When Words Don't Matter

Philosopher: But it was powerful enough and compelling enough for the two to shape their behavior on it.

Realist: I know. It sucks to be the loser.

Philosopher: I think you're missing the point.

Realist: I think you're missing the bigger picture.

Philosopher: Which is?

Realist: That the world isn't concerned with the concept of the untenable agreement, it's the implications of one that bother them more.

Philosopher: And you see no need to understand it's fundamental nature?

Realist: Not beyond what's needed to recognize and avoid it.

Philosopher: What a very small world you must live in.

Realist: Not particularly, just one with a lot of harsh realities.

Philosopher: And these realities prohibit room for what few philosophers there are?

Realist: We already went over that. Parasites, remember?

Philosopher: My, you do have quite a bit of animosity towards philosophers, don't you? Do you bear some type of personal grudge? Realist: That's completely irrelevant.

Philosopher: Were you molested by a philosopher as a child?

Realist: Damnit that's completely inappropriate!

Philosopher: Hey, aren't you all about reality?

Realist: What you said has nothing to do with reality!

Philosopher: Now I though reality was all about con men and molested kids with grudges against philosophers.

Realist: I was not molested!

Philosopher: Denial is just one of the stages of recovery son.

Realist: This is juvenile!

Philosopher: What if someone was accusing you of being molested and your denial meant nothing?

Realist: Then I would get very, very angry with him.

Philosopher: What if getting angry didn't help?

Realist: Will you stop it with the damn "what if's!"

Philosopher: Were you molested by a "what if" as a child?

Realist: No! You know what bothers me about the "what if's?" Ignorant people who don't want to change their minds use "what if's" to distract and derail solid facts. I'm sick of dealing with people like that and you philosophers are the guiltiest among them!

Philosopher: So, one guy disagrees with you and you must smite philosophy?

Realist: Oh, it's more than just that. It's people who are clearly wrong, who use these tactics to ignore the fact that they've lost the discussion.

Philosopher: And let me guess, you are never clearly wrong.

Realist: Well, no. I've clearly been wrong before. Like in a debate I had about prohibition.

Philosopher: Oh, do tell.

Realist: I argued that prohibition was a failure. But, the fellow I debated cited Treasury Department statistics that showed decreases in criminal activity after Ness took out Capone. Clearly we were winning the war on alcohol.

Philosopher: Oh hell yes! Lord knows I can't find a drop of alcohol anywhere in the US.

Realist: No, it's not like that. Alcohol was on the decline when FDR repealed prohibition.

Philosopher: Uh huh. . . *to Believer* Young man, did you get drunk at a party this weekend?

Believer: *angelically* Why no, Professor Shyster, alcohol was eliminated in the US during prohibition.

Realist: *to believer* I really, really don't like you.

Philosopher: Clearly you see, though, that it was the word on the street that carried the day.

Realist: Oh, here we go again with your so-called philosophy.

Philosopher: I don't see 400 people a semester lining up to hear your realism.

Realist: Don't give yourself too much credit, Shyster, these kids would line up for Wally the Rythmless White Boy if it fulfilled a humanities credit.

Philosopher: Every day though?

Realist: It's a ten o'clock class. Most of them are making up for last night's studying.

Philosopher: I'm tenured.

Realist: That's not something this university should be proud of.

Philosopher: I'm popular and well liked by my peers.

Realist: As am I.

Philosopher: I'm happy and leading a fulfilling life.

Realist: As do I.

Philosopher: I get laid.

Realist: . . . What does this have to do with your philosophy?

Philosopher: Nothing, I just liked showing you up again.

Realist: Once again professor . . . *checks his watch* . . . hey, it's just about time. We should get to settling this, don't you think?

Philosopher: Very well. How shall we resolve it?

Realist: *eyeballing the sleeping masses* Open vote.

Philosopher: Alright. Now class, we pose to you the resolution of our work here. We have heard the arguments for reality, and those of philosophy. So, those of you. . .

Realist: *abruptly drowning out the Philosopher* who feel that Dr. Shyster has convinced you that he is a bonafide real academic, stand up and be counted for Dr. Shyster here.

*Shyster is confused at this up-ending. Most of the class, asleep or otherwise not paying attention, stay seated. Only the Believer and Believette stand up*

Philosopher: What the?

Realist: Ha ha! Why, Dr. Shyster, I do believe that you have been up-ended sir! You failed to appreciate the realities of your situation. And now, sir *extending his hand to accept the payment on the bet* the day is mine!

Philosopher: *soon spreading a sinister grin, shakes the realist's hand* Hi! Dr. Shyster, pleased to meet you.

Realist: Don't play coy Shyster, pay up.

Philosopher: Pay up?

Realist: As per our bet!

Philosopher: What bet?

Realist: Oh don't even try that Shyster. . . you made it right here in front of this entire class. . .

Philosopher: You mean *motioning to the sleeping masses* this class?

Realist: Yes, this class. . .

Philosopher: Hmm, I don't remember making any bet, but, I do remember a friend of mine telling me that "It only matters what you can prove in court."

Realist: You son of a . . .

Philosopher: In fact, class, if any of you out there recall a bet taking place, stand up and be counted for our realist here!

*most of the class remains asleep or otherwise not paying attention. Even the believers sit. Only the lone Conservative Girl in the back stands, and soon sits*

Realist: You weasel!

Philosopher: And that, my friend, is what happens when words don't matter. Now watch what happens when they do: Class Dismissed!

*the class snaps to attention. People throw their books into their bags and nearly trample over one another to get out. The realist heads back to his seat*

Realist: *huffs* "When it looks like they're losing. . ." Hmph!

Conservative Girl: *tapping* Excuse me. . .

Realist: *shoving books into his bag* Yes?

Conservative Girl: If it makes a difference, I thought you won the bet.

Realist: *laughs hysterically* Aww to hell with it. What are you doing for lunch?

Conservative Girl: Hopefully having it with you.

*the two head to the door arm in arm*

Philosopher: Young man?

Realist: *to the girl* Hold on. *to philosopher* What now?

Philosopher: *shoots Realist a sly look and holds him in it for a moment* How would you like to go 50-50 with me on that book you were talking about, "B?"

Realist: *gradually shoots philosopher an equally sly look* Make it 60-40 in my favor.

Philosopher: Heh, heh, heh, son, you've got the makings of a great philosopher!

The End