tagHumor & SatireUnderclothes Make the Man--or Woman

Underclothes Make the Man--or Woman

byCal Y. Pygia©

As fashion statements go, the birthday suit is hard to beat. Tits, ass, cock and balls, buttocks, and even the vagina, in its own way, are attention-getters, no doubt about it. (For that reason, shemales are hotter than either males or females, combining, as it were, the best of both worlds while avoiding the worst features of both sexes--the male chest and the female cunt, in case you were wondering.)

Most people, including faggots, seem to prefer nude women to clothed women, and most people, including straights, appear to favor nude men to even the best-dressed men. Whether straight women have a thing for naked men, gay or straight, is debatable, although magazines like Cosmopolitan assure their readers that women do enjoy the sight of a bare butt of the male persuasion. (On the other hand, though, Cosmo, like printed periodicals in general, is just about extinct.)

It's been said by someone (I think it was Giovanni Versace) that "clothes make the man." If that's so, it's underclothes that make the woman--and, okay, the shemale. (Since some misguided souls insist that chicks with dicks are men, rather than the women whom they claim to be, I guess, for such sticklers, underclothes make the man and the woman.) Certainly it's my contention, in my short story, "Thongs" (which was originally supposed to be called "Thongs of Innocence, Thongs of Experience," a takeoff on William Blake's Songs of Innocence and Thongs of Experience, a clever idea that was prevented from realization by Literotica's chintzy allowance of only a tiny number of characters in its stories' title fields) that such is the case.

Anyway, underclothes definitely do make the man or the woman. Designed to reveal, rather to conceal, or to reveal by concealing, some body parts (the good ones) but not others (the so-so or boring ones), underclothes exist in more varieties than there are words to describe them. This poses a problem for communication, but it's one that the designers of fashionable (and, sometimes, unfashionable) unmentionables solve, more or less, by simply making up words on the spot to identify their latest undies items. (In the trade, this practice is known as "coining a word"; it's known by that term in other walks of life, too, but this essay, in case you didn't notice, is about how "Underclothes Make the Man or Woman." Put a little caffeine in your coffee.) If their practice of coining words to identify their fashionable undies is good enough for the fashion designers of unmentionables themselves, it's certainly good enough for me, and I will use the same method to distinguish one item of underwear apparel from another in this essay. Problem solved. Let's move on.

The Derriere Décolletage Displayer is essentially a fishnet-style pair of pantyhose containing (or, I guess I should say, not containing) a cutout. (A "cutout," for those of you who are too ignorant about underwear ever to have worn any yourselves or to have noticed it on anyone else, is a part of the garment that has been perfectly cut out to expose what, otherwise, would be covered, if the cutout had not be cut out.) Its name (which I just invented, or "coined," out of whole cloth, as they say) is self-explanatory, but, since I have to have at least 1,000 words before Literotica's oh-so-busy editors will even consider posting my damned essay, I will explain its meaning, anyway: it refers to the exposure of the ass crack, "derriere" meaning "fanny" and "décolletage" meaning "crack," at least among the French, and "display" meaning "to show off," at least among voyeurs and other showoffs.

By uncovering, instead of covering, one's ass, the Derriere Décolletage Displayer, or "DDD," as it is also sometimes called, because fashion designers love acronyms, calls attention to the rear end which, especially among ugly men, women, and shemales, is apt to go unnoticed without a little such assistance. As I mentioned at the outset of this essay (and as you would know, were you attentive enough to notice underwear in the first place), as fashion statements go, the birthday suit is hard to beat, and the bare ass is part of this suit; therefore, displayed, it's hard to beat. (Well, actually, a bare ass is pretty much the easiest part of the anatomy to beat, but you get my drift, maybe.)

The DDD looks best, I think, on genetic girls, because they have the ass to fill it out, but it looks pretty good on the shemale ass, too, making the tranny fanny appear almost human. On most men, the DDD doesn't look all that hot, and, in my opinion, shouldn't be considered a viable substitute for, or replacement of, the jockstrap. As queers the world over would be likely to agree, there's no finer item of underwear for men to wear than the jockstrap unless it's a Speedo, maybe. (Yes, I know that a Speedo is usually considered a swimsuit of sorts, but among fashion designers and other male homosexuals, outerwear can be underwear, just as outercourse can be intercourse. Among the fashion-minded, it's always been a crazy, mixed-up world. Get used to it. They're here, they're queer, and, as the late, great Michael Jackson proves, they're not going away anytime soon.)

The thong--no, I've already mentioned thongs, and I've just given considerable coverage to the DDD--more, in fact, than it gives to the derriere--so I will use my 200-plus remaining words to consider the choker. A BDSM item of gay apparel, the choker is worn around the neck, where the jugular vein is located, or it can double as a thigh-high garter and be worn around the upper leg, where the femoral artery makes its home. The purpose of the choker is to choke, hence its name, "choker." Although most serial killers (and sadists) choke their victims by going for the throat, it's possible to accomplish the same goal by cutting off the blood supply to the extremities and, eventually, the heart. Just restrict the circulatory system's return blood flow by pinching off the femoral artery, which, as I mentioned, is located in the thigh. That's why the choker can be worn as either a collar or a thigh-high garter.

Chokers come in a variety of bright, festive colors, but one should exercise (or, possibly, exorcise) care in selecting such an important fashion accessory, choosing a color that accentuates one's complexion and remembering that, when the choker is operational, the skin, whatever its natural hue, is going to turn purple. Purple faces and legs definitely draw the attention of a crowd, making the woman (or shemale) on your arm an attractive accessory at gay parties or stuffy business meetings, and, these days, this item comes not only in His and Hers pairs, but also in His and His and Hers and Hers couplings. Ain't multiculturalism grand? Seriously, it's likely to save our land!

Next, I'd like to consider--oops! Sorry, but I'm past my 1,000-word goal, so I'm outta here. Maybe there will be a sequel; maybe not.

Gotta run!

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byCal Y. Pygia© 0 comments/ 8765 views/ 0 favorites

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