True Love Lost

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When you admit to love.
3k words
4.36
23.9k
9

Part 4 of the 4 part series

Updated 10/06/2022
Created 07/07/2008
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I woke up and turned over. Francis was already awake. He was watching me. I sat up and moved the blanket away from him, I straddled his legs though I was careful not to put my weight onto him. I reached to the side table and picked up the bottle of massage oil the doctor had given us. It smelled vile, Francis said he couldn't smell it, he couldn't smell anything. I began rubbing it into his skin, keeping my touch gentle enough not to hurt him but firm enough to make a difference to his pain. He turned over when I had finished his stomach so that I could work on his back.

"Do you want breakfast or do you want a bath first, to wash this stuff off?" I asked quietly.

"I'm not hungry."

"You never are. You need to eat though." I left him in bed as I went to run the bath water and then returned to help him up. He steadied himself on my shoulders as I led him into the bathroom.

"Do you remember when that massage would make me hard?" He whispered as I helped him out of his shorts and into the bath tub.

I nodded then picked up a cloth and began cleaning him. The drugs had stopped working, the doctors had told him he had to give up the recreational drugs in order for the medicinal drugs to work. He'd given up the medicinal drugs on the basis that the recreational drugs at least made he feel better. He'd given up on life.

When he was dressed, I helped him into the living room. Josh, his home help support worker, was already making breakfast. Christina had moved out when Francis stopped taking the drugs. Josh was here to help him prepare for death. I left to get ready for work while Josh encouraged Francis to eat before he took anything illegal. Francis was just moving the food around his plate when I got out. I ate my food listening to Josh talk to Francis. I kissed Francis' cheek before I left. He smiled.

****

"Undress, come out here and kneel down. Wear your collar." Francis said when as soon as I got through the door.

I glanced into the kitchen.

"Josh is here."

"I know."

"I don't want to do this. Are you sure you're asking me to do this?"

"Yes."

I nodded and went to do as he had asked. When I went back out, Josh was sitting opposite Francis, both of them were watching me. I bit my lip and then walked over and knelt in front of Francis. He patted me on the head.

"I'm going to die soon." Francis said, his voice was low. His hand still in my hair. "Even if you would let me, I can't fuck you but I don't want to die knowing that I've prevented you from having sex. You're still a virgin right?"

I nodded. He didn't have to ask.

"I'm going to give you to Josh. I'm going to watch him fuck you tonight, I'll show him how to please you and then he'll look after you when I'm not able."

"I can look after myself."

"I know, eventually, you'll be able to look after yourself but in the days, weeks, months after my death, you'll be lost. You'll need someone to treat you like I do but you won't find anyone until you meet a guy who hurts you. Instead, I give you to Josh and he'll treat you right because I will train him. You won't have to explain what you like because I will tell him and then, when you are ready, you'll find someone else."

"I don't need anyone to look after me and I don't need you to choose my lovers for me."

Francis smiled, then he began to whisper.

"You will go into the bedroom, you will get our toys and you will bring them out here."

He watched me as my breathe quicken, he'd be smirking. I could sense him smirking at me, even as I walked away from him. I went to the bedroom and got the toys he'd brought for us after I'd left him and returned. I put them down in front of him and then knelt down again.

"Kneel in front of Josh."

I moved round so that I was facing towards Josh, I kept my eyes down so that I could only see his feet. Josh reached out and stroked my hair as Francis began to instruct him in how to please me. Josh pulled me to stand up by my hair then he took the two nipple clips that Francis had held out to him. Josh rubbed a finger over each of my nipples and then attached the nipple clips. I gasped then squeezed my eyes closed as Francis told me that he'd brought new toys especially for this event. Josh grabbed my cock, I looked down to see him holding two more clips. These ones were longer and didn't have teeth in them, like the nipple clips did. Josh clipped them onto my balls.

"Why don't you scream for me? You know thats what I want to hear." Francis said. I looked over at him, frowning. He grinned at me. "Bend over the arm of that chair so that Josh can beat you."

