Waiting and Watching

She stares intently at the screen, scrutinizing the data displayed before her. A few keystrokes, jotted down notes of changes made, and those that would need to be made. She looks from the screen to the stack of papers on her desk and thumbs quickly through the many pages. Scribbling some words along the margins to pass along to coworkers. She reaches one hand absent mindedly out to her cup of coffee and takes a slow drink before returning to her pressing work. After a couple of hours she takes a break from her all consuming work to stare off a million miles away lost within her thoughts.

It are those thoughts that captivate me most. I watch and wonder if that smile that plays at the corners of her mouth are from memories of last night or from days long past or perhaps of her future. She takes a deep breath sort of a wake up from the thoughts or sweet memories and returns to the vast amount of work waiting for her input and analysis. I think she is a bit too dedicated but that is just me. I too return to my work and try to focus on my own tasks and not on her lest I displease my boss.

As the end of the day approaches I once again find myself watching her and waiting, looking for that delicate smile or a twinkling of her eyes as recognition. The smile on her face as she leaves masks a slight headache and sadness. No, not sadness, perhaps maybe missing something that she doesn't yet realize. I finish my own work and change over to go home and hope to see her again later that night. During my drive home, I replay the days events, some good some bad. Making mental notes of the things I would need to do the next day, or changes that would benefit incorporating into the company for time management and worker safety. Eventually my thoughts are drawn back to her. Those thoughts bring a smile to my own face. As the music plays in the background I recall times past, of how she held herself, how she spoke and the way her mind worked.

Once at home, I rush through my daily chores so that when she is ready I would be as well. I see her as she steps through the door, dropping her keys and other personal things on the counter, to greet him with a smile, exhausted but filled with love. He approaches her and gives her a warm hug and kiss on the lips telling her that he is glad she is home. They talk about their respective work days and plans for the evening and futures as they prepare and eat dinner together. They are comfortable with one another no awkward silences, each moment together is bliss. I can see in their eyes the love, the admiration, and most importantly, I can see how each looks at the other.

I watch and wait, wondering now as she sits watching a movie with him and she again stares off lost in her thoughts what they are. I trace the delicate line of her cheek as time seems to stand still. Closing my eyes I lose myself to my own imagination of how soft and warm her skin is to the touch. I think back over my life and dream for just a moment of a life with someone that loves me as deeply as I love them. She returns to the present and snuggles in closer to him. He whispers into her ear he loves her, and hugs her just a bit closer to his heart. Is it envy or anger that fills me when I seem them that way? Both, envy for what I want and anger because I don't have it. Soon after the movie ends they head off to bed and I can no longer stand to watch, stopping my day dreams of her.

She lives worlds apart from me but still I am drawn to her intelligence, her compassion, her spirit, and her zest for living. I slip into bed and slowly drift off to sleep so I can dream of her once again from the start. Those dreams are fueled and filled with love and desire that will come in the future of that I'm sure. Waiting and watching her, I realize that I'm really waiting and watching my own desires and lusts for life. There is no future that cannot be changed or influenced by the past or the present. I find that she is my biggest supporter, and my greatest asset. She is a gift, she is so much more than words could ever do justice, but there are no words to describe her other than she is a friend.