To Be Wanted

The most fun was the day we went to the Zoo and the Museum of Natural History. She seemed the most relaxed since I had met her. I tried to call her regularly; feeling she needed contact with people to keep coming out of her shell. At least that's what I told myself why I was calling her.

The last time I saw her was in mid-March when I helped her pack a rental van. She was going to get a new truck from her job so she was renting a van to take her stuff to Grand Junction. I was going to carry all the heavy stuff, but she surprised me again when I saw how strong she was. I kidded her about it, but she replied seriously.

"Cal, I've been working all my life. For too many years there was no man around our farm, so I had to do whatever needed doing." She smirked a little, and continued, "You better not ever get me mad or you will find out how strong I really am!"

When she was ready to go I stood by her window as she started the van to say goodbye. There must have been something wrong with her because she looked a little blurry.

After she was gone I felt empty. It was like being in the sun on a warm day and a cloud passes over. You don't realize how good the sunshine was until it was gone. Was Jessica my sunshine?

The girls I had dated and worked with seemed pale and boring now. It was a strange interlude for me: my internship was coming to a close and I had a new life awaiting me in Grand Junction. I was going to realize my lifelong dream and be a family doctor. I was excited about being back with my family. Even with the frequent visits through my school years, I really missed them.

So with all my life ahead of me I couldn't understand why everything seemed so flat! It was like one of those movies that start in black-and-white to establish the mood, and then fade to color and then back to black-and-white for the credits. After the color and life of Jesse, everything seemed lifeless and grey now.

Jan kept me abreast of what Jesse was doing – it seems they had become best buddies. I was happy about that. I also heard from my parents and from my older brother Jake about her visits to the ranch. I was curious to see her little horse ranch in De Beque.

Winter quickly turned to summer as it does in Colorado. We had eight inches of snow at the end of May and three days later it was in the mid-eighties!

I didn't think I would be able to make the big family get-to-gather for the Fourth of July but suddenly it worked out. I would have a full week at home. It had been months since I had seen Jesse and I was excited about seeing her again. I wouldn't be able to take all of my stuff but I got some boxes and filled up the back of the truck and took off on a warm evening heading west.

As I got near the rest area where I found Jessica that fateful night I felt a strong impulse to pull in. I don't know what I was expecting so I poured a cup of coffee from my ever-full thermos and sat on the hood, remembering that too cold night, slowly sipping the coffee. After I finished the coffee I walked over to a pine tree and broke off a handful of needles, crushing them between my fingers. Holding them to my nose and inhaling the sweet, pungent aroma, remembering the sharp scent in the air that cold windless night... I knew I was in love with Jesse. More than in love, I knew that Jesse completed me.

Strangely the thought came to my mind that we were like two pieces of a jigsaw story: individually we didn't mean anything but together we had a story to tell. That image comforted me on the long drive up and over the mountains, to the dry hot mesas of western Colorado.

I was excited but tired as I drove down the long driveway at the ranch. Pulling into the yard in front of the house, I stopped and looked at the sun setting over the mesas to the west. The sky seemed on fire with golds and reds and oranges smeared together in a panoply covering the sky; a magnificent display of the wonder of life... and love. It was a sight I never forgot and one I always associated with the deep love I developed for Jesse.

It was great to be with the folks again, and Jake and his family. I was thrust into the limelight, feeling like the prodigal son. The love of family is a special kind of love and it felt good. But it seemed as if something was missing, a piece of the puzzle of life not there; and by its absence I was reminded how much I wanted and needed it.

Jan and her husband and her fast growing baby came over for dinner. It was great to see her – because of the age differences (Jake was ten years older than me but I was only about eighteen months older than Jan), I had always felt the closest to her. After dinner she walked me out to the corral. There was a colt with its mother there, the colt couldn't have been more that a month old. It would dance up to us, curious, interested. The slightest movement and it would bound away. A few minutes later it would come nosing up again, curiosity overcoming fear for a moment.

This was repeated a number of times and then Jan put her hand on my shoulder, nodded at the colt, and gently said, "Cal look at that colt. That's Jesse. Watch it move... see its love, its fear. If you love Jesse, and I think you do, remember this. You need gentleness and patience to win her over. Even then, there will be times she shies away. Just wait for her; she will come back."

