What Goes Around

I had thought that I could turn things around and end up back at home with my husband...and in that I also found out that the man I had married did indeed have a strong backbone, and he withstood all my grandstanding.

Looking back I can clearly see that I really messed up. I had the perfect husband, one that almost any woman could and would kill to have...and I had tossed him out into the world of available women all so I could have a little excitement on the side.

That was Sam all over by the way...he was 'excitement' for me. When we did it I had that naughty feeling of pulling something over on Jim. Had I been thinking right, I would have never done that. I got bored, then acted out in a way that was self-destructive. Self destructive as a drug habit or becoming an alcoholic, or any number of other things people will do to themselves.

If I had a chance to do it all over again...never in a billion years would I have cheated on Jim. Had I realized how hurt and angry I would have made him I'd have cut my wrists before cheating on him. Hindsight...you know what they say about that...20 -- 20 and all that. I've been a terrible stupid fool.

I spent several weeks thinking about what I had done and how I had ended up like I did...I can't put my finger on when I exactly decided that it would be okay to sleep around on Jim like I did. I can't tell you why I would do something so dumb. I can't even claim a blonde moment since I'm a redhead.

I wish that I could take it all back. Now I'm alone and having to figure out what my next step in life will be. I'm young enough to start over...but I really don't want to do that. I want Jim back and I want my life back...the life I had before I slept around on Jim and ruined his respect for me.

Was it worth it? HELL NO. In no way is what I'm going through worth all the supposed 'fun' I was having. I sometimes think that knowing what I did, no man will ever have me as 'wife' material again. They may jump my bones, but the good wife part of my life is probably over with forever. I screwed that up and it's public knowledge that I didn't have my priorities in life right.

I don't have any answers for you about why I did what I did. I know that I hurt badly now...that I sleep alone every night, that I hurt my husband, the man that I do...I really do love the most in my life, beyond any hope of recovery. Like water under the bridge...I can never return to that life except in my memories.

I've already turned down several dates and coffee offers from men who would like to get to know me. I want nothing to do with any man...with one lone exception, and I drove him away from me. You'd think that a smart woman like me could differentiate between being a good wife and being a cheap whore.

No, before you say it...I never slept with anyone else but Sam...and Jim. Never was tempted. Sam and I met under weird circumstances and we started up after having known each other for several years. It just...well, believe it or not, it just happened. Neither of us planned to fall into bed yet once we did it became like a drug.

Our meets were filled with the hints of danger and the excitement of the illicit sex we had. Each time seemed better than the one before, right up until I was hit with the knowledge that Jim had found me out. Then a black hole spread out around me and engulfed me, sucking me into the depths of that light-less dark that nothing escapes.

My sex drive, that once had been quite hot...well, now it's cold as ice. I haven't had an urge for sex ever since Jim found me out. Well, that's not true. I have wanted one man...that one man I chased away. My sister won't be around me much at all anymore, my mom and dad are furious with me; daddy won't even talk to me yet.

The worst thing is my sister. I could see her working on Jim, trying to capture him in her grip. She would be a better woman for him, I'll admit that. Susan has always been the type of woman that will keep her man interested in her and too busy with her for either of them to stray.

She is also a one relationship at a time type of woman too. Even way back when in high school, she'd break it off with one boy for a long while before she'd take up with another. I always never understood her that way, but now I can see that I was blind even back then to being the right kind of woman for a man.

Don't get me wrong, I love my sister and if she did catch Jim, I'd be happy for her. Yes, happy. Even while I would be in deep pain at losing my husband to her. Someone that I had all to myself, and I failed him totally.

I'm not the happy person I once was. I'm not the cheat I once was either. I learned my lesson. But in my case, that lesson was taught too late for me and that final grade...well, it came at the highest price. I don't think I'll ever want another man again. I can't have the one I had, and I lost him because of another man...I'm done.

Jim sold our house, our home. I know that's my fault too...but still it hurts because he's moved across the country and away from me. I'm sure he will find someone else, and that hurts too because I know how kind, good and wonderful a man he is that I let slip away.

That's not right...that I drove away...that's it...I drove him away. I knew that for certain when he dropped the check off from the proceeds of the house sale...my share that is. He didn't have to, but he took the difference of the original appraisal and what he sold it for and gave me half. Even though I had cheated on him as I had.

I held out my hand so he could lay that check there and as he did the look in his eyes was enough that I just wanted to drop into the nearest hole in the ground and never come out. Where there had once been love and that certain indefinable lust, there was just cold, dark and anger. Where his eyes had before always been flashing deep blue they were now a light ice blue with little needles of pain.

Sam and I had been having our affair for just over two years, when we were found out. What started it all, as I remember, was we had a barbecue one weekend evening, and Sam being the new guy at work, had been drug along with a few others. Jim had been called away, just before Sam showed up, and I had taken over the cooking.

