He came to me in the middle of the night, like always. There was no hello exchanged, no easy transition from sleep to sex; most often I woke to the most wonderful feeling in the world, of being inside my lover’s mouth, and only knew what it was when it was over.
He moved over me, pausing to lick my chest a few times before his hot mouth settled over mine.
I gave myself to him, all of me, as he spread my legs and settled between them. I gasped when he entered me, sobbed when he insisted on moving slowly, moaned when he hit my prostate, screamed when it became too much, sighed when I lay there spent, insensate, not even fully comprehending what was happening, only that it was. Didn’t even realize who was doing this to me until his weight lifted from my bed and I could hear the ruffling of clothes.
“You could at least hold me once, you know,” I murmured into the darkness, making little effort on my voice being heard.
“Sorry, babe,” I could hear weariness in his voice and immediately wanted to jump up and make him feel better, even though my mind was already slipping back into unconsciousness.
I snapped awake and looked around, giving a sheepish smile when I realized where I was. “Sorry Maria, couldn’t sleep last night.”
“It’s starting to happen too often. What is this, the fourth time this week?”
I winced and looked at my full plate of chicken salad. “Sorry, love, just a lot on my mind these days.”
“Oh, god, Jonnie, tell me already! I’m getting tired of you shutting me out!”
“I’m not shutting you out,” I said while giving another shrug and picking up my fork to pick at my food.
“Jonnie, in all the years that we’ve been sister and brother, this is the first time that you have shrugged instead of told me the truth, and you’ve been avoiding this discussion for the last month!”
“Maria, just don’t,” I muttered, my voice practically fading into nonexistence.
She sighed, and I knew that I’d won. “God, Jonnie, this is really getting to me. Just, snap out of this soon, okay?”
I’ll try, I told myself.
I dimly felt the sensation of being lifted and then, “Wake up.”
I moaned and cracked open bleary eyes. “Wha-” The rest was cut off when I was set on my feet and shoved chest first into the wall.
“I’ve been meaning to try this for a while,” he whispered into my ear, his warm breath tickling me.
I stepped back, yawning, shook my head when I heard the sound of the cap to the lubricant bottle being unscrewed. My mind drifted and next thing I knew, he had gripped my hips and was in me. I brought my hands up to keep my head from smashing into the wall. This time, he gave me the mindless, hard fucking that I’d been begging for.
My body lit on fire, every nerve ending open for stimulation, the slightest wind from his breath had me shivering. I could feel him pumping away inside me, burning me from the inside, branding me as his.
I felt as if I was opening, as everything inside me began to sing with the oncoming orgasm when he pulled out completely.
My whole body was tense and tears rolled from my eyes as time stood still. I could hear his harsh breathing from somewhere behind me. I couldn’t even feel his hands anymore.
He was back inside me.
I screamed with release.
Her. I looked up and then down immediately. I couldn’t deal with her, couldn’t look at her, couldn’t hear her voice. It was too painful.
Why did she have to be so persistent?
“What, Cassandra?” I snapped.
She frowned at me. “I’m having a small dinner party at my house, I was hoping you could come.”
“Cassandra,” I sighed her name.
“Oh, god, Jonnie, this little spat between my husband and you has gone on long enough! We were becoming friends, but when you met Rick you pulled away completely! Well, I’d really love to be your friend, and I will be, despite your objections. Now, you better be at there!”
“Or you’ll what?”
She stared at me and she shook her head. “I was really hoping that working in a real company would be different than high school, that the people there would be adults. Thank you for reminding me that I’m just the geek in the corner that nobody wants to talk to!”
She stalked away and I buried my head in my hands.
I lifted my head from the pillow and blinked at him, wondering what he meant and why he was still there.
“This is you.” I felt something thrust into my hand. I turned on the light and froze when I saw that it was a photo. A photo of me. Dimly, I recalled the click and flash of the night before, but it had disappeared from my mind when he had left.
I was standing, my body bent like a bow string, my eyes clenched tight, my mouth open, my body glistening with sweat. Everything about my body was accented, especially my erection, darker than the rest of me, pointing straight to the ceiling.
“You can’t see my scars,” I murmured.
“No, you look healthy and at your peak,” he said.
I can hear the amusement in his voice, but I ignored it as I reveled in me, for once finding myself attractive.
