What Men Want Ch. 03byalmost©
What Men Want Chapt 3-Why someone cheats, another chapter in the Almost series.
Foreword: I titled this, They vs He or She because the causes of cheating are somewhat bipartisan. They don’t vary by gender, so, if she’s doing it to you, or he is, it’s for somewhat the same reason, and although those reasons can vary, some are listed below, or the one’s I’ve figured out are, reasons are specific to the person, or the situation, and I’m sure some don’t fit these offerings. I have never cheated on anyone, I have been cheated on by many, and I understand it more than I once did, is all this is. Again, keep those cards and letters coming folks, you fuel my idea banks. And, this is dedicated to Kelly, a lovely young thing who took my place, for a time and gave what I couldn’t give. Thank you my dear.
Cheaters. It’s a nasty word, it bespeaks of betrayal of trust, of sneakery and thievery, of dishonesty in the core of a being, they not only steal from others, they do it secretly and through being devious and deceptive, they worm their ways into the hearts of a lover only to then twist like a knife to hurt them thoughtlessly for superficial selfishness. It tells of a naughty thing bad people do, it’s a label that says evil, that says unworthy, even unethical and unkind. But WHY do they do it?
You’ll read theories by angry spouses that explain it’s because they’re cheating, low life, lying, no good, lousy, stinking, shallow and flawed, and insecure, and mean, and totally unsuitable to be allowed in the human race spouse is just a dog, a slug, a slime and an ingrate. They’ll tell you of the damage it did to their own trust (oh poor babies!) what a surprise it was to them and how these horrible thoughtless destroyers of beauty and good are in fact cads, and witches and evil beyond measure. It’ll talk about their upbringing, their parents, their friends and their work, and slyly suggest none of it was even THEIR fault or had anything to do with them. It paints them like victims, and what it doesn’t tell you is the truth. Or, I guess my question is, if it is the truth, then why’d you marry them to begin with? Did you expect them to change from being shallow, flawed, insecure, inadequate and mean and totally unsuitable, or did they fool you totally with nary a hint or a suggestion? If you did marry them knowing they had many problems and flaws, did you not realize the risk that they in fact might not be perfect or conform to your standards of excellence? Cause I’d think it might be smart to know someone a bit before marrying them, but what do I know…and of course, my goal isn’t just to get their paycheck and not have to work…so? Different strokes I guess…but the free lunch doesn’t happen often in life, so you get what you deserve at times. If you set forth choosing to be blind without seeing, don’t complain about the view.
Rule number one, cheaters cheat to get something they aren’t getting. Period. End report. Now what it is may vary, and indeed they may have some flaws, but no happy person goes looking for trouble just to see if it exists. This is almost a constant, except in the case of a psychopath, who then cheats just for the joy of so doing. For one, it’s a lot of work to cheat. You have to find someone else who wants to cheat with you, and even single men can tell you that’s not always easy! A lot of the girls out there won’t have a man who cheats, and actually are wise enough to ask if they’re married, and will not play with men who they even SUSPECT are! And for another, a person who is getting all they need, really doesn’t bother looking for something they don’t. No motive, no action!
People cheat to find fulfillment, and what that fulfillment is, varies by what it is they don’t have or don’t want to give up. They do it often as a form of compromise. A way to stay within that marriage or relationship, to raise those children, to honor their commitments and have the life they have invested in, and still have “me” time, and things they so desperately need, and don’t get elsewhere. It’s an oasis of me, in a sea of them, to many. It’s like going bowling, it’s like going fishing, it’s a hobby, a distraction and even a relief from the daily grind. To many it has very little emotional attachment, it is just physical, one dimensional and a solution to cope with a life they can’t seem to get everything from. It is often egocentric, in a world they are allowed no ego in. And sometimes it’s addictive as well, because it is naughty and it is totally egocentric. And there’s a high to that. It becomes a conquest and a getting over on someone that in time, can in fact flaw the individual who may have started for different reasons altogether.
No I don’t agree with it, nor is it a healthy way to live one’s life, but to solve it, you have to identify why they do it! And they aren’t all wrong! They aren’t! I will defend some of them. It is a case of situational ethics, of solutions to problems and compromise. So if you don’t want them to cheat, I”d suggest you consider not putting them in that situation, or if you don’t care if they do, well then quit WHINING!
Example: The man who marries the woman who just doesn’t want sex with him. He works, he pays the bills, he mows the lawn, he provides for her. He gives her a roof over her head, he may raise her children, he escorts her places, he takes her on vacation, he builds her a secure future and keeps her from a life of hardship. He buys her gifts, brings her champagne, he plans romantic escapes, he pleases her anyway he can, he takes her to dinner and the movies. All he wants is love and affection and warmth and intimacy in return.
