Trust Left Out

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"I'd forgotten about Gerald. Since he transferred to another city, I've had no contact with him." I could almost hear her words before she spoke them. "He's nothing to me. It meant nothing."

Her choice of words found me suddenly shaking with rage as I choked out the words. "Meant nothing? That's funny Doris because I haven't forgotten about Gerald and you - the two of you fucking. You cheating, lying...IT MEANS EVERYTHING TO ME!"

Doris rolled away and looked up at me. Her expression was one of unfathomable fear - and the silence between us seemed to last forever. Then she got up slowly and walked out of the bedroom -- never really turning her back to me. I realized it was time to pack.

*************************************

Doris fought our divorce - unsuccessfully. If you're thinking, "whoa you walk out the door and go straight for a divorce? What's up with that?" Well it didn't happen like that. When I did eventually file, she responded by using every delaying tactic in the book; so I simply stopped the process. While we are not divorced, we no longer live together.

We did try counseling at the behest of our lawyers. That was unsuccessful because when I was asked what were my goals - remaining married wasn't on my list - I simply wanted to be happy. Doris complained about that, she said I needed to take our marriage seriously. I actually laughed when she said that and reminded her that I was not the one who had been repeatedly unfaithful during our marriage.

I suppose we're coexisting in some quasi 'cheaper to keep her' scenario. I continue to pay my share of the mortgage, taxes, etc. - I'm just not there anymore. Doris isn't happy about any of this but there's not a lot she can do. What really ticks her off is that not only have I moved out -- I've moved on.

About three months after I stopped the divorce a colleague of mine found herself in a similar state of marital distress, naturally we commiserated with one another. She's in the middle of a nasty divorce and had been cautioned by her lawyer not to be seen in public with other men; needless to say she is one horny woman. I made a silly joke one day that she took seriously. A couple of days later she summoned me to an unused office down an unfrequented hallway. We've since christened that room: the Office of Collegial Benefits. While I am surprised at my own hypocrisy, I confess that I am only human.

Despite all of this I still love Doris and I know that she loves me. Recently she invited me to dinner during the holidays and I let her seduce me - actually she succeeded repeatedly during the four-day weekend. Lunchtime benefits are all well and fine, but compared to actually making love, there simply is no comparison. Am I a walking, talking catalog of crazy contradictions - my therapist thinks I am.

Last week he asked me if I thought that Doris and I might eventually reconcile; could I see us living as husband and wife again? I'd told him about my recent overnighter and how much I had enjoyed being with Doris so I replied that anything is possible. By now you're probably as confused as I am - so what's the hang up you might ask? Why don't I just move back home, get the two of us involved with some serious counseling and take a run at it?

Well I'll tell you why, I found out that the secrets I'd held in all those years had taken up a lot of emotional space. I was so obsessed with them that I didn't notice all that they pushed aside. When those secrets were freed I was left with a hole that I haven't been able to fill and a space in which Doris no longer fits. While I love my wife, I know now that I don't (and didn't for many years) trust her. And without trust, well...

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122 Comments
AnonymousAnonymous3 months ago

But he really never sat down and had her explain. When she stumbled he left the conversation rather than forcing her to continue.

AnonymousAnonymous3 months ago

Bad!

AnonymousAnonymous8 months ago

Okay listen up. NEITHER OF YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD LOVE MEANS

AnonymousAnonymous9 months ago

I can see why this didn’t score s high as the quality of the writing might have indicated. The plot went sideways. The MC never figured out what he wanted. As a result….he did nothing. Yeah..got divorced…but then is banging the slut afterwards? What a maroon…..

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3 ***

AnonymousAnonymous9 months ago

Anon below telling others to “read between the lines”

Pull that cactus out of your ass, you condescending prick :)

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