When We Were Married Ch. 02D

"We could argue that, Debbie, but you got a sweet young stud, his house, his kids and the life he used to have. He's got his job and a place he sleeps. He came out with the short end of the stick. And he's not going to pay you alimony."

"That's where you're wrong, Lew. He is, whether he wants to or not."

Lew looked at her funny.

"It's not that cut and dried, Debbie."

"Oh, so you've got his secret weapon? Unfortunately for you, I never screwed around on him. There are no photos of me leaving Doug and our love nest. There are no love letters, no tape recordings of hot whispered nothings. He and you have shit."

"That's something I've wondered about Debbie. He told me about that 'when we were married' slip and about your kissing Doug that night coming back from UNF. And about the way you acted with Doug at UNF that night. You still swear up and down that you guys were just platonic friends?"

She took a sip of her bottled water and suddenly felt very tired.

"Once again, Bill has a screw loose. I made a simple slip. I don't know what I was thinking, but only Bill would have blown that up into an accusation that I was cheating on him. And I didn't kiss Doug that night, or at least I don't think I did. I might have reached over and given him a peck on the cheek, but I've given hotter kisses to neighbors at Christmas parties. It was nothing.

She looked down at the table, thinking about that Friday night at UNF.

"Looking back, I guess it did look pretty bad, that night at UNF. Doug was excited and happy and since I was his mentor, I was kind of basking in his glory. Bill had been acting like a shithead for weeks, we hadn't had sex in months, and a young handsome guy was treating me like his date for the prom. I plead guilty to acting like a stupid young girl. But it wasn't anything more than that."

"And that kiss?"

"That was a big mistake. That wasn't planned. They had called him up to receive his plaque and he wanted me beside me and all of a sudden he was kissing me. I shouldn't have done it. God knows I shouldn't have given him tongue, but I was so damned horny all of a sudden it's a wonder I didn't drag him down on the podium and have my way with him. If I'd been getting what I needed at home, if you were in my bed instead of Bill, I would have laughed that kiss off."

She stared at the briefcase he had pulled up onto the table and said, "Don't leave me in suspense, Lew. Hit me with your best shot."

He snapped the briefcase open and pulled out a manila folder. He flipped it open and she saw a thin stack of papers. He glanced through the pile and then pulled one out and put it on the table and shoved it in her direction. She picked it up and looked at it curiously.

What in the world could-

- Deb to Lance: That's indelicate, Lance, you pig. :) But you're right. Consummating is like....what Bill and I do. Oh, God, I can't believe I wrote that. But...it's been so long since I've been really FUCKED that sometimes I forget what it was like. I think we used to have that, if I can remember that far back. But now...Bill was never huge to be honest, but the last few years I think he's shrunk. I'll kill you if you ever let a word of this slip. And he gets winded in five or six minutes.-

She closed her eyes and tried to shake off a feeling of vertigo, as if the building were spinning around her. She had never fainted in her life, didn't even know what the feeling would be like, but it must be like this. After a moment she opened her eyes warily and looked down. The paper was still there. The words were still there. She grabbed her bottle of water and emptied it in gulps.

Her eyes skipped down the page until she found:

- Deb to Lance: "No, and he never will. How can I tell him he doesn't do it for me in bed anymore; hasn't for a long time. That I have to use a big vibrator and shove it in there way further than he ever gets to climax. I fake it with him, but sometimes I think he must be able to tell the difference." --

-

And...

- Deb to Lance: "I know you could have. You could have had me a month ago if you were an asshole like a lot of the younger guys around here are. But you've been a gentleman, a good man. That's why I like you so much. I'll just say that I hope you know just how special a friend you've become. And now I'll sign off."-

-

She felt like she was waking from a dream, or falling into a nightmare.

\ "How -- what -- where did you..."

She took a deep breath and tried to grab onto something, anything, to stem the rising feeling of panic inside her.

"Those were my private, my personal-"

"Oh yeah, very personal e-mails Debbie," Lew said flatly with no discernable emotion. He shoved another paper toward her.

