Thoughts Revisited

Many have asked for Carol's side of the story. You will understand this story much better if you first read 'Thoughts'. Thank you to Estragon who always makes my stories a much better read.

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My name is Carol Beal. I read the story that my deceased husband wrote and would like to straighten out a few facts, or at least give a different opinion. First of all, I still consider him my husband and always will. I truly loved him, no matter what anyone else thinks.

I've read many reader comments. I've been called a bitch, cunt, whore and many other names. Many wished me shot, stabbed, gang banged and even killed. I was a little overwhelmed with some comments. There are a few facts that Bob left out or forgot about. I'm not here to hurt his memory but to tell why I did some of the things I did.

When I first met Bob I fell head over heels in love with him. I was working for his sister and she told me he liked me. I thought I'd play it cool and wait before going out with him. After about a month, we started dating. We had at least four dates before we made love.

I was a virgin when I met Bob. I remember telling him to be gentle with me, I wasn't sure what I would be feeling. He was a good lover. He always waited for me to reach an orgasm, which never took long. Sometimes I would even have more than one.

I know I've been accused of cheating on Bob. I want to go on record that I never cheated on him. There were many times I could have, but I just wasn't going for that kind of revenge. When Tom wrote the end of Bob's story, he said I had sex with him. It is true, but I will explain that later.

My early years with Bob were great. We made love most every night. He didn't even care if I was on my period. We were just young lovers and tried a number of different positions. Even after our three kids were born we still made love at least twice a week. I wasn't always in the mood but I often did it for Bob.

I need to say this even though it hurts me, but Bob cheated on me more times than he mentioned in his story. Maybe he forgot about a couple of them or just didn't want to look bad. After reading his story, I wasn't interested in his affairs after our divorce, I was hurt, though, to see he had sex with my girlfriend Jen.

If I would have known he did more than kiss her I would have killed them both. We did keep a gun in the closet. I'm a short woman, usually pretty happy, but I can go berserk pretty easy. I guess it was in my up bringing with nine siblings. I wasn't afraid of anyone when I got mad.

Luckily, Jen moved away quite a few years ago. I have a tendency of carrying long-term grudges, as you have probably guessed. I want to talk about some of the good things in our life before delving deeper into his cheating.

Our kids were everything to us. We went to all their school and sporting events. They were wonderful kids and are now sensible parents. We did all we could for them and I spent a lot of time teaching them right from wrong.

Bob mentioned that he heard me tell the girls about being molested while growing up. I was with a few of my girlfriends and a man approached us with candy. Yes, it was a very long time ago and we all learned from it. The man touched us inappropriately and then showed us his nakedness.

We ran and I told my mom and she called the police. He was arrested and went to jail. I told Bob about it a dozen times. He just never separated being raped and being molested. We were not raped but were touched very inappropriately. I wanted to explain that to my daughters.

The problem was it stuck with me. A lot of men might not understand it but I'm sure the women readers do. It's something you never forget even though you want to in the worst way. It was part of the reason I had a hard time touching Bob's penis, even though I did a number of times. I just couldn't give him oral sex. It hurt me because he always did it to me and I loved it.

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Bob also mentioned that I didn't want to travel with him. That wasn't totally false. He might have seen it that way but the truth was he wanted to get a camper after he retired and travel all over the states living out of the camper.

I didn't want to leave my kids and grandkids to live out of a camper. We did travel all the time while the kids were growing up. Each year we took vacations as a family. We toured Ohio and parts of many other states including Kentucky, Pennsylvania, West Virginia and Indiana.

We took the kids to Kings Island a dozen times and Cedar Point as well. We flew to Disney World and had a wonderful time. We went as a family many more places as well, just too many to list here. After the kids were grown we took a cruise with friends. I thought it would be more fun having friends go along.

Bob wanted to go to Dollywood and Tennessee, and we did. I just wanted him to know that camping wasn't my thing, especially starting at sixty years old.

I did like to go on the one-day jaunts to see shows, plays and sight-see. Bob knew that but made me out the bad guy. When my sister Dawn and I saw him at one of the tours after our divorce he accused me of not wanting to be with him but I would gladly go with someone else. We approached him to let him know he was welcome to go on these one-day tours with us but he basically told us to go to hell. I can't tell you how much that hurt.

I guess it's time to talk about the unhappy part of our marriage. As I mentioned earlier, I didn't know Bob cheated with Jen. If I knew, it would have been all over right then. Jen had told me nothing else happened and I believed her, seeing Bob said the same thing.

It was after he entered the insurance business that things seem to change. He worked a lot of late hours. He spent less time with the kids and it was almost like a one parent household. Don't get me wrong here. Bob did a wonderful job of helping support the family financially but wasn't there for a lot of the family time. He claimed I liked the things he bought for us, and I really did (who wouldn't?), but that's not the whole story.

We would argue like most husbands and wives do. We both worked but when it was time for dinner or the clothes needed to be washed, I was expected to do it all. The kids did help me but Bob would come home and sit in front of the TV while I did the work.