I moved round to the chair and then bent over, attempting to keep my cock and nipples from touching the chair in anyway. Josh moved behind me and began rubbing his hand and the paddle across my ass before landing three blows on my right cheek. I jumped, causing my cock to hit the chair arm in front of me. I gasped, Francis had been getting weaker for a long time. His beatings were never this painful anymore; I wasn't use to it. Josh continued beating me until Francis decided that I'd had enough. Josh pushed a single finger into my ass, it was slightly cold and slick.

"He's loose for a virgin." Josh commented to Francis, while adding another finger into my ass.

Francis explained to him about the anal plug and his games with my ass. Josh began spanking me again, only stopping because Francis told him to. I sighed, thankful that Francis knew my limits.

"Kneel."

I turned and knelt in front of Francis, close enough that he could touch me. He was smiling at me, he ran his hand across my cheek.

"I want to see you fucked. I want to know that you've experienced it in my lifetime. I want to know you'll have someone to look after you even if you don't need anyone. Will you allow me this? Will you let Josh fuck you?"

I could say no, he was allowing me a way out. He'd be disappointed but he wouldn't make me do this. It was as if this was his dying request. It didn't mean I loved him if I granted his dying request. I nodded at him.

"Just one time, Francis. Just tonight. You want me to do this, I'll do it tonight. Please, don't ask me to do this again."

"I won't ask you again but I won't mind if you do it again, if you choose to do it. Go get on your hands and knees, face me. I want to see your face."

I moved into the position he'd asked me to and closed my eyes waiting for Josh's touch. Francis insisted that Josh wore a condom even though Josh claimed he was clean. Josh's fingers were cold again when they entered me, stretching me and preparing me for his cock. He ran his hand down my back as he positioned his cock against my entrance, he began tugging on one of my nipple clips and he entered me. I finally screamed for Francis when Josh was fully buried in me and he pulled the nipple clip from my nipple. I looked up at Francis, he was grinning, he was always grinning and he was smoking, nothing legal. Josh gripped my hair, forcing me to keep looking up at Francis. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the feeling of Josh fucking me. He was moving slowly, pushing all the way in before slowing pulling himself all the way out again. He was dragging it out, maybe Francis had told him I liked things slow, maybe he was waiting for a reaction from me. I pushed my hips back to meet his strokes. That must have been what he was waiting for, he moved his hand from my hair and gripped my hips with both hands, holding me still as he began to thrust into me. I dropped my head and gasped as Josh's hand wrapped around my cock, pulling it roughly and occasionally knocking the clips on my balls.

"Come for me, sexy Silas." Josh said, spanking my ass quickly before returning his hand to my cock.

His teeth locked onto my shoulder smothering his scream as he came. The feeling of his cock pulsating into my ass and his hand on cock finally sent me over the edge. Josh pulled out of me and gently unclipped the ball clips, I inhaled sharply at the pain.

"Clean that." Francis said, reminding us that he was there.

I frowned at him then bent down to clean my come off the floor as he enjoyed watching me do. He stood up, patted me on the head and went to his room as Josh picked me up and took me to his room. There seemed to be a pre-arranged agreement that I sleep with Josh. He took me into the shower and began washing both of us. He kissed my shoulders, my neck and my back as he washed me. I didn't resist him when he dried me and then took me to his bed.

****

I woke up the next morning with his weight on my back, he was gently stoking my ass. I moved and turned over so that I could face him. He kissed me.

"Thank you for last night. I know it was for Francis and we won't do it again but thank you. It was amazing." He said.

I felt the blush rising in my cheeks and turned away from him. He kissed me again.

"Do you enjoy this lifestyle you have with Francis? He told me you were submissive when he hired me but I didn't think it was like that. Last night was intense. I didn't think he'd just tell you to do it like that. This is your virginity and you just allowed him to give it away for you. If you like this then it will be hard for you to find someone who cares for you so much as to only hurt you as much as you can stand."

