Valerie

"What's the matter sweetheart?" I asked with a parents' concern.

"I miss my mommy," she said tearfully.

"Oh sweetheart, she'll be here in few hours," I said with compassion and picked her up.

Cassidy put her arms around my neck and cried softly on my shoulder. I carried her to my bedroom and sat in an old oak rocker that I used on many a night to soothe Alana. As I cradled her in my arms, I remembered the song that my sister Deidre would softly sing to me when I woke from a bad dream.

"You are my sunshine My only sunshine. You make me happy When skies are gray. You'll never know, dear, How much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away"

As I gently rocked Cassidy, I trilled the lyrics. It was the only stanza I could remember and I repeated it slowly over and over. Gradually, she calmed down and a peaceful sleep overtook her. I looked down at her nestled in my arms and smiled when I saw how closely she resembled Valerie.

"You're gonna be real heartbreaker when you grow up; just like your mother," I thought admiringly.

When I heard the back door open, I realized that I had fallen asleep in the rocker holding Cassidy. Valerie's head appeared in the doorway and she smiled affectionately.

"Any trouble?" she asked in loud whisper.

"No, she missed you," I answered and gave the slumbering child to her.

"Thank you," she said with gratitude.

"You look tired, stay the night," I invited in a very quiet voice.

Valerie looked at me curiously but nodded her head in acceptance. After she left Cassidy in Alana's room, she sat wearily in the easy chair. I made us both a cup of herbal tea and without realizing it, was humming the song that I sang to Cassidy.

"That sounds very familiar," she said curiously.

Quietly, I sang the verse I knew and ended with tears in my eyes.

"Sorry, but it reminds me of my sister Deidre," I said reaching for a tissue.

Valerie covered my hand with hers in sympathy and the warmth that it imparted seemed to reach every part of my body.

In spite of our different schedules, we had a genuine friendship and were constantly in contact with each other. We exchanged frequent emails and I found it an easier way to communicate.

Every time I saw Valerie, my attraction seemed to grow a little stronger. I thought about her a lot and would wonder what she was doing.

When we were with the children, we had fun and laughter would fill the air. Sometimes, I caught Valerie looking at me and while it surprised me, I was thrilled that she showed an interest in me.

We shared parenting tips. Our daughters were required to carry an inhaler and knowing the problems that might arise with one of them, was a relief if one our kids visited the other.

On the weekends when Alana was at her dad's, I started hanging out with Valerie on Sunday's. We went to brunch, the museums, shopped for our kids or her favorite, Atlantic City. She loved to play the slots but only the nickel machines.

"I work too hard for my money to throw it away," was her motto.

Over time, I recognized that Valerie possessed a real sweetness underneath her mildly tough exterior. She had been deeply hurt sometime during her life; I sensed it without being conscious of what the circumstances were.

Once I got past that defense mechanism, I discerned that she had a good heart, a tender heart, a loving heart.

I saw an individual who spoke her mind and was nobody's fool. But, Valerie was also a caring, compassionate, kind, thoughtful and gentle person. When I looked at her pretty smiling face, I was grateful that she was my friend.

But, Valerie had a quick temper and I saw flashes of it on occasion. I guess it went hand in hand with her stubbornness and I shied away from anything that might set her off.

There were feelings growing inside me that baffled me. Some of them I had no point of reference for because I had never experienced anything like them. There was one constant that I was certain of; I wanted to be in her company as much as possible.

When the heat of summer arrived, the girls were clambering to go to the beach. The very thought of seeing Valerie in a swim suit or bikini had my loins buzzing like a bumblebee in flight.

My Lexus was packed with all the necessities as we sped toward the Jersey shore on the Atlantic City Expressway. Cassidy was teaching Alana a Beach Boys song and in no time we were all singing "Surfing USA."

Valerie was wearing a cute T shirt and shorts over her bathing suit.

"Girl's got great legs," I murmured admiringly.

However, I noticed that whenever we were with our daughters, Valerie dressed conservatively and when it was just the two of us more provocatively.

The first order of business when we arrived was applying sunscreen to the very pale skin of our daughters. We planted our chairs and umbrella close to the water and watched the kids play and splash in the surf.

