TwitterTale:Boys of the Old Brigade

From the Twitter of Security Consultant Sean Aloysius Patricius Ryan.

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Insurance company wants to hire me to prevent double indemnity on an actor. I love Hollywood. All the easy jobs.

Talked to company. Apparently, actor's "mystique" comes from being a former member of an IRA group. This might be slightly more interesting than I thought. I've taken the job.

FAQ: IRA is not Individual Retirement Account. IRA= Irish Republican Army.

Talked to actor. Forget anything interesting. The "IRA group" was three guys, including actor. Now it's two guys and a support network. I'll go back to sleep now.

I'm awake. Apparently, "support network" includes losers from Boston who have AR-15s older than I am. BRB.... I hope.

Back. The ARs weren't well maintained. One jammed, one exploded, and I clubbed the other one with his own gun. I may go back to sleep.

Still awake. IRA idiots tried again. More hitmen from Bah-ston. Must get one to say "park the car in the Harvard Yard."

Got one to say it. Kneecapped him, but he said it. Then he kept talking. Next on my list: get a Russian to say "Moose and squirrel."

Actor wants me to go drinking with him. Apparently, better than a drug habit.

Searched his trailer, his home, his person, his car, and his garage for any stash. Hmmm.... maybe if I suggest a cavity search....

Actor gave me his stash.

Took him drinking. We were attacked by muggers. Introduced them to tactical baton. Muggers paid by IRA idiots to test security. Must introduce IRA idiots one and two to baton.

IRA guys (hereby known as Larry and Moe) are shooting at us again. BRB

Molotov cocktails are, technically, not a concealed weapon if you have a cache at home. I chased Larry and Moe. Got Moe on the ground. Jumped by several San Francisco hippies. Gave hippies a preview course on "101 uses for a tactical baton."

Moe got away. They annoy me now. Time to end the support network.

Found their passport guy. He owns power tools. I wonder if he's ever seen Marathon Man.

Forget Marathon Man. Passport guy [PG] has a garbage disposal. I wonder if he likes his fingers.

PG didn't like his fingers as much as I thought he might. Odd.

Hope PG has fire insurance. And personal injury.

PG had an address in Fullerton, California. Not TOO far from LA.

Address is a parking lot. Will have to visit PG in hospital.

Forget previous twit. Civilian approached me, asked if I'm a cop [as if]. Saw guys lurking while she was shooting a trailer for her book. May have caught them on film. She's kinda cute. Pity I'm taken.

Waiting for her to find tape. Mentioned that her book was about superheroes. Note to self: look for "Masks" when it's published.

Civilian caught them on tape. Got the little bastards. Larry and Moe in living color.

Civilian suggested nearby location based on direction Larry and Moe are wandering. Must remember to get her book.

At suggested location. Larry and Moe are stupid, but they make up for it with some nice toys. The AR-15s must have been owned by the Bah-stan shooters.

Really cool toys. I can't blow this up.

Called my people. They brought the truck. My toys now.

I left them them a few of their claymore. Hope the rental place has fire insurance.

Thanked civilian. Mentioned that the rental place may not be a good place to be for a few days. Gave me strange look.

Back to LA.

Civilian called my cell from the card I left her. Apparently, the rental place DOESN'T have fire insurance.

Good news: talked to cops [as a "reporter"]. Larry and Moe will need more Bostonians.

Found Larry and Moe outside of actor's trailer. I hurt them.

Found actor. He's dead. OD. Apparently, I should have done the cavity search anyway.

Insurance company is thrilled. No double indemnity. Insurance agent I talked to said that he won the dead pool. The money he won should cover broken nose.

Insurance company threatening assault charges, withholding payment.

Sent company the photos of Passport guy, his home, the Bostonians, and the hippies as part of my "report."

Insurance company has paid in full.

Got a call today from the Vatican. THE Vatican. And I'm still three commandments behind on penance.

Boor-ring. The Vatican wants to pay me to teach people who work there how to defend themselves. Well, that's what they said on the phone. lol

Still lol. Me, teaching self defense. lol.

Fact: Catholic religious cannot "shed blood." Normal reading: this precludes bullets and edged weapons. My reading: does not preclude tactical batons, gas warfare, or electrocution.

$ for my fee coming from Italian noble family, the Pacelli's. Hmm...

Research: Pacelli family is borderline royalty. Still players. A Pacelli negotiated with Mussolini to create the Vatican state. His brother was Eugenio Pacelli, aka Pope Pius XII. I've heard that name somewhere...

Pius XII: aka "Hitler's Pope." Makes me wonder what Italian royalty wants with me. I kill people, and they want me for "self defense"? Double hmm...

Down payment confirmed. I'm off to see the Pontiff, the wonderful Pontiff of Rome....

Almost on plane. Six months in Italy. What could go wrong?