What Was I Thinking?

I had been sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Bill to get home. I had cooked a nice dinner just for the two of us and he didn't show up at 6:30 p.m. as I had expected him to. He usually got home around 6:30 p.m. on Thursday nights and I was really upset with him but at the same time a little worried. This wasn't like Bill at all but I had to admit that he was late more often than he used to be. I was both mad and worried. Bill walked in the door at exactly 9:30 p.m., three hours late. I was happy to see him, but since he appeared to be ok my anger overshadowed my previous concern and I said, "What the hell is the matter with you? You are three hours late and you don't even call me? We have to talk."

He didn't appear to even be phased by what I said and just smiled at me and said, "I know I am late. Yes we do need to talk." He continued, "Let me go get changed and I will be back down in a couple of minutes and then we can talk."

With that he headed upstairs to our bedroom to change and I waited five minutes for his return. All that time I was wondering what he was up to since he seemed so uncaring that I was upset with him.

When Bill returned he sat down at the table and I started to ask him, "Just what could you ha.."

He held up his hand and stopped me, "Kathy, what you have to say can wait a couple of minutes. Let me talk to you first and then you can ask me anything you want or tell me anything you want."

What he said over the next few minutes almost knocked me out of my chair.

He said, "I am having an affair. I figured it was time for you to know that I have been seeing another woman and I decided I wasn't going to do it behind your back any longer. There really isn't much to tell you except that I am really enjoying her but since we are married I figured you had a right to know."

"I am not finished with the affair yet," he added, "but I don't anticipate that it will go on too much longer. I figure you will probably take about a week to discover who it is, when we do it, where we do it and why I am having the affair."

I looked at him and the tears welled up in my eyes. Here was the man I loved telling me he was having an affair and that he was going to continue it. I never dreamed that my Bill would ever be unfaithful to me. I could feel my composure starting to slip and I knew the tears were leaving trails down my cheeks. I just couldn't even say a word at that moment. Through teary eyes I just watched him to see what he would do or say next.

He went on, "I figure after you get all of those questions answered you will probably take a few weeks to figure out how you feel about the whole thing and what you intend to do about it. I guess the timing of that somewhat depends upon you."

I was numb. He didn't look the least bit disturbed at what he had just told me and his expressions did not indicate that he even cared how much his confession had stunned me.

"Now," he asked "What is it that you wanted to talk about Kathy?"

I replied, "I wanted to know what you could be doing that was so important that you wouldn't call me to tell me that you were going to be late, but I guess I don't need to ask that now do I? How could you do this to me, to us Bill?"

Once again he raised his hand and stopped me. "Kathy," he said, "I told you that you would have to spend a week to figure out the who, when, where and why on your own. For you to understand me, you need to do that. After you know that we can talk more about this, but I am not going to say another word now."

I couldn't take it anymore and I jumped up and ran upstairs to our bedroom, slammed the door shut, locked it and flopped down on the bed sobbing. I wondered what was happening to my life and what would become of my marriage and me. I couldn't help it, I just sobbed for hours until I eventually fell asleep.

When I woke up the sun was filtering through the curtains in our bedroom and I could tell it was late already. The bedroom door had been opened and when I checked Bill was nowhere to be found. I noticed there was moisture in our shower so I guessed that he had showered, gotten some clothes and left for work.

I called my office and told them that I wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be in that day, and that I would be in on Monday. After I hung up I showered and dressed for the day and sat with a cup of coffee thinking about what had happened. I thought back to his comment about me needing to find out the who, when, where and why to understand. Well, I would find that out as soon as I could.

I took down the phone book and looked in the yellow pages for detective agencies. I called "The Private Eyes" because their ad stated that they investigated cheating spouses. I told the receptionist what I was interested in and she connected me with one of their investigators named Carl. Carl listened as I outlined what I knew and what I wanted to find out then asked me if I could come down to their offices with photographs of my husband and any other pertinent information that might assist them in obtaining the information I wanted. I told him that I could be there around 1:00 p.m. if that would be alright. He said it would be fine and I hung up.

