What'll I Do? Ch. 01

"That's it! This is the last time I am ever going to fall in love."

The moment those words left my mouth, I found myself in a dark space. A space that was distant and remote, away from the voices, away from the stories that encouraged hope.'

'There he was, on OUR bed, fucking some fit young guy.'

The image was too vivid, too visceral, too intense, too much.

After a few screams, bottles of Vodka, crying on my sister's shoulder, Jacob, my lover of three years left me to pursue his career in a different country.

'Who am I kidding?'

In short, he wanted to live his own life without me in his horizon. Actually, he wanted to live his new life with that same guy he met at his office, the same man he brought to our home and to our bed!

'The guy looked like a reject from a British boy band.'

I mean we were in our mid thirties. Did he want o feel young again? Did he just go out there to have an affair with the boy band clone while we were still living together.

'The cheating I could handle.'

But, rejection could not get any worse than this.

'So, how am I going to bounce back from this recent emotional mess?'

The dark space seemed less threatening and over time the darkness would become a companion.

I would go to work five days a week, sometimes six. Late nights at the law firm, take out food, mindless chatter with other clerks. At least, the work filled my head with useless information, and it kept me from descending further into the dark space.

I had my own apartment, a good job, a caring group of family and friends. Life seemed perfect except my heart was broken into pieces. The difficult part this time was that some of the pieces were gone. I knew that when he left, I would never be the same.

'Is anyone ever the same after a break up? '

'Is anyone after being abandoned and rejected by a lover ever considered himself or herself whole?'

It was one of those evenings, I found myself at the neighborhood used bookstore looking for something. At times I would find myself glancing at a cute guy across the room or glare at the arrogant and rude customer with fashion magazines in tow, exhaled a demeaning sigh towards the cashier. I went back to looking for that elusive book, the one that will successfully distract me from getting more depressed.

"Hi Nate." A voice from behind tapped my shoulder. I turn around.

Alex.

A former boyfriend.

He and I went out for a couple of months when he arrived in the city 14 years ago.

We exchanged pleasantries.

Our break up was amicable and to be honest, our relationship was nothing more than just physical exploration. Alex had just come out after graduating from NYU and I was fresh out of law school. We were both young, cute, energetic and we loved to dance all night long.

"I heard that Matt and you got married?" I asked in order to avoid the awkward silence that was growing.

"Yeah, it was kind of crazy and fast. We were in Bermuda and he proposed. I didn't see it coming," he proudly replied by showing off his Tiffany wedding band.

"How nice, I'm happy for you," I replied out of courtesy.

"How about you? Are you still with Jacob?" Alex politely asked.

"No, we broke up recently. He's living in London now," I courageously replied, withholding the tears that were ready to erupt from my eyes.

Silence.

"Do you want to go out for a drink? Do you want to talk about it?" Alex kindly offered.

In his own way, Alex was a great guy, caring, considerate and was an amazing lover. But, it was his ability to listen that puts him above all the others I have dated, slept and lived with. It makes sense that he works as social worker for the city.

"Thank you, but, no I'm okay."

I lied.

After a few more laughs and gossip, Alex made his way to the cash and left.

I continued to sift through the shelves, now sinking deeper into the darkness that was about to consume me.

**

On my way home I thought 'I could call one of my former fuck buddies for a quickie.' It wasn't hesitation rather it was frustration. I wasn't even horny.

Pieces of my heart were gone, but did my libido have to go missing as well?

I ordered some Chinese take out and headed for home. My mobile phone rang.

Nathanael S.

Memories flashed through my mind.

I threw most of his stuff out and took some of his clothes to Goodwill, but I couldn't find myself to delete his number.

I stood there on the corner of 6th Ave and 12th Street looking at my damn phone.

What am I going to do?