Unconventional Plans

As I sat in the corner of the room, I felt relaxed. I looked around and everyone seemed to be anxious, and nervous. I looked into the eyes of a few and saw unrequited fear. I, however, was at peace with everything. This was what I was meant for. I couldn't argue with fate. I had put myself in this situation, knowing full well what would happen, and now the expected end was near.

I closed my eyes and leaned back and felt the back of my head touch the cold rough texture of the wall. My hands, bound behind my back. With my eyes closed I remembered my parents reaction when I told them I had enlisted. They were angry, frustrated, confused. They couldn't figure out why I would do such a thing, when I knew how they felt about this administration's war. Why I would do this to them, when they had done their best to raise me in a loving environment.

How could I pay them back this way?

I came up with a lame excuse of serving my country or something, but I don't know if they bought it. As fucked up as my mindstate was at the time, I don't know if I would have believed it, myself. My father sat down with me later that night and tried to speak to me, man to man.

He explained that he knew that I had been going through some rough patches in my life lately, and wanted to know if I wanted him to help me get out of it. Not sure how he would have done that, but I just shook my head.

The rough patch that he referred to had been the death of my girlfriend and her little brother in a massive accident that I was involved in. A drunk had ran a red light and slammed into our Honda Accord and totaled it. Miraculously I had not been hurt much more than a few bruises and a shit load of mental anguish. My girlfriend's brother died instantly. She, however, had not been so lucky. I sat there with her as she cried in my lap. I had never felt so powerless in my life. What the fuck had I done to deserve this? What had she done? What had her brother done?

I had no answers. As I tried to move on with my life I realized I could not focus on the real world anymore. What had been there for me was not there anymore. After the accident, I had somehow lost my ability to socialize. I couldn't talk to people. I couldn't be around people. And I thought I had escaped the accident whole. How arrogant of me. I thought about suicide, but realized I couldn't do that to myself. No matter how depressed I was, I was too afraid of God.

So one day I came across an ad in a magazine about the Army, and I realized what I had to do. This was what was waiting for me. This was my solution to peace. This could make me better again.

So here I was, six weeks into my service in Iraq, tied up in some grungy building with a bunch of other people. I seemed to be the only soldier. There were a few business types, and a woman in a pair of dirty blue jeans and a green shirt. They all were terrified out of their minds.

I heard some noise and I opened my eyes and looked around. Some men walked in, but I couldn't see what they looked like. They had their faces covered.

One of them looked around and pointed at me. Here we go. Another one walked past him and grabbed me by the left arm and dragged me roughly to my feet. He held me as the first man tied something around my eyes, so I could not see. I was pulled along outside. I could tell I was outside because I felt a sharp wind against my face and sand blew into my ear.

Suddenly I was in another room, and there were several voices in a language I did not understand. I was shoved down onto my knees and then there was a bunch of yelling. Surprisingly I did not shake, I was not nervous in the least. This was the ultimate end to my existence.

The last thought that went through my mind as I felt a sharp pain in the back of my neck was that there had to be an easier way to commit suicide.