“Why did you give it to me? Why did you do it?” I asked him.
He came close and nipped my chin. “Your low self-esteem annoys me.”
“Funny, you haven’t heard me put myself down in a while.”
“Yet it’s there. I wanted something of you to carry around, and most of all wanted a photo. I’m giving you the copy, figured you’d at least admit that you look amazing for once in your life.”
I rolled onto my stomach. “Yep, I definitely look fine.”
He sighed. He knew I wasn’t saying what he wanted me to say.
“You weren’t there.”
I looked up at Cassandra and raised my eyebrows. “Wasn’t where?”
“The dinner party.”
“Don’t tell me you’re surprised.”
“Ugh, what is it between you and my husband anyway? He refuses to talk about it.”
“Well, then I will as well.”
“Oh, god, when was it that you two knew each other?”
When I was first realizing what I was.
“Oh my god, that was so long ago! Why can’t you just move on?”
Because what he did ruined all of my future relationships. As soon as the thought entered my mind, I blanched.
“Jonnie? What is it, Jonnie?”
He had said that I’m amazing, even knowing what was there. He was still there.
“Nothing, Cassandra, go back to work.”
I could feel his mouth on me, swallowing me, there to bring me to desperate peaks of arousal so he could play with me.
But I wasn’t into it.
“Why do you do this?” I whispered.
He immediately stopped and pulled himself from me. My mind hardened itself against the pleas of my body.
“Why do I do what?”
“No, I don’t. I’ve yet to know just how your mind works. Tell me, what is it that I do that you don’t like?”
I didn’t say anything.
“You don’t like the way I fuck you? What? I’m not big enough for you?” he was sneering now, I could feel him over me, taut, all male, perfection, and probably all for slugging me.
“That’s not what I mean.”
“What? You don’t like that I don’t take you out? Not spending any money on you? Hell, even if we could be seen together, I wouldn’t take you anywhere. Why should I be associated with you, you lowlife piece of-”
I reared up and slammed my hands into his chest. His arms closed around me as we tumbled onto the floor, him on the bottom. “Finally,” he gasped, and dragged my head down to his.
His kiss seared my soul and his hands seared my body as he swept them over my back, my butt, and into my crack. I pulled away from him and managed to spit out, “What were you-” before I howled with pleasure as he plunged two fingers into me and found my prostate.
“I think my interrogation skills are fine, don’t you?” he muttered into my neck. “I’ve gotten you to admit that you don’t think that low of yourself, even if not verbally.”
I opened my mouth, probably to curse him out, but my intention was lost as he flipped us over to return to what he had been doing earlier.
It was a week later that I was working late, repeating that one phrase over and over in my mind.
I turned to see my boss, James, standing outside my cubicle, frowning at me.
“What?” I asked, frowning when I realized my voice was weak.
“I’ve heard of overtime, but this is too much. It’s midnight.”
I glanced at the clock by my computer and shook my head, “I just have to finish this,” I said around a yawn.
“It can wait ‘til tomorrow.”
“No, it can’t,” I said, shaking my head.
“Oh? When’s it due?”
That made me pause, and it took a few seconds for me to come up with the answer. “In two days.”
“Then it can wait. You’re one of my best editors, Jonathon, I don’t want anything happening to you. Is everything all right at home?”
“Oh? What’s the problem?”
I opened my mouth, then caught myself. “Wow, I must be really tired,” I muttered to myself, then spoke up, “It’s nothing I can’t fix myself.”
“You do that.”
In the back, some newscaster repeated part of a story she had told earlier, “Apparently, the police were called when a van in front of the building blew up. They appeared in time to arrest the Hessia gang, but not without a fight. Five cops were injured while Two of the Hessia gang died immediately and four were transported to the hospital where one died in the van. Unfortunately, two of the Hessia gang have escaped.”
“Look at that, new meat.”
I turned to see what my friend had been talking about, and found it. A middle-aged man was standing in front of the doorway, looking around. He was shaking his head and even I could see that he seemed a bit nervous.
“Think it’s a closet case?” I asked.
“It’s definitely a closet case. Um, time to break him in.”
