We Could Make a Better Porn Movie

"We could make a better porn movie than that, couldn't we girls?!" Adele said to her friends Holly and Paige. "How can these men even stand to watch garbage like that?! It's horrible!"

"Adele is right," Paige agreed. "The lighting is bad, the sound goes in and out, and the cameraman can't even hold the camera steady. Talk about your poor production values!"

"And, the acting!" Holly added. "Those people can't act! I realize they don't have any meaningful dialog or a decent a plot to work with, but they still can't act. Just listen to the awful sounds that bleach-blonde is making. Have you ever head anything as phony as that?!"

The women were members of an amateur theater group and knew something about lighting, sound, writing, and acting. But you didn't need to be an expert to recognize just how bad that porn movie really was!

"There's supposed to be a plot?" Drew asked innocently.

"And what do you mean, 'those people can't act'?" Bill piped up. "I think that blonde has some real acting ability."

"Sure she does, if you call her big, fake boobs 'acting ability'!" Holly snickered.

Holly, Bill's wife, was not only an amateur actress, but had actually written one of the theater group's more successful plays. She was a pretty, blue-eyed, thirty-something woman, who usually wore her light-brown hair straight and long, like a schoolgirl. Holly was the quiet one of the three women, but she could become quite animated and talkative if something caught her interest.

"So, Lance, why are you watching this trash with these two old married men?" Adele asked me. "I mean, I know why they're watching it! But don't you get enough of that kind of action from your hot little girlfriends?"

Adele, Drew's wife, had a leading role in most of the theater group's productions. She was an attractive, pleasingly curvaceous, thirty-something woman. With her dark hair and eyes, Adele had that classic 'girl next door' look. She was outgoing and bubbly, and she was always a lot of fun to be around.

"Oh, I'd really like to get some of THAT kind of action!" I replied, nodding towards the screen. "Maybe I need to.... Oh, never mind."

"I think you're right, Adele," Holly said slowly. "We girls could make a better porn movie than that!"

"That's true," Paige piped up. "Holly could write the script, and I could direct and edit."

Paige was Adele and Holly's divorced, unattached, forty-something friend. She was a confident, take charge woman, and she had directed a good many of the theater group's plays. Paige was the serious, focused one of the group, but she had a playful side. Everyone liked to tease her about her 'Alfred Hitchcock complex', because Paige liked to give herself small walk-on parts, or cameo appearances, in all of the plays she directed. She was a tall, attractive, strawberry-blonde who, in real life, worked as a mid-level manager at a large high-tech company.

"And what about me?" Adele asked playfully. "Am I'm supposed to be 'the actress'?!"

"Well..." Holly laughed. "I suppose we would all have to take our turns acting. For the sake of the movie, of course!"

"Yes, we would all have to make that sacrifice, for the sake of the movie, of course," Paige said facetiously. "But there's nothing that I, personally, wouldn't do for the sake of art!"

"Well, let us know when you're ready to shoot your movie, ladies," Drew said, after we all howled with laughter. "You know I'm always UP for doing my part in your productions!"

"As am I!" Bill added.

"I've never acted before, but I've always had a keen interest in the performing arts," I chimed in. "I'd be more than willing to audition for a part in your movie, if you need any more actors!"

"Come on girls. Let's go back upstairs. Let's let these... these men finish watching their awful movie. They obviously refuse to take us women seriously," Adele laughed.

So, Drew, Bill, and I finished watching that really bad porn movie in Adele and Drew's basement. After all, we had to find something to do after our Sunday afternoon softball game was rained out.

Drew, Bill, and I all worked for the same company and played softball together on the company's team. That's why I was hanging out with the two older, thirty-something, married guys in the first place.

After the movie, we found Adele, Holly, and Paige upstairs talking and drinking coffee at the kitchen table. "Adele thinks you're a good photographer, Lance," Paige said. "Are you interested in being our main cameraman?"

I had always been the cameraman during my family's many outings, especially those involving my numerous young nieces' and nephews' birthday parties, dance recitals, and a seemly endless stream of pee wee sporting events. That's how I had first learned to use a camcorder. Anyway, I had shown Adele how to operate her new, professional-quality camcorder and the best ways to use it to occasionally record the action at our Sunday afternoon softball games. She must have been more impressed than I had realized.

