Why a Rape and Impregnation fetish?

I've been writing and posting stories on Literotica for over two years and I often get people asking me how I got to have such an obsession with non-consent and forced/coerced impregnation. I always refer people to the sanitized and romanticized version of my true first time story "Milestones" and then I leave it at that.

One of my online penpals, Teri, convinced me to clarify my story and maybe I'll post a revision of "Milestones" with the bad parts included.

But I guess it's still good to explain that my first time was not at all romantic like I'd tried to make it in my story. I think the story was really how I wanted to remember it.

If you haven't read "Milestones" yet then this would be the time for you to do so.

Did you read it? Good. Then let's continue.

I knew Richard was up to something when the room reservations were messed up. He never reserved more than one room in the first place and knew I was screwed if I didn't stay with him that night. Once we were in the room he swore we'd be fine sleeping together and promised me nothing would happen. I didn't bring any sexy nightie with me on the trip, just my sleep shirt. I changed in the bathroom and then went to bed while he used the bathroom next after turning off the lights. When he got into bed he was naked and I didn't know that until he cuddled up to me.

I felt him nudge me and I freaked and jumped out of the bed. He lied and said he always slept "in the raw" (it creeps me out writing that down!) and promised to leave me alone. Once again I trusted him.

We got into some kissing and I thought we'd be safe and then he pulled away from me for a second and put on a condom and said "just in case". I laughed and told him he'd wasted it. I let him get back into kissing me and he suddenly got on top of me and started pulling my panties off. We had a bit of a struggle and I never screamed. It never entered my mind that what was happening was really rape, to me it was just Richard being too excited. He grabbed my arms and put them over my head and held them with one arm as he took my panties the rest of the way off. I told him we couldn't do this and he kissed me and got on top of me. A few painful moments later I was no longer a virgin.

He fell asleep not long after that and I was awake most of the night crying. The morning came and he woke me up with a whisker-studded kiss and the most ferocious case of bad breath ever. It was gross and not at all romantic. I just lay there and he got on me again and tried to get it in me and it was dry and I was very sore and told him so. He worked on it and very painfully mounted me. It did get a little better after a few minutes but it was still awful sore. Then I realized I hadn't seen him put on a condom and I asked him if he had one on already and he said no. I told him he had to stop and he said he would, but he didn't. When I tried to push him off it just turned him on even more and I ended up with a load of baby juice in me. That morning was so fucked up for me. After we left the room he was 100% a gentleman again and we ended up having a strained but nice day. That night he actually asked me if I wanted to do it again and I said, "You do whatever you want." That was actually Christie-talk for "no" and I did not say it in a sexy way. When he took it for a 'yes' I didn't care and just went along since the real damage had already been done at that point.

Then we went home and things got worse and here I am seven-thousand miles from home because of it.

So here's the fetish: even though I detested Richard (and I still do) for what he did I got a perverse thrill wondering if I was pregnant from him and I fantasized about my rape and made it into something it really wasn't, but it helped me deal with it all. I DON'T want to be raped ever again, but I relive it over and over again in my dreams, fantasies, and stories. The stories have been therapeutic for me since they've been an outlet for me from my normal life and they've helped me work out my issues about all of this.

The guy I had after Richard was shocked by what a cockhound I was and he was more than happy to oblige my need to explore. It wasn't rape with him, but I'd imagine it was sometimes and I had my best orgasms when I did that.

So there you have it: I got twisted by being raped. I'm still fucked up but getting a grip on it all helps and it helps to write it all down, too. Now I will say that I am hopelessly stuck on non-consent and impregnation themes, but I do NOT want anyone to think any girl wants this to happen to her and I want anyone who is thinking about acting out this kind of fantasy to know that it is has real effects on the victims.

And there's the answer to my most frequently asked question. I'll keep writing stories, I'm sure, but thanks for tolerating a diary entry in the middle of my usual stuff.