-

-- "The worst of it is, I feel so much closer to you than I do to Bill. He's my husband, but he doesn't even know our marriage is dying slowly. He's clueless. Such a smart, smart man, so skillful in the courtroom, but in real life, in our marriage, he's a loser. He's lost my lust, and my respect and slowly he's losing my love.

"I feel like an animal caught in a trap. I've tried a thousand times to think of some way to start breathing life back into our relationship, our marriage. I've thought about trying to invigorate our sexual life. But...dammit, I'm not that good an actress. I fake orgasms all the time, but I can't fake excitement. And he doesn't excite me any more.—

-

She looked across the table, and for the first time she had a feeling for why Bill had called him a shark. There was a cold, hard expression on his face and he didn't' look like the man who had been smiling at her before.

"Those were my personal messages. I deleted them all. How could he-"

"I'm not going to give you the details, but he did. All of them. Going six months back until just before the Friday night blowout. You remember the message where you told Doug -- sorry that's 'Lance' - that you were getting ready to end your marriage but you would take time out to help him celebrate his big night?

"Well, I can understand that. What's a little thing like a nearly 20-year-marriage compared to a chance to go out and have a blowout with your new boyfriend?"

Her mind was spinning. Somehow the question that came out was, "How long...,"

"He trusted you, Debbie: shows you what an idiot he was. It was an automatic monitoring system. He'd never ever looked at your emails. Until that weekend you stayed out all night and he eventually found out you'd gone to your parents. He was alone all that weekend and he'd gotten suspicious and he started poking around. That's what investigators do."

There was an emotion in his eyes deeper than contempt and harder than anger.

"He were there all alone in that big house of yours while he learned what you really thought about him and his shrinking dick and read those messages talking about how hard lover boy's dick was and those fabulous abs of his. He was alone while he learned how you were going out dancing with friends and guys because you just didn't like being around him.

"He was in that house that he paid for and worked his ass off for surrounded by pictures of the life he used to have. That's why he left you that bloody ring. I'm glad he was able to get it off. I think he would have chopped it off if he had to. He didn't have much love left in his heart for you that night."

She didn't know what it was, maybe it was that image of him hunched over the big computer off their bedroom reading by the light of the computer screen in the dark house, but she lurched to her feet and mumbled something about being sick and raced out the door of the conference room and barely made it to the toilet in the closest bathroom. She was hunched over it heaving, but nothing coming out, when she heard the door open and Joyce say, "Debbie, what's the matter? What happened"

She tried to shake her head. Tears ran down her face and she gasped for air. Finally, she got out, "Sorry. Must have....been something...I ate. I'll be okay."

Joyce finally backed out and closed the door and Debbie took deep breaths until the queasiness passed and the tears stopped. She tried to get her head straight. He had known. All the time since that weekend. It was as if he had opened a hole into her heart and soul and knew what she was thinking while she was pretending to be someone other than who she really was.

Who she was, was a woman getting ready to walk out of a marriage where she felt trapped and unloved. She had thought she was wearing a mask around him, and in truth he had seen her as she really was.

Why hadn't he said anything? And then she understood his anger. For the first time. He really did think she had been fucking Doug all that time. She remembered the words she had read. If she'd intercepted emails from Bill to a woman with the same kind of language, she would never have believed he wasn't having sex with her.

They were the words of lovers, even though she would have sworn at the time that they were just friends.

She walked back in to see Lew swallowing the last of his coffee. He looked up at her with eyes that were neither friendly nor unfriendly.

"Could I see them? All of them?"

He passed her the folder. She opened it and began reading. It was like opening a door into the past. She had never read them as a whole. She had gotten them, read them and deleted them day by day. Now they told a story.

Finally, she put them in the folder and closed it.

"Can I have a copy?"

"Keep that one. I've made other copies."

She finally raised her eyes to meet his. She noticed, not for the first time, his were a peculiar gray green combination. They were attractive, now cold eyes.

"I understand now why he's been so angry. But, Lew, they weren't...it wasn't..."