"Of course!" I laughed. "But I really have my heart set on an acting role. You don't even have to give me any lines or anything."

"Yeah! I know what kind of role you're interested in, Lance!" Drew snorted.

"Yeah, a roll in the hay!" Bill chimed in.

"Yeah, we all know what you'd like to do with your 'lance', Lance!" Drew added.

After a few more jokes and wisecracks about the women's 'movie project', I went home and forgot all about it. But, as I learned a couple of weeks later, the three women had been serious.

I spotted the small camcorder positioned and running in the corner of Adele and Drew's kitchen, when we men walked in after our softball game.

"So, what's that all about?" I inquired, nodding towards the camcorder.

"Oh, we've started making our movie, Lance," Adele smiled impishly.

"Oh, really?" I said, suddenly remembering the joke from a couple of weeks earlier. "You're making your movie right here in the kitchen?"

"No, not all of it, silly!" Holly laughed.

"No, not all of it," Paige agreed, peering up over the top of her half-frame reading glasses. "We've decided to document the entire movie making process, not just shoot a bunch of staged scenes. Then, we'll edit the final movie like a documentary, including not only the staged scenes, but the POV's of everyone in the movie, as well."

"POV's?" I questioned.

"Points-of-view," Paige answered patiently. "And no, it doesn't mean we're going to have the actors hold and focus the cameras on their co-staring actresses like they do in those really cheap porn flicks. It means we're going to document all of the thoughts, or points-of-view, of everyone involved in making our movie as we go along. We want our movie to be special, not just a series of thrown together porn loops."

"That's right," Adele agreed, "we want our movie to be special. We want it to be something we'll enjoy making and watching with our husbands, not just your typical, everyday variety 'guy porn'."

"Oh," was all I could think to say.

"So, Lance, are you going to be our main cameraman?" Paige asked.

"You're kidding?!" I said in disbelief.

"No, we're not kidding," piped up Adele. "You're good with a camera, and we know you'll keep your mouth shut."

"That's right," Holly agreed. "None of us have ever heard you talk about anything you do, or don't do, with your girlfriends. And we certainly don't need anyone else knowing about our private little porn movie, now do we?"

"Private little...?" I trailed off.

"Yes, private," Adele said firmly. "Come on now, Lance, you don't think we're going to sell it, or post it on the Internet, or something, do you?"

"No, of course not," I muttered.

"That's right," Holly added. "We're making this movie strictly for our own private enjoyment, aren't we everyone?"

"That's right," Adele, Paige, Bill, and Drew all chimed in.

"That's good!" I said. "After all, you wouldn't want the whole world to..."

"Well, are you going to be our main cameraman, or not?" Paige interrupted.

"What?! Look, guys, I'm flattered! I really am!" I said in shock. "But... but what am I supposed to do while all of you are.... I mean..." "Don't worry, Lance, we've thought of that," Paige said sweetly. She took off her half-frame reading glasses, smiled up at me, and continued, "The two of us will do a scene together, after we've finished filming the two married couples' scenes."

"Scene together...?" I mumbled stupidly.

"Yes, dear, the two of us will do a scene together," Paige repeated patiently. "You do know what kind of movie we're making here, don't you, dear?"

"Well..." I choked, while everyone else in the room roared with laughter.

"He is a good cameraman," Adele interjected. "But you may want to audition him on the casting couch before you use him as your leading man, Paige. Just to see if he's actually UP to acting with you in your big scene, of course!"

"Wha...what...?!" I stuttered, as everyone roared with laughter again.

Finally, the jokes stopped and everyone calmed down. I stood there red-faced, still not knowing what to say.

"Listen, Lance, you've been invited to join us at the girl's insistence. Paige's insistence, more than anyone else, actually. She's your main sponsor," Drew said seriously.

"That's right," Bill added. "Drew and I aren't entirely comfortable with you being involved in this. It's nothing personal, of course.... It's just that he and I have already seen each other's wives topless, and nude, when we've vacationed together in the Caribbean, and..."

"And, none of us are entirely comfortable with anyone but our spouses being involved in this," Adele interrupted.

"That's right," Holly chimed in. "This is a little uncomfortable for all of us, but that's one of the reasons it's so exciting, isn't it? Anyway, Paige needs a partner, if she's going to fully participate in this movie, and I'm not volunteering you to work with her in her scene, my dear husband."