Valerie's one piece fit her like a glove and my imagination ran wild picturing her in a bikini.

In mid afternoon, we went for a walk along the shoreline because the girls wanted to look for shells. Valerie put on a baseball cap to shield her face from the sun and she looked like a model from the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated.

Valerie was getting a lot of stares but she was either oblivious or just plain ignored them.

"With your body, I'd wear a bikini," I said as a compliment.

Valerie looked contemplative for a minute.

"I don't like to draw attention to myself when I'm with Cassidy," she said moodily.

"But Valerie, you're very pretty and people are going to look at you," I stated knowingly.

Valerie stopped walking and stared at me for a moment.

"Are you trying to butter me up?" she asked with a broad grin.

"No, I'm just stating a fact..." I answered weakly.

"I want to know what you think?" she asked demandingly and really put me on the spot.

"I...ah...think...yeah, you're very pretty..." I mumbled, afraid to look at her.

Valerie put her arm around my waist and gazed at me with a wide, happy grin.

"Thanks, you're a dear friend," she said contentedly.

We were walking to the beach chairs when Cassidy ran toward her mother.

"Mommy, I have to go...to the bathroom," she said with an urgent face.

The poor child was cross legged and holding herself.

"Go in the ocean, sweetie," Valerie suggested kindly.

"I can't mommy, I tried too..." Cassidy said tremulously.

"Ok, my precious girl," Valerie said with compassion and scooped up her daughter.

As Valerie walked to the rest room, cradling her daughter, she smiled and kissed Cassidy's adorable face happily. I couldn't hear them but it was obvious that Cassidy was giggling as her mother spoke with an exaggerated expression.

The tenderness and love between Valerie and her daughter had tears flowing down my face. When they returned my eyes were still leaking.

"Hey, are you crying?" Valerie asked perplexed.

"Oh, not really," I answered lamely.

"You could've fooled me," she stated and handed me a tissue.

My tears needed an explanation and honesty was the best policy.

"When I saw you holding Cassidy and the...bond you have..." I blubbered.

It was as though time stood still as Valerie looked at me with affection.

"You're the same way with Alana," she stated with moisture in her blue eyes.

Just then the girls ran under the umbrella giggling and smiling.

"We're hungry," they broadcast simultaneously.

At the amusement pier, Cassidy and Alana went on ride after ride as Valerie and I smiled and waved with enthusiasm. While the girls were on the "Wild Mouse" I was feeling introspective.

"Did you ever wake up one day and think, 'how did I get here?' and I mean really ponder why," I asked in a subdued tone.

"Yeah, a few too many times," she answered with resignation.

"But, when I look at Alana's and Cassidy's dear sweet faces, it all makes sense to me," I said wistfully and waved at the passing girls for the umpteenth time.

"Why Kate, you're getting all philosophical on me. But, yes, I know exactly what you mean; it gives me a sense of purpose," she related with melancholy.

We stood silently until the girls exited the ride and broad smiles returned to our faces. A bucket of warm Johnson's caramel corn and Kohr Bros. ice cream cones rounded out our evening.

Two very tired little girls fell asleep against each other as we sat on a bench facing the ocean. It was time to leave. When I got in the drivers seat, a huge yawn escaped my mouth.

"Kate, let me drive, I'm wide awake," she offered sincerely.

As I sat in the passenger seat, I gazed with wonder at Valerie, illuminated in the glow from the street lights.

Our relationship turned a sharp corner one weekend when Alana was at her dad's and Cassidy at her grandfathers'. It was a cool and rainy afternoon and I prepared an early supper of salmon and salad.

"You like to cook," Valerie said with a smile.

"Yeah, but don't ask me why because I didn't learn it at home," I admitted soberly.

We sat at the kitchen table and ate in uncharacteristic silence. Valerie seemed preoccupied and had a solemn look on her face.

"A penny for your thoughts?" I asked quietly trying to break the ice.

"I was just thinking about a close relative," she said solemnly.

Valerie rarely talked about her family and I knew very little about her. I kept quiet because I knew if she didn't want to talk about it; no amount of coaxing on my part would persuade her. She had that stubborn streak but then; so did I.

"Kate; is your mom still alive?" she asked inquisitively.