"I won't look for anyone else. I only do this because Francis tells me too. I don't like it."

"You don't like it at all? Why do you do it then? It seems to turn you on."

"Francis turns me on. Francis likes this. Without Francis, I won't do it. I hate feeling out of control."

"Was last night ok for you, then? With me?"

"That was for Francis, you know that. I've only said no to him once, and that was about him fucking me. I left him over it. He promised never to ask me about it again. I could have said no to last night, he wouldn't have made me do it."

"But he knew you wouldn't say no. He'd already pushed you so far into it, it would have been harder to stop at the point when he asked you than it would have been to continue."

I looked at the clock, realising I had to go to work this morning. Josh didn't understand the relationship I had with Francis and I couldn't blame him; no matter how I tried to explain it, in my head, I didn't fully understand it. I didn't like Francis controlling my life, I didn't like feeling out of control but it did turn me on. The feel of the collar around my neck, the way he spanked me, the way he made me come, the way he made me lick it up; it embarrassed me but I couldn't deny that some part of me enjoyed it.

"I have to get ready for work."

I got out of the bed and left to go to my room. Francis was laying on the bed, awake. I pulled the blanket down and straddled his hip, grabbing the massage oil. He smiled at me as I began my massage.

"I didn't think you'd do this today." He said quietly. "Did you play around some more after he took you to bed?"

I shook my head, asking him to turn over.

"You did enjoy it didn't you?"

"Yes."

He sighed, as if relieved that I'd enjoyed it. I went to run his bath and then helped him into the bath and washed him. He took hold of my chin after I'd dried him.

"I love you, Silas, you know that don't you?"

"I know that, Francis."

"And I know that you love me, even if you never tell me."

"I'm still here with you. Love is giving your life to someone else. You have everything I am."

"And thats how I know you love me." He kissed me. "I would like to hear you say it though."

I got him dressed and took him into the living room, Josh was preparing breakfast. The routine was back in play after last night's break of tradition. I went to get myself ready and then ate the food Josh had left for me. Francis watched me eat as he pushed his food around his plate. I kissed him before I left, whispered that I loved him and left.

****

"What's going on? Who are these people?" I asked going into the house, Josh's hands were on my shoulders, not allowing me to move away from the door. There were people going in and out of Francis' room, of my room. Francis' doctor was just leaving the room. "Is Francis ill?"

"Silas." Josh gripped my chin and pulled me to look at him. "Francis died this morning, while I was out shopping. I came back and found him."

"Francis. He was ok this morning."

"I know."

"I want to see him."

"Ok."

The people left the room as we went in, Josh's hands still resting on my shoulders. I looked over Francis' body, he was wearing a different top to the one I had chosen for him this morning. I pulled up his sleeve, there were fresh track marks on his arm. I looked up at Josh.

"When I came in, I found the drugs around his bed. He was probably in pain, just took too much. He wouldn't have done this on purpose. I clean up and changed his top. There won't have to be an autospy, the doctor had predicted a death in this time frame if he came off the medication and so wasn't surprised by it."

I nodded.

"He wanted to be cremated. Have you phoned his parents? They'll want to see him before anyone takes him away."

"They're on their way. He went through everything with me, he didn't want you to worry, you know he didn't want you to have to do all this."

I nodded.

"He hands over responsibility of me to you last night and then dies today."

"It was accidental." Josh took my arm and led me to his room. "I'll get you some fresh clothes, take a shower."

As I sat on the bed, Francis' doctor came in and sat next to me.

"If you need to talk to someone, just call me."

I nodded. I didn't need to talk, I just felt numb, it didn't even seem real. He'd be in the living room, later, telling me to kneel down. This was just an interlude. Real life would continue soon and real life had Francis in it.

"I'd feel better if you had a HIV test. Francis talked about you since the time he met you at school, almost ten years ago now. I kept asking him to bring you to have a test. Maybe you've had one with your own doctor?"

I shook my head.

"Ok, so come and see me. Anytime, after hours if you want. Come and I'll sort it all out." He patted my knee and then left the room.