We argued over and over that I wanted him to help me. I wasn't the maid, cook and everything else he wanted me to be. He always came back with he was the bread winner and worked hard all day and deserved to come home to peace and quiet.

I blew my stack and told him to go to hell. From now on I would see dinner would be on the table for the family and if he was there, fine. We weren't going to hold dinner for him every night. I then told him he could wash his own damn clothes. I was tired of being his maid. I worked hard everyday also.

It went on like this for quite a while. We had our good days and our not so good days. That was until one night my friend Marsha stopped over and said she saw Bob in the next town over having lunch with a woman.

I was shocked but quickly made an excuse for him saying it was a customer and they were having lunch while discussing her company's insurance. Marsha told me I had better watch out because the woman really looked good. Of course she laughed afterwards.

That night I questioned Bob on his day and he told me he had a couple of business appointments. He never told me about the woman and said he wasn't hungry, that he stopped at McDonald's and grabbed a couple of sandwiches for lunch.

I wasn't sure whether to press the issue of the woman and lunch. I began to not trust him. I hated that, we had enough problems without wondering if he was faithful to me. I did check his wallet one night and found a condom. That really pissed me off, seeing he had a vasectomy.

I questioned him about it and he said he was cleaning our son's old bedroom down the basement and found it on the floor. He just put it in his wallet not thinking much about it. I didn't say anything else but now I was on patrol. I watched his every move.

That's when I found him with a young woman. It was the third time he went to the same house in a week. The last time he went right after receiving a phone call. I waited outside for over half an hour. He didn't even take in his briefcase. The day before there was a teenage girl in the yard when I drove by.

When he came home an hour later I could see it in his face. He cheated on me. I tried to hold my cool even though I wanted to kill him. He did tell me it was a one-time thing and he felt sorry about it. He asked me if I wanted him to leave, which of course would mean the start of a divorce.

I loved him but at the same time I hated him for what he had done to our marriage. Looking back I guess I could have kicked his ass out and divorced him, but I still loved him.

I wanted revenge but at the same time I knew I wasn't the type to cheat on him. That's when I told him he could stay. I would no longer sleep in the same room with him or if he chose he could just leave. I left it up to him.

He chose to stay. Yes, I held back sex. That was my revenge on him. As a family we still did things together, attended all the parties and family events. No one that I know of knew about our sexual problems. To the world, we were still the perfect couple, but inside I was hurting.

I did go out with my girlfriends maybe once every couple of months. We went out to dinner, bingo and to a lot of girl parties where you buy things. Sometimes we went to the lounge and had drinks. At times we were asked to dance.

Yes, I did dance with other men but if they became inappropriate I asked that to stop. If they didn't I wasn't above yelling at them in public. My girlfriends will vouch for me on this issue. One man wouldn't stop and put his hand back on my ass. I grabbed a fork and jabbed it into his hand.

All hell broke loose and he was asked to leave. After that time, any man that I danced with knew that "no" meant "no". That doesn't mean they never tried touching me, it meant when I said "stop" they did so. I'm willing to say a few times I let their hands linger longer than I should have but they never got under my clothes.

Needless to say after I drank and went home, Bob would try and initiate sex with me. I always let him, mainly because I still wanted him. I led him on to believe it was the drinking, but it was kind of a way to make love with Bob and at the same time he thought drinking got him the sex he wanted.

We went on this way for years. Most of the time our life went rather well, at least I thought so. Granted we made love only every couple of months, but it was good. I ran into a period of time during my change of life that I know I was hard to live with. I'm sure most women, and their men too, go through hell during this time.

I was irritable much too often and knew I was taking it out on Bob. After that I had some major surgeries and Bob stood by my side. He was always there for me during these times and at the death of both of our parents. I really wanted to forgive him for cheating but it was hard.

I had a couple of personal surgeries to look better. Bob didn't agree but he went along. It did make me feel better about myself. I knew I was getting older and less attractive.

We went on a short trip with our friends and that night I initiated the love making with Bob. I even tried oral sex but I just couldn't do it. I wanted Bob to know that I really loved him.

After that we had sex a little more often, maybe once a month. I was really trying but every now and then I got visions of Bob fucking other women. I couldn't control it. I wished I could forget but wasn't able to.

When our first grandchild was born, I talked with Bob and told him I wanted to quit work and be a stay at home babysitter for our granddaughter. He told me we were financially secure and that it was all right with him.

I loved being able to watch my grandbabies. It was almost like being a new mother all over again. I watch all our grandchildren from time to time. I love spending time with them, even as they're growing up.

I did run into a major health problem. I had to have a partial hysterectomy. Just when it seemed like our sex life was rather normal for older people I had this problem.

It was six months before we could have sex again. Bob came into my room one time and started kissing my pussy. I really wanted him to. It had been so long. He went to stick a finger in me and it hurt like hell. I figured I must have not been healed up enough inside.

Bob stopped and told me I should go see the doctor. I had my regular appointment coming up in a few months and told him I was going to wait. He wasn't overly happy about that and went to his room.