"They are there in black and white. They are what they are."

"I never meant him to see any of those. I never thought -- that he would spy on me."

"Because you could go anywhere, party with your friends, come back drunk, and he never asked you questions. I'll bet my life he never checked your panties to see if you had any unusual deposits in them. He trusted you, even knowing what a hot piece of ass you are. I don't know how many men would be that trusting, or stupid."

"Whether you or he believe it, I was never with any other man, since we got married. I went out and I drank and I let men touch me, but I never touched them back. I never gave handjobs or blowjobs or went out to their cars."

"Well, aren't you the saint yourself, Debbie. Never gave any blowjobs but you did let men rub you and play with your tits. I know I'd be proud of you if you were my wife. Especially since you were doing it behind my back."

She made herself stare back at him although she felt like crawling under the table.

"I'm not a slut, no matter what you say or what these emails might make you think. You're away from home more than you're home and Mona basically lives alone most of the time, just like me. I know she travels all over. She dances with men. She has drinks with them. She goes out to dinner with them.

"And she may not be as hot as me, but she's pretty damn hot. You really think guys don't rub their dicks on her when they're slow dancing. You really think no one ever brushes or touches her breasts? You really believe she doesn't get wet when some young, good looking guy is hitting her with everything he's got? If you do, you're the idiot."

His expression didn't change.

"I know she goes out for drinks and dancing with men. I know they hit on her. I would if I were single. I wouldn't be surprised if guys get her hot. She's human. But I know this. She would never physically or emotionally cheat on me. And if she fell in love with somebody else, she'd have the decency to tell me we were through. She wouldn't let me find it out the way Bill did."

"I'm not in love with Doug and I didn't cheat. Not till the weekend of the UNF blowup."

She stopped. What he had said was true. They were what they were. The rest of it didn't matter. She forced herself to bring her mind back to the now, instead of going back six months.

"So. They're embarrassing. But what I said was true. I didn't cheat on Bill until our marriage

exploded and there's nothing in there you can use in court. Joyce has already told me that having

sex with Doug before we crossed the 't's and dotted the 'I's and made it legal is no big deal. Bill had already humiliated me and damaged my career. I didn't owe him fidelity."

"You're wrong."

And he proceeded to explain how.

"You can call Joyce in here, and she'll try to blow smoke, but in the end you'll see I'm right. Doug is history when I file the suit against him and you'll be right behind him when I file the workplace environment lawsuit against UNF. Doesn't matter what protections you have in place, if they want you gone, trust me, you'll be gone.

"And when that happens, you're going to need Bill's maintenance. Being a mentor is not an administrative position, not in the chain of command. But it does place you in a semi-supervisory position over a younger colleague.

"And you, an older and more experienced staff member, took advantage of your position to trade emails about how big and hard your mentee's cock was, to exchange intimate secrets about your married sex life and how frustrated you were with your husband, and basically told your mentee that he could fuck you if he just tried a little bit harder.

"That's not normally the type of behavior universities, or any organization, expect from their mentors. In fact, if you were male and Doug was female, you would be very much in line for a sexual harassment lawsuit. It doesn't matter if he was chasing or trying to seduce you. It was your duty to keep things from getting out of hand. Even if all UNF does is cut you loose, good luck finding a position similar to the one you have at any other teaching institution."

He smiled at her and she finally knew why Bill had said he was a shark. There was something very cold and cruel in that smile, almost as if he were enjoying the thought of what was awaiting her. Maybe the emotion wasn't real and he was just twisting the knife for effect, but it felt real.

"So when you get that maintenance check, you'd better kiss it and hold it tight, because while you're looking for a new job in a new field, you're going to find it hard to maintain the standard of life you became accustomed to before you started looking around for greener pastures."

She surprised herself.

"No."

He looked at her in surprise.

"No what?"

"No deal, you bastard. Tell Bill that for me. Let him do what he wants with those emails. Doug was planning on leaving anyway and this just means he'll bail sooner. He's young and talented and he'll find another job.