Josh came back into the room and handed me some clothes and a towel. I stood up to go into the bathroom, Josh put his hand on my shoulder and handed me my collar then he left.

****

The room was empty when I got out of the shower. Francis' room was empty as well. Empty of people anyway. Josh was cooking in the kitchen, he smiled at me as he watched me walking from the living room to the bedroom and back again. I couldn't settle, I couldn't sit down, it felt wrong. There was no routine, no orders. I had nothing I had to do.

"Silas."

I turned to him.

"Kneel down and stay down."

I stared at him.

"Kneel down." He repeated firmly.

"I need to be naked first and you shouldn't repeat yourself."

"I'm not going to become Francis for you. Just kneel down."

I knelt down then dropped my head down and started crying. Josh came over to me and hugged me, holding me until I stopped shaking.

"I need Francis."

"You'll be ok, Silas. You're a strong guy, you're just used to having Francis around. You'll be ok, with time. I'm here for you. I'm going to take care of you." He stood up and led me to his bedroom, where he picked up the collar and attached it around my neck.

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AnonymousAnonymousalmost 7 years ago
Francis gave Salas HIV?

I'd say he didn't love him too much if he did.

AnonymousAnonymousover 7 years ago
a hard one to take

admittedly dom/sub is not my thing so really don't get the need each need for sexual satisfaction. there's love here, its complicated, not always fulfilling or demonstrative. while there's sexual satisfaction, im not sure about the love being equal with these two.

canndcanndabout 10 years ago

I read this series before but had forgotten it. I know I read it, remembering it only vaguely and saw I'd rated it. I really love this series. It's layered with human emotion and the complexity of this relationship the two boys have. moreso, it makes you pick out the proof of the love they hold for one another. The fact that Silas stays with him and comes back to him and cares for him when he's ill. The fact that Francis claims he wants to hae sex with him despite the HIV, but I still am unsure about that. He even used protection with oral sex. I think he wanted Silas to agree to risk getting sick as the ultimate proof of love for him. But, I think that b/c Silas was strong enough to say that despite his being his submissive and doing everything Francis asked aside from having unprotected sex with him, that he had to find another way to prove to himself that Silas did love him. And in the end getting him to give himself to Josh was a show of that love. The fact that he arranged for Josh to temporarily fulfill Silas' needs as a submissive showed love too.

The ending was really bitter sweet b/c throughout the series, Silas thinks about his reasons for doing things Francis asks of him and what does it mean and how does he feel about Francis. Francis is a character you love and hate. How could he want to 'take a chance' with sex, yet part of me thought he might have been looking for some declaration of love from Silas in the form of doing that. Why else use protection with oral if not? It was sweet gave Francis the gift of admitting to him that he did love him. It was what Francis needed to let go. The story took these characters and made you feel different things for them.

I also saw Silas go from a weak and impressionable shy kid, to a man who understood himself a bit better and who realized that his choices to be with Francis, even when he questioned why he was doing what he was for him, really was a sign of love for him. He also realized that the lifestyle fit him. I really felt Silas' pain and sense of being a boat adrift with no where to dock and yet in death, you saw Francis had anticipated this and asked Josh to help Sillas. I hope that if silas continues in this lifestyle that he chooses a dom who can care for him and love him and know what it means to truly be a dom. There was a depth to this story that I really liked. The whole series was a good read.

AnonymousAnonymousabout 12 years ago

What a beautiful and heartbreaking story. It is told really well. I wish you'd labeled them with numbers b/c I did end up reading them out of order, but I enjoyed it none the less. I wish Silas had not been so selfish as to stop taking the drugs. He loved Silas so much I am surprised he did stop them. i like that you left the question of whether he OD'd on purpose or accidentally up to us. I'm pretty sure he planned it but I can't be 100% sure. Great stuff. Im hoping I'll find you wrote more.

metajinxmetajinxabout 13 years ago

The end made me cry :( So sad!

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