At 1:00 p.m. I met with Carl and gave him a recent photo of Bill along with our address, his work address, his work number and his cell phone number. I also gave him the make, model and license number of his car. I don't recall the other things Carl asked as he interviewed me, but I answered all of his questions. I told him I needed the results of his investigation by next week Thursday afternoon. He told me that it would not be a problem and that his retainer would be $300 and the total fee would be based upon the hours of surveillance and expenses incurred. I agreed that would be fair and we shook hands and I left.

At 4:00 p.m. Bill called me at home and said, "I see you didn't make it into work today, are you not feeling well?"

I was feeling fine except for the shock of his affair so I told him I just didn't feel like working that day and had taken off. He asked me, "Do you feel well enough to go out to dinner tonight?"

I said, I don't think I want to go out to dinner, but up want to pick up something on your way home that would be fine with me."

At 6:30 p.m. he walked through the door with Chinese carryout including my favorite, sweet and sour chicken. Not much was said between the two of us while we ate, but after dinner we sat and had a drink. Bill asked me how my day was and what I wanted to do for the weekend. It was as if nothing at all had been said between the two of us the night before and there was no affair hanging over our head.

I told him, "I don't know what I want to do over the weekend, did you have any ideas?"

I couldn't believe this conversation. What on earth was happening to me?

Well, we didn't do anything special over the weekend because there was so much tension between the two of us. Saturday we just worked on some chores around the house. He tried to make love with me but with the way I was feeling it didn't go anywhere. Eventually he just rolled over and went to sleep and I laid there with my eyes wide open thinking about him with another woman. I know that I cried softly for a while before I eventually went to sleep.

Sunday, we went to church together. How could he go to church with me after he confessed being in the middle of an affair? I just didn't know, but he did. That afternoon he just lay around watching sports on television while I tried to keep myself busy with other things. Of course, that night was a repeat of the previous night. No sex, no hugging, no loving.

On Monday we both returned to work and didn't talk until Monday night. I knew how upset I was over his affair, but I also loved him and missed his attention. That night when he tried to make love with me I let him. I did want his touch, but when he entered me I could only think about him entering her. I allowed him to finish in me, but I honestly got no joy from our lovemaking. I cried myself to sleep again that night.

Tuesday night was different. Bill came home his usual time, told me he needed a shower before dinner and rushed up to the bedroom to shower and change. I just knew he had been with her that day. I knew because he avoided looking me in the eye. I knew because I could smell her perfume on his clothes.

That night Bill didn't even try to make love to me and I was both sad and glad. Sad because I knew he was already satisfied with his lover and glad because I didn't think I could take it knowing that he had been with her already. Was I as good a lover as she was? Did I make him feel as good as she would? There were so many of those questions that raced through my mind that I was more glad than sad that he didn't want me that night. But, oh it did ache in my heart that I was losing his love.

Wednesday night was a repeat of Monday night. Bill was attentive and loving and yes he did want me that night. I wanted to talk about us again, but Bill refused to talk about it until the week was up. I just didn't understand him. I let him do me, but again, the love and joy were not in it for me.

Late Thursday afternoon I had an appointment with Carl. When I arrived the receptionist gave me a strange look and called Carl to tell him I was there. Carl came out to meet me and took me to a small conference room.

He said, "Kathy, we have a pretty complete investigation of what your husband has been doing."

He laid out a number of photos, hotel receipts, cell phone records, and the like. I started to go through the evidence of my Bill's affair and was stunned all over again.

The narrative said he left work early on Tuesday with his secretary Jennifer. They went to lunch at a small diner on the edge of town and then drove to the Castle Motel. They drove right up to room 121 and walked right in the door. There were photos of them coming out of his office, both of them getting in his car, photos at the diner, going into the motel and yes there were photos of them both naked with him fucking her doggie style. The narrative said that they left the motel around 6:00 p.m. and he drover her back to their office and she left and he came home to me.