"But, Jan," I stuttered a bit, "But, Jan, how will I know what she feels about me?"

"Well, Cal, how do you feel about her?"

Simply, I said, "Jan, I love her. Do you remember that song about a never-ending love? How does that go?"

"I've got a never-ending love for you

From now on that's all I want to do.

From the first time we met I knew,

I'd have a never ending love for you."

"That's how I feel about her!"

"Well, when she talked to me she said that she had, "A Forever Kind of Love" for you! You guys better get your stories straight!"

I had to laugh at that. And maybe, just maybe, Jan was right.

I slept great, as I always do when I come home. Unfortunately, being home revived old habits and I woke well before dawn. I walked down to the corral and saddled a spirited roan that I always liked to ride. I eased into the saddle and after pissin' and moanin' a bit with little hip hop jumps, the roan, Sundance, took off for the eastern horizon.

It felt good to breathe the crisp morning air. Later it would be hot, but in the pre-dawn hour at the 6,500-foot elevation of the ranch, it was crisp! The sun slowly edged over the mesa in front of us. Just by its promise it warmed me up. The roan settled down into a steady pace and I finally felt I was back in a place I belonged.

I started thinking about Jesse's ranch. After hearing Jan's description I was very curious: how was she doing with the horses. More important, how was she dealing with being alone all the time! I knew she would be here for the Fourth celebration in a few hours, and suddenly pulling Sundance up, I reined around and together we raced for home. The way his mane lay back in his race for home I wondered if he too was looking forward to seeing her!

I got back just in time for breakfast. I'd been used to the puny food I prepared at home or worse, the pathetic food at the hospital, and was awed at the array of hearty breakfast foods waiting for me along with the "bottomless" cups of coffee that were a tradition of the ranch. The give and take at the table was fun... I had missed this more than I knew. For a minute I dreamed that all I wanted out of life was to have a table of my own like this someday; wife, kids, grandkids all sitting around in a large loving family.

Some of the hands were going to do the grilling and the womenfolk seemed to have every thing else under control so when Jan suggested I call Jessica and offer to pick her up I jumped at the chance. I grabbed the phone and dialed the number Jan had given me.

"Hello?"

"Jesse, this is Cal. Jan asked me to see if you wanted me to pick you up for the big barbeque?"

"Cal? Cal... is that really you? How are you?"

"I'm sorry, Jesse. How are you getting along? Is it okay if I pick you up?

"Sure, Cal... that would be... great."

"Hey! Can I come early and take a look at your horse ranch?"

"Cal! It's no such thing! It's just a little place compared to yours. I... I really like it though. I've been happy!" she said a little wistfully.

I picked up on that and remembered what Jan had said.

"Okay, I'm leaving now but I want the grand tour before we come back here, okay?"

"Okay, Cal. I'll be ready."

I jumped in the truck and hurried along the Colorado River, turning off to Jesse's small ranch. I was surprised at how neatly organized everything was. As I stopped, the horses ran to the edge of the corral, looking at me with such longing I wished I had brought some apples or carrots.

Jesse came running out with a small bag, smiling and trying to explain: "Jan said to plan on staying overnight, that there might be dancing later! I got one of my 4-H kids coming in tonight and in the morning to take care of everything. Do you like my place? Do we have to leave now? Do you have time to look around? How are you, Cal?"

Laughing, I responded, "Whoa! We don't have to hurry and I'd like you to show me around. I'm fine. I like your place. Yes, there is dancing later! We have a great band coming up from Delta! It's great you can stay over. Now, did I miss anything?"

Jesse blushed and didn't say anything; she just took my arm and started showing me around.

I really liked the place. I didn't say anything to Jessica but I could see in my mind a wing coming off each side of the house. The master bedroom on the left of course, to take advantage of the view. On the right I could see a children's wing... my God, what am I thinking of?

The rest of the property was also better than I expected. The barn was fairly new and seemed sturdy. The corrals were stoutly made. There was plenty of grazing along the creek and room for expansion further up along the creek. Jesse was clearly proud of the place and what she had done with it so far.

Finally, we jumped in the truck and headed for the family ranch. It seemed a disorganized madhouse but as we looked around we could see that it was just organized chaos. Jan came running up and gave both of us a big hug and an even bigger smile.