We had people from where I worked and from where Jim worked there that night, and as things dwindled down, Sam, me and a young couple were left. The young couple finally left leaving just Sam and I. I had been drawn to him during the night even more than I had from work (he was one of my departmental co-workers) and his ability to make me laugh had started a fire deep inside.

By the time everyone was gone I was having all sorts of thoughts, and fighting with myself at some of the more nasty one's that popped up. Sam decided to leave after we had talked and laughed for about another hour. Jim wasn't home yet, and I was feeling buzzed from the beers I'd had.

I walked him to the door and there he thanked me for the invite. I told him I was happy that he had come. The next thing I knew, he leaned in and kissed me. It was a light 'friendly' type of kiss that should have touched my cheek, but I turned my head at the last moment, wondering what he was doing when his lips touched mine.

Sparks. Lots of sparks. I was tingling all over deep inside, and fearful that Sam could see that I wanted him. I was able to hold myself together until he had left, that hot feeling of his lips having been on mine hanging with me until late that night.

I knew he was married just as I was. I knew that what I was feeling for him at that instant was what a married woman like myself shouldn't be feeling for a man not her husband, yet even though my mind was fighting the implications of what had just occurred I found myself wanting more.

After that, when we'd see each other at work he'd always have a nice comment, telling me always how beautiful and attractive I was, and joking with me. More and more I began to want something more from our time...but I didn't know how to approach him with my feelings. I didn't want to hurt Jim; I just wanted to have a feeling that had slipped away from me at some point in my life. Sam, without possibly knowing it, had ignited that fire deep inside me.

Later that summer, we had another of many barbecues, and once again, Jim was called away. This time, before we even got started with it so I decided to cancel it. I managed to get in touch with everyone...but Sam. For whatever reason, I blanked calling him about the canceled barbecue until he knocked on our door.

Surprised at first, I realized that I had invited him in before mentioning that the barbecue had been canceled. Freudian of me, though I shuttled any guilt I was feeling off in the glow of Sam's jokes and easy banter. I also knew that his wife couldn't make this one either since she had flown back to be with her mother who had an operation.

He was only going to stay for a bit, and we were still in the doorway to our house. I took his hand and guided him in, hoping that he'd come. As he did, my heart started thumping. I could feel that fire deep inside bursting out, and I knew that if Sam did anything close to 'right' I'd be fucking him that night.

Sam did his part without probably realizing just how worked up I was and how much I wanted him. By the time things calmed down we were naked and on the bed, having just done it twice. I actually sucked him off right in the living room, where anyone, Jim included, could have walked in and caught me on my knees swallowing Sam's cock.

Laying on the bed naked with him, I felt my first twinge of guilt for having cheated on Jim. Sam must have felt something to because he began to joke nervously. His joke soon became several and then we were both laughing, the guilt gone...washed away with the laughter.

After that night it got hotter and hotter, until we both realized that we had to cool our jets a bit or we'd be caught. So we agreed to meeting on certain days. At first it was once a month. Pretty soon it was once a week, then, by the time Jim walked in and saw me, it had become three times a week in my home, and stolen moments here and there whenever we could get them.

It had become a drug that I was addicted to. I think Sam was addicted to. We both knew that we loved out spouses. We both knew it was wrong, yet it was so...deliciously dirty and exciting neither of us could stop it by that point.

I never knew that Jim had caught me and Sam together until I caught him with my best friend. I should have known once I caught him and Shawna that something was up. Jim wasn't and isn't the type of man to 'fall' or climb into with any woman that comes along. Right up until my sister told me why I had 'caught' Jim and Shawna together I figured that my cheating was not even suspected.

When I had opened our bedroom door and see her on top of my husband I had at first wondered who was in our bed fucking. Then I saw Jim, and the look in his eyes as he gaze met mine. A self-satisfied kind of smug look. My anger had been building then I was hit with the knowledge that Jim's look was one of ownership...like he knew something. Inside I was dying. My love, my husband was in bed naked fucking my best friend. How DARE HIM! How...dare...I?

It hit me like an ice cold bucket of water. This is what it felt like to know that your spouse was cheating on you...and I hurt. Oh how I hurt. The implications of my affair now crashed down around me. I had to run. I had to get out.

I had turned and left only because I knew that if I started yelling or worse, it would all come out and at that moment I wasn't able to face my own dirty secret. Once alone and thinking more clearly I knew that Jim must had found me out and my catching him with my best friend had been his payback. If I had hurt him half as much as I felt that night...I had destroyed us.

My next move was to resist the divorce and try to fix things. Of course, Sam was out immediately. As I mentioned before, too little and far and away too late. Next I tried to convince Jim to go to counseling and I'd do anything he wanted. He just stared at me before walking away.

I tried everything I could, but between my parents nagging at me and my sister working or rather trying to work her magic on my husband, I suddenly realized that I had screwed up too much to fix this problem. Having seen Shawna together with Jim in bed and the smiles on their faces when I walked in on them, I got angry.