There were identical descriptions and documents from that day, Thursday. In addition there was an audio tape from Thursday because once "The Private Eyes" knew where they were meeting they bugged the room and got the audio. I listened to the audio and by the time it was done I was in tears.

Carl said, "That is all we have for now Kathy, because they are still in the room. I guess this is really what you wanted anyway so we pulled off of the investigation."

I told him that, "Yes, it is all I really need to know. Now I only have to figure out what to do about it."

He told me, "If there is anything else we can do for you, please don't hesitate to contact me."

I paid the remainder of the fee for their services ($200 more) and left for home.

Part II When I got home I made a very difficult but necessary phone call. When I got my office I asked for Brian my boss. When he came on the line I said, "Brian, this is Kathy. Bill knows everything! He knows I am having an affair with you. He knows when and where we meet. I cannot do this anymore, I love my husband and I have to do anything I can to save my marriage. I have to stop seeing you and I cannot work for you anymore. I am tendering my resignation effective immediately."

I should have known that I couldn't keep my affair with Brian a secret and I should have known that Bill eventually would find out. I should have known how much it would hurt him to find out and I should have known that he would not just let it happen. What I didn't know was what lengths he would go to show me how stupid I had been.

My affair with Brian started around two months ago. He was my boss and we spent a lot of time together each day working on all kinds of projects. I am 39 years old and my birthday is coming up in another month. Bill and I have been married for 15 years and I love him so very much and I know he loves me. To explain why I started the affair with Brian you have to understand what had been happening in our marriage and how I was feeling about the upcoming 40th birthday.

We had no children because neither of us really wanted a family. This was no surprise to either of us since we had talked about it and agreed on it before we were married. Bill and I both had good careers and spent a lot of time working to further them. Anyone who is married for any number of years knows that eventually you just get comfortable with one another and some of the special things you did for each other you just stop doing. Bill and I were like that. We loved each other more every day, but frankly neither of us went out of our way to make that known, we just assumed the other knew it.

Well as I said, I was approaching my 40th birthday and I was not getting any special attention from Bill. I think I was very fragile emotionally and for whatever reason Brian started to notice and started doing all sorts of nice things for me. He would give me a card of encouragement. He would make a point of complimenting me on my hairdo or my clothes. He would tell me my perfume was very appealing. He was not openly sexual in his comments or actions but he was very caring and sweet.

One day after we had completed a very difficult project Brian took me to lunch and when we got back to the office there were some flowers waiting for me. They had been delivered while we were out to lunch. I took them to my office and opened the card that was attached. The card read as follows:

Kathy, thank you for all of the hard work you did on the Crenshaw account. I don't know how we would have gotten it done without your extraordinary efforts. Thank you for the beauty and charm you bring to this office on a daily basis. You will never know just how much you mean to me. Brian

I rushed into his office to thank him and when he stood up I don't know why but I just flew right into his open arms and hugged him. I cannot tell you how good it felt to be there. It just felt right and I didn't pull back. The feel of his body next to mine, the look of desire I saw in his eyes, the feel of arousal I felt against my body just totally reaffirmed my femininity and my confidence. At that moment Brian was the most important person in my life because he made me feel like the woman I wanted to be. Bill hadn't done that for a long time and I just succumbed.

After that day, our relationship just kept moving forward with us getting closer and closer. One Tuesday morning Brian asked me if he could take me to lunch and spend the afternoon with him. I knew it was wrong to do that, but I also wanted it so much. He took me to a small diner on the edge of town where we ate a light lunch then we checked into the Castle Motel and spent the entire afternoon.

Brian was a very considerate lover. He knew I was feeling some guilt over cheating on my husband and he proceeded very slowly. Brian sat with me on the edge of the bed and held me for the longest time. Then he started to gently caress my arm and my side and eventually his hand slipped up over my breast. He nuzzled his face into my neck and kissed me lightly. Oh God how I loved how it felt. It wasn't very long and I knew I would make love with him and feel no regrets.