"Fully participate in this movie?! Work with her in her scene?!" I thought."Now, those are some interesting euphemisms!"

"And I'm not volunteering you either, Drew," Adele added.

"Is everyone finished?" Paige asked authoritatively. "Has everyone said what they needed to say?"

After the mumbles of assent, head nods, and silence that followed, Paige said, "Good."

Walking up to me, Paige looking me straight in the eye, and said, "So, Lance, are you in, or out?"

"What the hell," I thought. "I'm not in any kind of a committed relationship. Why not do it?"

"I'm in," I answered.

Paige smiled knowingly, and everyone else chimed in their own versions of "I knew he would do it!"

When things had quieted down again, Paige continued, "Good. We're glad to have you working with us on our movie. Now, everybody, let's get back to planning this production. And, come to think of it, now may be a good time to film why we're all doing this in the first place. We can use the footage as the prologue to the movie."

Turning to me, Paige said, "Lance, would you take the camera and record this, please?"

"Sure," I said, retrieving the small camcorder from the corner of the kitchen counter.

"Move in close and take 'talking head shots', dear," Paige continued.

"All right," I said, moving closer to the group.

"Are you ready?" Paige asked, as I focused the camera.

"Yes, I'm ready," I answered.

"All right then, I'll go first," Paige said.

I focused the camera on Paige's head and shoulders, and she continued, "I've often thought I would be a good movie director, and this is an opportunity to see if I can actually do it. My ex-husband wanted me to do this with him, but I was too uptight, back then, to go along with him. But, now that I'm single again, making this movie gives me the chance to shed some old inhibitions, and it gives me a great excuse to have some hot, sweaty sex with a handsome, muscular young stud. And, of course, I'm doing it all for the sake of art!"

Everyone howled with laughter, and Paige tossed her head, smiled, and licked her lips seductively for the camera.

"I'm looking forward to that hot sweaty sex," I thought, as I continued filming.

Having broken through all of the nervous tension in the room, Paige continued, "And now, Adele and Drew, why don't you two tell us why you want to make this movie?"

I focused my lens on the couple. Adele and Drew looked sheepishly at each other and started to laugh. "Well," Drew hesitantly started, "Adele and I have tried this before, but..."

"Yes, we have," Adele interrupted. "The sex was good, but the movie wasn't."

"That's true," Drew laughed. "It was fun, but the camera's focus was off, the lighting was bad, and..."

"And we realized that someone else would have to film us, if we were going to have a quality movie made of us... made of us making love," Adele finished.

"It was the same with us!" Holly piped up.

I moved back to get the entire group into focus, and Bill added, "That's right. Holly and I had a good time making our own private little porn movie, but the quality was really bad."

Everyone laughed with relief, and Paige said to the camera, "So, there you have it. Oh, except for our cameraman, of course." Turning to Adele, she continued, "Why don't you take the camera from Lance for a moment? We need to get him on film too."

Adele got up, took the camera, and focused it on me.

"So what about you, Lance?" Paige asked. "Why are you making this movie? I mean, besides the chance to see three absolutely gorgeous women buck-naked and have sex with a hot, sexy, older woman?"

Everyone laughed, and I smiled broadly and answered, "I think that pretty much sums it up, Paige!"

Everyone roared with laughter again, and Adele placed the camera back on the counter.

A little later, when Paige was alone, I walked up to her and said, "Thanks, Paige. I really appreciate..."

"Yes, dear, I know," she interrupted, glancing over the top of her half-frame reading glasses. "Just save your enthusiasm for our big scene together, O.K.?"

"Could she really just be doing this for the sake of art?!" I thought."My gawd, she's a cool one!"

And so, that's how I became a private porn movie cameraman and actor.

I was busy at work, the following week, and didn't have time to talk to Drew or Bill. But it's not like we would have risked talking about making a porn movie where our coworkers might have overheard us, anyway. And while I was excited about making the movie, I never really expected the others to actually go through with it."Still, I've always had a thing for older women. And who knows, I might be able to get together with Paige, sometime, now that I know she's open to the possibility," I consoled myself.

The following Saturday, to my continued surprise, everyone in our little 'production company' gathered at Adele and Drew's house to build the set, work on the script, and do all of the other things we needed to do to make our little movie.

