Use versus Abuse

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More slave musing.
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Now here is a sticky one. What constitutes abuse? Some might say that having to wear a thong was abuse, or being made to do dishes, or having a water restriction on bathing their much loved front lawn. Abuse may indeed be in the eye of the beholder.

For myself, tie me up and whip a few pints out of me, and I will be less than a happy camper. For another, that is exactly what they have planned for next weekend. To each their own.

I am not entirely squeamish. I like to play a bit rough, bite and be bitten, leave a few scratches if my wrists aren't bound nice and tight. I may not be aware of all of my limits, have so much exploring still to do, but I have some pretty good ideas on what is just not going to turn me on, never mind have me praying for it to never happen. We don't always get this choice.

I have been through a few things that were horrible, that I would never wish on another, and yet know that some do fantasize about and would quite enjoy those very situations. While by the same token, some of my little oddities would bring shock and shudders to several women I know. Some things you just don't talk about in certain circles, but should be shared in others for the well being and enlightenment of all concerned.

We all have our limits, boundaries, and lines that should just not be crossed. Some of us are quite blatant about them, up front and in your face. Others, myself included, are more quiet and hopeful and sometimes naive. We can get trampled on if someone is not holding our hand. Then again, some of us are hoping to get stepped on, kicked, and walked all over. I certainty can't speak for everyone, nor would I try to. I only know myself, and the few places I have been and can share from.

We all deserve our share of respect, freedom, choice, and safety. If you love saying no when you really mean yes, then you need to make sure you find someone that will pick up your signals and push you accordingly. If you are the type like me, that have problems saying no even when you know it's for your own good, then the same applies. Find someone that you let get to know you well enough to see past what you are saying to what you are meaning. This is not always easy, and so much simpler to say than to do.

I have often regretted going along with something, knowing when I did it that nothing but trouble would happen, and letting it go on anyway. The problem with being a 'good' slave, is just doing as told, no matter what the consequence. Here is were a great Dom steps in, by protecting us from ourselves as needed. We often can't see where we are going wrong, or simply can't seem to help ourselves from following someone to bad places.

A responsible Dominant will have our safety, health, well being, pleasure, needs, and desires well in mind, as well as firmly in hand. This is what separates the wheat from the chaff, the ladies and gentlemen from bench warming wannabes, the clueless egotists, and outright sadists. Beware, and be wary. Trust is the name of the game, and runs both ways.

Communication is key. Know the rules, write your rules, agree on rules, spell out and be sure you are aware and comfortable before handing yourself over to someone that may not have your best interests at heart. If you aren't sure about anything, then don't go there. Yes, it may end up perfectly fine. Or it may be a nightmare. All anyone can do is their best, but no few of us don't bother, unless that best is just for themselves.

It would be nice if life came with a manual and lots of maps, 'Here be Dragons' indeed. I have learned a few things the hard way, often harder than I needed to because I didn't know what I was, and so didn't account for it. We subs have to take special care. Those of us particularly new or introverted or highly of a slave bent, really have to be cautious. Sometimes our nature gets the better of us when we land in the wrong hands.

Not all Doms, Masters, Mistresses, or the like, are created equal, just as we subs, servants, slaves, and the like are all very different at times. Some of us are lucky, or smart, or tough enough, or meet the right people in the right ways. Some get taken, whether we fight it or not. And some of us have to fight our own internal wiring not to be abused.

I let myself down a few times, from lack of knowledge and blindly trusting the wrong types. That didn't mean it was all bad, but it also didn't get me what I really needed, to really be owned and adored for the wonderful gift I have to give, and so enjoy giving. I got lucky. I hope we all do. But always a little caution, as much as we can muster.

The first gleam of that new penny can be exciting, can dazzle with possibility, but it can also blind. It's not always easy to do what is right, or best, or right at the time. We can't always see where we are headed, and it doesn't help when someone is leading us astray. Do bear in mind, life is a gift, or is supposed to be. Love is a wonder, magic, bliss. If something is wrong, part of you will know, you just have to be open and listen.

We are all of us part of another, and so very lucky to find one that makes us whole and happy. Life is also about learning, especially the lives of Masters and slaves, where so much is shared between two people in a very intense and special relationship. If the one you give yourself to is not living up to their end of your agreement, or worse, violating it, then it's past time to move on. Do right by you, if no one else will.

There is someone out there for you, the right place and situation that will meet your needs. Just don't let anyone bully you, or take what is yours to give. We can make things very difficult on ourselves, but once we are truly free by finding where we belong, whom we belong to ... well, the stars are the limit. You just have to reach.

So take care of you. Make that arm a strong one, that hand steady from experience. Know your limits, and make sure that anyone you play with, nevermind want to belong to, is going to take your gift seriously. Read about contracts, or write up your own. Anyone that flat refuses the idea is probably someone you should run from. Of course a paper is no guarantee, but it may help, or at the very least put you in a place to determine just what it is you want and are looking for. It is also the clearest way to show a potential Dominant what you expect from any scene.

We have to arm ourselves as best we can, in this strange and tantalizing world beyond the vanilla. Luck won't always hold, not per my experience, so knowledge, and a little caution, is key. Never venture alone, and don't go along with something just because 'a good slave would'. People have safe words for a reason. This life is about fulfillment, not misery.

If you really aren't happy, then something needs to change. Don't be afraid to do right by yourself, no matter how hard it seems. This lifestyle, like any other, comes down to finding and expressing yourself, and living. Your dream may be someone else's nightmare, but it is still your right, your joy, and we should all be so lucky to find that.

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AnonymousAnonymousover 18 years ago
generalities vs specifics

Your essay is fine and understandable. But if you really want to make your point and be remembered, add some specifics. Some anecdotes of bad experiences as well as those where the "good DOM" saved you from yourself would enhance this greatly. If they would be too revealing (and they might be) change some details and/or do the old "a friend of mine tells a story of ...."

You are being very prolific in a short time - keep it up!

<hands you a rose WITH the thorns>

Lou JeanLou Jeanover 18 years ago
Once Again Enjoyed

Very well written. It is good to see a submissive who is aware of their rights. Again, I say it is very important to do your research. And I can see that you have done yours.

rgraham666rgraham666over 18 years ago
Another useful essay

The name of the game is 'responsibility', the constant companion to authourity.

A dom has authourity over a sub, and is thus responsible for their health and well being. Authourity without responsibility means nothing but misery for the sub, in my opinion.

Nice work Cherry. Again you've written an insightful piece of work.

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