OR…the woman whose man ignores her, comes home, never talks, never listens, goes to his shop, won’t interact, won’t do things with her, often won’t have sex with her, and often acts more like a vegetable with legs than a man or a lover, and all she wants is his love, affection and warmth and intimacy.
So when she or he refuses to give him or her that, says she/he doesn’t like it, or it’s not convenient, who’s doing the cheating???? And after months and years of this, he swallows hard and accepts that she isn’t going to give him that one little thing he so desperately needs, he sometimes decides, he loves her so much or the life they’ve built, that he’ll just solve it all but getting a little on the side. Or she will, cause it does happen the other way around too!
And I again ask you, whose the cheater in that. The man who earned, did, worked for, provided and got nothing in return, not even the consideration to want to meet him part way, or…the man who after providing all these things, and thinking of everything he possibly could to get this housekeeper gone mad to put out a little and like being with him intimately, he decides he won’t bother her for THAT any more and just get it somewhere else?
Is there anger in it? Of course there is! Lol…poor GUY! He had this vision of happily ever after when he walked down that aisle, with visions of sugar plums dancing in his head, he worked and he slaved, and he gave and he gave, and now he’s off begging some woman to please be his friend, because the one at home, has a headache, oh yet again. And according to the stories, HE’s the BAD GUY in it all for liking and needing sex, love and affection and intimacy! OH RIGHT!
There are different libido levels, and unfortunately sometimes they do end up in a relationship, but the bottom line is there are also lazy, thoughtless, inconsiderate uncaring, unfeeling, self involved people in marriages, and THEIR SPOUSES often CHEAT! And they then go boo hoo hoo! Because they couldn’t manipulate the last sense of spirit and passion out of that spouse.
There are also sexual preferences and inadequacies, which often get the press for these problems. The she left me cause my dick wasn’t big enough thing, or she left me for a woman, or he left me for a younger woman. Well? A dick that never wants them is about worthless regardless of it’s size, if they are indeed a latent homosexual, well somewhere in there, you were either deceived badly or refused to see, and if he left you for someone younger, it’s probably because she looks at him like a god, and idolizes him and actually takes care of her body, and goes places with him and laughs, so? It isn’t just an age thing or a size thing, it’s about not being what they need or caring enough to figure out what they need. If you have decided to turn into an old woman and he’s bored half to death, you’re right, he may decide he wants some one more alive and fun, and while he’s shopping maybe firm and luscious might as well go into it too, besides, if she’s younger, by the time she turns old and grey like you are now, well, he’ll be ready for one a bit slower by then…right fellas?
Hey, folks, you’re the ones boring them out the door, don’t mind me if I at least explain to you what you’re doing! They want fun, so do I! There’s nothing wrong with being alive, and you really don’t have to sit down to wait for your funeral, I promise, no one will hold it without you being there! You can’t be late to your own funeral, so go play! It’s ok! It’ll wait til you’re ready!
Is cheating right? Well compared to allowing someone to destroy your soul, it may be, but in actuality I don’t think so, I think it’s a case of two wrongs don’t make a right. Although they will defend it, as being better for the kids…I dunno! Some will even say “it’s not the money” OH PULLLEASE, it is SO! Lol! They don’t want to give up the big screen! It’s all of it…the house, the frying pan, the 401k, the kids, the dog, all of it…ok…maybe they’d give up the frying pan willingly.
I was a child in that, I’m not so sure it’s a good thing!
I also know a man who cheated for years, and his wife had learned to just look the other way, She knew, she didn’t admit she did, he hid it somewhat discreetly and they managed. But he said he wouldn’t leave her, because she would get half of everything, which? I guess, it’s what you value, your chance at happiness or half a double wide trailer, it’s all relative to what’s important to you I guess.
I know another couple, he’s in a position of power, he loves his power, and this is his second marriage. He brings his current mistress of the moment to social functions at his house, with his wife as hostess, and she swears he would NEVER cheat on her, and you’re standing there at this cocktail party with him being smug, the latest mistress (they’re a constant stream, young, over educated, stupid, sigh, whatever!) glaring at the wife, and the wife myopically serving pu-pus trying to convince everyone she hasn’t a clue! It’s all in what you like I guess…sigh…and EVERYone knows, he makes sure they do! And does he have a big one? They don’t come that big, in my book, folks…I don’t want any of him. And it is all about money, he has, they want, he trades. All it is. She won’t leave him! So she pretends she doesn’t know! She likes his credit cards! They’re BIG credit cards!