"Come on in, Lance," Adele said, greeting me cheerfully at the door. Turning towards the kitchen, she called out, "Our main cameraman is here, girls!"

Holly and Paige looked from the kitchen table just long enough to say, "Hello, Lance." Turning her attention back to the movie script, Adele said, "The guys are working on the set in the basement. Help yourself to some coffee before you go down to join them."

I poured myself some coffee, and Paige piped up, "By the way, Lance, we have two professional-quality camcorders available to make our movie. But it's not going to be practical to have two cameramen filming at the same time. They would just get in each other's way on our little set. So, we're thinking about placing one of the cameras in a fixed position, somewhere above the set, and having you move around the set with the other professional-quality camera. What do you think?"

"Sounds like a good idea, Paige," I mumbled, surprised she had even bothered to ask for my opinion, as I retreated towards the basement.

"If the women are having second thoughts about making this movie, they certainly don't show it!" I thought.

"Good morning, Lance," Drew and Bill said, almost simultaneously, as I walked down the basement stairs.

"So, what do you think of our set?" Drew said, a big smile on his face.

"Good morning, guys. The set looks fine to me," I said.

All three of us started to laugh as we looked at the well-lit bed. When we calmed down, I said, "I can't believe the women are actually going to go through with this!"

"Neither can we," Bill admitted. "But, what the hell, if they really want to do this..."

"Then why not enjoy it!" Drew finished.

The three of us laughed again, for a long time. After finally getting it out of our systems, we settled down and went to work on our movie set.

Our set consisted of a sturdy, king-size, platform bed, and some other furniture, arranged in the basement to look like an ordinary bedroom. We wanted the exclusive quiet and privacy of the basement, and we didn't have enough lights, microphones, or space, to put together more than one set, anyway. To deal with the inevitable 'housekeeping' issues, we planned on having enough clean sheets, and a mountain of fresh pillows, on hand to change the linen between scenes.

We carefully positioned one of our two professional-quality camcorders a little off-center and above the foot of the bed. This fixed camera would record the high-angle shots of the faces and bodies of the 'actors and actresses'. We focused the lens to take in most of the bed, but still allow me to move in close with the portable camcorder without being caught in it's field of view. Adele, or Paige, could operate the fixed camera's remote controller and turn it on and off between scenes. We also wired a remote microphone into the fixed camcorder and hid it in the bed's headboard. The remote microphone would clearly pick up the voices of the performers that my portable camera might miss.

My job, as main cameraman, would be to move around the bed, as unobtrusively as possible, recording more of the physical action from other angles. We placed the bed well away from the basement's walls, so I could walk completely around it with my portable unit. The bed was well illuminated, with a high-key lighting setup, while the rest of the basement was going to be left almost completely dark. In the end, we were fairly confident I would be able to record all of the action without being too much of a disturbance to the 'actors and actresses'.

"Speaking of disturbances," Bill said, "what are we going to do if you have some unexpected visitors come to your house while we're shooting our movie, Drew?"

"Good question," Drew laughed. "I guess we'll have to lock my van in the garage and tell everyone we're all going up to the lake for the day. That, and lock all the doors, pull down all the shades, and not answer the doorbell!"

"Sounds like a plan!" Bill and I agreed.

Paige joined us, a little later, and lectured, "We want to make a really good, high-quality, couples-type erotic movie, not just a series of raunchy, unrelated, in-and-out, in-and-out porn loops."

She looked every inch the seasoned director, walking purposefully around the set with her clipboard and her half-frame reading glasses perched on the end of her pretty nose. Paige was also a very attractive director, strutting around in her skintight jeans and wedge-heeled sandals. Her tight, black, sleeveless top really showed off her slender figure and accented Paige's firm looking breasts that day.

Paige said, "I want to keep the extreme close-up shots of everyone's genitalia to a minimum, Lance. I don't want you just standing there at the foot of the bed like a gynecologist's assistant recording an examination. And I don't want you waiting around for a typical porn movie 'money shot', either. There won't be any of those in this movie, anyway." She continued, "I want you to capture the more subtle low-angle shots of the couples. And I want you to look over at me, every so often, while you're filming. I'll be giving you some hand signals to direct you towards exactly what I want you to shoot."