other earthly mortals could. We'd be soul mates forever and nothing would ever separate us. Back in the real world, not only did I not get any pussy, I didn't even get a goodnight kiss. Shit, I didn't get a handshake, but I did make a new friend.

When I pulled into the driveway and walked up to the house, I was really happy. I liked Pearl. She was a really special lady and I'd had a great time. I was humming a happy tune when something leaped out of the darkness of my porch and scared the shit out of me.

"Well, did you have a good time with Pearl? Are we even now? Do you know how long I've been sitting out here?" screamed Kathy. "My fucking key doesn't work. I had to take a dump in my God damned rose bushes. My ass is all scratched up. Do you know what it feels like to have a constant pain in your ass?"

I let that one slide. It was just too easy. "Why are you here?" I asked calmly.

"We're going to talk about this like adults and then make up," she said. "You really don't understand what is going on here. And you're doing this all wrong."

She was just speaking gibberish, so I walked right past her and opened the door. Then I closed it right back because she was just too close to me. I couldn't get inside without slamming the door on one of her body parts and having to go to jail for some trumped up assault charge.

"Wait here," I said. "It's going to rain tomorrow. I have to put my car in the garage."

"Everyone besides you can let their car get wet," she said. "Who owns whom? Is the Mustang your car or does it own you? Do you know how stupid that is?"

"Do you know how stupid it is to get fooled by the old 'I have to put my car in the garage trick'?" I whispered under my breath.

I used the remote inside of the car to open the garage door and pulled my car inside. Then I closed the door behind me and went into the house through the connecting door. Once inside the house, I turned on the TV and started to watch the news. Kathy started banging on the door and demanding to be let in. I turned off the lights and went to bed. It only took about twenty minutes for the police to arrive. When they knocked on the door, I yelled out the window that I'd be right down."

I opened the door and stepped out onto the porch. "Good evening sir," began the officer. "This woman claims you're keeping her out of her home. We got a call about some crazy woman causing a disturbance. What's going on here?"

"That is my soon to be ex-wife," I said, calmly yawning as if they'd awakened me. "I caught her cheating on me and threw her out." I went inside and grabbed my phone. I showed him the video.

"What a couple of whales," he said. Then he realized that Kathy was one of the whales. "Sorry ma'am,"

"Fuck you," she snapped.

"Not on a bet," he retorted.

"Anyway," I continued. "I threw her out, pending our divorce. The house is in my name alone. I bought it before we got engaged. Hang on for a second. Don't let her inside my house." I went into the office and grabbed a copy of my mortgage and my deed.

I brought them out and showed them to the officers. They nodded and told Kathy to move along. "Where am I supposed to go?" she asked.

"Anywhere but here," I said snidely. "Kathy, I'll pack up all of your stuff and put it outside for you. You can pick it up tomorrow. I'll even leave it on the porch for you just in case it rains. Unlike you, I have a job so I'll start by leaving you a few boxes every day until the weekend comes. Saturday, I'll get everything of yours out of the house."

"Brian, I don't want a divorce," she screamed. "We need to sit down and discuss this like rational adults."

"Yeah, blah blah blah," I said. "Good night officers."

The next day, as I pulled into my driveway after work, I was surprised to see my dad waiting for me. "Hey son, can we talk?" he asked. I nodded, wondering what the hell he needed. I loved my dad. He'd practically raised me by himself. There was very little I wouldn't do for the guy.

"What are your plans for the evening?" he asked.

"Throw a few weights around, and then go out for a run," I said. "Nothing major."

"Can WE talk for a while and then you can go and run?" he asked.

"Sure," I said.

I opened the door and he explained to me that Kathy was staying with him and my mom. As soon as he said my mom, my stomach started to hurt. I knew that Mom would take Kathy's side. They'd try to give me some ass brained Oprah wisdom with a side of girl power thrown in that would make it seem like this bullshit was my fault somehow. He thought it would be a good idea if we all got together to talk about this.

"No Dad," I said. "I love you but this isn't your business."

"But son," he said. "I raised you to be better than this. When you were a kid, I..."

