Utter Love Ch. 02

He felt like a drink, he always felt like a drink when he opened her cards, but he knew the feeling would pass, it was just a matter of hanging on, day after day, year after year and he grabbed his jacket and left his apartment. If he must wrestle with his emotions, it was best that his body was burning energy with exercise.

He first became aware of the hole in his life in that first year at college. He didn't know what caused the emptiness, he knew only that as the years passed the emptiness grew inside him like a tumor, nagging at first but persistently until the hollowness came to consume him.

The first marriage hadn't helped and nor did the second and now those women were not even memories, just aberrations, self indulgent aberrations where he took what he could for as long as his wives were willing to give, then there was nothing, like the job, nothing.

But there had been promise, he could have had it all, it was there for the taking. All he needed to do was care. But he didn't care, he didn't care about anything, he just fed his emptiness and called it his life.

The fingers lifted the phone and put it back in the cradle three times before the ringing in his ear. He hadn't rehearsed what he was going to say, hadn't even thought about it, hadn't planned to call, "Hello?"

"It's Jake," and for the first time since Billy Thornton hit him with a baseball bat in grade 4, he began to cry.

"I love you, Jake. Will you come and see me?"

"Yes."

She slipped into the chair beside him and before she was even settled she had his hand in hers. They just looked at each other saying nothing for almost a minute before she said, "You look good, Jake, you've been taking care of yourself."

Jake knew she was alluding to the drinking that had over-taken him, "I've been off the stuff for almost five years," then he smiled wanly, knowing the confession was an admission of failure, "do we have to be here? I'm not hungry, Jill. I would far rather walk."

"Walk it is," she said, getting to her feet, and they left the dinning room, passing the waiter on the way out.

"Sorry," he said, letting her take his hand, "when I get nervous I need to move around."

"You're nervous?" She moved into him as they walked.

"20 years and I've never had the guts to apologize. Am I nervous?" Jake snorted in contempt, "I hope so."

"Apologize for what, Jake?" Jill looked up at him.

"For the way I treated you …"

Jill shouldered her brother, sending him a little off balance, "Don't go there, Jake, that didn't happen, that wasn't you."

"It might have been."

"It wasn't."

They walked in silence, both knew it was Jake's time to talk but they said nothing for a full block before he spoke, "You've done well, Jill, really well."

She shrugged, "Anyone could have done what I've done if that's all they did, if they worked 20 hours a day, 52 weeks a year for 15 years."

"Not every one. You've built a company that they're teaching about in business schools."

"I worked hard. I hired good people. I was lucky."

She clearly didn't want to talk about her success, so Jake asked, "Has it been worth it? All the work?"

She didn't break her stride, didn't change her voice, didn't look at him, she just squeezed his hand and said, "I don't know, Jake, you tell me." When he didn't say anything she continued, but this time with a touch of impatience, as if she shouldn't need to explain herself, "I love you Jake, surely you must know that, I did it all because of you. Do you remember what you said to me?" She continued, knowing he didn't, "You said the only way we could do what I was planning was if we were so rich it would be considered eccentric. Do you remember that?" She hesitated for just a moment, "Well I want us to be eccentric, Jake, I still want that more than anything else on earth. The 15 years it took me to build the company will have been worth it only if we can spend the next 30 together."

"Don't, Jill."

The hope in Jill's eyes turned to pain. "You don't want me?"

"Don't."

Jill pulled her brother to a stop, "Look, Jake, I haven't changed, I haven't changed one fucking iota. I love you, I want to be with you, I want my arms around you, I want you in my office, I want you in my kitchen — I want your spit in my mouth, Jake and I'm doing everything I possibly can to make that happen. But I can't bend your will, I can't make you love me, I can't make you want to be with me. If you've come here to feel better about yourself, fine, OK, but don't tell me not to love you, don't you fucking dare." She started walking again and pulled him along, "Here's the deal. I know you're planning to leave your job and I know you're miserable so let me change that. Come and work for me and come and live with me. You don't have to do both, you can just do the one, but I want you in my life, Jake, I want you as far into my life as I can get you."