I know...I had no right to be angry, but still, Jim was MY husband...well...that was my messed up thinking at the time. Bother the fact that Jim's wife had been fucking another man in his bed for a long time. Twisted as I was and feeling so abandoned, though I had brought it all on myself, I tried to screw Jim financially.

That didn't work for beans. Jim's lawyer was known as the best in the state for divorce cases and the best lawyer I could afford was some guy that wore a cheap, smoky smelling suit that had an 'air' of moth balls lingering around too. Needless to say, I didn't fare too well. Jim did surprise me though. He relented a bit and gave up some money to me that I never thought I'd see. He didn't leave me destitute though I deserved to be left that way.

So, now I am here, in this dumpy apartment, with noisy neighbors and a not too safe street out front. My job was almost taken away from me, but Shawna, of all people, manage to save that for me. I wanted to hate her...but she had only acted what was natural for her, and though Jim was my husband, once she knew that I had more or less given him away like I had, her guilt was minimized.

We don't talk or hang out, don't get me wrong, but she did go to bat for me and helped me to keep my job. I guess she felt a little bad for me in some ways. Maybe because my actions had reminded her of how shaky her life was too.

Some would call her a 'free spirit' but most men I would overhear talking about her were more than likely thinking she was a slut. Which I guess, was true. Of course, now I belong in that group now too. I'm not fooling myself. If I hadn't been caught and then 'discovered' my husband with my best friend, I would have still been seeing Sam. I'm sure of that.

Now, having been caught and having paid the price...the dear price of that hurt each day when I wake up alone, I am aware of one thing. I should have never ever gone there to begin with. I have no excuse. I am an adult woman and I should have been able to resist doing what I did. I can't even blame Sam because I feel that I was the one that initiated the whole mess.

I still think of that day when I came home, about to shower up for my meeting with Sam and found Jim in bed with Shawna. I couldn't believe the pain that engulfed my heart at seeing them together like that. I wanted to shout at Jim...kill Shawna, and scream at them both...yet I suddenly realized that I had been doing this very same thing to Jim all along.

Ashamed I had just left. I never knew at that point that Jim already knew about Sam and I. If I had I might have acted differently and begged him to forgive me...as I would forgive him for his time with Shawna. Of course, that was not to be, and I highly doubt that would have worked anyway. Jim is nothing but resolute once he has decided on a course of action.

I never thought about getting caught. I never thought about how much my cheating on my husband would hurt him. I never thought about what I was in danger of losing, until it was too late and I had lost it. This whole dark episode in my life has been life changing and very educational. I know now, what it feels like to have someone rip your heart out by its roots and toss it aside. I know what it's like to lose focus on what you dearly love and have to rebuild your life after the fact.

During the divorce I found out things about my husband that I had never known. Some guy he had been giving money to for our entire marriage for instance. My lawyer had dug deep into his past and found out that Sam and I had been fortunate. Jim could have killed us both with his bare hands. That shocking bit of news was the most surprising thing about my husband I could have ever learned.

All the years we were married, Jim had never even hinted that he had boxed, or been a semi-pro boxer. I had never heard him tell of the fight where he'd almost killed a man. I'd never heard of him slipping money each month into that same man's bank account, and me none the wiser.

As the divorce drug out I remember discovering how much of a backbone my husband had too. What Sam and I had done together for our own selfish reasons came back to haunt us. Jim had arranged for everything he had on Sam and I to go to Sam's wife. His divorce was uglier that mine was.

Another thing I discovered was that this was not Sam's first time at cheating on his wife either. He had been doing other women, even while he was with me. How his wife must have been hurt when he was found out. My guilt was not lessened in this mess though. I had always had that choice to say no, and I failed in my vows to say that. A simple no silently, to me from me was all it would have taken.

Talking with 'Billie's' Parents had enlightened me in many ways to what kind of man I had married. His actions after that fight had been his penance of sorts I'm sure...but Billie was not a small man by any means.

Billie's parents had nothing but good things to say about the man that had hurt their only son so badly. Billie himself had spoken well of Jim. He even refers to Jim as his best friend. I, Jim's wife of seven years, had never even known.

Other acts of kindness my husband had done for many others had come out in my lawyer's investigation. At one point my lawyer had said that any one as well respected and kind as my husband was would be extremely hard to dig up dirt on. A statement that was to prove true. The only 'dirt' on my husband was his sleeping with Shawna. That had been pre-planned by him...to show me what it felt like to have a spouse cheat on you.

Be true to oneself...I have that at least. Now after the fact that is. Knowing what being cheated on really feels like, how it tears your heart out and stomps it into the ground...I know I'll never cheat on someone again...ever. I only wish I'd known it before though. Oh how I wish I had listened to that little voice in my head right after that very first kiss on my doorstep so long ago.

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With this ending readers, I leave it to you to figure out where each spouse ended up. The time ahead is open, they are both free to pursue as they see fit. I think that you are capable of giving them the ending they deserve so I will leave it to you now.