"Yeah, she lives in Ardmore," I replied in an even voice.

"Do you see her much?" she asked with a kind of pained look.

"Not really, mostly at holidays," I answered truthfully.

"Today's my mom's birthday," she stated sadly.

"Oh; will you see her later today?" I inquired.

"Nah, she died when I was sixteen," she replied sorrowfully.

"Oh Valerie, I'm so sorry," I said with genuine feeling and touched my hand to hers.

"You know Kate, I can't help but think how different my life might have been if she had lived," she spoke softly.

"In what way?" I asked with my curiosity practically killing me.

Valerie sighed very deeply.

"I wasn't very close to my mom but I loved her. Actually, I'm closer to my father and brother and I want you to meet them someday, she said firmly.

I acknowledged her request with a nod of my head.

"Before my mom died, I was living the typical suburban life. I was a good student in school and my grades were excellent. Because I was considered a talented gymnast, I had a shot at a college scholarship.

I had plans to attend college and get a degree in sports medicine. But, that all ended when a truck ran a red light and plowed into the side of my mother's car. She died on the way to the hospital from massive internal injuries," she said with sorrow.

I gazed into her wet eyes and for the first time saw a vulnerability that moved me.

"Turns out the bastard driving the truck was under the influence when he hit her and was three times over the legal limit. The rotten son of a bitch got six years for vehicular manslaughter. Six lousy years; with good behavior he would be paroled in three.

My entire life was turned upside down. I was incapable of handling the grief and I got very angry. In the span of a few weeks, I became one of the most rebellious teenagers on the planet," she uttered with deep regret.

I took Valerie's hands in mine and held them.

My dad and brother tried to help me cope with her death. We attended grief counseling sessions and group therapy sessions but I had gone off the deep end. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd and dabbled in drugs, mostly pot and coke.

They couldn't leave any money lying around because I would take it and buy coke. I was kicked off the gymnastics team for missing too many practice sessions. My grades dropped and so did my chances for attending a decent college but I managed to graduate high school," she said in a remorseful voice.

The pain and hurt in Valerie's face made my heart reach out to her.

"I refused to get a job and was a total party animal. I used my room at home as a crash pad and avoided my dad and brother. When I look back, I don't know how they put up with my nonsense.

I was a complete societal misfit and I was damn lucky I never got arrested for possession. This went on until my twentieth birthday. During a party at my friend Angie's house, I got so wasted that I was literally like a rag doll.

I had a thing for Angie but she was with her boyfriend Carmen. Anyway, the three of us wind up in her bedroom and the deal was if I wanted to do Angie, I had to do her boyfriend.

I figured what the hell, why not. When I finished with Angie, he screwed me but I was so high from the drugs and booze that I don't remember feeling anything. It was the first and last time I fucked a guy," she pronounced with self contempt.

Valerie could see the shock registered on my face but she kept on going.

"It took a few days but when the haze in my head finally cleared, I remembered what happened. My first inclination was to go and kill Carmen and Angie but instead I bought a pregnancy test and I think you know what the result was.

My family is Roman Catholic and in spite of the fact I hadn't been inside a church in years, I knew in my heart I would never get an abortion.

I was twenty years old, pregnant, no job and practically homeless. I swore off all drugs and alcohol; totally cleaned up my act. I talked to my father, hoping he wouldn't kick my worthless ass out in the street.

Both my dad and brother were very supportive. I managed to stay out of trouble and when Cassidy was born, I had some very tough decisions to make.

I wanted absolutely nothing to do with the Carmen, Cassidy's father. But, I needn't have worried because when she was one year old, the stupid bastard got himself killed for non payment of a sizable drug debt. I know it sounds pretty callous but...

My friend Tasha helped me find work as a dancer and I rented an apartment near my dad's. Both he and my brother babysat Cassidy when I worked and still do," she articulated poignantly.

I was visibly moved by her story and tears flowed down my cheeks.

"Kate, I think of you as one of my dearest friends. I've trusted you with the welfare of my daughter and on every occasion you've treated her like one of your own. She's my most precious possession and I'm very grateful to you," she stated expressively.

"Thank you," I mumbled with in a crying voice.

Abruptly, I thought back to what she said about her friend Angie and I'm sure I had a bewildered look on my face.