"So, big brother, how did you like her ranch?"

I smiled at both of them, and honestly said, "It's great. It looks like a wonderful place to live." Nodding to Jesse, I continued, "Jesse has done a great job with it."

A little wistfully, I added, "It only needs a family to make it perfect!"

Jesse turned red at this.

The day was perfect. The steaks and ribs were just right along with all the accouterments the womenfolk had been working on for a couple of days. Sometimes Jesse was with me; sometimes she wandered off with Jan or one of the kids. She seemed like a girl at her first circus: running around constantly to make sure she didn't miss anything.

After dinner we all moved to the biggest of the barns. It was always fixed up on the Fourth for the big dance, and neighbors from all over the valley showed up. The dance was always the highlight of this holiday weekend – everyone had great fun.

Jesse came in dressed in tight jeans, a flashy cowgirl shirt with a leather vest and new cowboy boots. She looked lovely. When the band started playing, I walked over to her, bowed, and asked, "Milady, may I have the pleasure of this first dance?"

Jesse seemed embarrassed and asked," Cal, could I wait a little? No one is on the floor now. Ask me the first slow dance? Okay?"

I smiled at her and answered, "Sure, Milady!"

After four or five songs, the band started playing, "Tennessee Waltz." I looked around for Jesse but I didn't see her. Suddenly, a heavy weight almost knocked me over. It turned out to be Barbara, my steady girl from high school. A lot of people thought we would wind up getting married but she went to school in Colorado Springs and I went to medical school in Denver and we lost touch with each other. I'd actually almost forgotten about her.

She threw her arms around my neck and gave me a passionate kiss. I guess she hadn't forgotten about me! Before I could say anything she started dancing the slow song with me, molding her body to mine much more than I was comfortable with. Looking around the only one I saw was Jacob. I gave him a sharp nod and he picked up on it right away. He walked over and tapped on my shoulder and cut in.

I gave Barbara a helpless shrug and mouthed, "We'll dance later."

I hurried off looking for Jesse but I couldn't find her anywhere. Finally I asked Tom, one of our long time hands and he nodded.

"Yeah, I think she left with Jeff. He's one of the new hands – I don't think you know him. He thinks he's somewhat of a ladies man! Say, isn't that the girl Jan said you were sweet on?"

I grunted some reply and walked back by the stables. As I thought about it I got kinda pissed! She was so shy with me but with this flash cowboy she just takes off. The more I thought about it the unhappier I became. I stalked back to the tub of long-necks in front of the barn and grabbed a couple of bottles and went to the front of the house and sat down. As I was nursing the second bottle, Jan walked up looking worried.

"Where's Jesse? Have you seen her? She wanted to help put the little ones to bed."

"No, I haven't seen her and I don't care if I ever do!"

Jan looked at him with a horrified look, "What are you saying Cal? That's doesn't sound like you at all!"

"Well, she said she wanted to dance with me but when I went looking for her I couldn't find her. Finally Tom said she left with that damn cowboy, Jeff. If she wants to be with him instead of me, that's her damn choice!"

"Cal, Jeff is a great worker but when he has been drinking he has a bad reputation with the girls!"

"Well, that's her choice. I'm not going to beg anyone to be with me. I'll just go back and dance with Barbara some more."

"What do you mean some more? What happened, Cal?"

"Well, I was going to dance the first dance with Jesse but Barbara showed up and threw her arms around me. She pulled me on the dance floor and stopped and gave me this god-awful kiss and started dancing again. I finally got Jacob to cut in on me so I could find Jesse. But she had already left with that damn Jeff. She made her bed and she can lie on it!"

"Cal, you idiot! Don't you know anything about women? Jesse must have seen you kissing Barbara and fled in a panic, humiliated. She must have asked around and Jeff offered to take her home. We have to go right now. Do you have the keys to the truck?"

Damn! I hadn't thought of that. We ran to the truck and took off for Jesse's place. When we turned off we could see the lights on and Jeff's truck in front of the house. I parked the truck and as we got out we heard a scream from the house. Leaving Jan to catch up, I sprinted to the house. The door was locked so I kicked it in with a big crash.

