What She Didn't Know

"Oh, no! What did you tell him? Did you tell him why?"

"No, I didn't tell him anything. I'll let you tell him; after all you did it. I told him to come get you because you won't be staying here anymore, and you needed a place to live. When you get settled, call me to make arrangements to get the rest of your stuff."

"Cliff, don't you love me anymore?"

I took a deep breath, saying, "Yes, I still love you and that's what makes this hurt so much. I loved you with everything I had; no one can just shut off that intense an emotion. I can't live with you anymore, and if you think about it for a while, I don't think you'd be happy living with me, either. We'd be living with a constant reminder of this hurtful day.

"It may hurt more at first, but I believe it would be best to see each other as little as possible for the next year or so. We can begin to heal and get on with our lives. I'll see a lawyer and start the divorce procedure tomorrow. With the pre-nup, it should be pretty cut and dry; please don't try to fight this—it will only drag out the inevitable and cause us both more pain."

She stood there looking up at me with her puffy sad eyes and sniffled. I could see that she was thinking about what I had said. I wasn't sure if she was beginning to agree with me, or was still trying to think of a way to change my mind when the doorbell rang. I expected to see Jim, my father-in-law, on the other side when I opened it, but he brought Mary, her Mom, along. June ran into her arms and began to cry openly.

"If you've done anything to hurt her, I swear you'll be sorry you ever breathed." He was the kind of man that never got upset, and could make a threat with no emotion—and you took it a lot more seriously than if he'd got in your face and screamed it.

"Jim, I haven't touched her. Her suitcases are right there, and she'll tell you what she did, when she can stop bawling."

"You're kicking her out? What did she do to deserve this?"

"I'd rather she told you as it would hurt too much for me to go through it again."

June and her Mom were already headed to the car. Jim bent over and picked up her suitcases, keeping one eye on me the whole time. When he stood, he raised one eyebrow, then turned and walked outside. I closed the door, and walked over to my recliner and fell into its comforting soft cushions. It was then that I fell apart, just like my marriage had.

I cried myself to sleep, and only awoke by the sun shining through the bay window the next morning. It was time to get a shower and start the rest of my life. I called my boss and got the day off; then I called the lawyer. I did all the standard stuff, including closing all our joint accounts and reopening new ones. The divorce really did go smoothly and quickly, as she didn't fight it.

A month later, I still hadn't heard from Darlene, so I called her. She and Joey moved back in with her parents, who had plenty of room both in their house and their hearts—and put their old house on the market. Mark and June did find a small apartment together, but Darlene seemed to think that they fought quite a bit.

Darlene asked me one day about the hypno-suggestion that I gave Mark and June. "Is it permanent? Will he always believe that he has nothing in his pants?"

"Never underestimate the power of denial!" I laughed. "After a few years and several people, probably doctors, tell him that hedoeshave something there, he may begin to question his belief, and dispel the illusion. Then again, maybe not; that's not exactly an area that we guys talk a lot about."

"Now that the pain's not so fresh, I feel a little pity for him. Did you really have to do that?" I just smirked.

I became an adopted uncle to Joey and a 'friend with benefits' to Darlene. Every couple of weeks we would get together. I would have liked to try for a fuller relationship with her, but she wasn't interested; too many bad memories, I guess. When I attended Joey's fourth birthday party, I noticed a man that I didn't know, was also present. I asked Darlene if she had found a new friend, and she said that she had. I told her that I certainly didn't want to get in the way, and she knew how to get hold of me, if I was needed. She was married to him seven months later.

I took the new friend at the party as a hint (read blow to the head) that it was time I started dating again, and I did. I've been seeing this cute blonde that I met at the mall for several months now, and I'm beginning to trust her. Thanks to June's cheating ways, I'm a lot more suspicious than I want to be. I really hate that, but Dawn understands; she is a real good gal.

It's been fourteen months since the big day, and I bumped into Mark in the grocery store...how ironic. He told me that thanks to his inability to satisfy June, after a few months, she cheated on him and he kicked her out—pretty much like I did. I felt kind of bad for him, as I knew just what he was going through.

"So, Mark, do you think you learned your lesson?"

"What lesson are you talking about?"

"Will you ever cheat or have sex with a married woman again?"

"I wouldn't—even if I could! My ex-wife is constantly angry with me and keeps me from seeing Joey as much as I should be. My girlfriend that I cheated with, cheated on me, and I'm all alone eating TV dinners every night. I can't even whack off. Some days, I wonder why I keep going on. Cliff, I'm so sorry for my part in the affair."

"You need to keep going on because Joey does need you—even if you did behave like a schmuck a few times. I tell you what—I know some people. People that don't officially exist and they can do some pretty wild things, but you'll never know they've even seen you. I can't promise anything, but I'll see what they can do for you.

"On Friday night, take home some whiskey. Drink it until you pass out—hopefully in bed—so you won't see them. If they can do this, when you wake up you'll have a nice surprise in your shorts. You can never breathe a word about this. Promise me?"

"I promise I'll never say a syllable!"

"Okay, and I'll make a promise to you—if I find out that you cheated on your woman again, or had sex with a married woman (other than your wife), I'll stop by and cut them off again! Do you understand me?"

"Yes! That won't be a problem—I swear! Thanks so much, Cliff! If this works, I'll owe you a big one! If you ever need anything—I'll be there for you. I'm not kidding, man! You have no idea how much I've suffered."

