Trish's Wedding DaybyMTL17©
BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!
I look over to my right and see the numbers on the alarm clock on the bedside table flashing to signal that it is 7:30am time for me to get up when the in point of fact I have been up for hours..........Ok that's a lie the fact of the matter is I have been awake all night.
I haven't managed to get one wink of sleep. All I have been doing since I first got into this bed is thinking about..........well basically everything.
Everything that has happened ever since me and her first met..........everything that has happened ever since we first "got together"..........or as she calls it started having "fun" together. An everything that has happened ever since she left the company.
I slowly reach over and turn the alarm clock off due to the bleeping having started to get on my nerves after flicking the switch on the top part of the alarm clock from on to off the bleeping stops and the numbers stop flashing.
Once the alarm clock has been shut off I return to staring up at the ceiling.
You know I can still remember the first day I met her like it was yesterday instead of it being almost a year ago.
October 10th 2005..........the day I debuted on RAW and begun what would become my first rivalry. I can remember the whole day I was..........well basically I was like my character I was full of excitement and adrenaline I couldn't wait to debut..........I mean can you blame me?
How many people get to not only debut on the longest running wrestling television show but also start their career working with and eventually against the No.1 diva in the No.1 wrestling company in America?
It's kinda funny actually because all day I was like my character and then when it was time to go on I became very serious and "acted" the way I had been all day.
Me and her hit it off right away though.
I can remember she sat down with me at lunch and we talked she asked me about my life before I joined the company and she seemed really interested. I can remember telling her how happy I was that I was getting the gimmick that I was getting because I was a huge fan of her's and that I didn't idolize her but she certainly did inspire me and that I did hope that I could be just as successful as she had been.
An then she said something which I will never forget.
She told me that I would.
Part of me still thinks she was just saying that to be nice and yet I can remember looking into her eyes and seeing no sign of a lie even if she was just saying that I was sure that if she was lying even if it was just to be nice I would have been able to tell due to me having always been able to tell when somebody is lying to me by looking them in the eye and yet there was no lie in her eye.
An so our storyline got underway and me and her spent a lot of time together not just at house shows or RAW but we spent all of our time together and it wasn't like my character I didn't hassle her to spend time together in point of fact it was very much the other way around she..........I don't want to say hassled me but she would call me or text me and ask me what I was doing and when I told her nothing she would ask me if I wanted to spend the day with her.
Of course I jumped at the chance.
Not because I thought if I spent time with her it would help me further my career I mean come on I was working for the No.1 company in America with/against the No.1 female wrestler in the company how on earth could I improve on that?
I simply spent time with her because I enjoyed spending time with her.
Sometimes we'd go window shopping or actual shopping.
Sometimes we'd go out to eat.
Sometimes we'd go out to the cinema together.
Sometimes we'd go out drinking together.
Hell sometimes we'd just stay in either my hotel room or her's order room service and watch TV and chat.
No matter what we did we had fun.
That was until the onscreen kiss under the mistletoe..........after that everything changed.
The weird thing is it wasn't a drastic change..........like after that night that we kissed onscreen we stopped spending time together. We still spent time together and done everything we did before it's just ..........the mood was different neither of us talked about it at first we both tried to ignore it and act "normal" I guess you could say act the way we did before the onscreen kiss.
Eventually though the change and the not talking about it became too much for her and so the night after she defeated me to retain her title we met up on neutral territory for the first time but not the last. An both said how we felt and her being the type of woman that she was and is she allowed me to go first and so I did.
I told her that I really valued her friendship and that until we kissed I never saw her as anything other than my friend which..........if I am honest was a lie I mean I never told her I was a lesbian not because I was ashamed of my sexuality the subject never came up however leaving aside the fact that I was and am a lesbian even if I wasn't a lesbian I don't think any woman gay straight or bi could deny how beautiful she is.
I went on to tell her that after the kiss I started to see her in a new light..........which was kinda the truth I had from day one saw Trish as a sexually attractive women I just never thought or imagined or even dreamed about us being together sexually until after the kiss..........after the kiss I did start thinking imagining and dreaming about us sexually and I told her all of this.
I also pointed out that I would never ever make a move on her due to the fact that despite how much I may have wanted to and I did. I didn't want to loose her and I didn't.
Much to my surprise and delight she told me the same thing and once she had finished talking there was an uncomfortable silence between us which I broke by asking her where we went from there and she nervously told me or rather asked me if I wanted to kiss her and I told her that I did which again was the truth and so she told me to which I did and..........well let's just say one thing led to another and leave it there.
Things pretty much went back to the way they where before the onscreen kiss except now me and her where as she put it having "fun" together however I personally considered what we where doing to be "making love" or "having sex"
I think to begin with I considered what we did to be us "having sex" however it eventually changed from us "having sex" to us "making love"
I can remember just before we did it the first time she said how she didn't want this to change things between us..........I realise now how stupid that line is because whenever you go past being a friend and become intimate things between you immediately change weather you realise it or not.