Brian could sense the change in me and started to unbutton my blouse. When he took it from me he exclaimed, "Oh Kathy, you just don't know how long it has been that I have wanted to be with you. You are the sexiest woman I have ever seen and I want to make love with you."

I was so hot, and so wet from his attention and words. I stood up and asked him, "Would you like to see the panties that go with this bra?"

The grin that spread across his face was precious and he just bobbed his head up and down. I stood up and unbuttoned my skirt and let it fall to the floor. When I turned around and bent down to pick it up, Brian got a bird's eye view of me from behind. My pink pantied butt was sticking out there for his viewing pleasure. My thigh high stockings stretched to the max with my long straight legs pointing the way to my wet pussy. And my 34C breasts encased in the sexy pink bra hanging down just right for him to see their fullness. The grin got even bigger.

"Oh Kathy," he said, "You are a vision of beauty."

We made love all afternoon and I totally lost count of the number of orgasms that Brian gave me. We did it missionary position, doggie style, me riding him front wards and backwards and we did oral on each other. We did not do anal that day and over the entire affair we never did anal.

That night when I went home to face Bill was the hardest I had ever had. I couldn't even look him in the eye for very long and I couldn't wait to get to bed so I wouldn't have to look at him. Yes, I pretended to have a headache so I wouldn't have to make love to my husband. What was I thinking!

After that, Brian and I would go to the diner for lunch and the Castle Motel every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon. We always made love, he never just fucked me. I would have to say that it was the most loving period of my entire life because he treated me like a queen. I was always satisfied and I always wanted more at the same time. I know now that Bill's sex life with me suffered, but I didn't realize it then.

Our affair had been going on for almost exactly eight weeks.

So, now you have it all of the pieces.

My affair with Brian started 4 weeks before Bill knew it was happening. Bill's affair with Jennifer started 4 weeks before he told me.

We went to the diner and Castle Motel on Tuesdays and Thursdays They went to the diner and Castle Motel on Tuesdays and Thursdays

He found out and took the next 4 weeks to decide how to make me realize my mistake. He told me of his affair and told me it would go on for a while longer, depending on me.

I know all of this because the last words I had heard on the audio tape from Carl were, "By now my cheating wife is listening to an audio tape of you and me and knows why I am enjoying your charms Jennifer."

Now you know it all. Bill will have his affair with Jennifer exactly as long as I have had mine with Brian. Since I stopped it with Brian today, I assume he will stop it with Jennifer in another 3 or 4 weeks.

Part III When Bill got home around 9:30 p.m. again I was waiting up for him. "Bill honey," I said, "Can we talk?"

"Of course we can talk Kathy," he said. "What do you have to say?"

I couldn't help myself; I just started blubbering, "Bill, I am so sorry I have hurt you so bad. I never meant to hurt you, I love you so much. I know that you know everything and when I realized that you knew I finally came to my senses."

He asked, "Just what is it you are talking about Kathy?"

He knew, but he was going to make me tell him all about it. "I know that you know about my affair with Brian because you are doing exactly all of the same things with Jennifer that I did with him." I blurted.

"I know that you plan on seeing her for another 3 or 4 weeks and I don't want you to do that," I added. "I stopped my affair with Brian today; can't you stop yours with Jennifer today too?" I pleaded. "I don't think I will be able to stand knowing that you are with her for that much longer," I wailed.

"Kathy, you cannot begin to understand yet the pain and suffering you put me through with your affair. You just don't know yet how much pain a person feels when they are betrayed by someone that they thought loved them."

"I told you that you needed this past week to find out the who, when, where and why of my confessed affair," he continued. "Now you need the next 3 or 4 weeks to understand the pain and suffering. I cannot cut it short for your own good. You must feel it like I felt it," he added.