"Well, let's see if they can help you out before you go throwing yourself in front of a bus for me. Remember—don't say a word..." I waved a finger at him as I walked away. I had already given him 'the look' telling him that when he awoke on Saturday, his equipment would be back, and he'd have a pretty good hangover, too. It'd be worth it.

About six weeks later, I was at the mall one day and I saw Jim and Mary; I was going to just wave and keep walking, but Jim had other ideas. "Cliff, I'd like a word, if I may."

I shrugged a reply, "It's your dime."

"Mary and I want to tell you how bad we feel about what happened; we feel—well I feel—that it's partly my fault because of the way we reacted to her pregnancy. If we'd done things differently, well, you know. We just wanted to tell you that we're sorry, and hope you can forgive our part in this."

"Jim, Mary, you didn't make her do anything. It's true that you could've been more supportive of her, but I know you; you thought you were doing the right thing. It's only hindsight that has 20/20 vision. I hold nothing against you, so in my mind, there's no need to apologize."

"Thanks, Cliff, we appreciate that. I'd also like to tell you that we sent her to a shrink. At first, it was to help her get over the two of you, and then what she did with Mark. She had a lot of crap going around in her noggin, but she's getting straightened out. For her sake, we'd take it as a personal favor if you could go to one of her sessions. It's not her idea, it's her shrink's. She doesn't even have to be there—if you want.

"I know that it means opening up all the hurt again, but it would help her recovery, and that means a lot to Mary and I. Do you think you could do that for us?"

I just stared at them for a moment, looking into their sincere and hopeful faces. They were good people, and as good intentioned people are, they made mistakes. I know I've made them as well. Their friendship still meant something to me—something good. I sighed, "Let me know when and where. I'll do my best to be there."

Their hopeful faces lit up at once, saying, "Thank you so much, Cliff! We'll call you as soon as she sets it up with Dr. Faraday. Her regular session is on Thursday, that's tomorrow. Can you make it next Thursday at four?"

We made arrangements, as well as a person in my job could. As my luck would have it, I was able to meet her there. I entered the office five minutes before the appointment and she was waiting in the anteroom on the couch. She smiled pleasantly, but in a reserved, proper way; it made me think she was very unsure of her standing with me, and she didn't want to push it. I sat uneasily in the chair a few feet from her.

"Hello, Cliff," she greeted. "You're looking well."

I saw she was in a matching navy skirt and jacket, with a white blouse underneath, unbuttoned only a few inches from her neck, hinting at the chest that I used to know so well, but not showing a thing. It was very professional; a new look for her. "June, you look as good as I've ever seen you. This doctor must be doing you some good."

"Thank you. I want to thank you so much for coming today. It means a lot to me and my folks."

"I just don't want you to get your hopes up—this is not going to lead to a reconciliation. I can't live like that."

"I understand. I prepared myself for that, though I'd be a liar if I told you that a small part of me still holds a bit of hope for us. I guess you heard about Mark and I."

"Yes and please don't take it as a snide remark, but I have to say that it didn't surprise me. You have always had a high sex drive, and not being able to do it with Mark... I figured that you were just a time bomb, waiting to go off."

"I know what you mean and Dr. Faraday has helped me see why I did those terrible things to you and Mark. He has helped me with a lot of things, like my pregnancy and miscarriage. We believe that's a big part of why I got out of control."

"I'm not sure how much I can help you. You seem to have made a lot of progress and I don't know how I fit in."

"It's kind of like part of the twelve step program. This session I will admit the bad things I did to you and to us. Then, I will address them one by one, apologize, and offer to try and make them right—if I can. It's a healing process to get me to forgive myself, so you can—if that's even possible."

"The twelve step program is for addictions..." I carelessly thought out loud.

"Yes, Cliff, I am a sex addict." She cast her gaze downward. "After Mark and I broke up, I went sex crazy. I went to bars most every night and picked up strangers. I slept with co-workers, friends, and husbands of friends. Anyone who looked at me with a smile, pretty much got a roll in the hay. I was drunk a lot, and between the booze and the sex, I ignored the pain. My folks found out and got me some help. Luckily, I didn't catch anything a shot of penicillin couldn't cure. I am much better now; I haven't had any sex in over three months."

Silence took over the room as the shock of this revelation showed on my face. Just then the door opened and the doctor ushered us into his office. 'This is not going to be easy,' I told myself—and I was right. An hour later, we emerged from his office, with a cleansed and purged feeling that I can only compare to an emotional double enema.

"Cliff, I want to thank you again for coming today," she stated as we got off the elevator. "Do you think that we could get a coffee or a meal together?"

"I don't think so...not today anyway. I have had enough turmoil. I want you to know that I feel bad the way things ended with us—especially since you kind of went off the deep end like that. Maybe some day we can be friends, but not today. I'm sorry."

"I understand, Cliff. I really do; I'd like it if we could become friends—a lot. You mean a lot to me." As we stepped out of the building, she turned to the East, where her car was parked.

I noticed and said, "I'm parked this way, so I guess this is goodbye. Good luck in your recovery." I gave her a quick peck on the cheek and walked towards the setting sun.

June watched his silhouette, a little slumped sadly in the cool November chill. A tear ran down her cheek as she watched him walk out of her life.