Drake slid from his seat and began walking toward the newcomer, and I took in his appearance, feeling myself harden when seeing how built he was, and the ample package between his legs. His face was okay, not much to look at, a nose with freckle dusted over them, an ample mouth, pale skin, and light brown hair with golden highlights. It was his eyes that really captivated me. They were brown, but really light, almost honey. They seemed to glow when they fell on me.
Drake walked up to him, and the eyes flickered from me to him. They talked, but it all stopped when the stranger nodded at me and Drake turned around to give me a grin. He walked back to his seat, taking the man with him.
“Jonnie, baby, looks like you got an admirer,” Drake said in a sing-song voice
I gave the man a smile, but I didn’t know what else to do. I attracted attention with my bright green eyes and blonde hair and my slight build wasn’t bad, but I had never really returned the attraction, always wondering what they’d say when they saw my legs. I stuck to people who’d disappear after sex, but I had a feeling this guy would show up again.
He leaned forward and whispered, “Don’t like what you see?” into my ear.
“That’s not it at all,” I whispered back.
A hand crept up the inside of my thigh, “Then how ‘bout we get together?”
“How ‘bout not?”
He licked my ear, sucked briefly on my earlobe, and I melted.
He didn’t speak in the car, and I didn’t ask him anything. It occurred to me right as I walked into my apartment that I didn’t know his name, but that faded away when he came in after me, slammed the door shut, then slammed me against the wall and began to kiss me.
It was only when his hands roamed too close to my legs that I began to return his assault. I pushed my hand beneath his belt and smirked when it closed around him. He threw his head back, and then unbuckled my belt and his knees buckled. We fell to the floor, and he whispered, “Lube.”
“Suck your fingers and stick them in me,” I whispered.
He complied quickly and efficiently, and soon enough I was face down on the floor with a man that I’d considered shy pounding away on top of me and giving me rug burn like never before.
Afterwards, he dressed immediately, gave me a quick kiss, and left. And returned the next day.
“Johnnie, I think you’re sick.”
“Mind your own business, Maria.”
“Oh, come on, you’re walking around like a zombie. What’s the matter with you?”
“Nothing’s the matter with me.”
“Oh, please, that’s is such bullshit. Did a guy reject you?”
“Oh, come on.”
She rolled her eyes. “I really wish you’d go for more than one night stands.”
“I don’t need a relationship to survive.”
“Yes, you do.”
“Because you have someone that will share your burdens.”
“And I’ll have to share their burdens.”
She sighed. “I really love you, Jonnie, I just wish you’d let others do that, too.”
“What? Three times? God, ain’t it nice that the few times you decide to open up, you do it to such jerks.”
“What? It’s the truth. Your idea of opening up is a few dates and then sex with the light on, and that just doesn’t cut it for some men, and you seem to go for those kind of men.”
I remembered him and shook my head. “No, not really.”
She read something about that and her eyes lit up. “Oh, my god. Tell me everything!”
“I don’t want to.”
“Because it’s over.”
“Why are you handcuffing me?”
“Because I want to.”
I sighed. “Should you really be using these handcuffs? You wouldn’t get in trouble, would you?”
He chuckled and made sure I couldn’t get out of my position; sitting in a chair with my hands handcuffed to the wooden legs. Naked.
He unbuttoned my shirt slowly, pausing to lick my chest as every inch of skin appeared. I was writhing on the chair when he began to pull my pants off. I froze, but it was too late. He had already seen. He had my pants off in a second.
“So this is why you insisted on the light being off,” he murmured, looking at my legs.
My face was turned away. “Let me go,” I whispered.
“No.” He kissed my knee and my head snapped to him, my eyes searched his, desperate for any sign of betrayal. I couldn’t let this stranger, this man who only let me know what his profession and current predicament was, this man that wouldn’t even tell me his name, be the one to finally get past my defenses. I needed a well rounded man, not one that could disappear on me one day because someone in his life suddenly put him on a leash.
“Why did you come back?”
“Yes, that night.”
“Because you were a hot fuck.”
His crude language had me gasping, especially when he sucked my big toe into his mouth.
Cassandra walked into my cubicle, but I didn’t want to acknowledge her. I didn’t need any more invitations.
“Jonnie, I am so sorry.”
Everything stopped. I turned around to see tears glistening in her eyes.
“Cassandra,” my voice was barely a whisper.
“I made him tell me and he told. I am so, so sorry.”