"And if I wind up washing dishes in a Sonny's barbecue joint, or handing out hamburgers at McDonalds, so be it. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of thinking he beat me down, forced me to let the alimony go. If he hates me that much, tell him I'm going to rub every single damned check he sends me all over my pussy before I cash it, and that's the closest he's ever going to come to getting inside me again."

Lew just stared at her for a moment, and then he smiled. And this time she did shiver.

"You're a pretty tough broad, Debbie. Tougher than I thought. So the last thing we're going to do with the emails won't bother you."

"What else could you do?"

"Copies will be posted on the Internet. There are cheating wives sites, and places like that. Plus copies will be anonymously emailed or hard copies will be sent to your parents, his parents, your friends, your colleagues at work. Pretty much anybody you've ever known."

"He couldn't hate me that much."

"Doesn't matter if he does or not. It will happen. You remember how you reacted. How do you think your parents will feel when they read how enamored you were with a colleague's abs and dick when you were still married to Bill? Your friends? Well, I don't know if any of them will drop you, but expect to have every married friend you know watch you very carefully anytime you're around a husband.

"Oh, and this shouldn't bother you at all, but expect every husband and boyfriend of every friend you've got to start calling and coming around when their significant other is otherwise occupied. Because they're all going to think you're just another very hot and very fuckable MILF. I imagine your son's friends- what are they, fourteen or fifteen - will start hitting on you too."

He stopped and looked down at his hands. He didn't look at her as he spoke.

"There won't be anything sent to your kids. But they'll find them. Friends will see that they do. And no matter how grown up kids act like they are, how do you think they're going to react to finding out what you really thought of their father, how you treated him, when you were still married to him?

"How do you think they'll feel when they find out that you were lying through your teeth about your feelings for Doug, that you were lying when you said their father was paranoid and crazy to be suspicious of you two. You lied through your teeth to your children and your parents."

Now he looked at her, and worse than the threat was the pity in his eyes.

"But, it really doesn't matter what they think now. They're going to grow up. Kelly will be a grown woman with a husband and kids, Bill Jr. will have found some woman he loves and wants to have children with. And someday they'll run across these e-mails again and they'll read them with grown-up eyes. They'll understand what you did, and how terribly you betrayed their father. Even if you didn't touch Doug, you still engaged in an emotional affair.

"You've lost Bill. And someday, you're going to lose your children. They may still be polite and still let you be around your grandchildren, but your relationship with them will never be the same."

They sat together in the small room in a curdled silence.

She wasn't even aware that she was crying until she felt tears run down her cheeks.

"He wouldn't do that to me. I can't believe that. Even hating me, I can't believe he would do that."

"No, he wouldn't."

She lifted her head and looked into his eyes, not believing what she had heard.

"He-"

"He wouldn't use the emails against you that way, Debbie. He wouldn't even let me threaten you with sending the emails to family and friends. The poor bastard loves you and he's willing to let you screw him yet again rather than hurt you that way."

"Then-"

"He loves you. I don't."

"I don't understand, Lew. You're his attorney."

"I was his friend before I was his attorney. I was his friend, I am his friend, and I will be his friend. I'm not going to let you rub salt into the wounds you've already inflicted on him."

"I still....how can you do what he ordered you not to do?"

"Easy, I just have to violate virtually every aspect of the duty an attorney owes to his client. I have to go against his wishes and take actions that will kill his soul. But, I'm going to do it anyway."

"Those are his emails."

"He gave them to me. I made copies."

"But he -- if he didn't want --"

"He'll be royally pissed at me, furious. He'll threaten to take legal action against me, bring me before a review board. Maybe try to get me disbarred. And all I'll do is tell him that if he does I'll fight it and it's such a juicy, sexy scandal that it will get tons of publicity -- I'll make sure it does because I know how to work the press - meaning even more people will know what a miserable cheating slut he was married to. In the end he'll back off. Because he loves you."

"But, I thought you were his friend."

"Oh, he won't want anything to do with me for awhile. Maybe a long time. But like I said, whether he's my friend or not, I'm his friend."