Jeff was on top of Jesse on the sofa. He looked up, saw me coming and jumped upright... just in time for my boot to catch him in the stomach. I looked down at Jesse and her shirt was torn off and a flimsy, lacy bra was half-torn. She was having trouble breathing, but Jan came in and took over. She got Jesse up and walked her back to the bathroom; she was crying hysterically all the way.

I stood there feeling helpless, feeling sad. I looked at it the way Jesse must have seen it; being honest with myself I guess I would have had a strong reaction too. I kept my eye on Jeff, getting more pissed off as I looked at him. From the look on his face, I must have broken something when I kicked him but I didn't give a shit.

About twenty minutes later Jan came in.

"I'm going to have to stay with Jesse tonight; she is really upset. She was doing so well; really gaining some self-confidence, but now she is a mess. I explained to her what had happened with Barbara and now she is more upset with that than she is with what happened with Jeff. She is horrified at what you must think of her. We must move slowly so she gets past this.

"I need to nurse the baby in about an hour. Go pick up mom and the baby and bring them back here. I'll call mom and tell what's going on and what to bring. She can stay here tonight. Take that piece of trash back to Jake and have him pay him off... and run his sorry ass out of the country. It would totally humiliate Jessica to have this come out."

I nodded and grabbed Jeff's arm and yanked him roughly up, ignoring the flash of pain he felt. I threw him in the back of the truck not even wanting to be in the cab with him. When we got to the ranch I asked one of the hands to fetch Jacob. I walked around to the back of the truck and drug Jeff out and let him bounce on the ground. I knelt down and looked him in the eye, grabbing his ears to make sure he made eye contact.

"Okay, you damn Lothario! This is the way it is. Jake is going to pay you off and if you ever show up in these parts again I'm going to cut your balls off!"

With that I pulled out the skinning knife I kept in a scabbard on my belt and held it up in front of his eyes. He looked away and started shaking... I think he got the message.

Mom came out with the baby and a small bag. I took Jan's car so I wouldn't have to change the baby seat. I left Jeff to Jake's able hands and drove mom to Jesse's small ranch.

When we got there Jan came out and took the baby and immediately unbuttoned her blouse and started nursing the baby in the warm night air. Seeing me look away with a red face, she laughed.

"You have no idea how much it hurts when you don't nurse on time, do you? Well, one of these days you are going to find out just how much fun it is to be a wife and mother! Men never get it until they have to live with the consequences of what they do. Well, one of these days, buster, you are going to find out and I am going to laugh like hell at you."

I was studiously staring at Orion glowing in the inky black sky; wondering if there was a planet circling around the brilliant Betelgeuse that I could move to. As a doctor, of course I understood what Jan was saying. As a man though, damn, I would have to think about that!

"Jan, how is Jesse doing?"

Her voice softened as she said, "Oh, Cal. She is sorta messed up right now. She just can't see you now. Give it a couple of weeks until you move out and start your practice, okay? I'll stay in touch with her."

"Cal, she really is a great girl that's led a tough life. She is incredibly smart, but her social awareness and understanding of men is almost like a thirteen-year-old girl trying to understand puberty. Please be gentle with her! She just needs time. Try to understand what it was like for her to see you kissing and dancing with Barbara. She understands now that it wasn't your fault but, Cal, that girl loves you. I mean really loves you! Okay?"

I nodded, gave mom a hug and drove back to the ranch. The rest of the happy holiday weekend dragged past and finally I drove back to Denver to wrap up my affairs there so I could move back to Grand Junction to start my new life.

JESSICA

I knew Jan was exhausted, so when I heard the baby crying I went to her room and took the baby for changing.

She smiled at me thankfully, and said, "Jesse, I just fed him, but he needs to be changed."

She pointed to the bag on the floor by the other bed where her mom was sleeping. I felt guilty about the problems I had caused for these two fine women and I was determined to take care of the baby until it needed nursing again.

After changing the diaper I went out on the front porch and sat in the old rocking chair I had inherited as part of the ranch. Sitting down, gently rocking, I looked at Jan's baby. He was looking at me very seriously, seeming to study me. I put my finger on his nose and was rewarded with the biggest smile. My heart broke looking at him. The only thing I wanted in life was a baby like this; a family that was full of love that I could be a part of.