I don't think either of us realised that things had changed between us then again maybe we did and we just did our best to ignore the fact that things had changed like we tried to ignore the fact that things had changed after the onscreen kiss.
By the time Wrestlemania arrived..........I knew I couldn't ignore how I felt anymore and so after our match she came to my locker room to congratulate me and I told her we needed to talk and so we once again met on neutral ground and I told her that I knew or rather I remembered what she said about how she didn't want what we where doing..........us having "fun" to change our friendship however I told her that us having "fun" had changed our friendship because I no longer had the type of feelings that one friend has for another..........I told her that my feelings where now the type of feelings that a man has for woman or a gay man has for another gay man or a gay woman has for another gay woman.
I can remember saying that the whole "that a man has for woman or a gay man has for another gay man or a gay woman has for another gay woman." Line.
I can also remember her laughing in my face and saying or rather telling me not to be stupid or as she put it silly. She then told me I couldn't have the type of feelings for her that a gay woman has for another gay woman because I wasn't gay.
That is when I came out to her that I was gay and that I have those types of feelings for her..........She immediately interrupted me by telling me that I may have wanted her but she didn't want me and that she wasn't gay and with that she got up and left and from Wrestlemania to Backlash she didn't talk to me wouldn't respond to my texts wouldn't pick up the phone when I called her and couldn't stand to be around me when we where at work.
Whenever I tried to approach her to try and talk to her she would always put an obstacle in my way weather that is her going up to somebody be it a backstage worker or another female or even a male wrestler sometimes if I entered a room she would leave it.
The day before Backlash she finally answered one of my phone calls and invited me to meet her on "neutral" ground because she had something she wanted to say to me.
An so I met her on "neutral" ground and she told me that she was sorry about how she reacted to what I had to say and that it took her by surprise me coming out to her and everything and that part of the reason why she had been avoiding me and not answering my texts and calls etc was because she needed time to get her head straight and now she had.
She then told me that she appreciated how I felt however she made it quite clear that she didn't feel the same way back she told me that she did care about me but she didn't care for me in that way.
She then went on to say that she enjoyed us doing what we had been doing and that she was willing for us to continue having "fun" however that was all it was to her and all it would ever be.
I don't know why..........to this day I don't know why I agreed to her terms but I did and somehow I managed to go on having "fun" with her although I never considered what we did together as us having "fun"
I always considered it making love maybe not her making love to me but defiantly me making love to her.
An so from Backlash until September 11th 2006 life returned..........I guess you could say it returned to normal except for the fact that I hated when me and her had "fun" together and yet at the same time I loved it when me and her had "fun" together or when she had "fun" with me and I made love to her.
Somewhere in between Backlash and September 11th 2006 she told me that she was both retiring from wrestling and that she was going to marry her boyfriend and high school sweetheart of fourteen years.
On 11th September she had her final match on RAW against me and that night me and her where together for the last time it was also the night that I asked her..........and I don't know why I did this but.......... I asked her if that night was the end of me and her having "fun" and she told me that it wasn't.
She said that we could still have "fun" but that we would only be able to have "fun" when the WWE was in her hometown of Toronto.
That was also the night that she asked me if I would be one of her bridesmaids..........again I don't know why but I actually said yes.
An so here I am.
In Toronto Ontario Canada in this lovely five star hotel room hours away from seeing the woman that I love walk down the isle to marry her boyfriend and high school sweetheart.
Speaking of hours away I had better get up washed and dressed.
An so I slowly drag myself out of the bed and go into the bathroom turn on the shower get undressed and once the shower is at the right temperature I get in and begin to slowly wash myself all the while thinking about what I plan on doing or rather what I am and have been thinking about doing ever since the rehearsal.
It is so weird how one event can change everything..........I mean before the onscreen kiss me and her where fine..........after that onscreen kiss everything changed..........after New Years Revolution which was the night she defeated me to retain her title everything changed again..........after Wrestlemania 22 everything changed again and after Backlash everything changed again.
An after the wedding rehearsal my intentions for being here went from being here to support the woman that I love to trying to stop the woman that I love from marrying her high school sweetheart and boyfriend.
An the reason why I am going to try and stop the woman that I love from marrying her high school sweetheart and boyfriend..........quite simply really.
It's because I love her.
I told her that I loved her the night of Wrestlemania 22 however I don't think I ever really knew it or felt it until the wedding rehearsal when I was standing or rather sitting in the front row watching her stand opposite the man she plans on marrying and listening to the priest go through how the service will go.
I can remember thinking to myself.
"I can't do this.......... I can't let her do this.......... this isn't right."
As well as loads of other things.
An that was when I decided that I was going to stop.......... that I had to stop this wedding from happening at least that is what I am thinking about doing.......... I haven't decided weather I am going to do it yet.