They met for breakfast the next morning then went for another walk, but this time they walked, hand in hand, in silence, as if they were old friends on a familiar stroll, and when they parted Jake said only, "I'll call you, Jill."

But he didn't, instead at 9 o'clock that night he rang the bell of her apartment and when she opened the door he just stood there, stupidly, with tears running down his cheeks and when she kissed at them he grabbed onto her and hugged her, "Hold me, Jill. Please hold me."

The night lasted until daybreak when Jake left the apartment and drove home. He knew the secret to any happiness he could find was not to find the right person, or the right job. It was more complicated than that, and more simple. His challenge was to care again, to invest himself in something other than his self, and for that to happen he had to give, something he had never done before. So as he drove the freeway home, his choices became increasingly obvious … and so was the answer. There was only one person he ever gave a damn about and she still wanted him but could he commit to her? Could he give himself to her?

He said he would phone her and he did, but not from his home, he never got that far. He phoned her from her apartment. "Hi. I'm at your place."

And in less then half an hour so was she, they were sitting on the sofa and he was holding both her hands and instead of a face etched in sorrow he was smiling, "This is going to be difficult, isn't it?"

"Nope."

"They'll be talk."

"Fuck 'em, we're eccentric," and she leaned forward and put her head on his shoulder. "This is about us, Jake, and only about us. I want us to be back in your bedroom again, I want to feel the way we did, I want every hour to feel like that, everywhere we go." Then, to break the mood, she pushed him as she got up and left the room but returned in a moment, swinging a pair of green panties on her finger, "Have you been into my underwear, Jake?"

Jake smiled, "Hey, it's what I do."

"Let's make love, Jake, let's make up for 20 years."

She was in the middle of the room, thin and fit in a short tan skirt and jacket with a burgundy blouse. She didn't have her mother's striking beauty, perhaps she was too worn out for that, a life too lost to labour, instead, through her steel grey eyes, she radiated a penetrating intelligence that most found intimidating. But not now, not when she was with her brother; when she was with her brother her eyes were too filled with love for that.

When he took her in his arms she wrapped her arms around his neck and looked into he eyes, "You're home now, Jake. From now on everything will be as it should be; I won't let you wreck it. OK?"

Jake felt a jolt of fear rush through him but he felt his emptiness slip away, too, and it just then occurred to him that the choice was never about accepting her or rejecting her. The choice had always been about letting a social taboo dictate his life or fighting it. But she had known that, she had known that from the first time she went to him in his bedroom. She had made her choice then: it's what I want, not what my neighbour wants for me. And he only then realized the depth of her courage and the strength of her commitment. He looked into the grey eyes that bore into him and felt a wave of love wash through him, fill him to bursting and he swept her off her feet into his arms, "Where to?"

She nodded and he carried her down to the end of the hall and entered the bedroom and as he did Jill flicked on the lights and he stopped in amazement. It was a huge room with an immense bed, cushioned furniture around a fireplace and a wall of windows looking out onto the flickering lights of the city. "My God, this is your bedroom?"

"Our bedroom, Jake, I had it built for us," she laughed, "10 years ago."

He laughed, too, a giddy laugh and carried her over to the bed but rather then placing her on it, he threw her into the air so she landed in a soft disheveling heap.

"Hey!" There was anger in her eyes but when she read his face she started to laugh and she reached out to grab at his leg but he jumped away.

"You think having me around is going to be easy, don't you. Well, it's not. I'll remind you that I'm a member of the master species and you're just a girl, so let's get that straight." Then he hesitated, as if sizing her up for the first time, "But a bloody attractive girl. Sure, you could probably use a manicure, and sure, your left eyebrow is a little longer then your right …"

"It is not," she jumped off the bed as if to attack him, but he pushed her back again and when she landed her skirt hiked up almost to her panties and her legs hung over the bed. The laughter that had lit up her face had now turned to an almost fierce look of desire.

"God, you're beautiful Jill."

She held her arms up, welcoming him to her but he went towards her slowly and sat down beside her, "I don't give a shit what anybody says, Jill, I'm going to be the best fucking husband any sister ever had," and he bent down and kissed her, "many I take off your clothes?"

