Two Victorian Sisters

Dear Tess,

I have been led to believe that you allowed my Bernard to be beastly with you recently. As you know I have always regarded you as a sister and I am loathe to believe that this can be true. Pray tell me what occurred.

Your dearest friend,

Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

I am afraid to inform you that the rumours you have heard are true, but do be assured that the event was not of my instigation. It happened thus -- I was bending over to pick something up when Bernard assaulted me from behind and was, as you say, beastly with me. He came upon me so sudden I feared for my sanity as I am not used to being assaulted in such a fashion in my own drawing room on a Wednesday afternoon. But, as you can infer, I was not to blame.

Your devoted friend,

Tess

PS -- I am your sister

Dear Tess,

Sorry about the sister thing. Quite forgot. Anyway, I cannot believe that my Bernard would behave in such a brutal fashion. Are you sure he did not trip and thus fall upon you?

Your dearest sister,

Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

I truly cannot say if Bernard tripped, for as I informed you, I was bent down at the time and my gaze was upon the trinket I was retrieving.

Your devoted sister,

Tess

Dear Tess,

It is beyond belief that my sweet Bernard would take advantage of a girl in the way you imply. Are you sure you did not wiggle your bottom at him in a provocative fashion, thus causing a rush of blood to his head and his attack upon your nether parts.

Your dearest sister,

Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

I am outraged that you could think I could behave in such a fashion. I have only wiggled my bottom once in my life. It was during my honeymoon, in front of my husband, Victor, and it gave him a nosebleed. You must seek elsewhere to find a motive behind Bernard's caddish behaviour.

Your dearest sister,

Tess

Dear Tess,

I have now spoken to Bernard about the matter and he confirms that he did indeed trip over a rug which caused him to fall upon you. What I still cannot ascertain is how he managed to achieve his end through your bustle.

Your dearest sister,

Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

Ah, I failed to inform you that I have taken up nude modelling recently and was in that mode when the event occurred. I have had to resort to this as our financial situation is perilous. Victor has been thrown out of the army since leading his regiment on an attack upon our allies, the French, during an exercise. He has always had difficulties with his sense of direction, the silly sausage. In any case I think it was an absolute over-reaction by the military big-wigs as there were only 43 of the Froggies killed and none of them above the rank of sergeant.

As we have no income Victor suggested I take up modelling in the nude for artists and it is quite lucrative at 10 guineas per hour. It doesn't quite cover Victor's gambling debts so I came up with the idea of offering minor beastliness to young gentlemen for a small remuneration. You will understand then that your Bernard owes me 20 guineas. We cannot take cheques else the amount would be taxed so would you slip the amount into an envelope and have your butler drop it off at our residence?

Your loving sister,

Tess

Dear Tess,

I understand entirely your need to pursue a career of nude modelling and offering beastliness to strange men as times are hard. What I fail to understand is this, though you were naked, how it came to be that Bernard managed to be beastly with you if he was fully dressed? He, as far as I know, has not taken up a career of nude modelling. I have spoken to Bernard about the 20 guineas and he says he accepts his debt but says he must pay by cheque and make a record of the transaction, otherwise he will not be able to claim any tax relief on the transaction.

Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

How Bernard achieved his end while fully clothed I do not know, but the fact is that beastliness did occur. You must question him further on the event. I am shocked that he wishes to declare the transaction to the tax authorities. Has he no concern for the reputation of his sister-in-law in her hour of need?

Tess

Dear Tess,

My apologies, dear sister, but I have the truth from Bernard at last. It seems that when he saw you bending over, in all your nakedness, he became extremely aroused and took his manly parts out and handled them vigorously, as he does. I suggested that his trip over the rug then was caused by him approaching you with the intent of being beastly, but he denied this, saying that he was reaching for a box of cigars. I can vouch for this as he likes a smoke while committing the sin of Onan. Nevertheless the fact is that he had his manly parts exposed and so, it was not only your nakedness which caused the incident. Consequently and by way of reparation I have insisted that he pay you in cash, with no record kept, to protect your reputation.

Incidentally, now that he has been beastly with you, I wonder if I may venture that I would not object to your Victor being beastly with me as a sort of quid pro quo. It would seem only fair and I make this offer with Bernard's full approval. I am available for beastliness on the 14th-18th inc. when Bernard is off to Scotland for the shooting.

Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

You are such a sweet sister! I received the 20 guineas yesterday and have tucked them secretly away. Victor is amazingly excited about being beastly with you and says he has had a notion for it ever since he first met you. He was so aroused that he was beastly with me, several times and in various positions. I do hope he provides as much satisfaction as your Bernard did for me. He was beastly with me for over half an hour, which is what made me suspicious about the story of tripping on the rug. Victor asks if being beastly with you is on the same commercial basis that I am pursuing and, if that is the case, what kind of fee you would be looking for?

Tess

Dear Tess,

No, I am not selling beastliness as you are, for we are not in the same financial straits which you are suffering, so you can inform Victor he may keep his cash in his pocket. I am only offering him beastliness so that we can all be on an equal footing in being beastly with each other. I have no particular desire for Victor and look upon the upcoming event as merely a matter of etiquette. The sooner you two can get yourself back on a sound financial footing, so that you can forego selling beastliness, the happier I shall be. It does my reputation no good, let me tell you, to have my sister behaving like a trollop.