Other than the sex, life seemed normal until one day I saw Bob's truck parked behind a neighbor's house. It was Cindy, one of the divorced women from our church. It was the woman that Bob said he had sex with after our divorce. I beg to differ; I'd seen his truck over at Cindy's a few times before, too.

I didn't say anything. It was basically all over for me. It was just a matter of time before I would divorce him. I was much older now and had to get myself in order to live my life without him.

The only person I told was my sister and that's when we started making plans for me to move in with her. I did see the doctor and he did tell me that my insides were not completely healed but they were now and I shouldn't have any problems. I had no intentions of having sex with Bob again.

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Then came the day of Bob taking me on the pool deck. I told him 'no' and yelled at him over and over; he didn't care. He ripped my bathing suit and basically raped me. I have to admit I was scared but at the same time was very hot. Bob would never hurt me on purpose but the thought of him forcing me made me really angry.

I actually had to pee and he wouldn't stop. He told me if I had to go that bad to just go, and I did. I must have peed for a good half a minute. My pee was going everywhere. At the same time I was having an orgasm. One like I've never felt before. It was incredible.

When Bob finished coming in me I ran inside the shower. My emotions were all over the place. I was getting ready to divorce him, since I couldn't take any more of his cheating and at the same time I had the best sex of my life with him. I cried as I got out of the shower. I packed a suitcase and told Bob I was going to my sister's.

A couple of days later I talked to Bob about the divorce. I told him I knew about Cindy and I couldn't go through it all over again. I showed him a fair divorce settlement and told him I had already talked to our kids.

I hated doing this but I needed to do something. It was the hardest thing I ever did, leaving Bob. I'll love him till the day I die. It's just that I couldn't take it anymore.

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During our three-month separation he kept asking me to come back. I told him I couldn't. I just could not live like that any longer. My sister went to see her son and I decided to drown my sorrows. I got drunk and took a shower. I was sitting in the living room when the doorbell rang. It was Tom, who had been both our friend and Bob's best friend.

He said he thought he would come over and see how I was doing. One thing led to another and I told him how much I missed Bob and began crying. He put his arms around me and was hugging me.

All I could think about in my drunken state was my husband and before I knew it I was having sex with Tom on the sofa. When I came to my senses it was too late and Tom was coming in me. He was the only other man that I had ever had sex with besides my husband.

I asked him to get off of me, which he did. He apologized over and over about how sorry he was. I asked him to leave. I was a mess and called his wife Linda and apologized to her for what happened between me and Tom. She was my best friend and I didn't want to lose her. I had already lost Bob.

I saw Bob at the grandkids' events and he always showed up for their birthdays. We invited him to every family event and he usually came but never stayed very long. That was until Thanksgiving.

He stayed longer than usual and he looked like he had lost a lot of weight. He got mad at me for questioning him and told me I always said he needed to lose weight, which wasn't true. I was worried and called his doctor but they said they couldn't release any information to me since I was no longer his wife.

I asked Tom a number of times about different things, like him going on a trip to Michigan and Kentucky with Bob. I remembered that was what Bob did with his father before he died. That's how he said his goodbyes. I was really worried about Bob.

At Christmas he showed up at Kim's and bought everyone gift certificates, even me. I watched him the whole day. He even played games with the grandkids. I knew something was wrong but he wouldn't talk to me.

He called all the kids and even me to wish us a Happy New Year. I wished him one too and told him I loved him. Two days later I got the call from Linda saying Bob was dying and was in the University Hospital. I called Tom's cell phone and told him I wanted to speak to Bob. I was yelling at Tom, I wasn't going to give up till I talked to Bob.

Tom told me he was near death and had already received his last rites. He put the phone next to Bob's ear and I told him I loved him and always have. I miss him so much. The next thing I heard was Tom telling me that Bob had passed. I sat down and cried; I couldn't stop. The only man I had ever loved had just left me forever. I would never see him again.

Tom came over the next day and told me and the kids the whole story about Bob having cancer and didn't want to bother any of us with it. He was named executor of Bob's estate and told us how it was all getting divided.

I asked Tom why he left me anything at all. He told me Bob still loved me and wanted the rest of my life to be comfortable. He also knew that when I passed I would give everything to our kids and grandkids.

At the funeral, I was his wife; I didn't care a damn what anyone thought. They could talk about me behind my back as much as they wanted to. He was my husband for forty-two years, some very good, some good and some not so good.

I hope this answers some of the questions that the readers have. I may not be the nicest little old lady in town but I am who I am. If we had to do it all over I would have married him in a heartbeat. I would hope that he would not have cheated on me and things would have been a lot better.

I guess I always wanted him around me. I felt safe with him being there. Maybe I should have divorced him the first I heard of him cheating on me. Please don't throw it all in my lap. He could have left anytime he felt like it. Like me we tried to make a go of it.

If I was to leave any words of wisdom, it would be, "Don't cheat on your spouse. If you do you are starting down a very troubled road."

Bob, if you're able to read this I hope to be with you again one day. To hell with the naysayer's.

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Thank you for reading my story

Comments are welcome and appreciated

DG Hear