How do kids do in that? Well for one, they learn that love is nonsexual. They see this platonic relationship of some sort, perhaps with hidden issues, and they come to view that as normal. They don’t see the intimacy and affections between their parents that teach them it’s ok to develop those and respect their values. Often they are either totally ignored by the parents who are so busy focusing on their own needs ever so selfishly, or they are so totally inundated with parental affection with no healthy outlet they are all but smothered by it. So, yeah, it’s great for the kids, if you want to raise kids as screwed up as you are. And the sins of the parents shall manifest duofold in the kids…you reap what you sow. And I wish them luck at judgment day as they explain they didn’t realize.
And no, I am not softening this with kind words, it’s real! So, if it bothers someone to read this, perhaps they should open their eyes to what all of it does to their own families, wives, husbands, children and all, as they espouse they’re doing the right thing for everyone. And no I don’t just mean the person who is driven to seek comfort outside the boundaries of that relationship, I also mean the one who drives that person to that as a solution. It’s bad stuff, folks! It is not what love is supposed to do to people. So the cheater may in fact be the cheatee in many cases too.
There are other reasons cheaters cheat. There are. There is a group of people who cheat to keep a sense of themselves they refuse to give to a relationship. Fidelity is a gift we give, and some people can not bear to give it, they fear the loss of themselves in so doing, or that they’ll not have their own safety around them, so they cheat. They keep part of themselves intact and separate from a relationship. And the first group, who started cheating for reason can evolve into this group, but this group can evolve on their own too…and it is a form of addiction I think. Where the high becomes the conquest and they seek it as a form of satisfaction outside of sexual bliss.
These folks, like a former politician who made the news for months and months with some little tramp who kept the dress ever so handily, often will explain it isn’t SEX. Or it isn’t lovemaking more accurately, because to them it isn’t. It is often contained to them being recipients of pleasures, or they are somewhat non participatory during these escapades and therefore they rationalize that this isn’t the same thing as what they do with that person they care for, this is just an outlet they need. And those people are usually habitual cheaters, and they will often tell you they are long before you ever catch them. People do tell on themselves, if you listen. And Grand Jury’s listen and have microphones and TV cameras too…but it’s symptomatic of a much widely spread disease in society. One built on lack of acceptance of sex and it’s power and it’s rightful place in our lives as a joy we are given.
I am going to share a very good story someone told me the other day. The government doesn’t want people to fuck. Because people who fuck think, and if you don’t let people fuck, they won’t think, because if they do think, they’ll think about fucking, so the solution is, it’s patriotic and American to fuck. Support our country, fuck tonight!
And if you don’t want your spouse to seek it elsewhere, then I suggest you give it up, boys and girls! And do it very damned well. It doesn’t have to get boring, it’s a creative element in and of itself. It has lots of ways to stay fresh and exciting. If you’re on this website, you’re probably very aware of some of those.
And if that spouse is cheating, it may take YOU time to earn THEIR trust and belief in YOU Again should you wish to keep your relationship intact. Many cheaters do eventually leave that relationship, often because they can’t live a dual life, and one day they choose. But of course, the spouse who didn’t cheat always claims she threw them out…yeah RIGHT!
Not til they were already half packed and headed out the door anyway. Begging to please please, just meet them half way…and they answered by yelling get out. So yeah, they threw them out, I suppose, if you want to look at it that way, but of course, first they tortured them for a few years. OH right, they skip that part, don’t they! Silly me!
I don’t agree with cheating, but I understand it. And if you force a person to do it, you’re no less guilty than they are, in fact, you’re probably more guilty. Sex is important, and so is affection, understanding, intimacy and trust. They trusted you to care about them and you didn’t, so don’t yell at them if they then learned to not care about you, or tried to anyway, and took that one element somewhere else, because you didn’t like it anyway.
And for all you cheaters out there, sigh…what you do to that third person in that isn’t fair. It isn’t. You make him or her, pay the dues your lazy thoughtless spouse won’t pay, and then in return you expect to give nothing to get that. It’s a nasty mess for people, and for those contemplating cheating with someone, or fall into that trap, I suggest you get clear of that whirlpool if you can. Cheaters don’t love, they only use. They already gave at the office is why.
For the third persons in it, hey, make him take you someplace nice, cause you aren’t getting much else out of it! Although yes, sometimes they do learn to love too. It does happen. But it’s often a mess before it does. Good luck to you.
And to those potential cheaters contemplating or considering, you may want to look at other options too. It is not a simple thing you consider. For anyone. And you become like the one who does it to you.