Your devoted sibling,

Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

I am saddened that you think me a trollop for I had aspirations to be a strumpet. I acknowledge that these positions hold little in the way of social distinction, but the beastliness is jolly good and one does meet such interesting people. A bishop of the church visited me yesterday but he only wanted me to sit on his lap and call him uncle while he fiddled about beneath my skirts. It was the easiest and quickest 10 guineas I've ever earned. He even said, 'Bless you, child,' when he left.

Your loving sister,

Tess

Dearest Tess,

Sitting on bishop's knees while they fiddle about with your under-carriage is hardly becoming of a well-brought-up young lady. If word of this gets out your reputation will be totally ruined. Have a care, beastliness with young men to earn a coin is understandable, but this goes beyond the pale.

Your concerned sister,

Charlotte.

Dear, sweet, Charlotte,

I fear you have misunderstood me. The gentleman in question was R.C. and not C. of E.

Tess

Dear Tess,

Thank the Lord for that. I had believed that these Romish sorts were only interested in young men's bottoms so, of course, I assumed that the clerical gentleman in question was one of ours. This puts the entire matter in a totally different light though I do warn you to steer clear of the clergy in general. They are there to look after our spiritual needs and should not be tempted by beastliness. Tell Victor I shall expect him at 11am as arranged.

Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

Have no fears, I have no intent to allow full beastliness with a member of the clergy. If I were so minded our local vicar is quite a dish. The poor chap has the misfortune to be married to a wife with a face so sour that one could hardly imagine that she'd ever seen a gentleman's sausage, never mind handled it, so he's be bound to be up for a bit of extra-marital naughtiness. But he has nothing to fear from me as there are enough of the laity to satisfy my financial needs.

I hope you are enjoying your bout of beastliness with Victor. He left here quite the ardent lover at the thought of beastliness with you, and with my consent too. No man could have been more pleased at the consequences of his brother in law tripping over a carpet rug.

Your loving sister,

Tess

Dear Tess,

Your letter is to hand, but your husband is not. I know you said he had a bad sense of direction but he was to be picked up at the railway station by our driver, so I can't see how he could possibly have lost his way. Oh wait, I think I hear the door.

Charlotte

Dearest Charlotte,

I write on behalf of Victor who wants me to thank you for a wonderful weekend. He says the beastliness was absolutely superb and possibly the best he'd ever had, which made me a little jealous, I confess. Nevertheless, he has returned to me re-invigorated and never stops from singing your praises. All day he has been telling me how good you are at this and how wonderfully you did that. If you are such an artiste where beastliness is concerned perhaps you should reconsider offering it on a commercial basis.

Your sister,

Tess

Dear Tess,

I fear Victor's recollections of our encounter differ somewhat from mine. For me, the beastliness was not 'superb' and as a matter of fact I thought it quite inadequate. I had hardly got him into my bed-chamber and started handling his sausage when he was effusive all over my hand. I allowed him a half hour to recover and then attempted again, when he reacted in precisely the same fashion. I will say this for him, he is copious. However the entire weekend proceeded in this fashion and in matter of fact no complete beastliness ever took place. Is this what he is like when he is beastly with you? You must have a very unhappy marital life if this is the case and the chances of you starting a family are slim.

With my deepest regrets.

Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

Victor admits that he became over-excited at thought of being beastly with you and humbly begs your pardon for his woeful performance. He is not, he himself allows, one of nature's long-distance runners, but neither is he a sprinter. He is what you might call a 'middle-distance' man and I have always found him entirely satisfactory in that department. You are, as I freely admit, much more beautiful than I, and I can quite understand how the thought of beastliness with you brought my poor pet to such a state of arousal. So, please forgive us both for our lack.

Your humble sister,

Tess

Dear Tess,

I do not see how you can say that I am more beautiful than you, for as you well know I am your sister. Not only that, I am your twin sister. Even more so, I am your identical twin sister. I am older than you by a matter of ten minutes which might suggest that it is this fact which has worked the trick and your Victor is actually aroused by older women. I would be glad to hear your views on this.

Charlotte

Dear Charlotte,

Ah, but that explains so much. Why we always had our birthdays on the same day and were always the same age. I do wish Mama had told me but, as you know, she was always busy entertaining uncle Samuel and far too distracted for we young sprites. As to Victor being attracted to older women, he denies this vigorously and says he only has eyes for pretty young doxies such as we are. He also says that the incident with old Mrs Puffer, the family cook, was an utter misunderstanding and the rumour that he was caught in her room about to be beastly with her was a falsehood. He was, in fact, rummaging through her clothes looking for a school-book which she had secreted about her person. I have my doubts about this version of events however, as I am aware of how much Victor loathes learning of any sort.

It may therefore be true that he is aroused by old crones, such as you are. Just think, when you reach the grand old age of 30, for a full 10 minutes I shall be only 29. Oh, the joy of being young!

Victor has offered to visit you again and attempt to make a better fist of being beastly if this is acceptable to both Bernard and yourself. For myself, I should think that he has had his chance and should be happy for the limited amount of beastliness he did get. If you think differently, please let me know.

Your younger sister,

Tess