"Oh, God Jake, do you know how long I've waited for you to say that?"

He looked at her, studied her face, looked into the eyes that were piercing into his, eyes that were filled with love and hope and desire and tears. "God, Jill, I've just so sorry for what I did to you."

She grabbed him by the waist, put her arms around him and hugged him fiercely, "You won't do that again?"

He caressed her hair soothingly, "This isn't going to be easy, Jill, we're going to have our moments but from now on we're in this together, we're going to make our way together and we're going to make it work. If you want me, you've got me," then he laughed, "and may God have mercy on your soul."

Jill pushed her brother down on the bed and crawled onto him and she took his face in her hands, "Then our life together has begun and it's never going to end," and she bent down and kissed him and just as he was about to squeeze her into him, she jumped up to stand on the bed where he watched her quickly take off her clothes but when she had everything off but her panties she looked down at him, "Well?" And when he smiled, she fell onto him squealing like a school girl. Then she straddled him, sitting on his stomach, rubbing herself into him, smiling down at him, "It's like old times, ah, you, me and my panties?" When she bent down and kissed him he took the breasts swaying above him in his hands and she pulled back, covering his hands with hers, "We were naughty, weren't we?"

"Oh, God, ya, we were just so fucking …"

"Did you think about those days, Jake?"

Jake shook his head, "I couldn't, Jill, I just couldn't let you in, it hurt too much."

"But I'm in now?" Jill's voice was weak, almost like a child's. She wanted reassurance.

"We're together, Jill, we're together," but as she bent down to kiss him he added, laughing "But you really were a little harlot, a trollop, a strumpet …"

Jill pulled the pillow from above his head and beat him with it, "Who're you calling a strumpet, you sister fucking …" but she couldn't finish, she collapsed into his arms laughing, pushing her hands under his body, holding him, "Oh, God, Jake, this is going to be so fucking great."

And for the first time he thought so, too and he pulled her head gently back and brought his lips to hers with a passion he hadn't known since youth. And she responded, wrapping her arms around his head and pressing her face into his, pushing her tongue into his tongue, driving her spit into his. She was moaning now and forcing her words into his mouth, "Oh God, Jake, oh Jake," and his fingers were raking down her back but when they got to her ass, he stopped and sat up, tipping her onto her back.

There was a hint of fear in her eyes when she looked up at him so he quickly bent down and kissed her lightly, "I just want to look at you Jill."

Jill jumped from the bed, laughing again and she twirl three times beside the bed, "Look what you get for twenty thousand bucks in gym fees," and she continued to laugh gaily, but he didn't, instead he stopped her and held her by the hips, "You're beautiful, Jill, you're really, really beautiful. You should be very proud of yourself," and he pulled her in and as he pushed his face against her tight white stomach she jumped on him, pinning his head against the bed.

His hands were on her ass pushing her upwards until his face was pressed into her panties and he could feel her heat and as he pressed her into his face she pivoted around him and as he kicked off his shoes, she quickly took off his pants and underwear, and took his stiff dick in her fingers and studied it, twisting it gently before kissing it, lightly on the head and then she sucked at it, rubbing the head into her teeth and then she opened her mouth and sucked it tenderly, soothingly, letting her saliva build along its length and then she took it from her mouth and pressed it against her cheek. "Put it in me, Jake."

He pulled her panties off and when he did he stuck his face between her legs and kissed her, pushing her into his face, sucking deeply and then he let her go and brought her around to lie on top of him and he kissed her eyes and sucked on her nose.

"You smell," she laughed. "I could never be a lesbian."

"Don't you like me kissing you there?"

"Oh, God, yes, Jake, I love you kissing me everywhere it's just that I don't know how you can do it."

"What, are you kidding," he threw her from him and was at the end of the bed on his knees dragging her on her stomach to him but she was resisting, pulling at the covers, laughing and licking at him, but he had her legs pinned and he was forcing her open, biting on her ass, little bites, sucking bites and she rose up for him and he folded his arms under her legs and forced his face into her juices.