"You mentioned having a thing for your friend Angie and doing her. You mean you had sex with her?" I asked like a total numbskull.

"Well yeah, what did you think I meant?" she asked in a slightly raised voice.

I must have had a totally befuddled look on my face.

"Kate, I'm gay. I prefer women," she stated with some annoyance.

Until that very moment I had absolutely no clue as to Valerie's sexual orientation.

"But, you...don't...look like..." I faltered.

"Because, I don't look butch?" she asked with an elevated tone.

"Ah...yeah...I guess so," I stuttered nervously.

"Not all lesbians are butch; are you that naïve?" she asked with more anger.

"Please don't yell at me," I pleaded with a quivering lower lip.

Valerie's face softened and she looked at me with curiosity.

"You were really clueless about this, weren't you?" she expressed with sympathy.

"Yeah, I...had no idea...but it makes no difference to me. You said I was your one of your dearest friends but I think of you...as...my best friend. I don't want that to change," I implored in a blubbering voice and the tears tumbled down my cheeks.

Valerie's gazed at me with understanding.

"If this doesn't beat all hell, you are something special after all. I was hoping...I guess that makes me naïve too," she said humbly.

I knew right then and there that I wanted to be more than just friends with Valerie. A powerful urge, a sexual urge was manifesting itself for the first time.

That same night, I tossed and turned in bed as thoughts about her had reached the, "I wonder what she looks like naked," boiling point in my head.

I got so damned aroused that I fingered myself with fantasies of Valerie's unclothed body running rampant in my head. That was a first for me but instead of feeling some self loathing, I instinctively knew that the strange feelings and emotions taking precedence in my heart were real.

Then, it all started to gel in my head, the affectionate glances between us, the contentment and joy of her company, the strong feelings that resounded throughout my body. I shuddered with fear as I realized that I was romantically interested.

Valerie's revelation drew us closer together and although I didn't realize it at the time, love was blossoming. It was as though an invisible barrier had dropped between us and I longed to see her, to talk to her, hear her speak and gaze into her eyes.

Sometimes, I emailed more than was necessary but seeing her words on the computer lifted my spirits. I was falling in love for the first time. By late spring, my compelling physical desire for Valerie required frequent masturbation.

In the early evening one Saturday night, I was paying some bills and reviewing some personal paper work when I ran across a slip of paper with Valerie's name, cell phone and work phone on it.

Although, those numbers were already committed to my cell phone memory, seeing them written on paper was arousing my curiosity.

In all that time, Valerie never mentioned where she worked only that it was second shift and she was a dancer. I stared at the phone number written on the note and my curiosity was killing me.

"Leave well enough alone," my brain scolded with wisdom.

I could have easily called the number and hung up but since I was seated before my computer, I did a cross reference search on line and a place name came up that surprised me.

"Diamond Jim's Gentlemen's Club," I whispered to myself and remembered overhearing some of my male colleagues at the bank talk about it.

"Oh my god, it's a strip club," I said out loud.

But, in the back of my mind, I'd had my suspicions when Valerie told me she was a dancer. She rented a very nice condo, wore stylish clothes, paid cash for everything, I could think of dozens more examples.

In our fair city, the only place that you would find women dancing in the evenings was at the establishments that catered to men. I was dying to see Valerie nude or at least semi nude. The most unclothed I could recall was last summer when she wore cute little tops, shorts and a one piece bathing suit that showed off her awesome body.

Something overwhelming, a compulsion, a desperate need to satisfy my curiosity took hold of me. I wanted to see her dance and if my speculation was correct, she'd be scantily clad.

Before I was even aware of my actions, I was driving downtown toward the waterfront in the direction of the Diamond Jim's. It was a brightly lit place with neon signs amid old warehouses and factories.

The parking lot was full and I waited scrunched down in my seat until I saw someone pull out of a space. I stopped in front of the entrance door plastered with signs that listed the rules for patrons.

"Scuse me but are you in line," a male voice asked me from behind.

I must have jumped ten feet.

"Er...no," I said weakly and stepped out of his way.

When he opened the door, I saw a very large and muscular young man behind a small counter taking the cover charge fee of ten dollars.