"Oh please don't give me that shot about teaching me right from wrong and living life like the good book says," I whined. "You did all of that shit and look where it got you. Besides, this isn't about you and me talking. We both know that this is a scheme to get me to talk to Kathy about what she did. This is her way to try to convince me that this shit is somehow my fault. I somehow did something to make her spread her legs for Josh and we should forgive each other and roll on."

"By the time she's done, we'll all be sitting around the campfire singing Kum by Yah and trying to do the wave. Fuck her. I ain't buying it. Tell her that I should have a lawyer soon and we'll sit down and talk once the papers are ready and she signs them." He nodded at me and went back to his car.

I loved my dad, but I had no respect for him.

Things progressed rapidly over the next few days. I got a lawyer, he drew up divorce papers. Now to be honest, the guy I got wasn't the best. He was the cheapest. He even downloaded the papers from the internet. I was fine with it. I didn't want to spend even a quarter extra to get rid of the bitch.

He did do me one great favor though. He went and saw Josh. He had both Josh and I sign non-prosecution agreements or some other legal shit. It basically meant that Josh wouldn't sue me or prosecute me for whipping his ass. And I wouldn't sue him for destroying my marriage. I'm pretty sure that Pearl had something to do with it. I found out later that she liked the new Josh. Actually I did too. Since he was now technically a eunuch, he didn't have the problem of all of that excess testosterone running around in his system. The doctors having to remove his balls made life easier for all of us. He was far more agreeable and much less of an asshole.

Kathy got the papers when they were delivered to her by a gum chewing, college girl who looked bored. She didn't sign them. Her lawyer immediately asked for a settlement meeting to counter my offer. My lawyer told me that it was some kind of ploy. He said that technically what they should have done was to send us a counter offer; especially since my offer was more like a slap to her face. My offer basically amounted to Kathy having to just take her shit and git. No alimony, no support, no nothing. I was not going to pay that slut a dime for cheating on me. My lawyer told me that it was basically an insult.

I told him she'd insulted me by fucking the being formerly known as Josh in my house. We gathered in Kathy's lawyer's office. As I looked around, I noticed that her lawyer had nice stuff. Nice stuff is expensive and has to be paid for. She looked across the table and smiled at me. She'd gone all out. She'd had her hair done. She was wearing an outfit that I loved. It made her ass look less fat. She'd obviously had her makeup done professionally.

"How the hell are you paying for all of this?" I asked. "You don't have a job." Her lawyer got noticeably nervous when I said that.

"Your mom and dad loaned me some money," she said. "I figured we'd pay them back after we get back together again."

I started laughing immediately. "What's so funny, Honey?" she asked.

"We're here to talk about our divorce," I told her. "What gives you the idea that we're going to get back together?"

"I love you dummy," she said. "We're going to be just like your parents."

If this was five years ago, the look I gave her would have been done by a wrestler known as, "The Rock." It would have been called the people's eyebrow. Suddenly, her lawyer, my lawyer and I were all passing glances between us. Our expressions all said the same thing, "Bitches be crazy!"

"Can we get back to the divorce?" asked my lawyer.

"Sounds like a plan," said her guy. "We've put together a theoretical counter offer that I'd like you to peruse in the event that we can't somehow manage to work things out between you two. But before we talk about ugly things like divorces and settlements, may I suggest counseling?"

"I don't want to talk about any of that," whined Kathy. "You guys can work all of the numbers out. I am only here to talk to my husband and try to explain what happened and why."

I looked over the papers her lawyer handed and started laughing.

"What's so funny?" asked her lawyer. "This settlement is based on recent settlements awarded in cases similar to yours in this state."

"Remember the episode on Star Trek when Spock fell in love with that human woman? I feel like telling you what Kirk told him." He looked at me curiously.

"You're out of your Vulcan mind," I said, mimicking Shatner's iconic delivery.

"There is no way I'm giving that slut anything except air and opportunity," I said.

"What kind of opportunity?" she asked. "If you're talking about the opportunity to stay married, I'll take it."

"I was actually talking about the opportunity to get the fuck away from me," I said.

"Brian, if you can't listen to reason, I'll take every God damned dime you have," she said. "If we go into court neither one of us will be happy. I'm not being unreasonable here. All I want is to go back to what we had. You don't even know why this happened. You haven't even had the decency to let me explain. If we go to court your ass is grass."