She wasn't trying to kick any more, instead she was gyrating and pushing into him and when he felt she had built almost to the point of release he let go of her and turned her over on the bed and was on top of her and he put his prick to her and gently eased it in while she pushed at it, eagerly, demandingly and when her cries reached crescendo he brought his mouth down on hers and absorbed the screams, absorbed her high-pitched squeals into his throat until there was only panting.

He had a smile on his face when he rolled off her, and so did she when she rolled up on her arm and spat at him, spat full in his face but before he could react she was rubbing his mouth roughly with the sheets and when she finished she quickly jumped on top of him and put her mouth on his and his prick inside her and she slowly ground at him, sucking his mouth, pulling his tongue into hers, biting it as she worked her cunt up and down his slippery prick until she felt him explode in her, until the moan echoing inside her head began to diminish but before he relaxed, spent, she pulled his prick out of her, reached down, swabbed herself with her fingers and wiped their juices roughly over his face and before he could react, she rolled off the bed and ran from the room.

But to where? He didn't know. He laughed and wiped his face on the sheet then got off the bed to find her. He poked his head into the other rooms along the hallway, bedrooms, three of them including one that was clearly hers. Another room was a library, complete with floor to ceiling book cases, leather furniture arranged around a fireplace, and a large table with computer. Beside the library along the hallway was, what? A media room? Electronics were neatly stacked against one wall and an immense CD collection covered another.

He padded past the living room to the kitchen and found her on the balcony, in a hot tub and when he slipped in beside her he went under the water and rubbed at his face.

When he surfaced, he said, "That was disgusting."

She laughed and took his hand, "As disgusting as making me suck on my own pussy?" She pulled him to her and quickly became reflective, "Most every night I would come in her for awhile to unwind and I never once came here without wondering if the day would ever come when you would be in here with me." She smiled at him, as if the admission was painful, "And now you're here, we're finally together. Don't ever leave me, Jake."

He put his arms around her and held her tight, "I won't," he said, kissing her lightly and when he added, "You're my only chance at happiness," she squeezed hard.

"Oh, God, Jake, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

"I think it's true," there was a grim look on his face, "I don't know where it's going to lead, but it's true, you're my only chance at happiness."

She searched his face and tried an unconvincing smile, "You don't look very happy about it."

"I'm 40 years old and the only woman I've ever been able to love is my own sister, and as bad, the only man she's been able to love is her own fucking brother."

"Does that bother you?"

"Of course it bothers me, why wouldn't it? But it doesn't seem to bother you. It never has."

"Bother me? Why should it? Because the one man I love is my brother. That should bother me?"

"I don't know why you always make this so difficult for me. Can't you just for once admit that it's wrong, morally, legally and socially wrong?"

"No, I won't admit it's wrong because it isn't, not to me. It's right, I love you and I love loving you, I love everything about loving you," and she pushed him playfully, "and I'd like to show you right now." She climbed from the tub and bent down to help him out and when he climbed out she noticed his hard on. "If what we're doing is so wrong, why do you have that?" She took him by his pecker and led him through the kitchen to the hall and their bedroom.

"Do you mind," he laughed.

"Afraid to answer my question?"

"I have this for a number of reasons; I love you, you have a sexy body, I like the way your tits giggle, your love for me turns me on, the prospects of fucking you is, well … I come by my erection quite honestly."

"Well," she said, "You're proving my point."

"No I'm not. Men get hard-ons looking at women's giggling breasts, it doesn't matter who they're attached to."

"Actually, I was thinking of the smile on your face. That's what proves my point, I am making you happy and sex is only one element of that and, for the life of me, I can't see anything wrong with it. Would you rather be miserable, would society prefer you to be miserable? Stand here." She went into the en suite and came out with a towel which applied all over his body before hooking the towel on his hard-on and crawling onto the bed, kneeling and waiting for him.

He kneeled on the bed beside her and toweled her off then pushed her down and lay beside her. "All I'm saying is this is going to be difficult. People are going to talk and there will be consequences, surely, you must know that."

"And if you were a Norwegian fisherman, would I be telling everyone how much I enjoyed having you in my bed, how much I enjoyed fucking you?" She could see he understood her, "No, well I'm not going to be bragging about how good our sex life is, either."