I mean let's say I did try and stop her from marrying this guy who she has known since she was in high school and been with since she was in high school.
What exacterly is it going to change?
She's told me that she doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about her.
She's told me that she doesn't consider what we have been doing to be anything more than us having "fun"
An yet on the other hand what if I simply stand by and do nothing?
Am I going to regret it for the rest of my life?
Am I going to spend the rest of my life wondering what if?
I don't like living with regret..........I know nobody does but I really don't like living with regret which is one of the reasons why I was so honest with her the night after New Year's Revolution and Wrestlemania 22.
It was because I didn't want to regret not telling her and it was also because and this may sound weird but we started out a friends me and her and throughout all of this on some level I feel we have always been or rather remained friends and so as a friend I couldn't lie to her.
Which brings up another point.
As her friend can I really stand by and let her do this?
I mean what if she is making a mistake?
Ok that is a bit of a weird thing to say considering she and her soon to be potential husband have known each other since they where in high school..........but marriage is a huge step even for people who have been together as long as she and her boyfriend (for the next couple of hours at least) have been together.
An it may seem like the next logical step but even if it is logical it isn't always the right one.
A lot of things change.
What if she is doing this for the wrong reasons?
I mean I'm not saying she's doing this to try and prove anything to me but..........what if she is doing this for some other reason other than the reason why two people normally get married.
I mean she mentioned the fact that she had a boyfriend when we first met and that they had been high school sweethearts and everything and that she loved him but that was it.
She didn't really talk about him much after that..........if at all.
An she certainly never gave any hint that she was thinking about marrying the guy.
Then all of a sudden she tells me she's getting married AND that she is retiring from wrestling.
Maybe it's just me but..........that does sound a bit weird doesn't it?
I have to do it!
I don't know weather it is right or weather it is wrong..........I don't know what is going to happen after I have done it..........I don't know weather she will hate me for doing it..........she probably will but..........I just can't live with the thought that I will spend every day after this one wondering what if and thinking about what could have been or wishing that I had said something when I didn't.
I have to do this!
For my sake if not for her's.
An so with my mind made up and my body washed I turn off the shower climb out get dry and go back into the bedroom and go over to a draw open it and take out a bra and pair of panties and put them on.
While I am doing this I am wondering weather I should wait until the service or weather I should go and see her now before the service.
Part of me feels I should wait until the service..........it will be more public and dramatic but at least if I do it then she won't have the chance to deny me.
Where as if I was to go to her room she could simply shut the door in my face.
All of a sudden my thoughts are disturbed by the sound of somebody knocking on my hotel room door.
I quickly put on my white bathrobe and walk over to the door and open it to find the very woman that I am thinking about standing the other side of the door looking very..........well I don't know how to describe the way she looks as far as her facial expression is concerned however whatever the word is she is looking very it.
I say not sure what else to say as I stand there looking at her and she stands the other side of the threshold looking back at me.
I honest have no idea how long I have been standing here all I know is that I really don't want to be here.
I mean this is supposed to be MY big day the day every little girl dreams about I shouldn't be standing here outside of one of my bridesmaid's hotel rooms I should be in my hotel room getting ready to walk down the isle. I should be feeling so excited and nervous I want to either throw up or cry or both.
But instead of doing that I'm here standing outside of my bridesmaids hotel room feeling nervous for the wrong reasons I'm not nervous because I am excited I'm nervous because I'm worried that this particular bridesmaid is going to fuck everything up and totally ruin my big day.
An the reason why I am here right now is to try and stop her from doing that.
I honestly can't believe this is happening I honestly can't believe I am actually here right now if you had told me a few days ago that I would be standing outside of this hotel room with the intention of trying to save my wedding day from being ruined I would have told you you where crazy.
But then again if you had told me a year or so ago that what has happened to me would happen I would have told you you where crazy then too.
You know part of me wants to blame her for all of this and in a way I would be perfectly justified to do it I mean she's the one that told me how she really felt about me. Then again on the other hand part of me wants to blame Vince for this and again I would be perfectly justified to do It after all he's the one who brought her up from OVW to RAW roughly a year ago and put me in a storyline/feud with her.
However deep down I know I only have one person to blame for all of this and that is me. After all it was me that suggested that me and her have fun together and it was me that begged and pleaded with Vince to bring somebody up from OVW for me to wrestle with because I was sick and tried of the whole "Diva Search" nonsense that he wasn't just ramming down the fans throats but he was forcing talented women like me and Victoria to face and if we weren't facing them we where facing each other.
Now don't get me wrong me and Victoria are good friends and we love working together but there's only so many times you can wrestle one and other and do something or have something happen that the fans aren't expecting before you run out of things to do or have happen which the fans aren't expecting and we where pretty much scraping the bottom of the barrel when it came to shocks and surprises for our matches.