“Cassandra, it’s not your fault,” I reached out to hug her and the tears spilled.
“But, I married him! My god, I didn’t know he could do such a thing!”
“Cassie, we were young, foolish, he could have done anything back then.”
“Except act maturely?”
I shook my head.”
“I just, I just wanted to say I’m sorry, Jonnie. If there’s anything I could do.”
“There’s nothing, Cassandra. I’m sorry about this. We might have had a wonderful friendship, but, unfortunately, I can’t.”
“I was in a car.”
He lay beside me, still. He didn’t know what I was talking about, why I had started talking. For some reason, he had stayed the night, for the first time, but I had no doubt he wouldn’t be doing it again. That he wouldn’t even have a choice.
“I was heading toward my grandmother’s house and other cars appeared in back of mine. They began to bump into mine, and I tried to get ahead. Suddenly, they pulled down their windows and began screaming things like ‘faggot,’ ‘cocksucker,’ and then I remember this one guy, he had his car be brought up in front of mine while I desperately tried to get mine away. He did it so easily; his car was a better model, newer, built for speed, mine was a dump. He threw a beer bottle at my front window. There was a crack, and stuff splashed all over it. I crashed into a tree. The whole front of the car caved in, ruined my legs. The doctors say I’m lucky to be walking.”
He didn’t say anything, just looked at me. I could feel his eyes on me. When I turned my head toward his, his golden eyes glowed with unshed tears.
“Because of that guy, I can’t be friends with a really wonderful woman. Because of that one incident, he’s going to be married to a woman that will feel like she doesn’t really know him. And because of him, you’re the first man that’s remained with me after learning of them. Thank you.”
“Wow, this Hessia thing’s all over the papers. It’s all anyone’s talking about. Everybody’s wondering which of the friends was the leak. My god, can you believe it? These people killed hundreds of children, and they were arrested because of a leak.”
I scowled at my food, and Maria nudged me. “Didn’t you hear a word I said?”
“Yeah, I did.”
“Well, anyway, did you hear that one of the four injured guys died on the way to the hospital? My god, it’s horrible. There’s a picture of him lying on the gurney. Gosh, isn’t it a shame, he’s so handsome.”
I didn’t glance at the picture. The image was already seared into my mind.
“You never fuck with the windows open or lights on.”
He glanced at me, and then sighed. “I don’t want anybody to see.”
“The wrong person, that’s who.”
I rolled my eyes.
“Listen, babe, I may seem cautious, but there’s more than my job that’s on the line.”
“It’s just, you didn’t seem that affected by … it … it’s okay if you are.”
He punched me and then grabbed me, pulling me into a hug, burying his head into my shoulder. “You fucking idiot, it’s not that, god, it’s not that. It’s not that, it’s much bigger than that. I love your fucking legs, especially when they’re wrapped around my waist.”
“So, why haven’t you been on a date for three years, Jonnie? Maria’s getting real worried about you!”
“I know, Ma, I know. She’s told me.”
“Baby, I know it might be harder to meet cute guys when you’re gay, but surely there are some online things. God knows, Eric’s been raving about the people he’s met online.”
“Eric’s thirteen, Mama, don’t let him do that.”
“Why? He’s promised not to say where he lives, his real name, and that he won’t meet any of them, so why bother? He’ll do it anyway.”
I smiled. “You’re wonderful, Ma.”
“Course I am, now tell me, why is it that you aren’t dating anyone.”
“Because I fell in love.”
She squealed. “Really? To who? When? Why haven’t you told anyone? My god, I could spank you for this, boy!”
She immediately quieted down. “What happened?”
“Remember all the goings on about the Hessia gang a few years ago?”
“Well, he was one of the so-called friends that died the night they were arrested.”
“You fell in love with a felon?”
“No, Mama, I fell in love with a cop working undercover. He was the leak.”
“Yeah, oh. I love you, Mama.”
“Are you going?”
I tried to swallow the lump in my throat. “I’ve got to.”
“Okay, bye then, baby.”
It was when the phone clicked off that I moved on. I looked around myself. My apartment was a mess. For three years, I had relived my memories of him, and that time, over and over in my head, just loving him more, but I had finally told another of him. Of my cop. Of the man with golden eyes and no name. I can finally move on.